The Cult of Cartman - Revelations

I am Eric Cartman. Some call me a wunderkind. Many wish to be like me. And so here are my life lessons for all to follow. Click on the icons to read the content. The book leads to the transcripts, the magnifier leads to the dyns, and the bust leads to the guests
scriptsecretsguests 501. Scott Tenorman Must Die (Original Airdate: 7/11/01)
Lesson One: When somebody does you wrong, you must be prepared to retaliate a thousand-fold. And, pubic hair isn't something you buy, you actually grow it on your body when you get older.
scriptsecretsguests 802. AWESOM-O (Original Airdate: 4/14/04)
Lesson Two: Never take a joke too far, no matter how funny it is. Hitler learned this lesson the hard way.
scriptsecretsguests 906. The Death Of Eric Cartman (Original Airdate: 4/13/05)
Lesson Three: What awaits us all in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and, $10,000 in cash. And remember: we all die in 2012.
scriptsecretsguests 1003. Cartoon Wars, Pari I (Original Airdate: 4/5/06)
Lesson Four: If you really hate something, use racial tolerance as an excuse to dostroy it. Liberals are masters at this.
scriptsecretsguests 1004. Cartoon Wars, Part II (Original Airdate: 4/12/06)
Lesson Five: Family Guy sucks my balls. Here endeth the lesson.
1108. Le Petit Tourette (Original Airdate: 10/03/07)
Lesson Six: You should never swear on television. Especially if, when you were younger, your cousin and yourself were curious, and touched wieners.
1201. Tonsil Trouble (Original Airdate: 3/12/08)
Lesson Seven: Even in your darkest moments, try to stay HIV positive. There's nothing an HIV positive mind can't overcome.
1205. Eek, A Penis! (Original Airdate: 4/9/08)
Lesson Eight: Cheating is the way to get ahead. But if you get caught, you can't stop cheating, or else you will lose the Superbowl. Right Bill?
scriptsecretsguests 506. Cartmanland (Original Airdate: 7/25/01)
Lesson Nine: No matter how great you try to make your life, people will find a way to fuck it up for you. And remember: we all die in 2012.
scriptsecretsguests 803. Up the Down Steroid (Original Airdate: 3/24/04)
Lesson Ten: Do not pretend to be handicapped, because it isn't fair to people who really are handicapped. Like Kanye West.
1207. Super Fun Time (Original Airdate: 4/23/08)
Lesson Eleven: No matter who it hurts, do whatever you can to havea super fun time all the time. Because we all die in 2012.
scriptsecretsguests 911. Ginger Kids (Original Airdate: 11/9/05)
Lesson Twelve, the final and most important lesson: Do not trust the Jews! Oh, and kids with red hair and freckles have no souls. And we all die in 2012.

What I Say While You're Deciding What To See:

Welcome back.
Back for more?
Are you ready for the next lesson?
Pick something. I'm waiting.
2012 is approaching fast!
I'm waiting.
Well? Any time now!