Det. Sgt. Yates, Officer Jenkins, other Officers, Maggie
Al Gore and Spirit Gore
Husband and Wife
|[Bright music plays as a couple leaves Jared's, the Galleria of Jewelry]|
|Wife:||[emotional] Oh my gosh! Oh honey! I can't beleive you went to Jared!|
|Husband:||This is a new beginning for us, darling. I'm just so excited for our futuire. [ManBearPig leaps in out of nowhere and mangles him to bits]|
|[Gameplay of Red Dead Redepmtion 2 is shown.]|
|Officer Jenkins:||Oh yeah! Take that, cop! You want some too, sheriff?! Yeah! Therer you go, bitch! Another dead cop! And another one! Yeah! You want some twoo, dumbass?! You want a piece of this, you goddamned pigs?! [the player is a desk officer.]|
|Stan:||Officer, you have to let us out of here! We don't have much time!|
|Jenkins:||Yeah, that's the last cop. Let's get out of here!|
|Stan:||Sir, you have to listen to us. ManBearPig is real.|
|Jenkins:||Oh God. Here we go again. "We gotta stop ManBearPig! We gotta take it serious!"|
|Kyle:||But we do! manBearPig is gonna kill everyone, and he's not gonna stop!|
|Jenkins:||Oh, well then I guess I don't have to do anything about it.|
|Cartman:||Can you get off your goddamend video game for five fucking seconds so we can have a conversation?!|
|Stan:||[leaves the cell door] Where the hell is Al Gore? Why isn't he coming for us?|
|Kyle:||[walks up] Nobody's comoing for us, Stan. They think we're murderers.|
|Cartman:||And that's why we have to break out of here ourselves. [turns to the cop] Excuse me? Officer?|
|Jenkins:||Shut up! I don't wanna hear anything about ManBearPig and how we're all doomed.|
|Cartman:||No, it's not that. It's just...I noticed you're still riding your horse all the way back to camp.|
|Jenkins:||Yeah. Trains and stagecouaches don't go to my camp.|
|Cartman:||No, they don't, but... you can use cinematic mode to make it easier on yourself.|
|Jenkins:||[stops, then looks at him, startled, then sits up] What the hell are you talking about?|
|[The South Park Community Center, evening. Several corpses lie on the ground, and a couple of small fires blaze nearby. Inside, someone speaks to the audience.]|
|Speaker:||All right, everyone. I realize a lot of peopel have died and most of the roads have been destroyed.due to all the fires, so I'd like to thank you all for coming to tnnight's symposium, "When Shoudl I Start To Worry?" [a blonde is shown with her chin in her hadn, wondering...] I'd like to make this an open discusison and hope we can all participate in ways that give us better insight. Yes, Mr. Clarkson?|
|Mr. Clarkson:||I'm pretty sure thare's a ManBearPig and I'm fairly certain that he has eaten two of my children and destroyed our home. When should I start to worry?|
|Speaker:||That's an excellent question. There's definitely evidence that all the death and destruction around us is due to a ManBearPig.|
|Townsman:||But no exact correlation to a ManBearPig!|
|Speaker:||Definitely not, and that's why we're all here, to pinpoint, "When Shoudl I Start To Worry?"|
|Stephen:||I think that the time to start worrying is coming. I don't know if I believe in ManBearPig or not, but i do know that I'm open to the idea of starting to worry. [he gets some applause]|
|Speaker:||I think Stephen echoes a lot of our feelings right now. [Satan bursts through the closed doors, flings chairs everywhere, and people move away from him].|
|Satan:||Rroooowwwwwrrrrr!! [grabs a man by the collar] Foolish mortals! Your time is nigh! Face yoru end!|
|Mr. Clarkson:||Um, it looks like Satan is here. Should I start to worry? [he gets some applause]|
|[Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is trying to get inside. He bangs on the door. Randy answers]|
|Stan:||We broke out of jail, Dad.|
|Randy:||Come on. Get out of sight. [Stan goes in, Randy closes the door]|
|Stan:||Cartman trcked the guards. We all ran home to be with our parents. Where's mom?|
|Randy:||Your mom's been out trying to find you a lawyer and a therapist. We've been doing all we can!|
|Stan:||Dad, that thing we saw take Ned? It was ManBearPig. It was real!|
|Randy:||What are you talking about? It was just a bear.|
|Stan:||No, Dad. It's... [noties his dad's eyes switching back and forth from him to the TV] Why do you keep looking at the TV?|
|Randy:||What? Why? I dunno? What?|
|Stan:||[walks over to get a better look, then steps back, grabs the controller, and looks at Randy] You've been playing Red Dead Redemtion?!|
|Randy:||A little bit. I mean... when I'm not doing all this stuff for ||Stan:||I thought you were working on getting me out!
||Randy:||Sorry, I needed a little break!
||Stan:||You're all the way to St. denis?! That's like 40 hours of gameplay! How could you uh! Are you high right now?!
||Randy:||I'm a little high, yes!
||Stan:||Oh my God!
||Randy:||Oh what?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I need to decompress with all this shit going on!
||Stan:||I can't believe youwould get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!
||Randy:||[gets in his face] Well at least I'm not a school shooter!
||Stan:||[walks up to him] It wasn't me! It was a demon named ManBearPig! [gives him the controller]
||Randy:||Oh whatever! [goes to the sofa and sits down, and begins playing] "ManBearPig! ManBearPig!" You sound like your freakin' grandpa!
||Stan:||Yeah, because I learned a lot about-! [stops himself] Whoa whoa, What are you talking about I sound like Grandpa?
||Randy:||He had been talking about ManBearPig comin' since I was fuckin' 14. Nothin' new.
||Stan:||[turns away] Someone made a deal with it... a long time ago.
||Randy:||Do you know how to craft stamina tonics? [Stan glares back at Randy]
||[The Broflovski house, night. Kyle comes in from the backyard through the slidiing door. The house is dark, so he looks around carefully]
||Kyle:||Mom? [goes to the living room] Dad? [walks upstairs to the master bedroom, opens the door, and looks in, then closes it. He goes to his room and sits on his bed. He looks up] I don't know if you can hear me. I-I feel so alone right now. I-I feel like the whole world is falling apart and somehow I'm supposed to do something but... I don't know what that is anymore. [the window lights up]
||Gore:||[a ghostly image on the window] Fear not. Do not give up on yourself. You must keep believing.
||Kyle:||Mr. Gore? Where have you been?!
||Gore:||It's me. Al Gore.
||Kyle:||Yeah. Where have you been?!
||Gore:||You cannot lose faith, my child, even though everyone is ripping on you. Even though they don't believe you and they're saying you're just seeking attention because you lost the Presidency. You have to be strong!
||Kyle:||Well what happened to you? Are you dead or something?
||Gore:||No! not dead! Just merely using a flashlight on glass to appply the Pepper/s ghost technique.
||Kyle:||What, what? [turns around] Oh, god damn it. [Gore turns off the flashlight and turns on the bedroom light]
||Gore:||You see my point? Things aren't always as they appear. You have to stay strong, my little crusader.
||Kyle:||I can't do this alone. I need help.
||Gore:||I did, too. Didn't get it.
||Kyle:||What more do you want from me?? I've atoned for my mistake. I'm sorry that we were getting a lot different information at the time. You nnow, even you were wrong about a lot of the things you said would happen a-
||Gore:||[puts his hand to his ear] What's that?
||Kyle:||Nothing. I didn't mean-
||Gore:||See you later, alligator. [turns and walks out.]
||Kyle:||[gives chase] No, no, nonono I'm sorry! [follows him down the stairs] I am sorry, please! I'm cereal! Ah I didn't mean to say yoo were wrong, just that some of your predictions didn't happen-
||Gore:||Oh yeah, you're real cereal. [they reach the front door. Gore opens it and steps out]
||Kyle:||Olease, please, please! [Gore turns to look at him] I'll do anything! I just want everyone to be safe!
||Gore:||All I was doing was tryig to be your mentor. You know who my mentor was? Me! Al Gore!
||Spirit Gore:||Hello, Al Gore.
||Gore:||[Looks at his spirit] It's him! Just in time, too. Thanks for coming in my time of crisis, al Gore! [closes the door. Kyle just stands there looking at it.]
||[Jared, day. One officer puts up roadblocks, anothr takes notes. In the background Yates surveys the damage with three other officers and a coroner.]
||Officer 7:||Sorry to call you down, sir, but this is a bad one.
||Yates:||Oh on, that's fine. [takes out his lighter] I finally arrest four school shooters and can play some Red Dead Redemption, and then I get a call about another school shooting. [takes out a cigarette and lights it]
||Officer 7:||This one really doesn't look like a school shooting, sir. Five different winesses say it was definitly... ManBearPig.
||Yates:||Goddamnit! There's no such thing as a ManBearPig! You got that?? We're working with facts here, not goofball theories!
||Officer 7:||Yea, but sir, all the forensic scientists say there are bear and pig footprient-
||Yates:||Fuck scientists! Why are you tryiing to figure out what's going with scientists?! The only thing I want to know is who committed this school shooting, since our school-shooting suspects are in jail!
||Officer 1:||Detective! [runs into view]Detective, we jsut got word from the station. The four shooting suspects broke out a while ago.
||Yates:||Oh well, there you go! It was them again! Gee, I didn't need any freakin' scientists to figure that out, did I?! Get 'em outta here! [the coroner's team is escorted away] Now how the fuck did those kids break out of my jail?!
||Officer 1:||Jenkins said they tricked him. Said they could show him a way to fast-travel in Red Dead Redemption by upgrading his camp, and then they just took off.
||Yates:||[in a low voice] There's a way to fast-travel if you upgrade your camp? [thinks a moment] Jesus... You'd better start from the beginning.
||[Shady Acres Retirement Community]
||Reporter:||More damage and destruciton today as the death toll rises to the hundreds. Some see this as evidence ManBearPig might be real, while others say ManBearPig is a fabrication for political gains- [ManBearPig comes up from behind and attacks the reporter. The elderly folk are shown watching the report]
||Stan:||[offscreen] Grandpa?! [Grandpa sits up with jaw dropped] What did you do?
||Marvin:||Oh, Billy. [chuckles] My grandson come to visit.
||Stan:||This isn't the first time ManBearPig has shown up, is it?! What happened?!
||Marvin:||Billy, I have Alzheimer's. I don't even remember what happened this morning.
||Stan:||Cut the shit, Grandpa! You people knew! You made a deal with that thing!
||Margaret:||We thought we'd be dead by now. We didn't think we'd have to live to see the consequences.
||Marvin:||Aw, great! Just tell the whole world, Margaret! [zips past her in his wheelchair]
||Stan:||[follows him down the dorm hallway] Why did you old people make a deal?!
||Marvin:||We had a right to be happy too, you know?!
||Stan:||And you just signed away the future?!
||Marvin:||We didn't want to have to give the demon his stuff back!
||Marvin:||All our cars [turns his wheelchair around], and premium boutique ice cream.
||Stan:||You couldn't control yourselves, so now that thing is here to kill all of us! Good fuckin' job, Grandpa!
||[Kyle's house, night. Cartman and Kenny pound on the sliding door. Kyle opens up]
||Cartman:||Kyle, come on/ We've gotta go.
||Cartman:||I had a vision, Kyle. Al Gore's ghost visited me.
||Kyle:||Al Gore isn't dead.
||Cartman:||Well his ghost visited me, Kyle. He said he had a plan, and we needed to go. Are you in or not?
||Kenny:||(Yeah, are you in or not?) [Kyle stays silent]
||[The wood, night. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk torugh it in the dark. Cartman has the flashlight]
||Kyle:||We souldn't be out here. We're wanted by the police. [some growling and howling is heard, with the sound of cracking branches]
||Cartman:||Shhh. What was that?
||Kemny:||(Sounds like a fuckin' werewolf!)
||Cartman:||This is where Al Gore told me to go. [more growling is heard]
||Kemny:||(What the fuck is that?!) [points to something. Satan jumps into the beam of light with a display of might]
||Cartman:||What are you doing here, Satan?
||Satan:||I was told to come here by the spirit of Al Gore.
||Cartman:||Us too. But why?
||Spirit Gore:||Remembe... even though I am gone, you must still work together.
||Kyle:||Work together how??
||Spirit Gore:||I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the ones who are actually cereal. [to the others] You cannot lose hope. There is still much you need to know.
||[The Yates house. Harrison arrives and is about to oen his front door when he hears a shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse. He then knows what's going on.]
||Yates:||Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down] You bitch! [Maggie squeals in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!
||Maggie:||So what of it?!
||Yates:||What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!
||Maggie:||No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!
||Yates:||What are you talking about?!
||Maggie:||See for yourself. You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new too! I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! I built a house with John Marston! I'm havin' his family now!
||Yates:||You fucking slut!
||Maggie:||That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's that you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!
||Yates:||Don't you talk to me like that!
||Maggie:||I'll talk however I want! I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals! [crosses her arms over her chest]
||Yates:||Found them where?!
||Maggie:||I'm not tellin'! You wanted your onw life and now you got it!
||Yates:||Maggie! [breaks down onto his knees and weeps] Nwaaahahahahaha...
||[In the woods at night, Spirit Gore has been speaking to the boys and Satan]
||Gore:||And in comclusion, let mu just say that you are the future. You cannot give up hope. I brought you all together because I believe in you.
||Cartman:||Okay, but what do you want us to-?
||Spirit Gore:||And sometimes, believing is all that we need to be cereal. [disappears, and end credits roll - this was pre-taped]
||Kyle:||Credits? [some clapping is heard. The boys turn around and see Al Gore by a movie projector]
||Gore:||Did you guys like my movie?
||Cartman:||What are you doing?
||Gore:||Exactly. I'm trying to get you to ask "What would Al Gore do?"
||Spirit Gore:||Make a movie starring you.
||Gore:||Yes, to get you all to not give up. To get you to fight!
||Satan:||[to Gore] You don't understand. There is no fight. ||Cartman:||No mortal. But what about you?
||Satan:||Why would I help mankind?
||Cartman:||Satan, come on. Are you really gonna stand there and not say you appreciate all the nice things humans have done for you lately? I mean, not sur if you've nocied, but we're pretty much doing things your way up here
||Satan:||I... must admit, people up here on Earth have been doing a lot of my work for me lately. Maybe... maybe it is time I did something for them.
||[Someone holds up a picture of a young man in a Trans Am holding a triple scoop of ice cream in his left hand.]
||Marvin:||We were all young and foolish back then, Billy. We didn't think about the future. We just wanted things. [Stan is the one holding the picture] This creature shows up, and it seemed like a good deal for everyone in town.
||Stan:||You didn't stop to think about what it would mean for us?~
||Marvin:||Aw Billy, it's not that simple. We thought about it. But our town was so tiny back then. We just, we wanted nice things other people had.
||Stan:||And you didn't give two shits what it would mean for your grandchildren.
||Marvin:||I didn't think I'd have grandkids. O didn't even want children. What's why I always came on Gram Gram's tits.
||Marvin:||But then, one night, I'm hacing sex with your grandma, and she sticks her finger in my ass. She had sometimes licked my ass bfore, but this was the first time she used her finger, and I came inside her like that. [slaps his left hand with his right] I pulled out and your grandma was like "Did you just come in me?", and I was like "Well, you stuck your finger in my ass." And that's basically why you're here, Billy.
||Stan:||This is supposed to make me feel better?
||Marvin:||I'm just saying that I wasn't thinking about the future because your father was supposed to be nothing but dried-up crust on Gram Gram's titties.
||Stan:||You... people... made a deal with ManBearPig! How?! Where?!
||Marvin:||It doesn't matter, Billy. It's too late now.
||Stan:||Tell me how the deal happened so that I can try to make it go away!
||[Downtown South Park, night. People are runniing all over the place and screaming. ManBearPig chases after them.]
||Townsman 2:||[running] No! No! [ManBearPig catches him, tears into him, and bites into his back]
||Satan:||[offscreen] ManBearPig! [approaches ManBearPig slowly, deliberately, like a sheriff in the Old West. He roars. ManBearPig roars back and faces Satan. They run at each other. ManBearPig leaps onto a car and swipes at Satan, sending him to the ground. The impact sets off car alarms. Satan gets up and turns around. They run at each other again. ManBearPig throws Satan into a building, but Satan bounces right back. They grapple for a few seconds, but ManBearPig grabs Satan's left horn and rips it off] Aaaargh!!! [ManBearPig drives the horn into Satan's chest] Aaaaarch!!! [ManBearPig grabs Sstan and throws him to the ground, then punches him a few times. ManBearPig delivers one last left hook and runs away. Satan coughs as townspeople gather around. The boys run up just in time to see him die]
||Satan:||H-hay, hey kids. [coughs] I'm sorry.
||Kyle:||No, Satan, you can't die.
||Satan:||Everyone dies. I just wish I could have helped you. [coughs again] Oh God, it hurts.
||Cartman:||We can't do this without you, Satan.
||Satan:||You have to. You have to keep trying.
||Kyle:||If you can't stop ManBearPig, how can we be-??
||Satan:||You have to keep trying!! [coughs] You... have to believe.
||Townsman 3:||Satan's dead. [a bell tolls]
||Kyle:||Coem back. Come back. [a light appearas around Satan's body, and his spirit rises from it. As it rises to Heaven, a small bell tolls and he gets angel wings.]
||Kyle:||[tears streaming from his face] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
||[A new show appears on TV]
||Annoucner:||And now, on Park County Public access, "Should We Start To Worry?" with your host, Jim Kimble.
||Jim:||As our town continues to burn to the ground, Satan has been slaughtered and sent to Heaven. Should we start to worry? joining me now, an expert on our county resources.and preparedness, Alec Vaughn. Alec, should we start to worry?
||Alec:||Jim, I think we should definitely consider starting to worry. Satan was one of the most powerful entities, supposedly, in the universe, and ManBearPig annihilated him like a bitch. I don't think we should waste any more time underestimating the importance of beginning to think about starting to worry.
||Jim:||Also joining us is the former Vice-President, Al Gore. Mr. Gore, do you think it's time for us eo deliberate the process of staring to worry?
||Spirit Gore:||If by worrying you mean getting cereal, then an emathic "YES."
||Guest:||I don't think there's any more room for not considering underestimating the importance of beginning to start the process of mulling over the conceptualization of starting to worry. And the time to do it is... very soon.
||Gore:||Hey, what are you diong?
||Spirit Gore:||I'm being a spiritual mentor. These people are depending on me.
||Gore:||No, they're depending on me! I'm depending on you, goofball!
||[South Park Elementary, night. A flaming car with people screaming inside rolls by. Kyle looks down from a classroom window. Faint sirens are heard nearby]
||Kyle:||[leaves teh window] All right, looks like we're clear.
||Cartman:||I can't believe it's the weekend, and I'm at school!
||Kyle:||This is the best place to hide.
||Cartman:||Why? Of all the places we could hide, why do I have to sit here in school?!
||Kyle:||Where's the last place anyone would think we would hide? The scene of our supposed crime, dummies! We're safe here.
||Cartman:||I'd rather be in jail than at school. [the doorknob sounds]
||Stan:||[opens the door and looks in] Guys? Guys!
||Stan:||Guys, thank God! Just stay right there, Grandpa! [a shot of Marvin in his wheelchair, on the second floor]> I know all about the deal. I know what we have to do.
||Kyle:||How'd you find us here?
||Stan:||I figured you guys would be hiding somewehre. This is the first palce I thought to look.
||Kenny:||[arms folded] (Uh huh!)
||Cartman:||Yeah, I guess we're dummies, huh Kenny?
||Kenny:||(Yeah, I guess we're dummies.)
||Stan:||Guys, listen: my stopid grandpa and a bunch of other old people made the deal with ManBearPig. It's here because of their greediness.
||Marvin:||[from the hallway] Everyone's greedy!
||Stan:||Shut up, Grandpa! I know where to go, but I need your help. I'm going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal.
||Cartman:||Are you crazy? We just saw ManBearPig take down Satan. What the hell are we supposed to do against it?
||Stan:||We have to try. [police sirens are heard approaching]
||Officer 8:||Attention school shooters... again. [the boys head to the window and look out through it] We have you surrounded... again. Come out with your hands up!
||Cartman:||We just sat in school... for nothing! [the boys soon come out the front doors with Marvin]
||Stan:||Listen! We know what to do now!
||Officer 8:||Drop to the ground and put your hands on your heads!
||Stan:||No! I need to face ManBearPig!
||Officer 8:||We have orders! You're coming with us!
||Yates:||Delay those orders! [the officers look left. Yates approaches the boys and Marvin] I've been a fool, denying ManBearPig's eistence, and I didn't realize it till I went home. My wife... had started a new life without me.. I wanted to give up, but instead, I robbed a bank at St. Denis and a went to an island north of Cuba. After I came back, that's when it all caught up with me. All the stagecoaches I had robbed, all the horses I had stole, for what?! We're nothing if we don't believe in each other! And Goddamnit, it's never too late to start trying to do the right thing. You think you know what that is, boys?
||Stan:||Yes I do. We're going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal once and for all.
||[A courtroom office, day. A lawyer has paperwork set otu for the boys to sign]
||Lawyer:||Okay, sign here and here. [hands the paperwork to Stan] These documents state merely that you've been granted power of attorney by your town and that you wish to attempt to void the current agreement.
||Lawyer:||Since this is a renegotiation, you agree that ManBearPig has right to compensation for termination, and you will give up all rights to specified assets.
||Stan:||Yes. Yes, we agree to give back cars and ice cream. [ManBearPig grumbles]
||Lawyer:||Uh, let me confer with my client. [ManBearPig grunts quietly] Uh huh. Got it. Yes. My client says that he- [ManBearPig grunts quietly] 'Kay. [ManBearPig grunts some more] Uh, mm-hmm. ManBearPig has no interest in you giving up cars and ice cream.
||Kyle:||Well, what's he want everyone to give up?
||[The Park County Courthouse, day. A crowd awaits the results of the negotiation]
||Townsman 4:||There! There he is! There he is!
||Townsman 5:||Is it over?!
||Stan:||Um, he says he'll never come back again, but... we have to give up soy sauce and Red Dead Redemption 2.
||Townsman 6:||...Just plain rice?
||Stan:||...Yeah, that's what i thought. [goes back to the table] Um, could we possibly talk about restructuring a new deal?
||Marvin:||Uh huh! Uh huh!
||Stan:||Nono. Just like, um, can we do, like, a renegotiation?
||Lawyer:||All right, sign here and here that you are entering a renegotiation with ManBearPig.
||Stan:||Where do i sign that?
||Lawyer:||Yeah, I thought so.
||Stan:||Shut up, Grandpa!
||Lawyer:||And sign here that ManBearPig has rights to the lives of all the children in Third World countries.
||Stan:||'Key, got it.
||Lawyer:||And you agree to ignore ManBearPig until he returns in five years, in which time the carnage will be a thousand-fold.
||Stan:||'Kay, where do I sign that?
||[End of Nobody Got Cereal?.]