Girl in Green Sweater (Lola)
Girl With Gray Headband
Bushy Eyebrows Boy
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Jerry, True-Value clerk
Steven and Linda Stotch
|[The school cafeteria. It looks like it's been remodeled. At the table at center sit Kyle, Stan, Craig, Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Token]|
|Butters:||[runs towards the table breathlessly] Fellas! Fellas! It's- Ohmygod! You're not gonna believe this!|
|Stan:||Dude, Butters, calm down.|
|Butters:||Okay. [takes a gulp of air and looks around] Okay. I was talking to Pete Wetchney, and he said that Danny Chadwick said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest.|
|Craig:||So who do they say is the cutest?|
|Token:||Who do they say is the ugliest?|
|Butters:||I don't know. Ih it's like a girl thing. They won't let anybody see the list but them. [turns around and looks at them. The other boys look as well. Nearby, the girls chat amongst themselves, notice the boys, then laugh. Bebe holds up a notebook]|
|Cartman:||[mad] They can't do that. Who are they to judge us on how we look?|
|Stan:||Yeah. You think they rate us just for looks, or they take personality into account?|
|Clyde:||If it's just looks then I think I'm safe.|
|Kyle:||You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list? Girls make dumb lists all the time.|
|Cartman:||[with a double cheeseburger in his left hand] Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it; we have better things to worry about.|
|Craig:||You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list!|
|Cartman:||Oh please, I don't think so, Craig! Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!|
|Craig:||You don't think they put the fat tub of tard at the bottom?|
|Cartman:||No, because people know I'm not fat! I'm buff. They probably put you at the bottom of the list because you have fucked up teeath! Or Kenny's 'caure his poor.
||Kenny:||(They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?)
||Cartman:||Kenny, face it: Girls don't wanna Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married.
||Butters:||You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya? Well if they did, my parents will ground me.
||Kyle:||You guys, do you really care what a bunch of gilrs have to say about how you rank in looks?! [the boys look at each other for a few seconds.]
||[The hallway, after lunch. Bebe's at her locker. Cartman leads a small group of boys to her.]
||Cartman:||All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
||Bebe:||[turns her head to look at him] What??
||Cartman:||You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class!
||Bebe:||That's not for boys to look at! It's a secret girl list and YOU can't see it!
||Cartman:||Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny 'cause you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him.
||Bebe:||I'm not... [slams her locker door shut] telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is! And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there! [sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him, then walks away]
||Cartman:||[blows a strong raspberry back] Fuck you Bebe! Fuck you bitch!
||Bebe:||[disappointed] Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls.
||Cartman:||Screw that, dude! We're guys. We can outthink them.
||[Cartman's house, after school. In his basement, he shares his plan with some of the other fourth gread boys.]
||Cartman:||All right, here's what we know. That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right. She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder, and we need a plan to get it from her. [points to a chalkboard with his plan on it] This is what I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail" [a map with routes of the plan laid out]
||Butters:||[happily taking notes] Neato!
||Cartman:||At 1. p.m. tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies. That's our best time to strike. As she makes her way through Hallway 3, Craig will be ready with a distraction device here. [upper center part of the map] When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls.
||Cartman:||Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee, and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta, and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good?
||[South Park Elementary, day. Nelly walks down the hall as the 1 p.m. bell rings. As she walks, Craig blows through a paper bullhorn. Nelly looks over her right shoulder and Butters runs up and kicks her in the groin]
||Nelly:||Ow! What'dja do that for?! [Butters looks down and kicks her in the groin again.] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?! [Butters is stunned that his kicks have no effect on her]
||Cartman:||Bail, bail! [he and Kenny take off]
||[Cartman's house, after school. He stands next to his revised plan, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time."]
||Cartman:||Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot. Primarily that girls do not have balls.
||Butters:||[shown with a black right eye and his right arm in a sling] They sure don't.
||Cartman:||Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
||Butters:||You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
||Cartman:||Butters, we're done talkin' about girls' balls right now! Pay attention! [continues]
||[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Token is walking down the hall when Kenny, Cartman, Craig and Butters run past him. He and the other kids in the hall look on.]
||Cartman:||We got it! We got it! [next shot is of Stan at his locker as Craig runs by.]
||Craig:||We got the list from the girls! [the other boys take pursuit: Stan, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, Tweek, Bill, and two others. Two sixth graders and some kindergartners watch from the far end of the hall]
||Nelly:||[chasing after the boys] Give that back you dirty buttholes! [the boys run into the boys' room]
||Cartman:||Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door! [Kyle is washing his hands, but he turns to see what's going on]
||Clyde:||All right, hurry! Get it up there! Let's see it!
||A Boy:||Hurry hurry!
||Craig:||Whoa, what's this thing? Where am I?
||Clyde:||What number am I on?
||A Boy:||Is it set up?
||Stan:||It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
||Clyde:||Me? [smiles] I'm the cutest? [grins]
||Stan:||And then Token, and then me.
||Token:||I'm number two? Wow.
||Butters:||[makingn he way to the front] Come on, let me see! [looks at the list and begins to scan it for hiw own name, then finds it] Oh boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11! [runs out of the bathroom as a few boys wonder why he's so happy about it]
||Craig:||Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso! [he's #12 while Cartman is #15]
||Cartman:||What?! That's bullcrap! [Kenny moves up past Cartman and looks for his name. He finds himself at #7]
||Kenny:||(Woohoo!) [moves off]
||Kyle:||Oh, so big deal, guys! Do you feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan, and last is Francis, Cartman, and... [finds himself at #16, the last one on the list. His head drops a little] Me?
||Cartman:||You're last, dude! [laughs heartily]
||Cartman:||Yes way! Check it out! [laughs heartily]
||Stan:||Cartman, lay off! You're next to last.
||Cartman:||So? I'm hotter than Kyle. [makes his way through the crowd and out of the bathroom] I'm better looking than Kyyyle! [the other boys join him out except for Stan andn Kyle] Yes! I'm hotter than Kyyyle! I'm hotter than Kyyyle!
||Kyle:||I'm last? Last?
||Stan:||Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?
||Kyle:||I got voted the ugliest boy in the whole class?
||Stan:||Who cares what dumb girls think, right? [realizes there's no consolation now and walks away. Kyle stays there looking at the list. Alone. All alone. All alone in the boys' room]
||[Butters' house, day. He makes it home and runs into the kitchen. In the living room are three pairs of snow boots.]
||Butters:||Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!
||Steven:||[holding a smoking pipe with his right hand and reading the Denver Post] Well good for you, Butters.
||Linda:||Way to go, champ.
||Butters:||Whoopie! [flies off to his room]
||Steven:||Well, guess we don't have to ground him.
||[Kyle's house, evening. The family's at dinner, but Kyle isn't eating. He's still depressed.]
||Sheila:||Kyle, what's the matter? You barely touched your knishes.
||Kyle:||The... girls at school. They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy.
||Sheila:||Wwwhat? That's ridiculous. My little bubbeleh is adorable!
||Kyle:||Llook, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I I didn't think I was the very ugliest.
||Sheila:||You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect little man. You look just like your father. [Gerald looks at Kyle and flashes a smile]
||Kyle:||Oh God! I do?
||Gerald:||But he has his mother's nose.
||Kyle:||[slaps both hands on his own nose] Ahahah!
||Sheila:||Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way.
||Kyle:||Ike, Ike, you have to be honest. Am I ugly, yes or no? [Ike looks at him, then at their parents, then back at him. Kyle takes this to mean yes, and so leaves his chair] You ALL think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!
||Sheila:||Kyle, come back here! [a door slams shut]
||[Kyle's bedroom, night. Kyle is in his pajamas, in his bed, under the covers. He still can't get over the list. He hears a knock at his window and looks over: it's Cartman]
||Cartman:||I'm better-looking than you! [knocks on the window again] The girls think I'm better-looking than you, Kyle!
||Kyle:||Hrrgh! [stands on his bed and pulls on a drawstring to close the curtains]
||Cartman:||[moving with the curtain until he can no longer see inside Kyle's room] Dude, Kyle. Can you hear me? They totally think I'm hotter than you are. [knocks] Kyle! Kyle, I'm more attractive. [knocks again. The curtain is fully closed and Kyle goes back to sleep] Kyle?
||[Clyde's house. He's looking at himself in a full-length mirror in nothing but briefs.]
||Martha:||[checking in on Clyde] Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed. [Clyde looks at his mom, who closes the door, then turns back to the mirror]
||Clyde:||[raises his right eyebrow and knits his left one, then strikes a pose] Hey, what's goin' on? [looks at himself from the side] What's goin on? Hey. [checks out his ass and then strikes another pose] Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on? Nice.
||[South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks down the hall holding his notebook close. The other kids laugh as he walks by. He stops when he sees Clyde testing his moves.]
||Clyde:||Hey, what's goin' on?
||Two Girls:||Hey Clyde.
||Clyde:||What's goin' on? [Kyle is dismayed, but he hears Butters running up to him.]
||Butters:||[laughing] Hey ugly! [runs off. Kyle then walks forward]
||Clyde:||[stops him] Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? [Kyle remains sad] You know, Abraham Lincoln was pretty ugly too, but look what he accomplished. [Kyle is no happier] Chin up, cowboy. [leaves to talk to a girl nearby] Hey, what's goin' on? [the girl smiles]
||Girl:||Oh, not much, just hanging around-
||Butters:||[returns to taunt Kyle some more] Hehehe. Hey, nice... nice ears, haha. Pizza Face! [runs off laughing]
||Clyde:||Butters, that's not cool, man. [takes off after him] He can't help how he looks. [the girl walks away]
||Cartman:||[walks up] Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should... hang out with the other ugly kids in the school. Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much. Right? [Kyle stays mum, as before] Cool. [walks away. A few seconds later, Kyle's eyes pop open]
||[The school cafeteria, day. Three ugly kids are shown eating slowly - two boys and a girl between them. Across from them are a fat ugly girl and another ugly boy. Kyle walks up and sits between these two.]
||Kyle:||Hello. [the girl takes a sip of her milk, then lowers the carton]
||Bushy Eyebrows Boy:||[with bushy eyebrows] Are you going to eat your pickle? [Kyle just picks it up and hands it to him. The boy takes it and starts eating it, slowly]
||[The playground, later. As the other kids play various games, the five ugly kids and Kyle sit on the steps by an entranace. Butters runs around in his #11 shirt laughing merrily.]
||Craig:||Could somebody toss the football back? It's over there next to the ugly kids. [the ugly kids just watch quietly. Kyle is more and more depressed.]
||Big-Eared Boy:||I hate coming to this school. It makes me angry.
||Big-Eared Boy:||Sometimes I just want to burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground!
||Kyle:||[leans away, then stands up] No. You know what? Screw this! We aren't ugly!
||Fat Girl:||We're not?
||Kyle:||No! Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know? Like a makeover.
||Bushy Eyebrows Boy:||Hey yeah.
||Kyle:||[to the girl wearing glasses] Like you! Maybe you just need to let your hair down. And let's see how you look without those glasses. [removes them, and is met with tiny little eyes. The girl smiles after a few seconds.] Llet's just... put those back on. [puts them back on the girl, goes back to the steps, sits down and buries his head in his arms with a sigh. A few seconds later, Stan walks by and stops. He looks at the group helplessly. A few seconds later, he walks up to the merry-go-round, where Wendy and two other girls are chatting.]
||Lola:||I know, that song is so awesome. [Red notices him]
||Stan:||Uh Wendy. Could I talk to you?
||Wendy:||Of course, Stan. [the other two girls smile]
||Stan:||Just for a minute. Over here. [takes her aside, to a tree nearby]
||Lola:||[to Red] You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?
||Wendy:||This is a nice surprise. I thought you were never speaking to me again.
||Stan:||Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made.
||Wendy:||Which one? We make lists all the time.
||Stan:||The one where you rated the boys' looks in the class. Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay? How could you vote him the ugliest?
||Wendy:||[walks off a bit] Look, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest. My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough of the other girls must have felt he was-
||Stan:||[walks up next to her] So it wasn't unanimous. Maybe you can just change the list.
||Wendy:||Change the list?! Do you have any idea what that would take?! Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls! It's just not something we do flippantly! There's protocol!
||Stan:||Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list and find out why they voted Kyle last?
||Wendy:||[thinks a moment, then] All right, I'll try and get you into our next list-making meeting. But it won't be easy.
||[The girls' meeting room, day. The room is pink, with pink bows here and there. Lists and drawings are everywhere on the walls. Two tables, each seating seven people, face each other. Between them is a smaller table seating two, and a judge's bench. Wendy is already present with Stan when the other girls file in and take their seats. Bebe is presiding.]
||Bebe:||Today's list meeting is called to order. Rebecca, you have the floor.
||Rebecca:||[now formerly known as Red] If it pleases and sparkles I suggest we continue deliberations on List 47D: Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse?
||Bebe:||Rebecca moves we work on List 47D. Does that sparkle with all the girls?
||Lola:||Deliberating "Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse"? Millie has the floor.
||Millie:||If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to submit that [motions to her left] Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest. Definitely cuter than Teresa's.
||Blond Girl:||I don't think anyone here disagrees that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's, but it doesn't make it the cutest.
||Bebe:||The committee has already decided that nothing with stripes can be in the Top 5 cutest purses.
||Lola:||Sunshine sparkle Wendy has the floor.
||Wendy:||If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to suggest that we... [glances at Stan] That we reopen last week's list for debate.
||Girls:||[debating] What'd she say? She's gotta be kidding!
||Heidi:||Is she crazy?
||Bebe:||All right, all right, come before the Rainbow Railing. [Stan and Wendy walk into the center of the room]
||Stan:||Aaah, I was just thinking that maybe you voted a little... hastily on the cutest boy?
||Rebecca:||You thought you should be number one?
||Bebe:||Let me assure you that no list is made hastily by this committee!
||Wendy:||He didn't mean that. He was just saying maybe we should open it up again for discussion.
||Bebe:||I cannot by Sparkle Law move to have an old list investigated. However, if you can find recourse for such an inquiry, Wendy, I would review it. Does that sparkle with all the girls?
||[Kyle's house, night. All the lights are out. In his room, Kyle is laying on his stomach and flicks a lighter on, then off, then on again, then off.]
||Kyle:||They all laugh at me! [flicks on] And the girls giggle behind my back! [flicks off] unable to even glance at my disfigured face.
||A Voice:||Do not burn down the school, Kyle. [Kyle looks around]
||Kyle:||Who said that?
||A Voice:||I did. [a body appears in the room to match the voice - it's Abrahan Lincoln's glowing ghost] Do you know who I am?
||Abraham Lincoln:||I am Abraham Lincoln. Burning down the school will not solve your problems. You think you've been cheated because you are ugly, but I am here to show you otherwise. Come! There is much to see. [walks out] I want you to look in here. [they approach a random house and look inside. A bored woman is playing with a pencil and pebble at her small dining table] This woman is Nancy Pinkerton. As a child she was consistently the most beautiful girl in her entire school. Her life as a youth was filled with praises, and everything being handed to her. Boys told her she was special. She was funny. She was interesting. But that's only because she was hot. It wasn't until she reached age 40, when her looks started to fade, that she learned she was actually about as interesting and special, as a wet carrot. [they leave her as they found her, playing with a pencil, all alone in her dining room. They move on to the next house] This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal. [Yamal is shown playing a piano] Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him. He has to work at making something of himself. But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult. He will have character, something that kids who are hot rarely develop. Like your classmate, Clyde. [they approach Clyde's house. Clyde is all cool laying on his couch talking to someone on the phone] Now that he knows he's good-looking, he doesn't have to make any effort to be special.
||Clyde:||Naw, Rebecca's just a friend. I wanna be with you now. Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too.
||:||Now his life will be about girls. Chatting with them on the phone and buying them shoes. He will most likely marry very young, and not realize until age 40 that he's a total douche. And so you see, Kyle, it is actually the beautiful kids that are cursed.
||Kyle:||But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy. That's forever from now.
||Abraham Lincoln:||You must be patient.
||Kyle:||Just take me home! I don't wanna be here anymore! Take me home!
||Abraham Lincoln:||[sighs] Very well.
||[Kyle's house, later. Lincoln stops in front of it and Kyle gets out.]
||Abraham Lincoln:||Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you.
||Kyle:||I don't want to! I don't want anybody telling me how to feel anymore!
||Abraham Lincoln:||Well then you're just a fucking asshole! [drives off. Kyle, stunned at that comment, just looks on.]
||[Wendy's room, night. Stan is on a beanbag chair as Wendy sifts through the lists at her desk.]
||Wendy:||Wait a minute. Wait, Stan, I think I've got something! [Stan gets off the chair and walks up to the desk] Take a look at this: during final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle.
||Stan:||I have no idea what you're talking about.
||Wendy:||It doesn't add up. It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list. [they look at each other, smiling]
||[Rebecca's house, day. Wendy and Stan walk up; Wendy knocks on the door. Rebecca answers]
||Rebecca:||Oh, hey Wendy.
||Wendy:||Hey Rebecca. Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?
||Rebecca:||[laughs it off] Oho Wendy, we're done with that list.
||Wendy:||I know, but I think there's been a mistake. Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest. That means that mathematically he should have been-
||Rebecca:||[menacingly] All right, you need to stop. Digging. Around, Wendy! [looks around to make sure no one else is listening] You might not like... what you find! [begins to draw close to her] Just back off and stop asking questions! [in Wendy's face] You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle! Let it... go! [backs up into her house and closes the door]
||Stan:||That didn't sparkle with her, did it?
||[True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement, day. Someone is purchasing a lot of kerosene, propane, and lighter fluid.]
||Clerk:||[the name tag says Jerry] One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid, [Kyle stands there with determination in his eyes] seven gallons of high-octane kerosene, and a box of matches. [the total is $82.32] Okay, is that everything, little boy?
||Kyle:||[determined] That should just about do it.
||Jerry:||Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today?
||[The girls' meeting room, day. Wendy and Stan are back in the middle of the room. Two girls are before them, behind the small table in front of the bench]
||Wendy:||Nonorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary, I believe a member of our committee has tampered with one of our lists. I've compiled a full report, and it turns out that nobody voted Clude the cutest in the class. I believe Rebecca changed the list to make him number one.
||Lola:||Why would she do that?
||Wendy:||Right after the list was made, Rebecca started going out with Clyde. You can read all the discrepancies here. [drops the report on the table] We need to remake that list. [the girls look at the list as Wendy returns to Stan]
||Girl With Gray Headband:||You just couldn't let it go! [puts her left hand on the report]
||Wendy:||Uh, what do you mean? Call the girls in.
||Girl With Gray Headband:||I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy! [the other girl leaves the table]
||Lola:||Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father own the shoe store at the mall? A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough.
||Wendy:||[points at her] You knew!
||Lola:||[pulls out a folder] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list! That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list, and... hide the real one!
||Wendy:||So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee!
||Girl With Gray Headband:||Bebe?! Who do you think authorized the buyout?!
||Wendy:||[stunned that her best friend was in on this] No. Not Bebe.
||Girl With Gray Headband:||She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her.
||Stan:||What's going on?
||Wendy:||When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna-
||Girl With Gray Headband:||Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?! We'll simple generate a new list! "Biggest Liars"! And put you at the top!
||Lola:||Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go! And keep your little mouth shut!
||Wendy:||I don't think so! [goes up and kicks the girl in the groin, hard]
||Lola:||[doubling over, dropping the folder] AAGH!
||Wendy:||[grabs the folder and runs away] Stan, run!
||Stan:||Jesus, dude! [runs out after her. The two other girls give chase]
||[Yamal's house, night. He's playing piano when someone knocks at his door. He goes to answer it.]
||Stan:||[breathlessly] Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle? We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something.
||Yamal:||[waits a second or two] He's burning down the school.
||Yamal:||He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground.
||[The night suddenly gets stormy, but it's not cloudy enough to hide the full moon.]
||Kyle:||[on the school roof pouring lighter fluid out] All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over! Are you happy now, God?! YOU made me look like this!
||Stan:||[he and Wendy reach the roof and run up to him] Kyle! Kyle, don't!
||Kyle:||Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!
||Stan:||The list was a forgery, Kyle!
||Stan:||It didn't sparkle with all the girls. We have the real list. [a gun is cocked and pops into view, aimed at Wendy]
||A Girl:||That's about far enough! [it's Bebe holding the gun and fresh from shopping] Give me that list, Wendy!
||Kyle:||Stan, what is going on?!
||Stan:||It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
||Bebe:||Kyle was simple a casualty! To move Clyde meant that Craig has to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up!
||Kyle:||So what number was I??
||Wendy:||You've compromised everything! Our lists' integrity!
||Bebe:||Did you seeee these shoes, Wendy?! [pulls out a new pair of shoes] They're incredible!
||Wendy:||It doesn't matter how incredible they are; you can't- Oh my God, those are amazing.
||Wendy:||Is that a lace across the top?
||Bebe:||No, it's a little strap.
||Wendy:||[remembers why she's there] Oh, but it doesn't matter. You took it too far!
||Bebe:||If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away! [cocks her gun again]
||Kyle:||She's gonna kill us?
||Wendy:||It's too late, Bebe. I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police. People will know.
||Bebe:||Oh please, you're lying. [sirens approach and she realizes Wendy wasn't lying. Five police cars converge on the school and cops pour out of them]
||Officer:||[on the bullhorn] Give it up, Bebe. We know all about it. The list was compromised. Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class. [Wendy takes this opportunity to wrestle the gun away from Bebe. A gunshot goes off and Wendy is stunned]
||Stan:||Wendy! [she steps back and checks herself for bullet wounds, then finds the gun in her left hand. Bebe looks pained, then she checks herself for bullet wounds. Since they're both uninjured, they look around wondering where the bullet went.]
||[Kenny's house, night. He and his family are eating breakfast... for dinner. Each of the family members has a bowl of cereal before them. The bullet shoots in through the window, into the back of Kenny's head and out through his forehead. Stuart, his mom, and Kevin jump back in horror as blood splatters on them. They look at each other fearfully]
||Kenny:||(Aah-) [his head falls into his bowl. A few seconds later, some Pop-Tarts pop out of the toaster.]
||[The school roof, moments later. Officers are now on the roof and handcuff Bebe]
||Bebe:||Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong.
||Officer:||You can explain all that downtown. [the cops take her away. Wendy is holding Bebe's shopping bag]
||Stan:||Here, Kyle. [hands the folder to Kyle. Wendy looks inside the bag - she's got herself some free shoes.] We've been through a lot, but, you can finally see where you really are on the list. [Kyle holds the folder in his hands, but...]
||[The school grounds, minutes later. Wendy stands over a garbage can, holding a lighter and torching the folder containing the real list. She flicks the lighter off and drops the burning folder inside the trash can.]
||Stan:||Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle?
||Kyle:||I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right: I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up.
||Wendy:||Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like you've changed somehow. In a really awesome way. [smiles]
||Stan:||Yeah well, I guess a lot of things... change, don't they? [smiles. As they smile, they look into each other's eyes. Stan begins to get queasy] Bwaaaagh! Bwaaaagh! [throws up on her twice, and she just takes it as she used to do in third grade.]
||[End of The List.]
||[Wait, there's more! We return to Stan, Wendy and Kyle standing around the trash can. Wendy still has vomit on her face.|
This is a purported deleted scene, but we all know they just answered the question we all had. :D]
|Kyle:||You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
||Wendy:||Well, I guess we'll never know. [looks at Kyle, then at Stan, then at Kyle, then at the burning list] ...Except that I looked and it was Cartman.
||[The school cafeteria, next day. Cartman is now seated with the ugly kids.]
||Cartman:||This is bullcrap!
||Butters:||[from a table at the other end of the cafeteria] Hey Ugly Bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a zitskrieg across your face?! [laughs his ass off]
||Cartman:||Oh well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside. [smiles, then frowns] Oh God damnit. [drops his face into his lunch. The boy with bushy eyebrows quietly steals Cartman's pickle.]
||[End of The List. For reals.]