The Guest Stars of
"Night of the Living Homeless"

by Wild Willie Westwood

Homeless Advisor, Chris Swollenballs, Glen, Dennis and Christine, Man from Evergreen

South Park is seeing more and more homeless on its streets and the Mayor calls a city council meeting to do something about it. The Mayor brings in a guest speaker, the Homeless Advisor, for his input. All he sugeests is that everyone should be careful, because if they give anything to the homeless, there will be more of them. When the Mayor's aide drives them to safety, he tells them where they should go to find out how to deal with the homeless, and they end up at the advisor's office. He tells them how the homeless operate and live, sustaining themselves on our change, always asking for change after promptly forgetting we just gave them some. When they hear voices coming down to the lab asking for change, the advisor shows the boys a way out and makes sure they go out safely. He then takes a gun and tries to kill himself... nine times. He finally succeeds, and the boys head to Evergreen.
Chris Swollenballs is the reporter covering the story about the homeless in South Park. Glen is the head of public safety in town and one of the people on the roof of the community center. He learns from his wife that the value of their house has plummeted, so the bank decided to foreclose on his house and kick him and his wife out of it. He has no place to store all his stuff. He is now homeless. Randy holds off on killing him though, until he hears the magic word: change. When the boys return with a fortified bus to lure the homeless away, Randy props up Glen's corpse twice as if Glen were still alive.
When the boys arrive at Evergreen, they find a town utterly destroyed. Three men pop up in front of them. One of them is Dennis, who tells the boys about the arrival of the homeless in Evergreen three months prior, how the homeless saved enough change to buy apartments and then homes, how they became indistinguishable from homeowners, and how suspicion drove families apart, to the point that Dennis killed his wife by burning her in bed while she slept because he thought she had become homeless. Another of the men commented on Cartman's 30-bum jump, which never actually happened but which somehow arrived at Evergreen as fact. Christine is the woman Dennis thought he killed, but all he did was burn her lips off. For some reason her underwear is down at her ankles. When Dennis tells her he has a time hard understanding what she's saying, she kills him. The third man in the group kills her, but she gets a final shot and shoots the second man before dying. The second man kills the third man before he himself dies.