The Guest Stars of
"A Million Little Fibers"

by Wild Willie Westwood


Towelie at work

A waiter and his boss

Towelie is working at P.F. Chang's China Bistro as a waiter, but he's always high and always slow to do his work. The waiter at left complains to his boss that Towelie isn't giving him any support. The head waiter sees what his waiter is talking about and fires Towelie on the spot.

Towelie becomes a celebrity

Publishers at Porcupine Press and Arbitrary House

Oprah and her Aides

Geraldo Rivera and his butler Dimitri, Larry King

Towelie needs to raise money to pay his rent, so he decides to give writing a try. He begins to write his memoirs, proofreads them, and submits them to several publishers, two of whom are featured here. The Porcupine Press publisher rejects the book on the grounds that Mr. McTowelie is a towel and no one would take his memoirs seriously. Towelie changes "towel" and "towels" to "person" and "people" and submits his revision to the Arbitrary House publisher, who's quite impressed with the memoirs. The publisher still wonders if Towelie is a towel, but Towelie prevails upon him that he isn't, so the memoirs go to press.
Oprah gets wind of Towelie's book, reads it, and invites him onto her show, where she asks him a few questions about it. When the revelation is made that the author of "A Million Little Fibers" is actually a towel, Oprah invites Towelie back onto her show, where she scolds him for lying to her and to the American people. She proceeds to lead a lynch against Towelie, who runs as fast as he can. He tries to hide inside a bank, but he can't open the doors. Oprah and her fans surround him, but something happens to turn the fans into hostages and the lynching into a standoff.
That something actually begins when Oprah interviews Mr. McTowelie for the first time - her vagina Mingie and asshole Gary begin to complain that she's giving Mr. McTowelie more time and attention than she gives to them. They hatch a plan to get Oprah fired for believing Mr. McTowelie's story, getting Geraldo Rivera to help them. Geraldo's butler Dimitri tells him that he has a call, and Geraldo goes to answer it. Mingie tells him the truth about Towelie, and Geraldo goes to investigate. Towelie next goes on the Larry King show and Geraldo Rivera calls in to drop the bombshell. Towelie is discredited and Oprah calls him to appear again on her show. Mingie and Gary are confident their plan will now work out, but that plan is thwarted when Oprah redeems herself by challenging Mr. McTowelie's story. After Towelie is cornered at the bank doors, the vagine, Mingie, decides to take charge. It pulls out a gun and takes everyone hostage, promising Gary that they will somehow get away and go to Paris. Mingie demands a helicopter to the airport and a jet to France

Chicago's Finset

A police officer, Lt. Nelson, O'Reilly, a detective.

During the standoff a police officer tries to reason with Mingie, but Mingie shoots him and the SWAT team is called in. A SWAT officer sets a walkie-talkie under Mingie so negotiations can take place, and Lt. Nelson begins negotiating. Lt. Nelson sees that Mingie is one unstable vagina, so he calls on a sharpshooter, O'Reilly, to keep his sights trained on Towelie, then tells him to back off because of the hostages. Towelie gets the idea to slide into the bank under the front doors, open the doors and guide the hostages into the bank and towards freedom. When Oprah is all alone, O'Reilly shoots her and Gary is hit. Mingie comforts Gary as Gary dies from the gunshot, telling Gary they're now in Paris and describing the city. After Gary dies, Mingie laments that life isn't worth living without Gary and proceeds to take its own life. The detective congratulates Towelie on a job well done.