The Secrets of
"The Return of Chef!"

by Wild Willie Westwood, with sources from all over the Web

Chef gets the canned sound effects that guests stars get in regular sitcoms

Remember this:

Even when he's ... an SAC member, he's around women. :D

In the waiting room are a "Good Grief" poster of Lucy van Pelt in her little booth (Psychiatric Help, 5¢. The doctor is IN) and of a cloudy day (palm trees, "SOME RAIN MUST FALL").

The background picture in the degrees on Dr. Neeland's office wall and the candle on the cabinet nearby are all shaped like the Grrek capital latter psi, the first letter in the Greek original.

Super Adventure Club - seems to be based on Disney World's Adventure Club, a club with a 1937 safari setting (Hubbard once belonged to the Explorer's Club). The main room at the SAC is pretty much the main salon at the real Adventure Club. Trey and Emma Parker, newly married, spent some time in Disney World soon after their wedding in late January 2006. The initials SAC can be reversed and the A changed to an O...

The Typus orbis terrarum (1570), by Abraham Ortelius, 1527-1598, is the map Mr. Connolly is planning his missions on.

The founder of the Club, the current head, and the man with the tranquilizer darts are all named William. Two of them are William P. Hmmm...

William P. Phinehas = L. Ron Hubbard, who was reportedly a child molester (and accused Jesus of being a child molester), and who traveled the world in expeditions. He's said to have taken long trips with children of various races. He also bears resemblance to Teddy Roosevelt, a big-game hunter.

When Mr. Connolly gets to explaining how Phinehas had discovered the secret to immortality, a line appears on screen: "This is what Super Adventure Club Actually Believes," mimicking the line "This is what Scientologists Actually Believe" from "Trapped In The Closet."

Yes, the Peppermint Hippo strip club from "Li'l Crime Stoppers" and the strippers and DJ in it are back for this episode. :)

"loving many, many children" - this spoofs the line MnT gave Chef to say when he was telling the boys about his days as a rock-n-roll chef, in which he made love to many, many woman (of course, the next picture the boys see is Chef with a goat).

Chef falls to his apparent death much as Saddam did in SP:BLU and Kim Jong Ill did in Team America: World Police, and like Homer Simpson falling down Springfield Gorge in The Simpsons' "Bart the Daredevil." The sharpened stick he's impaled on eventually comes out with the final fart - the stick in the ass.

Stan and Kyle apply the lines they used to use for Kenny... to Chef.

"how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?" - a throwback to the episode and song of the same name. By this point, Chef had been rebuilt as Darth Chef, the way Anakin Walker was in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith to become Darth Vader.

Darth Chef was voiced by Peter Serafinowicz, voice of Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Below is a summary of both sides of this controversy. Hayes' spokespeople, who are all Scientologists, are saying one thing, other people are saying something else

Spokespersons - Hayes didn't have a stroke, and he did issue a statement


Amy Harnell, a spokesperson for Hayes, told MTV News the Fox News report was "definitely not true" and that Hayes' decision to quit was "his and his alone."
Hayes' spokesperson wants it to be known that the musician is "100-percent" finished with "South Park."
"He's finished talking about it. Basically, his feeling is, if [Stone and Parker] felt the need to do episodes like this one, then that's fine," Harnell said. "He's done with it, and he's already turning his attention to a series of upcoming commercial projects."
Hayes' spokeswoman Amy Harnell says he was hospitalized Jan. 15 in Memphis with high blood pressure, and had "subsequent medical complications," but was released after a few days and is "totally fine now."

Both she and Christina "Kumi" Kimball, another spokesperson for Isaac Hayes, are devoted Scientologists. Non-Scientologists can't get to speak to Hayes, and Hayes is being watched closely, if the second report on the right is correct, so his fellow Scientologists won't allow him to return to the show if he wanted to.

Other folk - Hayes did have a stroke, so he couldn't issue a statement

Two Fox News articles withholding and revealing the person who says Hayes quit the show - Christina "Kumi" Kimball - are from Roger Friedman, who is not a Scientologist. He contends that Hayes did not quit the show and that others did it for him without his permission

Isaac Hayes did not quit "South Park." My sources say that someone quit it for him.
As close friends told me over the weekend, he did not resign from "South Park" or issue any kind of press release to that effect. Although headlines like "Hayes Gives the Shaft to 'South Park'" are funny, they are inaccurate.
As recently as early January, before his stroke, Hayes defended the "South Park" creators in an interview with “The AV Club,” the serious side of the satirical newspaper, The Onion.
AV Club: They did just do an episode that made fun of your religion, Scientology. Did that bother you?
Hayes: Well, I talked to Matt and Trey about that. They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, 'Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that shit, you know?' But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses and understand what we do. [Laughs.]
Hayes loves "South Park" and needs it for income. He has a new wife and a baby on the way.
Isaac, according to friends, is doing very well. He’s attending to business and getting back on his feet. Hopefully, he’ll be dishing up Chef like a gourmet again in no time.

Prehensile Foreskin at the SPS BBS says the following:

My brother is a music producer who has been to several parties at Isaac's house, and has met the man maybe 8 times. We decided to drive over and find out first hand if he quit or if he didn't. A woman we had never seen answered the door and said he was on a trip. We knew that wasn't true, because he a) has a kid on the way and b) the car was in the driveway. When we said, "Look we know he is here, we are friends of his," she said he didn't want to see anyone. There was a reporter on the lawn who came up and tried to tape her, but she closed the door. We put our ears to the door and could have sworn we heard Isaac's voice inside. We talked to the reporter for a while, and he said Isaac didn't quit and a few closer friends coming out of the house had said so. I don't know what to believe, but one thing is sure: that lady was definitely a Scientology monitor. She was wearing a pinstriped power suit and driving a car with a Dianetics sticker on it. Yikes. Freaky. It feels like he was kidnapped. My brother, who knows him, said he would never get senstive about anything like [religion]. Totally out of character.
My brother had some time, so we drove by Isaac's house again. Once again, one reporter hanging out in his car eating a burrito and waiting for a sighting. This time no car in the driveway. We went to the back door and knocked. Behold, Isaac opened, all smiles, apparently glad to see my brother. He was all smiles. He invited us in and made us tuna sandwiches. Such a nice guy. Anyway, Rick (my brother) broached the subject by say we had been worried about him, and was everything OK?
He said that he had actually quit the show, but that "they" had added his statement about religious intolerance, that he himself actually thought the episode was quite funny. He said that he was under a lot of pressure because he was a public face for Scientology. He caved in because he believes in the religion, but still felt it was a little heavy-handed.
That was about the best news we could have heard, because it shows that he is not a hypocrite, that he did not mind the send-up, but just made a sacrifice for what he believes. That's fair enough. And I have to tell you, this is a really sweet guy. I had never met him before...he is funny and animated and has a great voice (he is not exaggerating when he voices chef...that is really how he talks.
I told him I was on this blog, and he asked me to convey his apologies for the disappointment we all felt. I assured him that after 9 sweet years, we owed him lots.

One thing the sides agree on is that Chef is doing better and is attending to business - a series of upcoming commercial projects. The anecdotal report on the right column unfortunately confirms Matt Stone's contention that Hayes quitting was all about his belief in Scientology. Stone was right in pointing out that Hayes had no problem working with the show when it attacked other religions, but caved in when it was Scientology's turn to be lampooned. Thus, no stroke was involved, no intolerance of religion was involved. It was Hayes making a choice - stay with the show and risk the wrath of fellow Scientologists, or stay with Scientology and kiss the show good-bye.

Chef Says...

Below are the clips they used to voice Chef, and the episodes those clips came from. If you see the same line several times, the eps will go from oldest to more recent.



I'm goinna- I'm goinna- Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
I'm goinna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fiyuh! Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
I'm gonna make love to the children. Cartman Gets an Anal Probe,
I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Cartman Gets an Anal Probe, Cancelled
I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. , Cancelled
Ack. Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Damnit! Ah- Awww!
Aw, come on, children. Let's go home. It Hits The Fan
Children! Ruuun!
Children! What have I done? , Damien
Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweeet love.
Come on, children. Let's all go home and make love. , It Hits the Fan, Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Doctor, do you have- children? ---, ---
Get the hell out of here, children!! Pink Eye
G'bye! Red Hot Catholic Love
God-damn! ---
Have you all been sodomizing your children too? Timmy 2000, ,
Hello there, children! ---
Hello there, children! ---
Hello there, children! ---
Hey children, everybody! I'm back! Ow. Summer Sucks
How's it goin'? ---
I'm sorry boys. ---
I'm sorry children. Chef Goes Nanners
I can't... break these locks. Mecha-Streisand
I just like to make love up your butt. ---, Cartman Gets an Anal Probe, Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
I specializes in your asshole, Kyle. Cancelled
Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass ---, Death Camp of Tolerance
Nnono! ---
Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love. ---, Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Oh! ---
Thank you. Jimbo. ---, ---
That's right! Thank you. Good-bye- Everybody. Cancelled, ---, ---, ---
That's right. ---
That's right. ---
That's right. Randy! ---, ---
Wait a minute. ---
Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love? The Succubus, Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Well, it's true. The Succubus
What's the meaning of life? Why are we here? Are You There, God? It's Me, Jesus
Wow! ---
Yeah! ---
You bet! G'bye. Children! The Succubus, Cartman Gets an Anal Probe, ---