The Dead Friend Sketch

A South Park Tribute to Monty Python,
From Month Python's Flying Circus 30th Anniversary Special


Trey Parker
Matt Stone

Cartman (as John Cleese)
Kyle (as Michael Palin)
Kenny (as The Parrot)
Statue 1, Michelangelo's David
Statue 2, Venus de Milo
A Cutout Of Terry Gilliam

Mrs. Beatrice Gilliam

[Trey and Matt sit in an office surrounded by South Park figurines and posters]
MATT:HI I'm Matt Stone
TREY:And I'm Trey Parker, and here's the South Park tribute to Monty Python
[South Park. A new store is seen: THE FRIEND STORE, with Friends 4 Sale. Cartman opens the door and enters hauling a large brown sack. He approaches the counter, behind which is Kyle. "Buy 1 Get 1 Free!!"]
Kyle:Can I help you?
Cartman:Yes. I wish to complain about the friend I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Kyle:Oh, yes, the Kenny. What's wrong with him?
Cartman:I'll tell you what's wrong with him my lad. [pulls a dead and tattered Kenny from the sack] He's DEAD!
Kyle:Nonono, he's uuh, he's resting.
Cartman:Look asshole, I know a dead friend when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now!
Kyle:Nono, hes not dead, he's resting. Remarkable friend Kenny, isn't he? Great loyalty.
Cartman:Loyalty doesn't enter into it! He's stone DEAD!
Kyle:Nonononono, he's resting.
Cartman:All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up. [screams at Kenny's corpse] HELLO KENNY! I'VE GOT TEN DOLLARS FOR YOU KENNY!
Kyle:[walks up to the corpse and nudges it] There, he moved.
Cartman:No he didn't, that was you hitting him!
Kyle:I never…
Cartman:Yes, you did!
Statue 1:[Michelangelo's David pops up] No, he didn't. [drops down]
Cartman:Yes he-! [realizes something's wrong] What was that?
Kyle:What was what?
Statue 2:[Venus leans in] Why, nothing. Go back to bed. [moves out]
Cartman:[perplexed] What the hell's going o-? [notices someone else] Oooh, it's YOU! [approaches the camera] Alright buddy, you stop that right now! This is our show! [A hand picks him up and out of the store] Wha-ah?
Terry:[a cutout, with the left hand holding Cartman, mimics him.] Hey, I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Statue 2:[now in Terry's right hand] No you're not, you're bleedin' fat!
Terry:[mimics Cartman] You shut up, hippy!
Cartman:Put me down!
Statue 1:[now in Terry's other right hand] Hold on, hold on.
Statue 2:Tell the little fat kid to piss off!
Terry:[mimics Cartman] I'm not fat I'm big boned!
Cartman:Aaa- [a giant foot steps on them all - splat]
[End of sketch. The camera is back in the office with Trey and Matt]
MATT:Did ya like that? Good, 'cause we wanna do a whole lot more of those.
TREY:Uhwell, the problem is we don't have time. We'd like to get someone like Terry Gilliam to do South Park for us.
MATT:Yeah, but now he's a big Hollywood director.
TREY:And he doesn't really have time. That's why we kidnapped his mother. Zoom out, cameraman! [the camera zooms out to reveal "Mrs. Beatrice Gilliam" strapped to a chair next to Matt, who glances at her, and Trey addresses her] Say hi to Terry, mommy!
MRS. GILLIAM:Terry, please, please help me!
TREY:Shut you hole! That's enough out of you!
MRS. GILLIAM:Well, I'm not going to be quiet.
MATT:You will come work for us, Terry Gilliam, huh-or we'll use your mother's DNA to duplicate you, and then make other little Terry Gilliams who'll come work for us!
MRS. GILLIAM:[begins while Matt speaks] Please! Please do what they say, Terry, and I won't embarrass you like I did on your twenty-fifth—
MRS. GILLIAM:—anniversary show.
TREY:[shouting over her] SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
MATT:[jumps up and screams] SHUT UP!!
MRS. GILLIAM:[to the duo] I'm not going to…
MATT:[jumps up and screams] SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!
[End of Tribute. Three constables appear to address the status of the missing mum. The middle constable speaks]
Constable:Mrs. Gilliam is still missing. So if anyone finds her, will you please return her to her son Terrence, who is worried stiff. Postage and packaging will be refunded so long as she is posted within the E.C. or the Republic of Ireland. And in a reusable envelope. Thank you.
[The constables go on to address other crimes. End.]