The Secrets of
'Cartman Gets an Anal Probe'
(the unaired version)

by Wild Willie Westwood

Things in the original opening credits

by Chuck

Les Cleypool walks through South Park throughout.

Every time the boys say their lines the staff credits appear.

  1. On "I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time", Les walks past the billboard with the clip from "The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Santa"
  2. On "Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation", Stan and Kyle appear pop up and say their line.
  3. On "Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind", Mr. Hanky bounces on screen. Les walks past South Park Elementary.
  4. On "Ample parking day or night, people spouting, 'Howdy, neighbor!'", Cartman appears on screen and says his line.
  5. On "Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind", Chef appears on screen
  6. On "I like women with big vaginas. I'm also a fan of big, fat titties.", Kenny appears on screen and mumbles his line
  7. On "Come on down to South Park town and meet some friends of mine", three pink rabbits appear on screen, Les walks past a rainbow, and the pilot begins.

Things present here but not in the official pilot

  1. From the back window of the bus Kyle yells at his brother to go home.
  2. The farmer mentions a government cover-up
  3. Mr. Garrison mentions Christopher Columbus' uterus, Kyle disses Mr. Hat, and Mr. Garrison returns the dis.
  4. The name of the nurse: Thera McSchwartz
  5. Chef's special extra-hot tamales
  6. Pip going down the slide and flying into the swing support, then going to the nurse's office.
  7. The fifth graders, and Cartman's having to eat all the tamales.
  8. Everything that happens in the nurse's office.
  9. Chef driving up to the kids in the forest to see what the kids are doing there.
  10. Chef calling out for the aliens to return and offering them a nice, juicy fat kid.
  11. Cartman's father and sister.
  12. Officer Barbrady asking the boys if they have seen a herd of cows.
  13. Kenny returns, even though his head has been removed from his body and the rats had taken it away.
  14. Ike being kicked once more, and into Cartman's house, no less.
  15. Pip at the bus stop, and Cartman stating that he will kick Pip's ass as soon as he can walk again.
  16. "God bless us, every one." has been used in the following Trey and Matt projects: Cannibal! The Musical, Timewarped (Tiny Tim), and Orgazmo (Ben Chapleski/Choda Boy --- Dian Bachar)

Things present in the official pilot but not here

  1. The anal probe, and the 80-foot satellite dish that it turns into.
  2. Chef calling out for the aliens to return and claiming that we are ready for their wisdom
  3. The three small ships that come before the mothership when they come for Cartman again.
  4. The aliens talking to the cows, with one of the aliens apologizing for his experimentation on them
  5. Officer Barbrady catching up to the cows.
  6. The radio device that causes Officer Barbrady to sing and dance like Cartman did.
  7. Cartman remembering what happened to him the night before, but as if it were a dream.
  8. Cartman with pinkeye.

Things in different positions here

  1. In the pilot, the boys walk through a doorway to the cafeteria kitchen hall, where they meet Chef. In subsequent episodes, the kitchen isn't in a hall, but in the cafeteria itself.
  2. Pip's introduction during lunch (it was moved to An Elephant Makes Love To A Pig)
  3. The kids eat their lunch out on the playground, not in the cafeteria.
  4. Wendy giving Stan her note (and the kids offering their suggestions) on the playground rather than in the cafeteria. This scene was moved to the cafeteria and joined to Stan seeing Wendy for the first time as they wait in line for lunch.
  5. Cartman farting fire in the playground rather than in class and in the cafeteria.
  6. The picture of the human skull on the wall of the nurse's office appears on the wall of the clinic in Pink Eye.
  7. When the kids wait for the aliens to return, the mothership rises behind Cartman rather than descends on him.
  8. Live cows, not carcasses all over the field with four aliens standing among them.
The closing credits start normally, but at the end, a bunch of semi-naked guys in a chorus line appears. "Braniff Airlines" is sung. The Comedy Central Logo follows, with one last fart from Cartman. The chorus line of naked guys is part of a short film called "Le Petit Package."

2009 Update

South Park Studios put the unaired pilot up on its site for a month, from August 12 to September 10, 2009. There were some minor edits, which I list below. The major one is that many of the lines were redubbed and changed here and there.
  1. The opening and closing credits have been removed.
  2. Most of the background music was removed, since it was temp music. This also explains why some of the dialog is missing in the playground scene.
  3. The farmer gets a few more lines when his cows run off: "Chingao! Bungcow! Come back!"
  4. Mr. Hat says something different when he tells Kyle to sit down. Originally it was "Well, Kyle. No!! Nono, No! I'm Mr. Hat and you're, you're a little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!" This time it's "Well, Kyle. No!! Nono, No! No you, you sit down, you little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"
  5. "Ok Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about Columbus' uterus?" is now Ok Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about direct objects?
  6. "No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? It's not gonna work." is now "Go on! Get out of here! Shoo! Go!"
  7. "Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school." is now "Holy shit! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school."
  8. Nurse McSchwartz was redubbed, as evidenced by her lines coming from the left speaker instead of from the mono original. Her sense of urgency doesn't get greater as it did in the original.
  9. "Just get him the hell away from me!" is now "Just get him the away from the oxygen tank!"
  10. After Kyle says that Cartman is linked up to the visitors, Cartman's line changes from "Ah, son of a bitch!" to "Oh, fuck!"
  11. "God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home." is now "God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Fuck you guys, I'm goin' home."
  12. Cartman's mom has a different voice here than in the original, and one line in particular was dubbed by yet another voice.
  13. "Look, can you guys just get down to business so I can go find my little brother." is now "Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother."
  14. "Come on, Stan." is now just "Stan."
  15. Cartman's line again changes from "Ah, son of a bitch!" to "Oh, fuck!" when Chef drives up to the clearing.