Joe Young / Tom Hung / Orgazmo
Ben Chapleski / Choda Boy
Clark / Jizzmaster Zero
A-Cup / Neutered Man
Candi / Lobstra
Maxxx Orbison
Dave the Lighting Guy
Jimmy the Fish
Tommy the Shark
Randy the Guppy
Elder Robert White
Homeowner, with beer and danish
Housewife, with baby
Old Lady, with attractive garden
Original Orgazmo
Bilbo, the Security Guard
DVDA Porn Actress
White Stunt Cock
Ted, the Black Stunt Cock
Porn Actor
Greek Porno Actress
Porno Film Crew
Porno Film Crew
Porno Film Crew
2nd Film Crew
2nd Film Crew
Ben's Father
Young Ben
Video Store Clerk
Young Boy
Orgazmo Woman #1
Orgazmo Woman #2/Orgazmo Old Lady
G-Fresh's Daughter
G-Fresh's Daughter
Karaoke Guy
Award Show Presenter

Special Appearances

Cop (uncredited)
Interviewer (uncredited)
Jesus (uncredited)

Trey Parker
Dian Bachar
Ron Jeremy
David Dunn
Chasey Lain
Robyn Lynne Raab (as Robyn Lynne)
Michael Dean Jacobs
Andrew Kemler (as Andrew W. Kemler)
Matt Stone
Toddy Walters
Juli Ashton
Masao Maki (as Masao 'Maki' San)
Joseph Arsenault
Jeff Schubert
Desi Singh
Stanley G. Sawicki (as Stan Sawicki)
Jacobus Rose
Susan Timlake
Louise Rapport
Ken Merckx
Kristen Anacker
Buff Grey
Cathy Fitzpatrick
Marcus Vaughn
Joseph Moore
Anna Kazuki
Yumiko Kumashiro (as Eve)
Jeffrey Bowman
The Fat Lady Stripper
Shayla LaVeaux (as Shalya Laveaux)
John Marlo
Farrell Timlake
Anthony Mindel (as Tony Mindel)
Jason McHugh (as Jason Mchugh)
Jerald A. Greenfield
Ron Hall
Robert Lansing
Thom Klohn (as T. Edwin Klohn)
Lloyd Kaufman (as Stanley L. Kauffman)
Jill Kelly
James Pierre Comète
Erin Alain
Liane Adamo
Horrac Vandegelden
Eric Stough
Miyu Natsuki
Mao Asami (as Mao Yamada)
Stephen Monas
Max Hardcore

Jeanna Fine
Davia Ardell
Jacklyn Lick
Ruby Diamond
Melissa Hill
Melissa Monet
Warren Northwood
Christi Lake (as Kristy Lake)
Peter Romero (as Peter R. Romero)
Barocca (the Brazilian Bombshell)
Chris Borkovec
Ben Patrick Johnson
Donnie Ward

Intro:[Hollywood Hills, day. The HOLLYWOOD sign is shown. Two nicely-dressed men walk south along a sidewalk, whistling cheerfully and carrying little blue books and backpacks. Their nametags indicate that they are from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One of them is called Elder Young, the other is Elder White. They approach a door. Elder White knocks, and a man opens the door to them]
White:[brightly] Hello there. My name is Robert White.
Joe:And I'm Joseph Young. [the man looks away, then takes a bite of his danish]
White:Ane we're with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Joe:Let me ask you a question: What would you say if someone offered you peace and happiness through all of eternity?
Man:[takes a sip of his beer] Fuck off! [turns away and closes the door]
White:[brightly] Thank you!
Joe:[brightly] Have a nice day! [they nod to each other and walk off]
[A room. A blonde woman on a bed moves her hand over her body slowly and tugs at her black lace bra. She moans soothingly]
Womam:Oh... Yeah baby! You make me so horny! Oh, I want it so bad! Ohhh... [she takes off her bra, and a man steps in front to hide the frontal nudity. His ass fills the screen]
Rogers:I bet you do. And I'm gonna give it to you.
Womam:[longingly] Oh, good... 'cause I'm so badly wanting it. [the man, fully naked, softly bites the air and wiggles his ass a little, then licks his fingertips and slaps his ass hard, laughs, and crawls onto the bed.]
[The next house. Elder White knocks on one of the double doors. A woman opens the door, and she's holding a baby.]
Joe:Hi. [she simply closes the door. Young straightens up] Thank you.
White:Mhm. [they turn and walk away]
[The room. The bearded man and the woman are fully engaged, face to face, him on top. He's giving it to her at 120 thrusts a minute.]
Saffi:Oh yeah, harder! Oh, yeh! Oh, give it to me, you big stud!
Rogers:[stops and looms abover her] I'm not a stud.
Saffi:[confused] Huh?
Rogers:[emphasizing] I'm not a stud! I'm- [takes off his make-up, which also reveals the rest of his body] Jizzmaster Zero! [the letter JM appear on his forehead, on a white circle, and he cackles]
Saffi:AAGH! Oh no! Help! Somebody help!
Clark:Ain't nobody gonna help you now, honey! [cackles some more]
Saffi:[whining] Will somebody save me?? [the wall behind Jizzmaster Zero begins to fall apart. A superhero bursts through it.] Orgazmo! [He's dressed in pink, with black sleeves, bright green cape, silver codpiece, black eye mask. On his chest is a black O with a silver bolt of lightning slicing through it]
Orgazmo:Unhand her, Jizzmaster Zero! [Jizzmaster Zero tursn his head just a bit]
Clark:You can't defeat me, Orgazmo!
Orgazmo:[sweeps his cape off his left shoudler] Oh yeah I can, too! I'll use my Orgazmorator! [holds it up. It sits on his right arm, a silver and white prop with a red plastic ball at its tip. He aims it at Jizzmaster Zero and makes zapping sound effects.]
Clark:AAAAAAH! Brbrbrbrbrbr. Oh, this feels good. [falls to the ground and moans in response to the continued zapping, ultimately stopping movement altogether.]
Orgazmo:Now, I will kick your ass! [begins the ass-kicking]
[Another door, another knock. Elder Young does the knocking this time. The door opens to reveal an elderly woman, nicely dressed]
Elderly Woman:Ohhh.
Joe:Hello ma'am. [looks over his shoulder, then back at the woman] My goodness, you have such an attractive little garden here.
Elderly Woman:Why thank you, young man. I just planted those flowers last week. My, how they grow!
White:[nodding] Yes ma'am. We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Elderly Woman:Oh the Mormons.
Joe:That's right. I'm, I'm Elder Young, and this is Elder White.
Elderly Woman:Well, you two boys can just fuck right off.
Young, White:Ma'am?
Elderly Woman:You heard me. Take that Book of Mormom and shove it so far up your righteous ass that you choke, you soul-soliciting pigfuckers! [satisfied with herself, she closes the door]
[The bedroom. Orgazmo and Jizzmaster Zero are at each other's throats. They break up]
Orgazmo:Eat shit! [gives Jizzmaster Zero a calculated punch in the stomach. The woman is unimpressed and rolls her eyes]
Clark:You take this! [gives Orgazmo a left upper cut, but Orgazmo blocks it.]
Orgazmo:HAAAAAH! [tries a karate chop, but Jizzmaster Zero blocks him. He howls in pain and walks off] Oooowww! I jammed my finger! Oooowww!
Director:[sitting in his chair with the film crew around him] Cut!
Orgazmo:Oooowww! I jammed my finger! [a small klieg light almost hits him, but hits the wall and falls to the ground] Oooowww! [defends himself briefly. The sparks from the light ignite a coatrack] Danger!
Orgazmo:Aaah! Aaaah!
Director:[through his bullhorn] Goddamnit, cut! [rises and walks over to his actors. The chair reads Maxxx Orbison] What the hell was that?! [Orgazmo, moaning, holds up his pinky] What is your problem Zizinsky?
Zizinsky:He blocked! He wasn't supposed to block and he broke my finger!
Maxxx:[sternly] You told me you knew how to fight. Orgazmo's supposed to be a badass!
Zizinsky:He shouldn't block me then!
Maxxx:[through his bullhorn] Get back in there and look tough, you fucking pansy!
Zizinsky:[through gritted teeth] I can't. My finger is broken.
Maxxx:[looks Zizinsky over and then grabs his genitals, making him grimace hard] You listen to me, you cocky prick! [Zizinsky bited his lips] If you ever wanna work in porno again, [Zizinsky nods] you'll do exactly what I say! [releases him and walks back to his chair] Get back to work!
[The sidewalk. The elders have left another house and walk on]
White:Hey, where are you and Lisa gonna have the wedding?
Joe:Well, 'course Lisa wants to get married in the Temple in Salt Lake City, but... it costs a lot of money. I don't think I can afford it.
White:Yeah, I know what you mean.
Joe:I don't know why the Church makes it so expensive to have a wedding there.
White:Hey, don't worry. [pats him on the right shoulder] If you really want something to happen, the heavenly Father will probably make it happen.
[The bedroom. The action resumes.from the point where Jizzmaster Zero reveals his real identity]
Clark:I'm Jizzmaster Zero!
Saffi:[bored] Oh no. Help.
Clark:No one's gonna help you now, honey!
Saffi:Somebody save me. [Zizinsky breaks through the wall. She puts a little effort in her response] Orgazmo.
Zizinsky:Unhand her, Jizzmaster Z- [a knock is heard at the front door. Zizinsky looks around] What is that?
Saffi:The front door, stupid.
Maxxx:Cut. God-damnit! Bilbo! [a beaded security guard appears] Go see who that is and KILL them for disrupting my shoot!!
Bilbo:[acknowledges] Okay. [heads for the door and opens it]
Joe:Hi. My name's Joseph Young.
White:And I'm Robert White.
Joe:We're with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Bilbo:Okay. Hold on a second. [turns to go to Maxxx]
Bilbo:Uh boss? [Maxxx glances over] Some guys from ...Jesus?
Maxxx:[disgusted] Cut off their balls! [Bilbo returns to the door]
Bilbo:[whips out a pocket knife] I've gotta cut your balls off now.
White:[looks at Young, then at Bilbo as Bilbo advances] Why? [the elders back up. The entrance suggests that the elders have arrived at a mansion]
Joe:Hehey, we can take a hint. Uh... you're not ready to change faiths right now. We respect that.
Bilbo:Haaaah! [with one punch he hits both elders across the left cheek] Come here! [White takes off, but Bilbo grabs Young]
Joe:Waitwaitwait, no! [Bilbo slams him against a pillar on one side of the entrance, then against the other pillar on the other side, then throws him down the steps. Young rises, but Bilbo comes down and kicks him across the face, lift him up by the neck, then punches him in the stomach repeatedly. White is scared and runs out of the gate.]
Maxxx:[at the door with Zizinsky] Now this is how you kick somebody's ass. [Bilbo punches Young once more in the stomach, then pounds him to the ground with one blow to the head] That oughta teach those Moonies to stay away from my house. [Bilbo picks Young up again and chokes him]
Joe:Please. I don't wanna hurt you.
Bilbo:You wanna hurt me, huh? [Young shakes his head, but Bilbo goes for a right blow to the head. Young blocks it and responds with his own left blow to Bilbo's head. It conects. Young follows up with a high kick to the head, then a spinning kick to the head, and Bilbo goes down]
Maxxx:Guards! More guards!
Joe:Uh... [looks around] Just let me get my buh, my book and go. [four guards run out of the house and surround Young] Oh? [a guard charges and Young ducks, then punches the guard to his right. He grabs the arm of the third guard and kicks the fourth guard away, then punches the third guard. The first guard tries to hit him again, but Young ducks. He kicks the second guard away. The first guard tries again, but Young blocks it, then kicks him across the face. The fourth guard returns, but Young quickly kicks him off his feet. A lull in the action follows.]
Zizinsky:[awestruck] Wow...
Joe:[to the fallen guards] Oh... Sorry.
Guard #3:You little pussy! [Young looks over. The third guard attacks, but Young easily blocks his shots, then punches him away. The first and second guards attack, but Young blocks the kick from the first guard and the punch from the second guard. The first guard tries another blow, but Young smacks him away with a backhand. The second guard prepares for an attack, but Young kicks him across the face with his left leg and sends him spinning to the ground. Guards #2 and #4 rush him, but Young sends them to the ground with clotheslines]
Joe:[looks at the fallen guards] ...Sorry ...sorry. [goes for his book]
Maxxx:Holy shit. [walks down to the driveway, then begins to clap as Young stands up] That was brilliant! You're terrific, kid! What's your name?
Joe:Look, ah, ah-I didn't mean to hurt these people, but they told-
Maxxx:Ooh noo noo noo, they had it comin' to them, the rotten bastards! Why were you trying to hurt this man?! [the guards look at Maxxx like he's crazy. Maxxx turns to Young] What is it that you wanted?
Joe:Well... ah I'm from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Sssaints.
Maxxx:Uh huh.
Joe:...And I wanna share my love of Jesus with you.
Maxxx:[entreating] Oh, why didn't you say so! Come on in! [escorts him into the house]
Maxxx:Come on!
[Inside the house. There's a break in shooting]
Joe:I say unto you, "Nay, they are many, yea, and we can witness of their sincerity, because of their love towards their brethren, and also, towards us." So you see, Jesus Christ spoke to prophets right here in the ancient Americas. [Young and Maxxx sit in the living room.]
Maxxx:[going with the flow] Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, I dig that Jesus guy.
Joe:You do?
Maxxx:Oh, sure, the kids love him. Happy Tart? [whips out a box of Happy Tarts. The box is baby blue]
Joe:Oh, thank you. [takes out a tart and bites into it. Maxxx sets the box down]
Maxxx:Listen, kid,-
Maxxx:[clears his throat] Have you ever considered acting?
Joe:Me? Oh. [clears his throat] Yeah. Actually, I majored in theater at BYU.
Maxxx:[impressed] Go on...
Joe:Yeah. Are are you making a movie here?
Maxxx:Yeah. [leans in] And I want you to take over as my leading man in my film.
Joe:Me?? [pause] Really? Well. Wow! I still have another w-w-week of, of mission work to do but... well what kind of movie is it?
Maxxx:It's an action/adventurrre porno.
Joe:[looks up] Porno? Like as in porno-graphic?
Maxxx:Well yeah, but it's not like that.
Joe:Oh. Oh, I don't do those, those kind of movies.
Maxxx:Look, kid. It's two days' work and I'll give you five thousand dollars. [Zizinsky, walking by, stops in his tracks behind Maxxx]
Zizinsky:[leans over] Hey, you were only giving me three hundred.
Maxxx:[spins around in place] How's your finger, Chuchekchesh?
Zizinsky:I think it's better. I'm ready to go. [Maxxx grabs a hold of the bandaged pinky and twists it around, making him fall to the ground] OWWW!!
Joe:[stands up quickly] Uh that, that's certainly is a lot of money, but I I'm afraid it goes against my beliefs. Thank you, very much-
Maxxx:[rises to lure him back] Looook, kid. You got me all wrong. This is not your average porno. [takes him out to the pool area] This is a very touching script. It's a poignant story about some very important issues.
Joe:About other people having... intercourse?
Maxxx:Well, this is an adult film.
Joe:Well see, I can't do that.
Maxxx:All right. Make it seven thousand dollars.
Joe:It's very nice of you to offer me so much money, but-
Maxxx:Ten thousand.
Joe:I can't. See, I have a fiancée, and if she ever-
Maxxx:I got it! We use a stunt cock. Any time there's actual penetration, we'll bring in another penis. We do it all the time. All you have to concern yourself with is the crime-fighting, and the acting.
Joe:[shifting] But see, I'd still be acting ih in a pornographic movie. That's what I-
Maxxx:Twenty thousand dollars.
Joe:'Scuse me?
Rogers:Twenty thousand dollars. Are you crazy?! [Maxxx holds his hand up to silence him]
Joe:Twenty thousand dollars for two days' work?
Maxxx:And you don't even have to fuck.
Joe:[pause. This is getting irresistible] I, I have to think about this. Can I think about this?
Maxxx:[confident in his success] Sure. We start first thing Monday morning.
Joe:Wait I I have to think about this.
Maxxx:Yeah. [pats him on the back twice] You start at ten o'clock.
Joe:[walks slowly back into the house] I'm I'm gonna think about this now. [Maxxx waves him away]
Rogers:I don't know. He doesn't seem much like the porno type to me, boss.
Maxxx:That's why he's so perfect for Orgazmo. He's so prissy, wholesome. You watch. In a coupld of weeks, I'll lmake that little momma's boy the biggest porn star in the country.
[Camera wipe to the NW corner of Hollywood and Vine, then to an apartment building. This apartment building allows Section 8 housing and month-to-month leasing, for low prices. Young sits in the bedroom of his apartment. He looks at a picture of himself and Lisa and picks up the phone receiver. The phone is a rotary phone. He calls Lisa.]
[Lisa's desk. She has a matching picture next to her phone. The phone rings, and she enters the room whistling. She sits and answers the phone]
Joe:Hi, Lise.
Lisa:[excited] Hi, honey!
Joe:How are things in Utah?
Lisa:Well it sure isn't as nice without you, that's for sure. [giggle] How are things there?
Joe:Oh, fine. I uh, I had an interesting day. I got offered a part in a movie.
Lisa:A, a movie? Like, a Hollywood movie?
Joe:Yeah. And it, and it pays a lot.
Lisa:Well Joe, that's wonderful! Is it enough so that we can get married in the Temple?
Joe:Lisa, it's twenty thousand dollars.
Lisa:[shrieks] AAAAAAAAAH!! [Young pulls the phone away from his ear in pain] Oh, why you're the best, Joe.
Joe:Well, I don't know if I'm gonna do it, Lise.
Lisa:Mm, what? Well why not?
Joe:Eh, there's some things in the movie that are... against God's way, and, and I-
Lisa:Joe, even if movies are a little... crude now and then, I think that the Lord understands that you need money for your family's future. Twenty thousand dollars would get us off to a great start.
Joe:I know it would.
Lisa:So what is it? What are you acting in?
Joe:Oh... Uh, it's a... a... a.... Death of a Salesman
Lisa:Oh! Let me guess who you're playing! You're playing Biff, right?
Joe:Biff. Yeah.
Lisa:[giggles] Oh. [a car horn is heard] Oh, Da, Daddy's here to take me to choir practice, Joe. Can I call you back later?
Joe:Sure, sure.
Lisa:Jesus and I love you, Joe.
Joe:Jesus and I love you, too, Lise.
Joe:Bye. [Lisa hangs up, then Young follows. He kneels before a small statuette of Jesus on his bedside table and begins to pray] Heavenly Father, please show me the way. I know it would be sinful to act in a movie that had sexual activity, but... Lisa is so important to me, and I need the money for our wedding and for a place to live. Please, just... give me a sign if you don't want me to do it. [the table begins to shake, as does the room. Young experiences his first earhquake. The overhead cabinets fly open and dishes and glasses come pouring out of them. The statuette topples over and loses its head. The shaking dies down] Any sign at all.
[Monday morning, Maxxx Orbison's mansion. Another week of Orgazmo to shoot. Three guards stand at the front door waiting for Young to arrive. Inside, Maxxx waits with Jizzmaster Zero and the stagehand]
Maxxx:Where is that little fucking choir boy?!
Clark:I don't think he's gonna show up.
Maxxx:Oh really? Rogers! [Rogers, the stagehand, approaches him] You and pickle-dick here go find that bastard! And you tell him, if he doesn't act in my film, his parents, his friends, his fuckin' PETS are gonna pay! You tell him, if he fucks with me he'll sss-[instant smile] well hellooo! [walks towards the front door. Young has arrived. Maxxx greets him and shakes his hand. They return to the living room]
Maxxx:We were just talking about you. How are you?
Joe:I'm... fine.
Maxxx:Super! Why don't you get into wardrobe and we'll get started right away. [the woman who was in the porno shots earlier comes out, checks out the new guy, and approaches Maxxx and Young]
Saffi:Orbison, who am I fucking in this scene?
Maxxx:Uh, you'll be fucking Jeff and probably Ben- Have you met our new Orgazmo?
Joe:Hi, how do you do?
Saffi:Hi. [cocks her head] Are we fucking? [Young doesn't know how to answer that]
Maxxx:...No. You'll be fucking his stunt cock.
Saffi:And I'm not doing any ass-licking. I told you that, right?
Maxxx:Yes, yes. No ass-licking.
Saffi:Okay. [softly as she walks away] I'm not an ass-licker. [enters a room underneath the stairs]
Maxxx:[to Young] Give 'em an inch, they take a mile. [walks away]
Joe:Oh m-, what was I thinking?? [heads back for the front door. A woman comes out of the room, sees Young, and grabs him, pulling him into the room, which is a dressing room]
Costumer:[a woman in firm control] There you are. Get in here! Come on! Just get in there and put this on! Put it on, [hands him the Orgazmo costume and leaves] and put it on now!
Joe:Oh! Uh, um. Okay, can I, uh...?
Man:Oh. So you must be the new Orgazmo.
Joe:N-no. I, I, well maybe. M, my name's Joe. [holds out his hand]
Man:[shakes his hand] Ben Chapleski [his harness has the initials CB on the chest strap. Another actress rises from her chair and walks towards a clothes rack] I play Choda Boy.
Joe:What's a Choda Boy?
Ben:I'm your sidekick.
Joe:My, my sidekick? I, I have a sidekick? What do-? [the actress takes off her top] Ah! [Young turns away and walks behind a small partition] Uh, I didn't know I had a sidekick.
Ben:He didn't even tell you the plot?
Joe:No, he didn't. He just said I'm a superhero.
Ben:Right. You're Orgazmo, and you fight crime with your Orgazmorator. And I'm your sidekick, and, I help you out with my... specially designed sex toys. [holds up a dildo and moves around a bit]
Ben:I don't think I've seen you before. Are you new in this business?
Joe:Oh. Yeah, this is my first time. I'm actually a normal person.
Ben:Hey, we're all normal people, man. Hell, I've got Ph.D.s for Physics and Engineering from MIT.
Joe:MIT? In Boston?
Ben:Naw, it's in Cambridge, actually.
Joe:...But if you have two Ph.D.s, why do you do these kind of movies?
Saffi:[strokes the back of Ben's head and walks out] See you on set, Choda Boy.
Ben:[points to the woman] That's why. See, I have what's called a... an overactive sex drive. Hey, just between you and me, I don't get a whole lot of action from women. [puts on his helmet, on which sways a dildo] They don't seem to take me very seriously.
Joe:You don't say...
Ben:[checks himself at the mirror] Yeah, but I get plenty of action here. And I love every minute of it.
Joe:But if you're such a scientific genius, don't you think Heavenly Father has something... more important planned for your life?
Ben:...What?? [strikes a few poses, then rehearses a line] Stand back, Jizzmaster Zero! [as he tries more moves, Young walks up behind him in the Orgazmo costume, now with silver shoulder pads. Ben reacts] You look good, man. Let's make some porno. [lifts up his right butt cheek and spanks it. Ben and Young leave the room and head for the set. On their way they pass a naked man shaving his pubic region. He sees them and holds up his razor and shaving cream]
Naked Man:Hey, man, you need to shave your balls?
Joe:What?? Why would I do that??
Ben:All men love to shave their balls, Joe. Makes the ol' Johnson look bigger. [shakes the can and squeezes out a dollop] Here, give it a shot.
Joe:Wha- no, I'm, I'm not, I'm using a stunt thing. [Maxxx walks up behind them, Ben leaves]
Maxxx:Oh, kid! You look fucking fabu! I see you met Choda Boy.
Maxxx:Hey, that's not the only thing that changed. I really beefed this script up. [pats him on the chest] Come on, people! Let's get shooting!
Joe:Mister, Mister Orbison?
Joe:You're not gonna put my name anywhere in this movie, are you?
Maxxx:Oh, no, kid. You'll get a stage name. Everybody does. Now, let's see. Joe Young, right?
Maxxx:Young, Young, Tongue, Bung, Hung. Hung! Tom Hung! It's perfect! You like that?
Joe:No, um...
Maxxx:Okay, people, let's go! Come on! Set things up for me! A-
[Fade to bedroom scene. Jizzmaster Zero is in bed with two women]
Maxxx:Okay, this is what we're doing. One: Ah, Candi, Saffi, and Jizzmaster Zero, we're getting busy on the bed. [Saffi nods]
Candi:[the brunette] How busy?
Maxxx:Um, both of you are doing oral on him, [Candi pats Jizzmaster Zero's belly softly] and then Two: Orgazmo and Choda Boy break through the wall. Three: Theeey fight with Jizzmaster Zero and his henchmen, and Four: you all fuck like nasty pigs. Got it?
Saffi:Nasty pigs, got it.
Joe:Whoa, whoa, Mr. Orbison, you you said I wouldn't have to have sex, remember? You said we'd use a stunt-, ...stunt-
Maxxx:Cock. A stunt cock. Yes, you get a stunt cock, but only for penetration. [Young stops him from leaving]
Joe:Penetration?? Who's gonna be penetrated?
Saffi:Penetration is when the penis enters an orifice, Joe.
Maxxx:Penetration you don't do, but you do have to get nasty with the ladies, that's the deal. [leaves]
Maxxx:Okay people, let's go! Lights on!
Lighting Guy:[turns on the camera lights] Lights are on. It's stable, Captain. WOOOHOOO! LET'S SEE SOME FUCKIN' ACTION!
Maxxx:[looks at the lighting guy] Dave?
Maxxx:Calm down.
Dave:Right. Sorry.
Maxxx:[squats next to a cameraman] You get me some nice close-ups. [the actors on set get into position] And you, [to another cameraman] give me a nice slow zoom, starting with a medium closeup on the cock, and then widening out to an establishing shot.
Cameraman:Genius. [Jizzmaster Zero and Candi runs their fingers through their hair, Saffi taps the arch of her foot in a bored manner] Roll cameras.
Maxxx:And... [into his bullhorn] We're sucking. [removes his bullhorn] Good. Sucking... [the action begins. Young and Ben are off to one side]
Joe:Oh my gosh, I don't know if I can go through with this.
Ben:Oh, sure you can. Just do what I do. [begins to twist from side to side. Young soon follows]
Dave:[to the soundman, who holds a boom mic] Aw, that's some hot shit right there! Check that out, man!
Maxxx:Goood. We're sucking. We're suck-
Dave:[getting excited] Yeah. SUCK THAT COCK! [all action stops]
Maxxx:Damnit Dave! Keep your mouth shut!
Dave:Sorry, sorry dude, got a little excited.
Maxxx:[through his bullhorn] Cue Orgazmo and Choda Boy! [Young and Ben burst through a wall]
The Ladies:Orgazmo!
Ben:And Choda Boy!
Clark:You can't defeat me, Orgazmo! [Young doesn't know what to do or say. Zero tries to elicit a response] You can't defeat me, Orgazmo. [Young just stands there, his jaw hanging low]
Maxxx:That's your line, Hung. [into his bullhorn] Hey! That's your line, Hung! [Ben nudges him]
Joe:Yeah, yeah I can, too! I'll use my Orgazmorator! [makes the sound of a kitten while zapping] Meowr.
Clark:No, not that! [thrashes about and makes sounds] That feels good. [falls back on the bed and stops moving]
Ben:Nice shot! [two henchmen pop through a door in nothing but briefs]
Henchman 1:[to his partner] They hurt our evil boss, Jizzmaster Zero! [to Orgazmo and Choda Boy] Now you're gonna get some! [strikes at Orgazmo with the right hand, but Orgazmo blocks it. He tries with the left hand, but Orgazmo blocks that one, too. Orgazmo gives him a kick across the face and he goes down. The second henchman attacks and Orgazmo steps aside. Choda Boy grabs the henchman's right fist and twists it so the fist is now behind the henchman's back. Choda Boy whips out a hand prop]
Ben:Need a hand? [smacks the henchman across the face with the prop and knocks him down]
Joe:That's "handy work." Now lock him up, Choda Boy. [Choda Boy cuffs the henchman with some handcuffs] Are you okay, ladies?
Saffi:We're fine, thanks to you, Orgazmo.
Candi:And Choda Boy. Now it's time for us to repay you.
Saffi:Yeah, come on, boys. Let's get it on. [they crawl towards the superheros. The blonde takes Orgazmo, the brunette takes Choda Boy. Choda Boy goes along, but Orgazmo has to be prodded by Maxxx]
Joe:Yes sir. [gives the blonde a quick kiss on the lips]
Maxxx:Not like that. This is supposed to be erotic. Use your tongue, for Christ's sake!
Joe:How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
Maxxx:[into his bullhorn] Do you want your money or not, Hung?! [Orgazmo sticks out his tongue so it looks fat, and the blonde takes him down to the bed. She then kisses him on the chin, the chest, the lightning bolt, the sternum, and on down to the codpiece, which she lifts] Aaand cut. Stunt cock!
Dave:Stunt cock!!!
An aide:Stunt cock!
Stunt Cock:[walks in] Hey, how are you doin'? [walks up to Young] Hey, how are you doin'? [walks up to the ladies] Hey, how are you doin'? [the scene resumes with the stunt cock]
Joe:[walks off the set] I can't believe I'm doing this.
Dave:[approaches him] Hey. You know, you did a good job in there, man.
Joe:Thank you.
Dave:Did you ever see that movie, um, Clash of the Titans?
Joe:Oh wait, the Greek mythology play. Yeah, I've seen it.
Dave:Yeah, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kickass! [walks back and starts taking still shots. Young walks off.]
[On a couch. Young reads from the Book of Mormon. An older lady with cigarette sits next to him and notices him reading.]
Older Lady:What's that?
Joe:Oh, uh, this is the Book of Mormon. It's another testament of Jesus Christ.
Older Lady:Oh. Is it any good? [Young looks up and brightens. Maybe she could be a convert?]
Maxxx:Okay, people, let's go. Action! [the stunt cock and the blonde, now both naked, begin to go at it]
Saffi:Oh Whoopeee! Aw yeah...
Joe:"For the time is at hand that all men shall reap a reward of their works" Eheheh, see, when the Mormons arrived in Missouri, they needed to find jobs. But no one would hire them-
Older Lady:They should have done double anal.
Joe:Excuse me?
Older Lady:Ah, you get to be my age, you gotta do double anal or no one'll hire ya.
Joe:Right. Um, see, people wouldn't hire the Mormons because of their beliefs.
Older Lady:Now, I'm the only one in town who'll do double anal and double vaginal at the same time. You know, DVDA. [Young is getting queasy about this line of discussion] Well, it's how I still manage to get work.
Joe:I see, um... I don't I don't think you quite understand what I'm-
Older Lady:I?? Don't understand?? Hey look, pal, you try havin' four dicks in ya at one time.
Joe:No thank you!
Dave:[off camera] Hey lady! [she turns to see who's addressing her] We're ready for the DVDA shot! [she acknowledges, takes one more puff, and turns to Young]
Older Lady:Nice talkin' to ya, kid. [crushes the cigarette and heads for the set, a yellow bedroom. She stands before a small bed] Okay, let's do it! [four men approach her and drops their drawers, then move on to the bed]
Maxxx:And action! [Dave gets into his open-mouthed position. Young reaches the set and covers his mouth, then quickly turns away]
Ben:[arrives with a burgundy box of Happy Tarts] How's it goin' ace? [looks at the set] Oh! DVDA shot, huh?
Joe:I think I'm gonna be sick.
Ben:Yeah, she's good. [munches on his happy tart] Hey, do you wanna get some sushi tonight? [Young looks at him, bends over and throws up]
[G-Fresh Sushi, night. Rap music is playing. The sushi place is a bit busy. Four people sit at the bar - Ben, Young, and the two actresses in their shots]
Ben:So what do you think of your first day of porno, Joe? [Young sits there, stunned] Joe?
Joe:[slowly turns to Ben, then answers] I'm a bad, bad Mormon.
G-Fresh:[a gaunt Japanese man wearing a giant dollar sign on a chain] Yo yo yo, what's up homies.
Ben:How's it going, G-Fresh?
G-Fresh:Oh, jussst kickin' it. You know what I'm saying, G. Ohhh yeah. G-Fresh in the motherfucking house.
Ben:Hey G-Fresh, I want you to meet Orgazmo.
Joe:[freezes and turns stiffly to Ben] I'm not Orgazmo! [looks around at the rest of the bar, then to Ben, softly] I don't want anyone to know. [turns to G-Fresh] M, my name is Joe, Joe Young. How do yo do? [holds out his hand]
G-Fresh:Oh, jussst kickin' it. [smacks him a five] The dough prime and the smooth out ourum bitches. You know what I'm saying.
Joe:No... [Three henchmen enter the bar]
Jimmy:How are you doin', G-Fresh?
G-Fresh:You! Get your punk asses out of my sushi bar!
Tommy:Oh, we'll get our punk asses outta your fish bar... just as soon as you sign this little piece of paper. [the main henchman holds up a contract]
G-Fresh:[now in front of the bar, before Young and Ben] I told you I ain't gonna sign! I ain't gonna givin' up myyy place!
Ben:Who are these guys?
G-Fresh:These are the Gs I've been telling you about from next door. [the main henchman puts away the contract] They are trying to buy out myyy restaurant so they can make their dance club bigger! But, homie don't play that!
Ben:Why don't you guys get lost, huh?
Tommy:Keep your mouth shut, Tiny Tim!
Joe:Hey, whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa I ahhh I think we all need to calm down a little bit here.
Jimmy:Oh, gee, that man's right. We're real sorry. We'll leave Mr. Fresh alone.
Tommy:Oh, yeah. Please excuse the mix-up, please. [proceeds to wipe the items off a low shelf]
G-Fresh:Wow! [Jimmy wipes a table clear of its contents and the diners begin to leave] Aaaaagh! [Tommy walks behind the bar and smashes the sneezeguard windows in]
Jimmy:[holds a ceramic cat and drops it] Whooops. [picks up another one. Randy takes a toothpick and snaps it in two]
Ben, Young, Ladies:Ooooo! [Randy snaps another one. Jimmy eyes a singer and smashes his equipment] Awww.
Jimmy:You'd better make up your mind real quick, Fresh, because our boss isn't gonna give you such a good deal next time. [the henchmen walk out as G-Fresh makes a gesture at them with his arms]
Joe:Oh, sh shouldn't we call the police or something? [Ben and the ladies laugh at him]
Saffi:Joe, the police can't help. Geez, where are you from? Iowa or something? [giggling]
Joe:No, Utah. [the ladies fall silent]
Saffi:Oh... I'm sorry. [the singer gathers his equipment and starts singing again]
[The Red Room, day, Orbison's mansion. Choda Boy is ass-ramming a buxom blonde while she sits on Orgazmo's cock. Orgazmo just lays there, not moving, not getting involved in the action]
Georgi:Yeah. Oh, Oh so good! So good! Oh! Do you like it? Do you like it?? Ring the bell! Ring the bell!
Ben:Ring the bell! Ding ding dong ding ding!
Georgi:[joins him in the ringing] ... ding ding! You... [the music stops and the action stops] line?
Maxxx:[through his bullhorn] You guys got me so horny!
Georgi:Oh yeah. [resumes "ringing the bell"] You guys got me so horny! Woohoo! [Orgazmo is still limp]
Maxxx:[through his bullhorn] Come on, Hung. You gotta at least look like you're enjoying this. Rub her breasts or something. Come on. Come on, Hung.
Joe:Do I have to?
Ben:Don't worry, dude. They're not real. [Young lifts his left hand to the blonde's right breast and a horn blast is heard]
Georgi:Ahhh! [action resumes]
Dave:Yeah, there you go, buddy! Get some! [snaps a picture. On set, a door opens and two henchmen rush in with semiautomatic weapons drawn. Choda Boy quickly hops off the blonde and she gets off Orgazmo]
Henchman 1:We're onto you, Orgazno!
Henchman 2:Yeah. Your days of superherodom are over!
Joe:[now up and ready for battle] Not so fast, guys! My Orgazmorator should take care of you! [he zaps them both and they drop their weapons] Your turn, Choda Boy.
Ben:Rrright! My blue harpoon thang should do the trick! [he presses a trigger and the harpoon launches, wrapping itself around the two henchmen several times]
Joe:Looks like they're all tied up at the moment. Bon soir! [punches them out with a single blow. The men collapse onto the floor. Orgazmo turns to Choda Boy] That was... too easy. [Orgazmo and Choda Boy give each other thumbs up]
Georgi:Great job, guys. [plants a gold stiletto on the bed] Now, how about we go REALLY nasty. [now with both feet on the bed, she begins taking off her top. Dave's jaw drops. Her shoes buckle under her and she falls backwards onto the bed, doing a backflip onto the floor and almost another one there.]
Joe:Oh... [goes to see if the blonde is okay]
Ben:Dude! She's dead!
[A small mansion, night. This is Chapleski's house. He pulls into the driveway]
Ben:I'm glad you could come over for dinner, Joe. I'm really excited to show you my laboratory where I design things. I think you might find one thing in particular very interesting.
Joe:Did you say something?
Ben:Nah, I was just thinkin'. Come on in. [they exit the car and enter the house. Ben has his mail, Young looks around the living room, impressed]
Joe:Goodness gee. Is this all yours?
Ben:Yeah. Bought and paid for, with all the patents I have. See, when I'm not doin' the flicks, I invent stuff. I'm makin' some serious cash from it.
Joe:Oh, what's this here? [points to a small altar Ben had set up a long time ago]
Ben:I guess I never told you.
Joe:Told me what?
Ben:[long pause, then a sigh] See, when I was a kid, I learned a lot of different kung-fu styles. One style's the hamster. [a wooden panel with a hamster cutout attached to it is shown]
Joe:Hamster style-I don't think I've seen you do hamster.
Ben:[shakes his head] No. Well, I vowed to my father I would never use hamster-style again.
Joe:Why? What happened?
Ben:I don't like to talk about it.
Joe:Well, maybe it would help you to talk about it. You know, get it out.
Ben:I don't know if I can.
Joe:Well what are you running from, man?
Ben:I don't know. I guess maybe I'm just runnin' from myself. [Young nods in understanding] I mean, it happened several years ago, but I can remember it like it was just yeasterday. [camera fades to a childhood scene. Ben pauses from eating some cereal]
Young Ben:Hey Dad?
Dad:[reading the Metropolitan News] Mhm?
Young Ben:I don't think I'm going to do hamster-style anymore.
Dad:That's nice. [Ben resumes eating his cereal. Camera fades back to the present. Ben is misty-eyed]
Ben:And that's the way it went down, man. [whispers] Shit. [normal] I can still smell that newspaper. You know, it does. It does feel better to get it out. [a sigh of relief, and then he walks away] Come on, I wanna show you something. [Young just looks around some more]
[Ben's basement. A lot of electronics is down there. Ben leads Young into the basement via spiral stairway]
Ben:By the time I finally got this ol' momma to work, I had a lot of parts. The sucker got pretty heavy. I could barely even lift it now.
Joe:What is it?
Ben:It's the Orgazmorator. I made it work.
Joe:Golly, it's huge.
Ben:Yeah. I could probably make a compact version, but then I'd have to use cold fusion instead of the fission devices inside of it now. But then, if I could figure out cold fusion, I'd be a millionaire! [begins to laugh. Young soon laughs with him, and they continue laughing off each other. Ben then stops. Young does as well] Want to give it a shot?
Ben:Here. [rips the right sleeve off Young's shirt]
Ben:[positions Young's arm to line up with the Orgazmorator] Stick your arm in this thing here. [shoves Young's arm in] Grab hold of the handle and it should power up. [Young grabs the handle, buried inside the Orgazmorator, and four little flanges snap into place. The machine's thrust surprises Young, who struggles to master it as he stumbles backwards]
Joe:Whoa, whoa whoa, whoa!
Ben:Calm down, dude! Calm down, it's okay. It's just powering up. It's okay. You can actually hold that thing, huh?
Joe:It's... [flexes his arm a few times] not that heavy.
Ben:That's sweet.
Joe:So now what?
Ben:So now, I mean, it's... you know, I mean, it's like a gun. I mean, you feel a little trigger on the handle there?
Joe:This one? [fires off a beam of energy at Ben. Ben gets a surge of sexual energy and convulses]
Ben:Oh! Oh! Oh! [bends over]
Joe:Oh my gosh, are you okay??
Ben:[manages to stand up, but not fully] Whew, huh! [Young waits for an answer] Phwew. Thanks, man.
Joe:Awww, you're puttin' me on.
Ben:[still out of breath] No. I told you it works. Go ahead. Shoot yourself. [walks into a bathroom at one end of the basement]
Joe:No, I... couldn't.
Ben:Go on, give yourself a treat! Just shoot yourself in the foot or something. I gotta get cleaned off.
Joe:[shoots himself on the foot, but the energy flows up to his groin. He grimaces, then falls over] Wah! Wawah! Wah!
Ben:I told ya! [Young, sitting on the floor, still shivers from the experience. Ben looks out from the bathroom, then walks towards Young] I told ya it works! [opens his arms wide] Do me again!
Joe:This is incredible.
Ben:[turns around and shows his covered ass to Young] Come on! Do me again. [Young gives him another blast, and Ben doubles over again, ending up on the floor]
Joe:[stands up] Amazing. And you made this thing, huh?
Ben:[stands up] Whooh, yeah. Hahhh, sure beats jerkin', huh? Gettin' your arm all tired?
Joe:[still marveling at the Orgazmorator] Wow. Heavenly Father has really given you a gift for science.
Ben:Yeah, whatever. [thinks] Hey, can you walk around with that thing on?
Joe:I think so. Why?
Ben:[with a devilish grin] Wanna go have some fun?
[Outside, night. Ben and Young are out testing the Orgazmorator. Ben peeks around a corner, then motions Young to do so, too. Two ladies walk towards them unawares. Young looks around, then aims the Orgazmorator at them and fires. Both of them react as if having been sexually aroused. They moan and groan as Ben smiles with glee and Young just stands there with his mouth open. The women collapse on the sidewalk as a man walks towards them sipping from a cup. He has no idea why they fell in front of him. They continue moaning. Next test: Ben and Young chat on the sidewalk as two rabbis walk by. Young fires at them and they collapse in blissful arousal. Ben is thrilled at the efficacy of his invention. Third test: Ben and Young peek out from behind a tree. They see two men talking. One of them is Dave. Young fires at Dave, who bends over and tries to keep his penis down, then resumes chatting with the other man. Fourth test: Ben and Young pop up from behind a trash can and spot an old woman with a walker. Young fires at her, and she begins to rock back and forth on the walker. Fifth test: Ben and Young spot a police officer making an arrest]
Police Officer:Get up against the wall. Spread your legs. [the suspect spreads his legs, but drops one of the arms from the wall] Keep your arm up there! [the officer puts the suspect's arm up against the wall again. Young fires] You have the right- [the officer is struck and he immediately dry-humps the suspect, then massages him, moaning all the while. Ben is pleased, Young is still stunned. The officer grabs the suspect's ass, turns him around, and French-kisses him. He comes to his senses and is disgusted. Ben is laughing his ass off. The old woman is now straddling her walker and masturbating on its beams, then moves her right leg back to the normal position and resumes walking down the street.]
[Maxxx Orbison's mansion, day. Maxxx takes Young to a new set.]
Maxxx:All right, gigolo, this is the last scene of the day. Are you okay? [sits him down on a bed]
Joe:No... [his codpiece now has a fig leaf attached]
Maxxx:Good. This is the scene where the evil Keena Rexis whisks you back in time to the Garden of Eden. [Young looks around] Nice, huh? [stops Young from looking around] Look at me. It's just you and T Rex in this scene, so we're gonna need a lot of hot action before we bring in your stunt cock. All right? Go ahead, lay down. [Young lays down on the bed, Maxxx goes back to his chair]
Joe:...Why do they call her T-Rex? [the house begins to shake and some footsteps are heard. Maxxx smirks, and in enters a massive woman with rolls of fat]
T-Rex:Hi fellas, I'm ready to fuck.
Joe:Oh my gosh!
T-Rex:You want me on top?
Joe:[sits up] No! No. Ah, I'll be on top.
T-Rex:You're gonna make my come, or I'm gonna kick your butt. [places her hand over Young's sternum and pushes him back down onto the bed.]
T-Rex:Come on! [the bed immediately collapses] Ungh! Oogh! Come on now! Ah! Oh, baby! [bounces Young's torso on the bed] Oh, you make me so hot now! Come on!
Maxxx:Oh, that's great.
T-Rex:Oh, you make me so hot!! Anh, come on! Fudge me now! Fudge me now! Come on! Come on! [Young falls asleep and dreams of a yard on which he and Lisa are running playfully, holding hands. "Clementine" plays during the scenes. Next scene is him telling a joke to Lisa by the fireplace. They laugh. Third scene: choir. He and Lisa stand side by side, singing away. Fourth scene: He and Lisa roll around in the yard. She ends up on top of him and they talk a bit. Then he remembers where he is] Oohh, come on, lover! Baby!
Dave:[to Ben] Damn, dude, that's some hot shit right there. [Ben looks on with concern and disgust, wondering just how much punishment Young will take. Dave takes a few shots and Ben just looks at him.]
T-Rex:Ooooo, come on now! Come on now!
[A shot of the front of the house, with Bilbo guarding. Moments later]
Dave:Hey! Can I get everyone together for a few photos?
Joe:Photos.. photos for what? [members of the Orgazmo cast gather around him: the blonde, Choda Boy, Georgi, and Rogers]
Dave:Just some stills for publicity. [the cast members pose] You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I'm really gonna miss you guys when the show is over.
Joe:Ben, do you think people will see this video in Utah?
Ben:I wouldn't worry about it, dude. Some of these movies we've made every month, no one is even gonna notice.
Dave:Say... Geddy Lee.
Joe:Who's Geddy Lee?
Dave:Geddy Lee! Best bass player ever! Come on!
Cast:Geddy Lee. [more still photos follow]
[Marketing Orgazmo. First scene: Orgazmo VHS tapes being sealed in the factory, then send through a heater on a conveyor belt for shrink-wrapping. The tapes drop down into a box. Next scene: the cover of Adult Video News Magazine, then the cover of Dirty Magazine, then the cover of Throttle Magazine. Next scene: Orgazmo is playing in a small theater. The next scene shows more VHS tapes rolling out. Next scene shows more people attending the movie. Next: the cover of QG Magazine. Lastly, Young is shown in his apartment calling someone]
Joe:Mr. Orbison, it's Joe Young.
Maxxx:Oh Hung! Joe Hung, how are you?
Joe:I wa- I actually haven't received my money yet, and I was wonderi-
Maxxx:Of course, Joe. Your money, you know, I was just over at the accounting department, and I think they were putting the checks through the big check processor. [another shot of the Orgazmo VHS being packaged, then a shot of the cover of Time Magazine. Next shot: a large crowd now stands before the only theater in town showing Orgazmo, and the moviegoers are eager to watch it]
Joe:No. I I got my mail today and and it's not there.
Maxxx:Those diry bastards!
Joe:Well I, I need to get it before I can go home, see? I-
Maxxx:I'll have that fuckin' postman for lunch! You know, I put that thing in the mail three times now, Young!
Male Host:["Entertainment Awright"] An exclusive look at the story behind the crossover success of the decade. [next is a shot of the 10-inch Orgazmo figurine - with kung-fu grip]
A Boy:[moving the Orgazmo figurine] Stand back, Jizzmaster Zero! [moves the Jizzmaster Zero figurine] You can't get me, Orgazmo! [moves the Orgazmo figurine] I'll get you with my... Orgazmorator! Eeeep. Bwaaa- [has the Jizzmaster Zero fall down]
Male Host:["Entertainment Awright"] How does a movie about a sex superhero become a box-office smash? [next scene is Orgazmo playing with ET and Citizen Kane at the Los Feliz theater]
AVN Award Host:[holding an envelope] This year's John Holmes award goes to- [hands it to his co-host]
AVN Award Hostess:Tom Hung for Orgazmo! [Young is thrust upon the stage and he stops at the podium. The host presents the award to him, a statuette striking a pose and with a large erection protruding from the groin]
Joe:[holding the statuette] Hello...? [Next shot shows Maxxx reading Variety, checking out the weekend's movie results. The section he reads is the Highest-Grossing Films of All Time. He reads the list and laughs. Orgazmo is the third-highest grossing movie now, but he reads from the bottom up. He finally reaches the top spots and his jaw drops.]
Maxxx:Holy shit!
Male Host:["Entertainment Awright"] What's the difference between Orgazmo and your previous porn titles, like Jim Bird 6?
Maxxx:I really think history will describe Orgazmo better than I possibly could. [Next shot is of Daily Variety with the top story being "Maxxx Orbison to throw 'Orgazmo' success party!"]
[Maxxx Orbison's mansion, day. Cars pull in and their occupants exit. Balloons adorn the fountain.]
[Poolside. A naked mariachi singer starts to sing]
Singer: Mi verga es chiquita y muy fea
Y todo el mundo lo sabe
Ojala que yo tuviera una verga moy grande
[the camera pulls back to reveal a five-member mariachi band. Then the party scene is shown. A woman carries three flavors of Happy Tarts on a tray. The boxes are yellow, cyan, and magenta]
para presumirla

La verga del perro es muy linda...

Georgi:[Ben walks by] Hi Ben.
Ben:Hey Georgi. [checks her out. She's showing off her chest] God-damn! Did your breasts get bigger??
Georgi:Yeah, I uh I upgraded. [picks up a small pig-in-a-blanket] My doctor says now I have silicone in my body to kill a small elephant. Isn't that cool? [She bites the little hot dog off the toothpick it was on. Ben takes a sip of his martini and catches Young as he walks by.]
Ben:Hey Orgazmo! [Georgi begins to react badly to the pig-in-a-blanket]
Joe:I'm not Orgazmo. [Georgi turns away and spits the hot dog out] My name is Joe, okay? It's not Orgazmo.
Ben:Man, you should be psyched to be Orgazmo. Especially today, I mean... Look at this party. [a shot of a woman wearing a smiley bikini - an eye on each bra cup and a smile on the front of the pamties] Everybody in the business is here today!
Joe:I don't know any of these people. I just came to get the rest of my money and go. [some fans recognize Choda Boy and swarm him. Young goes to find Maxxx.]
Someone:Well my ass is actually shaped like a pear. [Young runs into Dave.]
Dave:Hey! Orgazmo!
Joe:I'm not Orgazmo, okay?
Joe:Have you seen Mr. Orbison?
Dave:Oh, yeah. I think he's over there someplace or something. [Young moves, but Dave stops him] Hey, what do you think of this band?
Joe:Um, fine.
Dave:Yeah. I think they kind of sound like Depeche Mode.
Singer:Mi verga es chiquita y fea
Y todos se encuentran de acuerdo...
Dave:You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band.
Joe:That's nice.
Singer:Ojala que yo tuviera una verga...
[G-Fresh Sushi, day. G-Fresh is cleaning up around the restaurant, getting ready for the day]
G-Fresh:Oh yeah oh yeah. You know my homie got the bitches and the cheap boca cheap. Got my jimmy on your tosset and the rhyme of feelin' ill. [the door opens and the henchmen return] Oh sorry. We are not open yet.
Jimmy:[cracks his knuckles and grins] Oh that's okay. We're not hungry anyway.
G-Fresh:[weilding a ceramic cat] You get outta here! [Randy restrains him]
Tommy:Regarding the contract, our boss told us to make you a better offer.
Jimmy:Now, here's the pen. Here's the contract.
G-Fresh:Bitch! [spits on the contract] You gonna get popped! If you keep ridin' me!
Tommy:Oops. Wrong answer, homie! [whacks G-Fresh's right leg with a bat]
[The success party. Young has found Maxxx]
Maxxx:Hey Hung, just the man I wanted to talk to!
Joe:I actually just came by to collect the rest of my money?
Maxxx:[checks his pockets] Oh yeah, sure, sure. [fishes an envelope out of his front left pants pocket] Here, here. Hey listen. Joe. That is a lot of money. That's nothing for a man of your talent.
[G-Fresh Sushi. Tommy continues attacking G-Fresh. Jimmy is imopressed with the beating, and Tommy stops]
Tommy:Heheh. How do you like that, G?!
G-Fresh:[soothes his left cheek and finds it bleeding] Oh, you dirty bastard! [Randy pulls him up from behind, and G-Fresh looks back] You better check yourself before you wreck wreck wreck yoruself. [the other two henchmen rush in and hold him]
Jimmy:One! Two! [all three throw G-Fresh into a wall. G-Fresh crashes through a table on his way down]
G-Fresh:[weakly, in pain] Oh, that hurts.
Jimmy:Are you gonna sign the papers?
G-Fresh:Your momma!
Jimmy:Are you gonna sign the papers?!
G-Fresh:Your momma!! [Jimmy and one of the other men pull him up and place him against his sushi bat] Oh no no, not the glass. I just replaced it. [the men drive his head into the glass, shattering it and the frame] Oooohhhh! Oh, that hurt so bahahad!
[The success party. Young and Maxxx still talk]
Joe:A sequel! You wanna do a sequel.
Maxxx:Shhhh! [in hushed tones] With the success of this thing, how could I not wanna make a sequel? Look, Joe, I know how crucial you are to Orgazmo's popularity. That's why... I'm doubling your salary. Forty... thousand... dollars.
Joe:Oh boy.
[G-Fresh Sushi. The beating continues. The henchmen toss G-Fresh against the wall again, then they press his head down against the bar so he can only see the contract]
Jimmy:Sign the paper!
G-Fresh:Ohohoh. Okay, okay. I will sign it.
Jimmy:Yeah, I know you'd see it our way. Sign it! [G-Fresh signs the contract and then passes out]
[The success party. The mariachi band ends its song and bows to the partygoers. They clap appreciatively]
Maxxx:[approaches the mariachi band and announces it off] Thank you Los Naked Mariachis. People, I have a very important announcement to make! In three days, we will begin principal photography on Orgazmo 2. [everyone claps and hollers]
[Young's apartment. He's asleep, and the phone rings. He answers. Lisa is at the other end]
Lisa:Hi honey!
Joe:[quickly rises from bed] Oh, Lisa!. Oh, hi.
Lisa:How are you?
Joe:[rubs his right eye] Oh I, I'm fine. Uhhh. Uh oh I, I have some news.
Lisa:Good or bad?
Joe:Well, good and bad, I guess. Uh, they want me to do a sequel.
Lisa:A sequel?
Lisa:To Death of a Salesman? [Young stays silent] What? Wait, doesn't he die at the end of the first one?
Joe:Um... Yes. Yes, he does. But, but he has a twin brother, who, who wants revenge now.
Lisa:Revenge? But, he kills himself, didn't he?
Joe:[begins to stammer] Nooo. Nooo. That, that's just what you were led to believe. He was killed by the CIA for selling smack... to... Nazis.
Lisa:[giggles] Wow! All this time I thought Death of a Salesman was boring.
Joe:But Lisa, they're giving me forty thousand dollars this time. [quickly turns the phone away, knowing she'll squeal into his ear. She squeals]
Lisa:Oh, you're the best, Joe! Oh poopie! Forty thousand dollars. We can almost buy a house.
Joe:I know. And that's why I ...agreed to do it.
Lisa:Oh... [a car horn is heard] Oh, I I I have to go, Joe. Daddy's here to pick me up-
Joe:For choir practice, I know. Ummm, I'll I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
Lisa:Okay. Jesus and I love you, Joe.
Joe:Jesus and I love you, too, cupcake. Byebye. [she giggles and hangs up. He hangs up, too. He pulls up a Time Magazine with a new cover: THE SEQUEL OF THE DECADE, with Orgazmo and Choda Boy on the cover]
[Orbison's mansion, day. Young is reading from the new Orgazmo 2 script]
An Actor:Hey! You're Orgazmo, aren't you?
Joe:No. I mean, yes. [offers his right hand] My name's Joe. I play a character named Orgazmo.
An Actor:Listen, don't get fancy with me, kid, or I'll- [shows him a high spinning kick]
Joe:Now wait a min-
An Actor:Kiaaaa! [performs a few moves and ends with a challenging pose towards Young] You're not the bad boy around here anymore. The name is A-Cup; I play Neutered Man.
Joe:[checks his script] Neutered Man?
A-Cup:Orgazmo's new arch-enemy! Don't you get it? Neutered Man! He had no balls! Orgazmo's little ray won't work on him!
Joe:[still leafing through the script] Or, Orgazmo beats him, right?
Joe:Well Orgazmo will find a way
Joe:I don't know.
A-Cup:Read the script, duder! Orgazmo doesn't find a way! Neutered Man escapes! [Young looks at the script again] You know, it's funny. You look a lot tougher on the screen. [striks another pose] Kiaaaa! [steps into another pose] Ohyoooohhhh. [relaxes and walks away] Maybe I'll show you some real moves sometime. Asshole. [walks away and spanks his own ass. A few seconds later Ben shows up with his script.]
Ben:Hey, whattaya think, Ace?
Joe:I don't like it. It doesn't have the spirit of the first one.
Maxxx:And action.
A-Cup:[does a weird walk around the bed and makes a weird sound, then] Now that I have you at the Parthenon, I will sacrifice you to the god of lust. [leaves. The set is a circular bed with two Greek nymphs at the Parthenon headboard, one on each side.]
Nymph #1:You're so evil, Neutered Man!
Nymph #2:If Orgazmo was here, he wouldn't let you do this to us.
A-Cup:[with something of a pirate accent] I'm not afraid of Orgazmo!
Joe:[rises up behind the headboard] Did someone say my name?
The Nymphs:Orgazmo!
Choda Boy:[pops up] And Choda Boy!
Joe:[walks to the side of the bed with Choda Boy] Let them go, Neutered Man!
A-Cup:Never! I'll kill you first!
Joe:[firing his Orgazmorator] Meowr. [Neutered Man feels nothing, so he remains standing] Meowr meowr. Meowr! [notices his Orgazmorator is powerless]
A-Cup:[cackles ominously] Your little ray has no effect on MEEEE, Orgazmo! [bounds away, leaving the other nymph available for rescue]
Ben:Why doesn't your Orgazmo ray work on him, Orgazmo?
Joe:I don't know, Choda Boy. It's all Greek to me. [Dave likes that particular pun so much he ]
Nymph #2:Orgazmo, you saved us.
Nymph #1:How can we ever repay you?
Ben:I have an idea. [licks his fingertips, spanks himself, and hops onto the bed. Nymph #1 jumps on top of him and they start making out. Young and Nymph #2 follow suit]
Maxxx:Cut. Stunt cock.
Cameraman:Stunt cock.
Rogers:Stunt cock. [a black Orgazmo enters the scene and takes over for Young. He spanks his ass weakly and goes to the set. Young notices this is an Orgazmo of a different color. Maxxx notices too]
Nymph #2:Mmm Orgazmo...
Maxxx:[softly] Rogers?
Rogers:Yeah boss.
Maxxx:...Who is that?
Rogers:[looks over at the new guy for a moment] Oh, that's Ted, the new stunt cock guy. [goes back to reading]
Maxxx:...And you don't see a problem with this?
Rogers:[looks up again] Nnnnnnnnnnope.
Maxxx:[stays silent for a long time, not knowing what to think, then] All right, fuck it.
Dave:[walks up to Young] Hey, is that a new costume, Joe?
Joe:No, I think it's the same one we've always used.
Dave:Oh. You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you've got a really nice ass. [leans back to check it out again, then nods]
Joe:Uh... Thanks?
Dave:Sure, dude. [instinctively spanks Young. Young looks at him]
[G-Fresh Sushi, night. G-Fresh is once again cleaning up his restaurant. His left arm is in a sling. His workers are installing new glass panes into the bar. Ben and Young enter and see the damage]
Ben:What the hell? G-Fresh, what happened to you, man? How'd you get that scratch?
G-Fresh:Oh, I'm sorry, Gs. I'm closing down. I have to be out in two weeks.
Joe:What? Why?
G-Fresh:Well the punks from next door got me angry.
Ben:You signed the papers?
G-Fresh:Well they came in the other day, and just whupped my sorry black ass. Oh...
Joe:Did you call the police? [Ben and G-Fresh look at him like he's crazy]
G-Fresh:I make you guys last sushi for half price.
Ben:Um.. just give me tuna, salmon, shrimp. [G-Fresh goes to the karaoke machine and begins moaning into the mic. Ben notices] We've got to help him, Joe.
Joe:[looks over his shoulder at G-Fresh and smiles weakly] Oh, right. What are we gonna do against a gang of thugs?
Ben:Well look, you and I are both great martial artists, right? I mean, we're pretty good. And I'm willing to bet that between the two of us we can take these guys.
Joe:Those guys probably have guns, Ben. Martial arts don't stop guns.
Waitress:[serves them their meals] Ma do itashimashita. Hai, douzo. ["My pleasure. Here, please." Someone goes to adjust G-Fresh's mic and Ben looks on with deep concern]
Joe:[looks around] Where?
Ben:Joe! I just got the most amazing idea ever. The Orgazmorator, Joe! You can use the Orgazmorator as a weapon! You can stun anybody who has a gun, take 'em out of commission! And we kick their asses.
Joe:Are you nuts?? That... that won't work!
Ben:Why not?!
Joe:Well ...Even if we succeded, those guys would come after us eventually.
Ben:We can use disguises. We can cover ourselves up so nobody can recognize us.
Joe:That won't work!
Ben:Why not??
Joe:Because it won't, gosh darnit! [looks at G-Fresh and is visibly moved by his lament]
Ben:[quietly] Let me tell you something, Joe. There's nothing sadder than a sad Japanese man.
Joe:Boy, I'll say. [a woman tries to get G-Fresh to stop singing]
Ben:So what do you say, pal?
Joe:[thinks a moment] We can wear disguises?
[The dance club next door. A bouncer checks the guests as they enter. The camera pans across the line of people waiting to go in and stops on Joe, who's dressed in leather and weilding the Orgazmorator Ben made. Ben wears his Choda Boy belt with all the gadgets hanging from it.]
Joe:We look ridiculous.
Ben:Dude, listen, it's the way people in this club dress, awright? We've got to fit in. Here, put this shit on. [puts some goggles on him] All right, so what's the plan?
Joe:Why are you asking me?
Ben:[both men look around nervously] ...'kay. We go in the front door, then we walk to the back, grab the contracts, and if anyone tries to stop us, we fuck his shit up.
Joe:That's a great plan, Ben. Really well thought out.
Ben:[being frisked] Let's kick some ass, baby! [the bouncer motions him in. Orgazmo steps up to be frisked, then he's motioned in as well.]
[Inside the club. Ben and Joe enter]
Ben:Head to the back! [goes there straight away. Joe follows.] Come on, let's go! Up the stairs! [they reach a door that reads "EMPLOYEES ONLY"]
Joe:Oh, it's locked. Too bad. [turns to leave, but Ben stops him]
Ben:Don't worry! I have the Slim Johnson. [whips out a dildo with a lock pick sticking out from the tip. He sticks it into the lock and somehow gets the lock to blow up. The door opens and they enter the room] Haha!
[The back room]
Jimmy:What the fuck is this?
Ben:You have a contract signed by G-Fresh! We want it back!
Tommy:You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me, right? [the henchmen begin to laugh] Jimmy, kick their asses.
Jimmy:You kick their asses.
Tommy:Jimmy, kick their asses.
Jimmy:I'm tired of kicking everybody's ass. I'm not kicking their asses.
Tommy:Yeah, my heart bleeds for ya...
Randy:Kick their fuckin' asses!
Tommy:Go. [Jimmy rises and leaves] Guppy, play. [Jimmy approaches Ben, who gives him a sharp backhand with his left fist. Jimmy goes down like a ton of bricks. Tommy approaches Ben] Com'ere, you little... whatever you are! [tries to hit him with right and left blows, but Ben ducks them. Ben blocks the next move and punches the henchman away with his left hand. Tommy returns and tries a backhanded blow with his right hand. Ben blocks him, but he follows up with ten body blows to the stomach before Joe shoots him with the Orgazmorator. Tommy reels from the overwhelming sexual energy, and Ben takes advantage. He pokes Tommy in the eyes, a double punch to the stomach, and a double blow against the temples. Ben then follows up with a succession of quick blows to the belly. Randy then gets a two-by-four and swings it at Joe. On the third swing, Joe breaks the two-by-four with a quick kick. Randy looks at the shattered beam and somehow defends against Joe's kick. Randy is livid]
I'll kill you! [Randy tries two kicks, but Joe holds them off and returns with a left punch to the face. Randy tries another punch and Joe rejects it. Ben continues punching Jimmy like a pumching bag. Joe blocks another move from Randy, but Randy kicks him on the abdomen, then grabs him and peels away his shirt. Joe fired a shot of Orgazmorator at Randy, then kicks him with a flying kick as he begins to fall, then kicks him again so he'll fall down faster. Ben finishes his series of body blows and kicks Jimmy down to the ground again. Randy gathers himself and draws a gun on Joe. Ben notices and whips out his lasso. Its rope wraps around Randy's ankles and Ben pulls him off his feet, which causes him to fall on a table and then dragged to the floor. Ben addresses Jimmy as well by kicking him back down to the ground and finally smacking him across the face with a dildo]
Ben:Where's the contract?!
Tommy:What contract? [Ben smacks him across the face three times more: from the left, from the right, and from the top, then wiggles the dildo in his face for a few seconds]
Ben:God-damnit! I'm not gonna ask you again!
Tommy:[pleading] All right! All right already! It's over there. [between a fan and a TV]
Joe:[gets the contract and looks it over, then] Got it! [Ben whacks Tommy with the dildo once more and wiggles it until the henchman passes out. Joe catches up to Ben]
Ben:I strongly suggest you don't mess with G-Fresh anymore! You mess with him, we mess with you! [exits]
Joe:Bye-bye. God bless. [follows]
[The club floor. Joe and Ben step onto a railing]
Ben:Look out, fucker! [leaps down. Joe follows him. They look around for an exit. Jimmy and the other two henchmen reach the railing and spot Joe and Ben]
Jimmy:Rocco! [motions to Rocco] Stop them! [Rocco, a guard with a full beard, looks up to hear the command, and then straight at Joe and Ben as they head his way. Ben notices a nice girl and stops to dance with her. Rocco lunges at Joe with a baton, but Joe dodges his every move. Joe kicks him in the ass. Ben begins to spank the ass of the girl he's dancing with, and she turns and smiles at him. She likes it. Joe smacks Rocco across the face with a backhand, then follows up with a kick across the face. The henchmen make their way downstairs. Joe pulls Ben off the floor and they make their way outside.]
Ben:[flips over the top of a car to the driver's side] Yoktuki! [Ben and Joe get in, then peel away. Jimmy runs outside, followed by the other two henchmen. They don't have a vehicle nearby, so Jim can only contain his frustration.]
Jimmy:Curses! [seethes]
Tommy:...Curses? [Jimmy still seethes]
[In the car, speeding down the street. Ben is really excited from all the action]
Ben:Woo! Yeah! God, that kicked ass, didn't it?!
Joe:No, it was horrible!
Ben:[confused] What are you talkin' about?! God, we got in there, we kicked their ass, we got the contract, and we got out! Fuck, dude, it couldn't be scripted any better than that! Actually, I take that back.
Joe:That guy... was pointing a gun at me. He could've shot me, Ben.
Ben:And all I know... is that little guys always get stepped on. Tonight, we did some stepping!
Joe:And all I know is I gotta get the heck out of Los Angeles. Way too much weird stuff goes on here!
[Joe's apartment, #9. He stops at the door and fumbles for his keys. A woman shows up behind him]
Lisa:Surprise! [grins wide at her own cleverness. Joe looks up and turns around]
Joe:[horrified] AAAAAAAA!!
Lisa:AH! [laughs] Hi, honey.
Joe:[panicked] Lisa? What are you doing here?
Lisa:I couldn't take it anymore. Daddy lent me some money to come out. Isn't that great?? [laughs]
Joe:Noo! I mean... I mean... bo- Boy, I'll say! How long you staying?
Lisa:Until the show's over.
Joe:AAA!! [Lisa squeals and giggles]
Lisa:I know! [calms down] I know. I know. I know. I know. Living together before we're married os stramge. but I figure, heck, the Lord won't be angry as long as I sleep on the couch, right?
Joe:Uh I, Uh I, actually I don't know, Lise. The uh, the Lord's kinda tricky when it comes to stuff like that.
Lisa:[brushes the comment aside] Oh! [enters the apartment]
Joe:Waitwaitwait, hold on, hold on. Uh... [follows her in]
[Joe's apartment, inside.]
Lisa:[chuckles, then] Wow, this is a much nicer apartment than I thought you'd have. [sets her suitcase down in front of the sofa]
Joe:Yeah, I got some new stuff. [hides everything that might suggest he's in the porn industry]
Lisa:Oh, when is your next shoot? I wanna come and watch.
Joe:Uh it's, uh it's sold out. I mean, it's a closed set.
Lisa:Oh. Well, I'm sure you can get me in.
Joe:I dount it. [grabs the magazines that are on the couch] This place is such a mess. I can't stand for you to see it like this.
Lisa:What are you talking about? This is spotless. [Joe looks around for any more items] Joe?? [sighs] Joe, what is the matter? Aren't you glad to see me? [caresses his face] Haven't you missed me? [they look at each other lovingly]
Joe:You have no idea how much I've missed you, Lise. I've almost forgotten how beautiful you are.
Lisa:Oh Joe. [Joe relaxes, she giggles, they hug each other. He looks up and his smile vanishes. On the kitchen table is the AVN award he received, in all its glory]
[Maxxx's house, day. ]
A-Cup:[doing some hip exercises] Shut uuup.
Georgi:How you doin', A-Cup?
A-Cup:Fuuuck youuu! [A man walks by, saying nothing] Hey! [the man stops and turns, then turns away] Come here. [the man turns again, reluctantly] Come here. [A-Cup motions for him to bend over, then A-cup puts his ass against the man's head and farts. He cackles at the man as the man stands straight up again] Now get the fuck out of here! Ahhhh...
[Orgazmo set.]
Ben:[his hands tied to straps hanging from the ceiling] I should have known you'd team up with Neutered Man, Lobstra!
Lobstra:That's right, Choda Boy! And if you don't tell me where Orgazmo is, I'll... [snaps her pincers together a few times] screw you to death!
Ben:I'd like to see you try!
Lobstra:All right. [kneels down next to him] Just let me get out of these clothes... [begins to undress suggestively. Rogers' ass shows up just before Lobstra's breasts are fully exposed. He spanks his ass, and Maxxx is none too pleased to see it there]
Rogers:Where do you want me?
Maxxx:You're not in the shot yet.
Rogers:Oh. Oh. Sorry. [leaves]
[Between shots. A-Cup is harassing the blond. Joe sits in the background]
Georgi:Stop it!
A-Cup:Mmmm. Woof.
Georgi:Stop grabbing my ass!
A-Cup:[grabs a hold of her arm] Momm, baby.
Georgi:Knock it off! We're not rolling!
A-Cup:I'd say we are!
Georgi:Ah! [Joe rises]
Joe:[intervenes] Hey hey hey, leave her alone. [A-Cup lets the blonde go and faces Joe]
Georgi:Ah! [falls to the ground]
A-Cup:Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do!
Joe:Just leave her alone. You don't have any right to-
A-Cup:[gets into his attack stance] Kiaaa!
Joe:Who? [A-Cup gives him right and left punches, then a kick to the stomach, then another kick up to his face, then gets into another attack stance. Joe rises and rubs his now-bloody lowe lip. He then gets into his attack stance]
A-Cup:Oh yeah??? You want some? You want some of me?
Maxxx:Hey hey heyhey! Hey HEY hey hey hey! [steps between the two men and holds up the fight] A-Cup, look what you did here. He's supposed to work in the next scene.
A-Cup:I'm sorry, Uncle Orbison. He provoked me.
Maxxx:The both of you two better stop scrappin' or else you'll be sleepin' with the fishes. See? [A-Cup farts into his hand and tosses it at Joe]
A-Cup:Merry Christmas. [walks away]
Joe:Oh! [tries his best to swat away the smell] He totally started it, Mr. Orbison. I-
Maxxx:Just get to make-up, Hung. [Joe soothes his lip some more, then notices the blonde still on the floor]
Joe:Are you okay?
Georgi:Yeah. [they head for the dressing room] Thanks for trying to help, Joe. You know, he kinda really hurt me. [runs into a wall next to the room and falls back again. Joe backs up to see what happened] Ah...
[On set.]
Maxxx:Action. [Lobstra, now naked, begins to work on Choda Boy]
Lobstra:[lustily] Oh yeah.
Ben:Oh no!
Lobstra:[lustily] Mmm yeah. [Dave stands there with mouth open]
Ben:Oh nnno! Do something, Choda Dog? [the dog looks up] Quickly, Choda Dog. Bite through these ropes! [the dog just looks on with his mouth open]
[A video store, day. Lisa wanders through the stacks. She enters the Epics section and comes upon such classics as "Birth of Jesus," "Jesus of Nazareth," "Jesus the Healer" starring Tom Collins, "Jesus Scissorhands," "Pulp Jesus," "The Good, The Bad, Jesus," and "Raising Jesus" starring Robert ni Dero. Behind her, a scene from "Orgazmo" shows up on TV]
Orgazmo:Thanks, Choda Boy. That's just what I need.
Orgazmo:What has Jizzmaster Zero done with the little fat retarded kid from Boise? [Lisa locates the voice's origin and sees Joe on screen]
Choda Boy:I don't know.
Orgazmo:We must find Jizzmaster Zero! [Lisa cocks her head to one side in curiosity] Here they come, Choda Boy! Duck. [the duo duck behind a low brick wall. Choda Boy's chode is still visible, swaying atop his helmet]
Lisa:[approaches the clerk] E-excuse me. What movie is this?
Clerk:[snickering] What movie is this? Have you been living in a cardboard box, lady?
Lisa:No, I'm from Utah.
Clerk:Oh. I'm sorry.
[Maxxx's house, on set. Joe is sitting on a bed, his arms tied to ropes coming up from under the bed]
Maxxx:Joe, Joe, these are two of the hottest porn stars in Japan. Natsuko [to his right] and Haruko [to his left]
Natsuko, Haruko:[wave] Hi
Joe:How do you do?
Maxxx:Natsuko, you go sit over here. [guides her to the left side of the bed] Right on the bed. Very good. And Haruko, you sit right here, darling. [the women take their places] Now, when we roll cameras, Natsuko, you say "There is no escaping us, Orgazmo."
Natsuko:There is no escaping us, Orugazumo?
Maxxx:Good. And Haruko, you say "Prepare to meet your doom!"
Haruko:Prepare to meet zou DOOM!
Maxxx:[claps his hands] Good. Close enough. Joe, you say "I'll find a way to break free, Assfuck Twins!"
Joe:I'll find a way to bre-! Ohhh... Ahh, wuh. I I can't say that.
Maxxx:Say what?
Joe:What are they called?
Maxxx:The Assfuck Twins.
Joe:[shaking his head] I c- I I can't say that. Can we call 'em something else?
Maxxx:But they're the Assfuck Twins.
Joe:Well I know, but, um, couldn't I call them the Naughty Twins or something?
Maxxx:Noo, you couldn't just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the Assfuck Twins. Why would you call them the Naughty Twins when... they get fucked in the ass all the time?
Joe:Well, that's pretty naughty.
Maxxx:[sticks a finger onto Joe's chest] Look Hung! I've been pretty patient with you, but it's wearing thin! Now my need to kiss your ass is OVER! [softly] So you'd better shape up, kiddo. UNDERSTOOD?!
Joe:Yes sir.
Maxxx:Okay. Let's shoot this. [leaves the set and settles into his chair] Roll camera. [into his bullhorn] And action! [Joe begins to struggle with the ropes]
Natsuko:There is no escaping us, Orugazumo.
Haruko:Prepare to meet yor DOOM!
Joe:I'll find a way to break free, A- assfucktwins! [Ben enters as Choda Boy and the Twins hide behind Orgazmo]
Ben:Get away from him, Assfuck Twins!
Natsuko, Haruko:Chodai Bo!
Joe:Thaaat's right!
Ben:Let's see how you like my... [holds up something in his left hand] cock rocket! [fastens the rocket to his crotch. Joe nods approvingly] COCK ROCKET! [presses the switch that activates the ignition. A few seconds later the rocket leaves its pad and sails across the room, breaking a window and hitting a cat outside. The Twins begin laughing, and Ben smiles sheepishly]
Maxxx:Cut cut cut! God-damnit cut!! You call that an explosing, Chapleski! I told you to make it bigger!
Ben:All right, mellow out, I'll make it bigger. Jesus.
Joe:[glances around] Where?
Ben:The both of you two assholes get off of my set!! We'll just shoot the fucking sex! Bring me my stunt cock!
Cameramam 1:Stunt cock.
Cameramam 2:Stunt cock. [Ben gets off the bed as the stunt cock is brought in.]
Stunt Cock:[white] Hey, how're you doin'? [licks his fingertips and is about to spank his ass...]
Maxxx:Just get in there and fuck.
Stunt Cock:I haven't slapped my ass yet.
Maxxx:Mooove, fuck boy! [the stunt cock does a quick ass slap and heads for the bed. Wipe to the stunt cock having sex with the Twins]
Dave:[whispering] Yeah. Yeah. [loudly] ASSFUCK TWIIINS!! WOOO!!
[Make-up, aka the dressing room]
Joe:[soft sigh] Boy, I've never seen Mr. Orbison like that.
Ben:Well he's a first-class asshole, that's for sure. See ya tomorrow. [leaves]
Joe:Good night. [gets his tie and puts it on]
Dave:[enters] Oh. Hey, Joe!
Joe:Oh, hi Dave.
Dave:You know, you did a good job in there today, man.
Joe:Thanks. Thanks, man.
Dave:You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I kinda wanna make love to you tonight. [Joe just looks ahead]
[The hallway. Ben is on his way out]
Two Women:[heading into the dressing room] Bye, Choda Boy
Ben:'Night. [runs into a tall man] Whoa, excuse me. [finds himself facing the three henchmen who want to buy out G-Fresh's bar]
Jimmy:Ey Boss, this guy looks really familiar.
Maxxx:'Course he looks familiar. He's Choda Boy in the film.
Jimmy:Oh yeah, that's right. Choda Boy. Good stuff.
Ben:You work for Orbison?
Maxxx:Is there a problem, Chapleski?
Ben:No... There's no problem. [makes his way past the group] Excuse me.
[Joe's apartment, day. Lisa sits on the armchair distressed. Joe enters with some groceries.]
Joe:Hi Cupcake, I'm home.
Two Women:Orgazmo! [Lisa bought the tape she asked about at the video store.]
Choda Boy:And Choda Boy! [Joe drops the groceries and walks over to Lisa]
Orgazmo:I'll use my Orgazmorator. Meewr.
Choda Boy:Nice shot! [Joe is now kneeling beside Lisa, not knowing what to do or say]
Joe:Ah... How's it going?
Lisa:Tell me, how could you?
Joe:...Lisa, listen to me. You had your heart so set on being married in the Temple and, and having a nice place to live and... I wanted to have it all for you.
Lisa:But you had to know that I didn't want this.
Joe:I... it all happened so fast, Lise. But bu-
Lisa:Fie on you, Satan! [begins to weep]
Joe:Lise, I... I thought nobody would ever know. I I had no idea it would get this popular.
Lisa:How could you have sex with all of those women??
Joe:I didn't have sex with them. It was a stunt cock.
Lisa:A stunt... cock? [begins to brighten up]
Lisa:So... So you...aren't actually touching those women's... breasts?
Joe:Oh... no, that's all just... special effects.
Lisa:Rreally? [Joe smiles for her, but lets it vanish]
Joe:No. [Lisa begins to weep again] Lisa, I love you. And, and I did this all for you and... for us.
Lisa:[rises from the armchair and walks off] Hey, is this what you think Heavenly Father has intended for you??
Joe:[rises] I don't know, Lisa. All I know is that I'm finally good at something.
Lisa:You have to quit, Joe. You have to quit, right now, and get back to Utah.
Joe:I can't quite, Lisa, we're still shooting.
Lisa:But, ehp, what about me?
Joe:Lisa, it's two more days. Two more days of shooting, and then we'll have all the money we need.
Lisa:I don't want the money if this is how you have to earn it!
Joe:Well, I don't know how else I can earn it!
Lisa:Joe, it is wrong!
Joe:Will you just stop hollerin' at me?! Criminy! [this silences Lisa, but sadness fills her face]
Lisa:I guess we don't have anything else to say. [Joe says nothing, and Lisa heads for the door. Before leaving for good, she turns around once more and faces Joe] I don't know what's happened to you, Joe. But... I hope you're happy in the life you've chsoen.
Joe:Don't quote Dickens in my apartment! [Lisa weeps once more and leaves the apartment. Joe sits in his armchaiar] That's right. MY house.
T-Rex:[her scene with Orgazmo is playing] Oooo! Come on now! Come on, baby! Oh-oh yeah! Spank that ass now! Come on! Come on! Move that ass, baby! Woo! Ohh yeah! Oh, that's a baby now! [as Joe watches, he is overcome with sadness]
Joe:[bolts from his chair] Lisa. [goes outside and looks around]
T-Rex:Oh, you feel so good inside me, baby!
T-Rex:Come on! Use your little foam!
Joe:Lis- LISA!! [A cab is seen moving down the street. Joe, resigned, goes back inside his apartment]
T-Rex:Use your little foam here! That's right, baby! Come on! Give it to momma now! Give it to momma now!
Joe:[frustrated] Awww heck!
[Maxxx's office, later.]
Maxxx:What's your name again? [a man sits across the desk from him]
Prospect:I am Sancho. [a guitar strums at the sound of his name: Em]
Maxxx:Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think you'd be good at porno?
Sancho:I am Sancho. [guitar strum: G]
Maxxx:That's great, but... What do you do?
Sancho:What do I do? I am Sancho. [guitar strum: Em. Some maracas are added]
Sancho:[sofly, with an air of entitlement] And there are many... Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... an Sancho. [guitar strum: Em. Some maracas are added]
Sancho:Are you Sancho? No, you are not Sancho. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...
Maxxx:You... are Sancho! [guitar strum: Em. Some maracas are added]
Sancho:That's right. [grins big]
Maxxx:Okay, you're hired.
Sancho:Of course.
Maxxx:You get a hundred bucks a scene. We're shooting one tonight. It's on the volcano set, with the Assfuck Twins. [his intercom buzzes. He answers] Yeah?
Rogers:Boss, Joe Young is here to see you. He says it's very important.
Maxxx:God-damnit. [presses the intercom button again] Send him in. [starts writing a check. Joe enters and closes the door] Whattaya want, Hung? I'm verry very busy.
Joe:Well, Mr. Orbison, I just came by to tell you that... I have to quit.
Sancho:Oh my God it's Orgazmo!
Joe:[snaps back] I am not Orgazmo!
Sancho:I am Sancho.
Joe:You, you see, Mr. Orbison, my my fiancée came in from out of town and everything just... well... dangit, I just have to get back to Utah and marry her!
Maxxx:[brushes it aside] Get outta here! I'll see ya on set tomorrow.
Joe:No, I'm serious. I appreciate everything you've done for me, but, I have to say No. [Maxxx looks up at him] My contract does state that I can leave whenever I want.
Maxxx:[shakes his head and stands up] Wait a minute, kid, you're forgetting something.
Maxxx:That contracts don't mean shit to me. [Joe looks confused] Now you're gonna finish this film. And then do you know what you're gonna do?
Maxxx:You're gonna do Orgazmo 3. Orgazmo 4, Orgazmo 5, Orgazmo Twenty-fucking-Seven if I want you to, and do you know why?!
Maxxx:Because I'm Maxxx Orbison! And I get what I want!!
Joe:Now... Now hold on a minute, Mr. Orbison! I said I don't wanna do it! And you don't, you don't, own me!
Maxxx:YOU WANNA BET I DON'T, PUNK?! Now I'm warnin' ya, kid! Don't FUCK with me! You go home and you tell your little fiancée that the wedding is off and you have your ASS... BACK here tonorrow AM! [softly] Or else, you'll be sleeping with the fishes. See? [sits down and presses the intercom button again.] Send in the next audition.
Joe:[musters some resolve] You know? I have had enough of your poop, Mr. Orbison! Find yourself another Orgazmo!
Maxxx:I'm warning you, Hung!
Joe:Good-bye! [opens the door to see Clark, Rogers, and A-Cup standing there]
Clark:Not so fast, happy-pants
Maxxx:No. No! It's his decision. Let him go. [the three actors part the way for Joe, and he exits the office.]
A-Cup:You shoulda let me whoop his ass, uncle Orbison!
Maxxx:No, we don't need him all messed up for the shoot tomorrow. [picks up a phone receiver] There's another way. [begins dialing a number]
[Joe's apartment. Lisa returns and stands outside]
Lisa:[knocks on the door] Joe? [knocks again] Joe? It's me. Joe, come on! Can we please just talk about this some more? [the door opens and Lisa's face goes blank.]
[Ben's house. Joe knocks, Ben answers]
Joe:Hi Ben.
Ben:Man, I just tried callin' ya, I got some big news!
Joe:No, nono, I've got big news, too. I just quit.
Joe:I'm going back to Utah to be a normal Mormon again. I just... came to say good-bye.
Ben:I found out who's been beating up G-Fresh. It's Orbison. Those thugs work for him, Joe.
Joe:[processes this info] Orbison, wow. Boy, that guy just thinks he owns the world, doesn't he?
Ben:Yeah he does. And that's why you and I need to do something.
Joe:Oh nonononono! Look, ah, ah I might have lost the only thing that really matters to me! I'm, I'm not staying in this town another hour!
Ben:Hey, you're gonna let Orbison extort money from somebody like G-Fresh? [no reply] Listen to me Joe!!
Joe:No no! You-!
Ben:You need to-!
Joe:You listen to be, BEN! I don't know when exactly I lost control of my life, but I want it back!
Ben:No, wait a minute. See? Now you're doin' what they told ya!
Joe:Dog-gonnit Ben! I'm not a superhero! I'm a Latter-Day Saint! [turns around and walks away. Ben looks on and then closes the door]
[Joe's apartment, dusk. He arrives and enters. He turns on the lights and looks around]
Joe:Lisa? [a phone rings. It's a new cordless phone. Joe walks up to the phone and picks up] Hello?
[Maxxx's house. Lisa is tied up, but can talk...]
Lisa:Joe? Joe, help me!
Joe:Lisa? Whe-?
Lisa:Joe! Joe! [a hand moves the black cordless phone from Lisa to...]
Maxxx:I told you not to fuck with me, Hung! [it was Maxxx who was holding the phone to Lisa's ear]
Lisa:What have you done with her?!
Maxxx:I'm gonna send her away so you don't have to worry about her for a while! Now you be on set tomorrow AM! Or else I'm not gonna send her away, I'm gonna blow her away! Do you understand what I mean?!
Joe:You mean she'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?
Maxxx:That's right. Now you just finish this film, then we'll see about getting you two lovebirds back together! [hangs up]
Joe:Don't hurt- her... [dial tone] ...her. [looks at the receiver, then hangs up. He whispers] No. [his anger rises and he finally pounds his dresser]
Clark:What should we do with her, boss, huh?
Maxxx:[looks around] We need some collateral. Twins! Take a break. Put her... on the set!
[Ben's house, night. A knock is heard and Ben answers. It's Joe, dressed as the Orgazmo suit Ben designed for him]
Ben:Joe! The hell you doin'?
Joe:He took her, Ben! Orbison took my Cupcake!
Ben:Shit. I knew it would come to this!
Joe:Where's the Orgazmorator? [enters] I have to get her back!
Ben:Whoa. Hold on! Listen: Orbison's mansion is like a fortress, Joe! There NO way you can do this by yourself!
Joe:I know. That's why I need you.
Ben:Damn, Joe. I've never seen you like this.
Joe:I'm pissed off!
[Maxxx's mansion, volcano set. Clark and Rogers tie ropes on Lisa's wrists]
Lisa:Help meeee!!
Maxxx:Will you shut up?!
Lisa:You pig! You're the one responsible for degrading all of those women!
Rogers:Hey hey! What about men, huh? He degrades them too!
Clark:Yeah. Men are equally degraded in pornographic films.
Lisa:The men are always in a position of power!
Rogers:The men are the ones who want the product so bad. They're the victims! [Maxxx can't believe what he's hearing]
Lisa:Well, then, it exploits men by exploiting women.
Clark:Hence... it exploits... people.
Maxxx:SHUT UP!!
Clark:[to Lisa] Yeah!
Maxxx:I do what I do and I make a lot of money! And I don't give a shit what I do to people because they're all idiots!
Clark:[to Lisa] Yeah!
Maxxx:Especially you, Clark. You pig-fucking hunk o' shit! [stretches out some masking tape]
Clark:[to Lisa] Yeah!
Lisa:Men like you make the Lord sick! Jesus is gonna put an end to you!
Maxxx:[tapes Lisa's mouth shut] If Jesus Christ wants to bring Maxxx Orbison down... he's gonna need a lot of help!
[Ben's house, back yard]
Ben:Wait! To the Orgazmobile!
Ben:My Buick Century! [he activates the car's headlights, then follow closeups of Buick. Century. Then the car pulls away from the garage door. Ben drives into a main thoroughfare and knocks down a few trashcans. Inside, a car radio is heard]
Singer:He sent his son to die for me. He didn't have to do that.
Ben:Man, this shit has GOT to go! [moves the dial to another station]
[Maxxx's mansion, volcano set. Lisa sits atop the bed, her hands tied to two large tikis]
Maxxx:You'd better hope your little boyfriend finishes my film, or else I'm gonna release this instead.
A-Cup:I think we should start with a close-up of my ass.
Maxxx:Welcome to Hollywood! [cackles]
[Maxxx's mansion, outer wall. Ben and Joe are checking it out. Ben carries a harpoon]
Ben:We can't go through the main gate, or we'll be spotted. [notices the Orgazmorator on Ben] Can you climb the wall with that thing on?
Joe:I'll sure as Abraham try.
Ben:Right. [flips open the harpoon tip and launches it. The tip sails over the wall and catches on the other side]
[Maxxx's mansion, volcano set.]
Maxxx:Come on! Get the camera up!
Cameraman:Don't yell at me! I'm not used to working like this. Man, these European videos are kinky!
[Maxxx's mansion, courtyard. Ben hops over the wall, then Joe follows. They move, then stop as Ben makes sure...]
Ben:This should be a cake!
Joe:Yeah. [a German shepherd sees then and runs at them]
Ben:Aw, shit! Back over the wall! [runs back to the wall and prepares to hop over it]
Joe:Ah! [fires at the dog, which stops running and walks over. It mounts him and tries to hump him] Oh... Oh. Hey. Oh. Bad dog.
Ben:[studies the effects] Huh...
Joe:Wait. Bad dog.
Ben:I didn't know it worked on animals.
Joe:Ben, could-? Could you give me a hand here, Ben? [Ben just shrugs. The dog keeps going] Bad dog! Shoo! That's a bad dog! Oh.
Ben:That's fucked up.
[Maxxx's mansion, volcano set. Lisa sits atop the bed, her hands tied to two large tikis]
Cameraman:Okay, I'm ready.
Maxxx:Finally. Okay, people, let's do this. Roll camera.
[Maxxx's mansion, side door. Bilbo shows up and sees Joe in his leather outfit. He laughs. The dog is still humping Joe. Joe and Ben join in the laughter]
Ben:Drop him.
Joe:Right. [gives Bilbo a leg sweep and Bilbo drops to the ground. Then then enter the mansion and ]
Rogers:Hey! [shows up with Clark] This is private property!
Joe:Where is the woman you kidnapped?
Rogers:[recognizing the woman] Hung? Hung? Hung, is that you? [he and Clark begin to laugh] Man, don't you think you're taking this role a little bit too seriously?
Joe:Where's my fiancée, buttlord?!
Clark:Let's just say your fiancée is getting an education in the industry.
Rogers:Yeah, she's gonna be a star, just like you.
Joe:You dirty so-and-so! [smacks him across the face with a left hook, then gives him a backhanded blow. Rogers then hollers and pushes Ben over a curved couch and breaks a coffee table]
Clark:I've been waiting for this. [grabs Ben by the neck and throws him against a pool table. Ben's head bounces off and he falls to the floot. He gets up]
Ben:Son of a bitch! [rises. Back by the couch, Rogers delivers a few blows to Joe across the face. Joe blocks the third shot and flips Rogers over his head with the use of a leg. Clark grabs a cue stick and jabs at Ben a few times, but Ben dodges each jab. Ben then stops a jab with a hand prop] Need a hand? [shoves the cue stick back into Clark's face with the hand prop and Clark stumbles away]
[Maxxx's mansion, volcano set. Lisa reacts to the sounds she's hearing elsewhere. A-Cup cuddles up to her on the volcano bed]
A-Cup:Excuse me? [listens to more protestations] You dirty girl. I can do that, you know.
[Maxxx's mansion, parlor. Ben and Clark face off]
Clark:Woh! [Ben attacks, but Clark easily blocks each attempt, for in all, then he sets up to attack.] Jong kwang do!
Ben:Hoh? [Clark sends Ben to the floor with one open-palm blow to the forehead. Rogers and Joe are now trading blows to the face. Clark claps his hands against Ben's ears and Ben staggers backwards. Clark waves his hands around like serpent heads and then beckons Ben over. Ben obliges and begins delivering a series of quick blows to Clark's stomach. Clark simply straightens up and burps, and Ben is confused]
Clark:No problem. [delivers a right backfoot kick] Kia! [delivers a left kick] Kia! [delivers a swinging left kick, sending Ben reeling] Kia! Hahahahaha! You twerp! [Joe and Rogers are still trading blows. Ben gets up and does a few flips towards Clark, then delivers a blow that connects. He tries a right blow, but misses. Clark grabs him and wraps him up in a headlock] Now I got ya! [Joe and Rogers are evenly matched. They stop delivering blows to each other and try to think of how to battle next. Joe raises his Orgazmorator, but Rogers grabs his arm and swings it around towards Clark and Ben. Joe presses the button. Ben is hit, and he twitches uncontrollably, but Clark keeps the headlock on. Joe delivers a backhand blow to Rogers, and then a kick to the head. Rogers falls to the floor, smashing the second coffee table in the room. Clark is about to deliver a blow to Ben, planning to render him unconscious]
Clark:Sayonara! [Joe blasts him with the Orgazmorator. Clard releases his hold on Ben and tries to recover. Joe runs up and kicks Clark's head in]
Ben:[still recovering] Ohhh, shit! [Clark stumbles out of the room and goes unconscious in the hallway. Ben and Joe step into the hallway, but encounter Sancho]
Joe:Who are you?
Sancho:I am Sancho. [Joe and Ben look at each other, then Ben gives Sancho an extended dose of Orgazmorator energy] OoooooOoOoohhhh. [Joe stops the blast and Sancho twitches for a few seconds more] Me estoy mojando. ["I'm getting wet." He collapses on the floor. Ben and Joe watch him fall]
Ben:Shit, dude.
[Maxxx's mansion, volcano set. Lisa tries to stop A-Cup from doing anything with her]
Lisa:[muffled] Ow! Get off of me! Ow... Ow!
Bilbo:[interrupting] Boss! We got a problem! He's here!
Maxxx:Who's here?
Bilbo:Orgazmo. The real Orgazmo!
Maxxx:There is no real Orgazmo, you dipshit. [Joe and Ben walk in. Joe looks at Bilbo]
Bilbo:AAAAAAAAaaaaaahhhh! [runs out of the room. A-Cup rolls off Lisa and looks at Joe]
Joe:Let the woman go! Right now!
Maxxx:Who the hell are you??
Joe:I said, let her go!
Maxxx:[to his film crew] Get this fuck! [the cameraman and the boom mic operator move out and face Joe and Ben. The cameraman goes for Ben, the operator for Joe. The operator swings the boom mic around in a dazzling display of martial artistry. He then attacks Joe with a few jabs from the mic, but Joe dodges them]
Cameraman:[to Ben] Show me what you got. I'm right here. Come on! [blocks the jabs Ben delivers to him. Joe finally takes the mic from the operator and fends him off with a quick left jab. Joe takes the mic and strikes the operator a few times, then tosses the mic back to him. When the operator gets the mic, Joe kicks him down. A-Cup rises and challenges Joe.]
A-Cup:Oh yeah? You think you can do some of that piece of shit on me, man?? [jumps up and delivers a right blow on the way down. Joe blocks the next two blows, but gets struck with a left blow. Ben has the cameraman's right hand in a lock and delivers two quick chops to the body. A-Cup blocks a slap from Joe and delivers a direct kick to Joe's face. Joe bows down and A-Cup misses with a swinging backhand chop. Joe and A-Cup trades kicks, but both miss. A-Cup delivers with a backfoot kick with his left foot. Joe goes down, and A-Cup helps him up] Get up here. I'm gonna whup your ass! And then I'm gonna rape your girlfriend! [holds Joe's left hand while delivering a blow with his own left hand. It connects, and Joe looks at the set]
Joe:Lisa! [A-Cup pulls him back and delivers another lieft blow. Ben kicks the cameraman in the face and the cameraman goes down. Ben looks for Joe, who's been strangled by A-Cup and gone down to the ground]
A-Cup:Now it's your turn, Johnny! [walks towards him in something like a spider walk. He gets into his attack stance, but then farts onto his right hand and throws the smell in Ben's face.]
Ben:[wincing from the horrible odor] Hawgh, you sonofabitch! Oh! [A-Cup sends Ben to the floor with a right blow to the face. Joe struggles to get up. A-Cup grabs Ben's hand and twists it so Ben does a flip and ends up on the floor. Lisa looks on, concerned. A-Cup sees Ben rise and kicks him again, sending him flying in a backflip to the floor. A-Cup then picks up Ben's legs, stands him on his head, and drives his head into the floor several times, then tosses him away. Ben gets up. Joe watches Ben stay in the fight]
Joe:Use your hamster style!
Ben:No! I can't! [A-Cup sends Ben to the floor with another right blow. Ben rises]
Joe:Hamster style, Ben. Do it!
Ben:Nooooo! [A-Cup sends Ben to the floor with a left blow. Ben rises and suddenly gets a flashback, the same one as before]
Young Ben:Hey Dad? [his dad reads the Metropolitan News and eats some toast] I don't think I'm going to do hamster-style anymore.
Dad:That's nice. [the words echo in his mind] That's nice. That's nice... [at present Ben is building up his courage. The squirrel panel appears in his mind] That's nice. [Ben turns to face A-Cup and begins acting like a hamster, with the hissing and the small moves. A-Cup tries a right blow, but Ben grabs his arm and starts gnawing on it. Maxxx goes onto the volcano bed and sits next to Lisa. Ben gives A-Cup a kick in the stomach, then a backflip flying kick to A-Cup, who reels from it and recovers. Ben rakes A-Cup's face couple dozen times, then goes for A-Cup's clothing. Bits and pieces of clothing fly off A-Cup and end up all over the room. Ben backs up, and a battered A-Cup stumbles into Joe.]
Joe:You're an asshole! [blasts A-Cup with the Orgazmorator and then knocks him out with a left hook. Joe turns to face Maxxx and Lisa, and farts on A-Cup. Maxxx whips out a pocket knife. Joe and Ben approach the bed. Joe aims the Orgazmorator at Maxxx as Lisa continues squirming]
Joe:Easy shot. [tries to fire the Orgazmorator, but nothing comes out escept a flat noise] Huh? [Ben checks out the Orgazmorator's condition]
Ben:Oh shit! We're out of battery power!
Maxxx:Hohoh! It looks like you're up Fucked River now, ey kiddo?! [Orgazmo steps forward, Maxxx sticks the knife to Lisa's neck] Ah ah ah ah ah! One more step and I'll slice her. [Joe takes off his mask]
Maxxx:Did you think you could really beat me, you cocky prick?! Did you really think that a stupid little twerp like you could stop Maxxx Orbison?! You've done a lot of fucking damage here, pal! And you're gonna pay me back every cent of it! [Joe looks around for something to plug into the Orgazmorator]
Joe:Please, Mr. Orbison. Don't hurt her. [Ben finds the lamp plug and prepares to snip it in two]
Maxxx:I told you not to FUCK with me!! What did I say?
Joe:That I'd be sleeping with the fishes, see? [Ben succeeds. Maxxx doesn't notice the lamp go out]
Maxxx:That's right. I own this town! I'm the... mayor, I'm the governor, I'm the police AND the crime! AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO CHANGE THAT?! [Ben jams the power cord into the Orgazmorator's battery pack, which takes power away from the other lamps around the room. Smoke rises from the connection]
Joe:I'm Orgazmo.
Lisa:What? [Joe fires his first shot at Maxxx, who stumbles onto the floor and towards the double doors overlooking the pool. Joe and Ben follow, and Joe fires the second blast. Maxxx stumbles down the steps. Joe delivers the third blast, then the fourth. Maxxx stumbles towards the pool. Joe is about to fire for the fifth time]
Ben:No! [stays the Orgazmorator, and Joe lowers it] He's never gonna have an orgasm again.
Joe:[raises it again] One more for Jesus. [fires it for the fifth time, and Maxxx is launched into the pool] Looks like he's sleeping with the fishes.
Ben:See? [they both hold up their left thumbs]
[The volcano set. Lisa is still struggling to free herself from the ropes. Joe appraches.]
Joe:Lisa? Are you okay? Did he hurt you? [motions to her mouth and mumbles something] What? Oh, I'm sorry. Here. [removes the tape from her mouth]
Lisa:AAAAAAAAAAA[the scream is loud, even out on the courtyard]AAAAAAAAAAA-OW!
Joe:[proceeds to free her from the ropes] Oh, Lisa, I'm sorry. What were you trying to say?
Lisa:Don't pull the tape off my mouth.
Lisa:Um, Joe, I was just scared.
Joe:Oh, I know, Lise. I'm sorry, this is all my fault. I... you were right, I was wrong, and-
Lisa:No wait, Joe, Joe. [soothes him] It's okay. [they kiss. Ben clears his throat]
Joe:[breaks the kiss with a loud pop] Oh, Lisa, this is, this is Choda Boy. I I mean, deh, Ben.
Lisa:[points at the Orgazmorator] Oh, uh, Joe...
Joe:I'll explain later, Lise.
[The courtyard. Joe and Lisa head out, and Ben leads the rest of them out, chaingang style]
Ben:There's one more thing, Orbison. I did what you asked me.
Ben:[sets up a large rocket and aims it at the mansion] Cock Rocket!!! [sparks fly out and the rocket goes off. It flies into the house. Soon the mansion explodes all over] AAAAAAAAhahahahahaha!
Joe:Whoa. That's a heck of a cock rocket, Ben.
Maxxx:MARK MY WORDS: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!! [Joe silences him once more with a sixth blast]
Rogers:This has really been a learning experience for me.
Clark:...Yeah. I've learned a lot about myself tonight.
Joe:Ben, I'm... sorry you had to use your hamster style.
Ben:No, it's okay. [pause] In fact, I think it's a good thing. [Joe nods] All these years I don't know what I've been running from. [pause] Maybe I've been running from my-
Joe:From yourself. Right.
Ben:Right. [sirens are soon heard] Come on, Joe. Let's get out of here. We don't have to explain this to the cops.
Joe:You're right. I think we've done enough damage to this little operation anyway. Farewell, evildoers! [He, Ben, and Lisa leave. The cops pull into the courtyard]
Dave:[walks up, having missed the excitement earlier] Whoa. Bummer, dude. What happened here?
Sancho:Some superhero destroyed the house.
Dave:Oh. My name's Dave.
Sancho:I'm Sancho. [Dave nods and turns to take still shots of the damage] I don't mean to sound like a queer or nothing, but I think fire is very romantic. [Dave looks at the flames and his eyes grow big. He turns to Sancho and smiles]
[Joe's apartment, day. Joe is packing up while movers come in and take out boxes already loaded and ready to go. Lisa enters with a box.]
Lisa:This is the last of the bedroom stuff. [sets it down on the table]
Joe:Oh great. [packs the AVN award statue. A pink Cadillac pulls up in front of the apartment and honks. G-Fresh is driving. Joe comes out with a box and sets it down as Lisa waves. Georgi stumbles out. Ben, Saffi, and G-Fresh also exit]
Ben:Hey kids.
Lisa:Hi Choda Boy.
Ben:All ready to leave, huh?
Joe:Yeah, I, I uh, I guess so.
Ben:[begins to sob] So I... guess there's no more... Orgazmo and Choda Boy.
Joe:No I, I don't think so.
Ben:[sobs] Well, maybe someday I can... come to Utah.
Joe:It was... it was really good meeting you. Really good.
Ben:[sobs] Yeah. There was a lot of good stuff goin' on. [Joe nods a few times] Whole lot of good stuff!
Joe:Good stuff.
Ben:Good, good stuff.
Ben:A lot of stuff that... makes you feel good.
Joe:It's good.
Ben:[hugs Joe and cries] God, Joe!
Lisa:[heads for the apartment] Oh Joe, I can't let you do this. [Joe follows. Georgi offers to console Ben]
Ben:[buries his face in her bosom] Oh God!
Lisa:Joe, this way is crazy, but I think you might have been right.
Lisa:Oh, Joe, it is so hard to know what Heavenly Father wants from us or what He has in mind. This whole thing is just too... gosh-darned wacky to be coinkidink. [more serious, earnest] Maybe this is... what Heavenly Father has intended for you.
Joe:Oh Lisa.
Lisa:Oh Joe! [giggles. They French-kiss, and it turns into a big open-mouthed affair.]
Ben:Whoa! They're goin' crazy!
Lisa:Ohhh! [they run back to the group]
Joe:Ben, L.A. needs us. The world needs us. Heck, I think the whole universe needs us!
Ben:You mean you're gonna stay??
Lisa:I think you guys need to clean up Los Angeles!
Ben:[relieved and sure] Well there's nothing that can stop us! Well crime fighting will have a new name!
Joe:From now on, if someone wants to turn to a life of crime, he'll have to answer to Orgazmo!
Ben:And Choda Boy!
Lisa:Ah, this is so wonderful! Let's pray.
Ben:Ohhh boy, look at the time! [he looks at a bare wrist - he has no watch on] I've-
Joe:Now, Choda Boy, superheros that pray together stay together.
Ben:Ah, what the fuck. [Joe holds hands with Ben and Lisa]
Joe:Heavenly Father, [on cue, G-Fresh, Saffi, and Georgi face forward and bow their heads] may we serve you in the best way we know how. May our decisions be rash, may we do what's right. And God bless us.
Ben:God bless us! Every one! [everyone then hugs everyone else. Joe looks towards his apartment and nods to someone there, then sticks up his right thumb. A transparent Jesus looks back and holds his left thumb up. Joe then points at him, Jesus points back with both index fingers and walks out of the scene. More hugs go around. No one else noticed Jesus.]
[A local medical clinic. Maxxx is reclined on a small bed. A doctor is bent over looking at Maxxx's privates. A nurse arrives with surgical tools]
Maxxx:Well, Doc? How bad is it?
Doctor:It isn't good, Mr. Orbison. There's a problem... with your little guy.
Maxxx:What's wrong... with my little guy?
Doctor:Well I'm afraid your testicles have swollen to the size of Florida oranges.
Maxxx:Don't you think I noticed THAT?! [feels the pain] Tell me something I don't know, you cocky PRICK!
Doctor:We're gonna have to amputate your... peepee. [Maxxx presses his hands to his eyes and begins to laugh maniacally, then reaches for the sky]
Maxxx:I've got you now, Joe Young! [the doctor and nurse look at each other. Maxxx makes fists and shakes with anger] Soon, you'll be meeting up with NEUTERED MAN!!! Aaaahahahahahowwww!! [fade out]
[The End]