Mr. Leno Visits South Park


Jay Leno
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat

[South Park Elementary. Class is in session. A picture of a cornucopeia hangs on the wall next to the blackboard, and another of Pilgrims is on Garrison's desk]
Mr. Garrison:Okay, children, let's settle down. We have a very special guest today to tell us all about Thanksgiving. All the way from the pagan state of California, Mr. Jay Leno. [Only Clyde claps, a little]
Jay:Hi, young people! Ha hah, it's great to be here. Look, you know, I just flew in to the Denver-
Stan:Whoa! Check out his chin!
Kyle:Yeah, dude!
Kenny:(It looks like a wedge of silicone!)
Stan:Kenny wants to know if that's your real chin, or if you had a silicone implant.
Jay:Ahall right, all rahight, kids, very funny. Look, believe me, there isn't a chin joke you can tell me that I haven't already heard, okay? So let's just put a stop to that-
Kyle:I bet you go through about forty razors when you shave, huh?
Jay:All right, let's TALK ABOUT Thanksgiving, shall we?
Cartman:Did you have to check that into 'oversized baggage' on the plane?
Jay:[getting irritated] Okaayy. That's enough. All right? Now. Does anybody know WHY- we celebrate Thanksgiving. [Cartman raises his hand] Yes. Little boy.
Cartman:Do you have to put your chin in a baby chair when you drive?
Jay:Hey! We're talking about Thanksgiving!
Cartman:[subdued] I bet he does.
Kyle:[subdued] Totally.
Jay:Come on, kids, I want to know what you children are thankful for this year. [hands go up all over the classroom as little grunts are heard] Beh besides the fact that you don't have my chin.
Class:[softly] Awww. [the hands go down]
Stan:[pounds his desk] I'm thankful for cable television. Because you can say words like "I'm all pissed off" and "kiss my _____"
Kyle:Yeah. And stuff _____ like, "You're a dick, you bastard!"
Cartman:And how about, "Why don't you- take yer testicles and wrap 'em around yer, yer penis, 'cause you look like a little monkey?!"
Jay:Whoa whoa, whoa. Mis Mr. Garrison, you- you let them talk this way in school?
Mr. Garrison:Oh, I can't control them. The little shitheads say whatever the fuckin' hell they want. Now children, let's talk about what we're thankful for, okay. That's what Mr. Big Shot Hollywood is here for.
Cartman:I'm thankful for stuffing and pie.
Stan:You would say that, fatass!
Cartman:I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Stan:No, Jay Leno's chin is big boned! You are a big fatass!
Cartman:You sonofabitch, I'll kick you in the nuts!
Jay:Hey, Hey! Listen up! I didn't wanna come down here and talk to you foul-mouthed little brats! But those idiots at NBC, those executives, they say cute kids get us big ratings! Do you understand?! You mean money in my pocket! Shut the hell up; you talk about the joys of Thanksgiving, damnit! [the class is stunned] Now you, the fat kid!
Cartman:[subdued] Uh-I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.
Jay:I don't care! Now, what does Thanksgiving mean to you?!
Cartman:It symbolizes the Pilgrims' dinner, when they ate with the Indians, who taught them how to plant, and harvest food, and they gave thanks for the food, and for the Indians.
Jay:There! [adjusts his tie] Wehell, gu-good! But but wuh-one little thing, the politically correct term is, "Native Americans."
Stan:Whoa! Pilgrims ate Native Americans?!
Kyle:Cool! [grins]
Stan:If the Pilgrims would have had Jay Leno's chin, they could have plowed their fields with it!
Jay:Hey! Ey, that's it! Screw you little bastards, I'm goin' home! [starts to leave the classroom but walks into the flagpole, which topples over and hits a shelf on which is a bust of Washington. The bust flies off and lands on Kenny's head]
Kenny:(Oh!) [blood oozes out from under the bust]
Stan:Oh my God! Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!
Kyle:You bastard!
Jay:Oh, who cares! He dies every damn episode! Look, I'm outta here! [presses a button on the left side of his neck. Doors appear on his chin and open up. A shaft comes out, and a rotor comes out of that. Small rotor blades appear, and Jay has for himself a tiny helicopter]
Stan:Whoa! [Jay's mini helicopter rotor starts up and the blades whir away. The blades lift him off the ground and through the school roof. Pieces of the roof land in the classroom]
Cartman:I had no idea Jay Leno's chin had such magical powers.
Mr. Garrison:Boy, Hollywood people are weird.
[end of short. The class looks on]