The Guest Stars of
Cannibal! The Musical

by Wild Willie Westwood

The Miners

Alferd Packer, Shannon Bell, George Noon

Frank Miller, James Humphrey, Israel Swan

Alferd Packer told the other miners that he could lead them to the gold mines at Breckenridge, but he lead them instead to disaster. The others came to realize he was lost, but none of them knew the Colorado Territory any better. Packer was charged with murdering his fellow miners, but he claimed that it was Shannon Bell who killed the other miners. Bell shot Israel Swan after losing patience with Swan's singing and noting Frank Miller's own irritation with Swan's singing. Bell was something of a preacher. Noon was the youngest and horniest of the group. He saw the squaw Tomomi and was quite attracted to her. Miller was rather plump and usually the most vocal of the group... until Bell began losing his sanity. James Humphrey was the whiny miner who happened to carry fudge. None of the other miners ate any, though. Israel Swan was the oldest miner and the optimist of the group, but Miller and Bell got fed up with the optimism, and Bell shot him.

The Trappers

Frenchy Cabazon, Preston Nutter, O.D. Loutzenheiser

Frenchy Cabazon leads the trapper party. He becomes Packer's rival when Packer finds Liane's feed bag in the trapper camp, then finds Cabazon riding on Liane in Saguache. Cabazon explains that he found the feed bag on the way to Ouray's camp, and found Liane following him to Saguache, then says that every man in town has ridden Liane. When he goes to hang Packer on his own, the Indian Chief shows up and chops his head off. Nutter and Loutzenheiser are his fellow trappers. Loutzenheiser ends up singing off-key when the trappers sing their song.

The Law

Sheriff Wall, Sheriff of Lake City, Judge Gerry, Prosecutor Mills, Polly Pry

Sheriff Wall met Packer soon after Packer arrived at Saguache. Wall is suspicious of Packer because Packer came alone, without the rest of his party, and rumors about their fate have begun circulating. The sheriff meets Packer once again when Packer is at Dolan's saloon one night, and Wall finds out that the bodies have been discovered hafl-eaten. Wall had the chance to arrest Packer, but Packer escapes and isn't heard from again... until he's brought into Lake City for his trial. The Sheriff of Lake City has a distinctive accent. Judge Gerry got to preside over the Alferd Packer case and got to rejoice over the verdict. Judge Gerry is played by Radny Parker, Trey's father. Prosecutor Mills presented the case for hanging very well and quite persuasively, and he tried to make moves on Polly Pry, but she brushed them off. Polly is the Denver Post reporter who takes an interest in Packer's case and lobbies to overturn the conviction. After talking to him at length about the events of the Winter of 1874 she falls for him.

The Indians

Chief Ouray, Junichi, Tomomi

As you can tell, Trey didn't use real Indians in the movie. Didn't even find any. Chief Ouray warned the miners not to cross the mountains, as it was winter and the storms ahead of them would be fierce, but the miners didn't listen. He told the same thing to the trappers, but they didn't listen either. The miners left once they found out the trappers left before them. Ouray had Junichi take the miners to the other group of assholes who were already at his camp. Those assholes turned out to be the trappers. Noon sees the squaw Tomomi and falls for her instantly. They flirt for a while, but Noon realizes they really can't communicate. He leaves her behind, but has fond memories of her for the rest of his life. At the end of the movie, Ouray shows up to chop Packer's noose in two, then to chop off Cabazon's head and Liane's head.

Other Players

Voice of Doom, The Cyclops, Tiny Tim

General Store Clerk, Noon's Father, Humphrey's Father

The Voice of Doom is the official Alferd Packer lookalike. He tells the miners that they're doomed to die if they cross the Rockies during the winter. The miners pay no heed to him. The Cyclops confronts the miners for the first time when they're trying to figure out what to do with the lamb they find. He demands to know if they're scared of his left eye socket, which squirts out pus whenever he gets agitated. When the miners begin to imitate his accent, he warms up to them, thinking that they're Southerners like himself. He sings "Dixie" and waits for them to finish one of the lines. When they don't, he knows they aren't Southerners at all, and chases them away. He confronts Packer later on at the bar when he learns that Packer ate pieces of his party after they were killed. Tiny Tim's line here is the same as in A Christmas Carol. The clerk meets the miners when they come in to load up for the trek to Breckenridge. Noon's father doesn't want Noon to leave, seeing as how Noon is still so young. Humphrey's father, on the other hand, is counting on his to come back home with some gold, and so urges him on.

Odds and Ends

Liane Adamo, Chris Graves, MattCrossDressing, Trey's cousins

Liane Adamo was the woman who cheated on Trey one month away from their marriage. She began to date a fellow student who sang a capella and became an insurance salesman. She was brought in to choreograph the finale at the gallows. Chris Graves played the cowbell solo. Matt wanted to appear in the finale as well, so Trey put him in dressed as a woman, which Matt happily went along with. The three kids you see are Trey's cousins, Amber, Brianna, and Cody, who were looking at the puppet show in the finale.

Alferd Packer's stats when he first entered the penitentiary:

#1389 Al Packer

Crime - Manslaughter
Term - 40 years
County - Gunnison

Age - 38 (he was actually 43 or 44)
Height - 5'10"
Com. - Light
Eyes - Blue
Hair - Chestnut
Occu. - Harness Maker
Build - Slender
Marks and Scars
1st & 4th finger off (missing from) left hand
small scar over right eye

It's noted elsewhere that two of his front teeth were missing.