PC Principal and Strong Woman
Bob White, Mrs. White, and Crystal White
Sheila and Ike Broflovski
Mr. and Mrs. Turner
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Townsman 1 and 2
|[South Park, a rainy night. A girl screams.]|
|Crystal:||Mommy! Momm-mmy! [her bedroom door opens and her parents walk in. Her dad flicks on the lights] He's gonna get me!|
|Dad:||Honey, honey, who's gonna get you?|
|Crystal:||The President! I saw him! He's gonna get me!|
|Dad:||Crystal, the President isn't going to get you.|
|Crystal:||But I saw him!|
|Dad:||[to his wife] See what I told you? It's that liberal school she's going to, filling her head with all kinds of garbage! [to Crystal] Sweetie, the President is doing the best job he can. Your liberal school is just trying to convince you he's dangerous.|
|Crystal:||But Daddy, he's getting-|
|Dad:||Uh uh, no buts! The President is in the White House, not here trying to get you. Okay?|
|Dad:||All right. [he and Mom walk out the door, and he tells Mom] We're having a talk with that school in the morning! [trusn to Crystal] Good night, honey. [turns off the lights, and the couple go to their room. Thunder and lightning get Crystal out of bed and she goes to her window. She sees a shadow on the walkway outside. When lightning flahses, she sees it's indeed the President.]|
|Garrison:||Hey! How are my approval ratings?! [Crystal runs back to bed]|
|[Kyle's room, 8:57 p.m. He's moping at the foot of his bed.]|
|Reporter:||And the latest reports are now sayng that over a millio Canadians were killed in the nuclear blast. The bomb dropped by the U.S. Presidentt took out the entire city of Toronto, and fallout is expected to kill thousand more in the coming days. [a moment of silence follows, and Ike appears at Kyle's door.]|
|Kyle:||Ike... Ike, I'm sorry that I caused a nuclear bomb to be dropped on Canada. I was just- you know, I was just tryuing to get shows that were toxic taken down. You know, those shows can be really harmful.|
|Ike:||Ohhh, stop being a victim! Jesus Christ! [turns left and walks away. Kyle is left with his jaw droppped, then goes back to moping]|
|[South Park, Elementary, day. It's raining ouside. The Principal's office. A father is expressing his concerns]|
|Mr. White:||What I wanna know is, what gives you the right to preach your political views to myyy children?! Our daughter woke up with nightmares that the President was going to get her! Just because two liberals happen to be principal and vice-principal doesn't mean you can brainwash our kids!|
|PC Principal:||Uh, we sort of have some bigger prroblems right now, Mr. Uh...|
|Mr. White:||It's White. Bob White. You probably never even heard of our family, hunh? Well, the Whites have been here since the beginning?! Not that it matters, 'cause no one cares about the Whites Sre, everyone else has problems, but does anyone ask the Whites how they're doing?!|
|Strong Woman:||Mr. White, we assure you that we run this school in a very [glances at PC Principal] professional manner and don't let [glances again] personal emotions get in the way. [glances again. He looks back, and their eyes are locked]
||Mr. White:||Oh, sure you don't! You know how hard I had to fight to even get this meeting with you?! "Oh, who wants to talk to the administration? Oh, it's just the Whites? Oh, who cares about the Whites? They're fine!" Well, we've just about had with the administration [a song plays that drowns out Mr. White's rant: Barbara Mandrell - "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right"] And damnit, we won't be ignored!
||Mrs. White:||[hearing the song somehow] I'm sorry, is anyone else hearing "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right" very very quietly?
||Strong Woman:||Doh-huh, NO. Mr. and Mrs. White, we promise that we will not let anything happen that might bring the integrity of this school into question.
||Mr. White:||Guess that's all the Whites can hope for these days.
||[South Park, night. Someone is riding a bike in the rain. It's Tweek. He notices something off to his left - a red balloon - on which is written "Make America Great Again." The balloon pops, revealing President Garrison.]
||Garrison:||How are my approgal ratings?
||Tweek:||It's the President! Gaaahhh! [rides away quickly[
||Garrison:||Wait! Come back! What's wrong?
||[Sepcial Report, with Bill Keegan]
||Bill Keegan:||Still no word from the President as his Splatty Tomato approval rating drops to an unprecedented 3%. This puts the President four points below Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature. Meanwhile, the Canandian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau called upon Canadians to stand strong.
||Justin Trudeau:||[stands behind a tattered pudium with a Canadian flag on it.] Make no mistake, America! If you do not hand over your President, there will be war the likes of which you have never seen! Canadians will rise together! I call on all Canaians here and abroad to stand with their country! The U.S. President must answer for his crime, and only Canada can bring him to justice! [Trudeau himself was bombed, as he is charred and tattered as well. Ike, having seen the broadcast, gets angry and walks off]
||[A bus bench, day. Craig and Tweek sit on it, Tweek shivering from his encounter with the President. Tweek grumbles]
||Craig:||[pats him on the shoulder] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
||Tweek:||I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
||Kyle:||[he and Stan walk up with their bikes] What's going on?
||Craig:||Tweek's having a panic attack.
||Tweek:||It was real! He tried to get me!
||Tweek:||The President! [Stan looks away, as if Tweek's statement hit close to home]
||Craig:||It's jsut your imagination, Tweek.
||Stan:||It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
||Kyle:||You saw the President?
||Stan:||Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be"
||Heidi:||"The President?" [she and Cartman walk up with their bikes] I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"
||Token:||"How are my approval ratings?" [walks up with his bike] I saw him too.
||Stan:||Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-
||Randy:||[rides up on his bike] Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
||Craig:||But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
||Cartman:||Just like that movie It.
||Randy:||You saw It too?
||Cartman:||Yeah, I saw It in the theater.
||Token:||I saw Stranger Things AND It.
||Randy:||Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face a few seconds later.] Aw!
||[Town meeting, night. A crowd has gathered inside, and all the townsfolk are talking]
||Mayor McDaniels:||All right, people. People, please! We need everyone to try and stay calm.
||Townsman 1:||How can we stay calm while the President's out there scaring our children?!
||Mayor McDaniels:||Look, we all want the Presidet out of here. It's just a matter of how we do it. I know you all want to get rid of him.
||Bob:||That's not true! The Whites still support the President.
||Randy:||Oh, for fuck's sake, White, he's running around eating our pets and terrorizing our kids!
||Bob:||You think Hillary would have been any better?!
||Townsfolk:||Aw! Come on! Sit down, Bob!
||Bob:||[sits down] I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin'.
||Mayor McDaniels:||Listen, everyone. I have a team right now that's trying to locate the President, and I'd like you to hear from Officer Bright, who's leading the search. [the officer adjusts his pants and walks up to the podium]
||Officer Bright:||Hey folks, we know you're all uh concerned, but I wanna assure you that we're doing everything we can to track the President down. Since the President was given a Splatty Tomato he's beome very desperate and very dangerous. If you see the President, do not approach him. Do not try to reason with him. Most imortantly, remember that this is the President, so you cannot shoot him. All right? You can't even talk about shooting him. Don't even... do any coy, satirical takes on shooting him. [the room stays silent] Okay, good. What we're tryin' to do here is just get the President to go away. We're gonna be handing out padlocks like this one [lifts one up for display] so everyone can lock up their garbage. If we don't feed the President, hopefully he'll just move on. Are there any questions?
||Townsman 2:||Can we talk about a friend shooting him if it's in sort of a sarcastic way?
||Officer Bright:||Nuh No, no. Now, ih ih, it's just best to avoid that kind of talk altogether. Remember, they can do to you what they did to Kathy Griffin.
||Randy:||Make her not funny for thirty years?
||Officer Bright:||That's right, so best thing is just lock up your garbage and see if we can get the President to... go away.
||[South Park, night. An officer is tacking posters of missing Ike onto community boards throughout town. Stan, Cartman, Heidi, Craig, and Tweek watch as the officer finishes his work on one particular board and moves on]
||Stan:||Jesus. Now kids are going missing.
||Tweek:||We're all going to be missing soo-hoon! Nyaaarg!
||Stan:||[notices Kyle across the street walking by] Kyle! [the kids walk up to him]
||Kyle:||It's my fault. Ike went to go take matters into his own hands. I have to find him.
||Craig:||We'll help you.
||Stan:||We'll all help you.
||Cartman:||Guys, this could be really dangerous.
||Heidi:||You're not going! You promised tonight we'd have a date night!
||Cartman:||Darling, this is a little more pressing than date night.
||Heidi:||Oh, great! So Kyle's stupid brother goes missing and I get fucked! How come I'm always the one gettign shit on around here?!
||Kyle:||I don't anyone to go with me.
||Heidi:||Oh, what's the matter, Kyle?! Don't want me around 'cause you had the hots for me and I shot you down?!
||Kyle:||I would NEVER have the hots for the person you are now. [this surprises Heidi]
||Stan:||Come on, you guys. Look, we all know what we're supposed to do now. We all saw It. AND Stranger Things. We need to get our backpacks and go out to woods and save the town from evil to some kick ass 80's music! [the others smile in agreement]
||[Buca de Faggoncini, rainy day. PC Principal and Strong Woman enter the restaurant with Student of the Day Butters]
||Server:||Hello, joining us for lunch today?
||PC Principal:||Yh yes. We're here with our student of the day to reward him lunch with the principal and vice-principal.
||Strong Woman:||We have a reservation.
||Server:||Okay, last name?
||Strong Woman:||[rolls her eyes and says with soem exasperation] Strong.
||Server:||Ah yes, Strong Woman. Here we are. We hace a nice booth set up for you.
||[A booth, moments later. Butters looks happy to be there wtih is principal and vice-principal, but she's worried about how they will look to others]
||Strong Woman:||We can't keep doing this. People are gonna see through it.
||PC Principal:||Is it my fault that I found the most amazing, perfect, beautiful woman at work?
||Strong Woman:||Nobody will understand.
||PC Principal:||Maybe they will. We're coworkers who are in love. You really think that's gonna bother people?
||Butters:||Well, shall we order now?
||[The White house, rainy day. Thunder rumbles across the sky. Mr. White steps outside with some treats in a dog bowl. He whistles for something to come get it.]
||Randy:||What are you doing, Bob?
||Randy:||Have you been putting food out for the President?
||Bob:||Naw, I was just uh... taking these finger sandwiches out to the trash.
||Randy:||We all agreed not to feed him so he'd go away!
||Bob:||We didn't all agree, you all agreed! Nobody asked the Whites how they felt! Nobody cares what the Whites have to say!
||Randy:||Bob,ome on. You have to know it's not safe to have him here.
||Bob:||In two thousand and three, Hillary Clintion admitted to taking funds for her foundation from foreign diplomats!
||Randy:||What's that got to do with anything, Bob? Come on!
||Bob:||It's fucking true!
||Randy:||Bob, if Canada finds out the President is hiding here, they are going to nuke us! He needs to go!
||Bob:||Hillary wouldn't have been any better!
||Randy:||Give me the finger sandwhiches.
||Bob:||Fine! Go ahea and take the Whites' sandwiches! They've taken eerything else! [goes back inside the house]
||[The woods outside town, day. The six kids walk along a path there looking for Garrison. "The Super Bowl Shuffle" is playing]
||Stan:||Dude, this is '80s music?
||Craig:||[takes out his phone, in which the song is playing] Yeah, it's Pandora, '80s channel.
||Stan:||Well, just skip to the next song, man. We're trying to get psyched to destroy evil. We need better '80s music than that. [Craig skips to the next song, which is "Gloria." The kids soon cross over Freemont Bridge. Heidi remembers what she did here and stops to look over the river.]
||Cartman:||Heidi? Honey, what are you doing?
||Heidi:||This is the place. This is the place where I ended it all, remember? This is where I threw my phone off the bridge and quite Twitter for good. I was so different then. [she imagines her old self holding the phone] So naive and hopeful. [imagines her old self throwing the phone off the bridge]
||Cartman:||Yes, honey. Now, can we get going, please?
||Heidi:||I'm sorry! I'm trying to have a monent here?! This is where our whole relationship started, asshole!
||Cartman:||Yes, it's very touching, sweetheart. I love you so much. [closes his eyes for a moment] I'm sorry about this, you guys.
||Heidi:||[imagines herself and her old self looking at each other] I remember... feeling like I had nobody. Skinny bitch.
||Kyle:||We need to keep going, guys. [the other kids keep up with him, but Heidi stays in her moment]
||[Myor McDaniels' office. ]
||Mayor McDaniels:||Don't ttell me you haven't gotten the President out of here.
||Officer Bright:||We haven't gotten the President out of here. And there's some worse news. A bunch of kids have gone missing.
||Mayor McDaniels:||[stands up] What?
||Officer Bright:||I think we have to assume that the President has... eaten them. [Mrs. Tweek cries on Mr. Tweek's arms]
||Mayor McDaniels:||Why are you here talking to me instead of trying to find the President?!
||Officer Bright:||Don't worry, we're close. He's out in the woods somewhere, and we've set up a fox trap.
||Mayor McDaniels:||A fox trap?
||[The woods, day. A rat runs across a fallen tree trunk. The President pops up behind the trunk, sees the mouse, grabs it, and eats it live. He looks around and runs away from the trunk. He notices a clearing - a Fox News set in the middle of the forest.]
||Garrison:||Oh, it's Fox News. Maybe they'll listen to me. [makes a fist] They'll get my side of the story right! [walks towards it, but is stopped by a whistle. The Whites appear behind some bushes. Bob whistles again.]
||Bob:||[whispering] It's a trap! [motioms for the President to get away from the clearing]
||Bob:||i>[whispering] It's a Fox trap. Mr. President!
||Garrison:||[looks at the set again and whispers] Oh... [turns around and walks back the way he came] Thank God for the Whites.
||[A different part of the woods, past Freemont Bridge, next to a lake. The kids walk mear tje water's edge listening to "Hold On To The Night"]
||Stan:||Dude, come on, this is not kickass '80s music!
||Craig:||[whips out his phone again] Hold On To The Night, Richard Marx, 1988.
||Tweek:||Do we really need music?
||Stan:||Yeah. Craig just has the wrong stuff. Forget your Pandora. I'm doing it with Spotify. '80s music. 'Kay, there. ["Pac-Man Fever" begins to play]
||Craig:||Oh yeah, that's better.
||Kyle:||Can we go, please?! [the kids start walking again, and soon reach Jimbo's shack] Here it is. [goes up the steps and opens the door.] Ike?
||Heidi:||Wait a minute. Isn't this the place you brought me before? The place you said your friends smashed your phone and computer? [turns around and faces him] I remember I felt so bad for you. We used to sit in the park and talk for hours. How come we never do that anymore?!
||Cartman:||Aw fuck, here we go.
||Heidi:||"Here we go" what?! You used to be so nice to me!
||Cartman:||[retorts] You used to be nice to me!
||Heidi:||I tried! But then you started rolling your eyes every time I tried to talk to you!
||Kyle:||He's not here either.
||Craig:||Dude, maybe your brother didn't even go looking for the President.
||Kyle:||Dude, you don't understand Canadians. They're fiercely loyal to their country. When Canada is attacked, they all join in the fight.
||[The woods, yet another part, day. Ike is riding on a St. Bernard and is dressed like a Cznadian Mountie. He takes out some binoculars to get a better look at his surroundings. He then gets off his St. Mernard and begins collecting stool samples, breaks them to get the aroma, and walks away]
||[The woods, day. The adults have their flashlights out. Randy leads the way]
||Jimbo:||[runs up] Randy! Randy!
||Jimbo:||They've got him! They found the President! [he and Randy run off to the spot of the sighting]
||Officer Bright:||We found his hideout. [in the distance there's a pot cooking over a fire pit, a tent, some full trash bags, and a roll of toilet paper] Someone's gotta go flush him out. I'll be ready to trap him.
||Randy:||I'll do it.
||Officer Bright:||Hey hey! Just remember, he's been eatin' animals an' llivin' like a monster. Just... prepare yourself for what you're about to see. [Randy blinks, then goes forth. He reaches the tent and looks inside. He sees PC Principal and Strong Woman under the sheets having sex]
||Strong Woman:||Oh my God!
||Randy:||What the? Principal and Vice-Principal?
||Strong Woman:||I told you we couldn't hide!
||Randy:||But... but you two work toge- You two work together-BLEUGH! [vomits, then leaves the tent to vomit some more.]
||Roger:||Hey, what the hell's goin' on?!
||Linda Black:||Who's together?
||Randy:||The Principal and the Vice-Principal!
||Richard Tweek:||They can't be together, they're coworkers. [as he says this, PC Principal and Strong Woman emerge from the tent, and he vomits hard]
||Officer Bright:||Wait wait wait, you mean he's actually her superior, and they were in there-? [vomits. Randy vomits some more, then Linda Stotch vomits]
||Mr. White:||Who would want to put their penis in a coworker? [vomits soon after. The adults vomit some more]
||[The woods, past Freemont Bridge, The kids keep walking as "Queen of Hearts" plays]
||Kyle:||Oh my God! Look! [sees Ike's binoculars and goes to retrieve them] These are Ike's toy binoculars. He was here. Ike!
||Heidi:||I remember this place too. This is where you brought me on Halloween. Remember?
||Cartman:||Yes, darling. Wasn't it reomantic?
||Heidi:||No, it wasn't romantic! There was a witch and you had me dress up as Gretel and... you were trying to get me killed!
||Cartman:||Sweetheard, you made me late to the pumpkin patch, remember? I was hurt.
||Heidi:||You were hurt! You were the victim!
||Cartman:||I'm glad you understand.
||Skinny Heidi:||Who turned you into this, Heidi?
||Heidi:||Shut up. Skinny-ass bitch! You don't know anything!
||Cartman:||Heidi, I think spooky walk in the woods is making you lose it a little bit.
||Stan:||Guys? [the kids turn towards Stan and find themselves looking at the President]
||Garrison:||[several seconds later] I'm seriously dehydrated and starving. I'm pretty sick of this shit, so you'd better-whoa! [trips on a rope that triggers a trap which scoops him up and traps him. ike sits on a tree limb making sure the trap doesn't unravel.]
||[South Park Community Center. The adults have reconvened there. Mr. Turner and Mr. Tucker pore over a regional map of South Park]
||Mr. Turner:||Have we already done a search of this area? Maybe Heidi went there with her boyfriend.
||Mrs. Turner:||She would have called by now.
||Laura:|| I just talked to the McCormicks. They haven't seen Tweek or Craig since yesterday. [the community center doors open and in walks the search party, led by Randy]
||Sharon:||Randy! [Randy steps forward] Did you find anything?
||Randy:||[lowers his hoodie] Sharon, I... I, ah...
||Sharon:|| What is it? What did you find?
||Randy:||Eh. Er uh, uh.
||Sharon:||Tell me! You have to tell me! [behind him, Office Bright loewrs his hat and puts it over his heart] oh God, what did you see?!
||Randy:||You don't want to know.
||Sharon:||You have to tell me. I can take it! Did you find our son's arm?! Did you find him torn apart?! What?!
||Randy:||The Principal and the Vice-Principal are like... together. [Sharon vomits all over him] Aaaawwwwwwww! [wipes her vomit from his face. A bugle is heard outside. The adults go to look, and see Ike riding on a St. Bernard with the President tied down to a sled behind him, with mouth duck-taped shut. The adult all go outside]
||Officer Bright:||It's the President! [all applaud]
||Sharon:||Stan, you're okay!
||Stan:||Yeah. We're okay
||Officer Bright:||We got 'im. We got the somofabitch. [Bob comes up behind him and takes his gun, and aims it at him]
||Bob:||Get back! Everyone back! Do it now! [Stan, Kyle, Ike, Craig, and Tweek go back to their families] Get over here, family!
||Randy:||Bob, for the love of Pete, our country is about to go to war!
||Bob:||[the rest of the family joins him] You wanna know where there's a war?! There's a war on Christmas! Nobody cares about that! 'Cause guess who loves Christmas?! The Whites! At least this man is trying to save Christmas!
||Garrison:||[muffled voice] That's true.
||Randy:||He's not saving Christmas, Bob. He's runniing around scaring scaring your kids and shitting in the woods.
||Randy:||Come on, Bob. What's best for your daughter? I mean, really?
||Heidi:||[runs up to Bob and takes the gun] You peice of shit! [runs up to Cartman with the gun aimed at him. Cartman puts his arms up] This was all your fault! You controlled me and manipulated me, and turned me into this!
||Cartman:||Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay?
||Heidi:||I used to be kind. I used to be caring. But then you! YOU! [thinks a moment] No, not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim... become a way of life. [walks away from Cartman] If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. [turns to face him] Eric, I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.
||Cartman:||Honey, don't be ridiculous.
||Heidi:||I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.
||Cartman:||Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.
||Heidi:||Yes, I am. It's over.
||Cartman:||I'm afraid i can't let you do that, sweetheart! Step back! [snatches the gun from her and aims it at his head] I'll do it, I swear to God!
||Heidi:||It's not gonna work this time, Eric.
||Cartman:||You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Go on, everybody. Eric, we don't want you to die.
||Heidi:||Sorry. You can be the victim. I can't. [turns around and walks away, determined not to look back]
||Cartman:||Heidi?! Heidi, I'm going to do it! Here we go! Heidi, are you seriously?! [a woman shrieks, and everyone's attention turns to Ike, who's standing alone now. The crowd gathers around him]
||Officer Bright:||He broke free.
||Jimbo:||The President is on the loose again.
||Officer Bright:||He'll be even more desperatte now. It's goin' to get worse.
||Stan:||We can't destroy him, can we.
||Randy:||I don't know. I guess... it's up to the Whites.
||[End of Splatty Tomato.]