Episode 2107 - Doubling Down

Cast:

Cartman
Kyle
Stan
Heidi
Token
Bebe
Isla
Wendy
Annie
Butters
Jimmy
Lola
Millie
Theresa
Nichole
Red
Steve and Linda Black
Liane Cartman
President Garrison
Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell
Member Berries
Anchor Bill Keegan
Reporter


[Heidi's house, night. She's in her room, in bed, but can't sleep. She has her phone with her, on her bed, as if waitiing for a call. Well, the call comes in and she picks up. It's Cartman, of whom she has a wallpaper on her phone. She sighs and answers.]
Heidi:[expectantly] Yes, Eric?
Cartman:[subbing uncontrollably] Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!-
Heidi:Eric, this isn't working.
Cartman:Heid- Heidi, no, please! Heidi, Heidi, I would be nothing without you, okay? I'm sorry. Okay? Please!
Heidi:You called me a whore and pushed me in front of a car.
Cartman:Heidi, I was in a bad mood! I told you, that's what happens after I eat! My blood sugar spikes and I get all anxious, and then I crash!
Heidi:Eric, you just can't keep being mean to me and blaming it on your blood sugar.
Cartman:But ih, but it's true, Heidi! It's all my mom's fault. She feeds me all this crap, and my body doesn't know how to process it. Mom! Mom!
Liane:Yes, hon?
Cartman:You fucked up my life, Mom! Fuck you! How could you feed me like that, you bitch?! Get outta here!
Heidi:Eric, if blood sugar is really the problem, then you need to change how you ear, right?
Cartman:Right. Like, whattaya whattaya mean?
Heidi:Eric, every time I've talked to you about maybe being a vegan with me, you just tell me vegans are pussies. But then you try and blame food and your mom for being-
Cartman:It is the food, and it is my mom, Heidi! It is! I wanna be vegan with you! I need your help to show me how. Please, Heidi. I need you right now, more than ever. I wand to do this. Please!
Heidi:You really mean it?
Cartman:Yes, Heidi! That's how much I love you! I'm vegan from now non.
Heidi:All right, Eric. We'll see how this goes, okay? See you tomorrow.
Cartman:Okay. Okay, bye, honey. [hangs up]
[The cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at their usual table chatting, and Cartman looks pissed again]
Cartman:That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!
Jimmy:Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh Eric?
Cartman:She's not a girlfriend! She's a controlling, manipulative whore!
Kyle:That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!
Cartman:That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!
Heidi:[approaching] Hey babe.
Cartman:Oh hey babe, what's going on?
Heidi:What are you up to?
Cartman:Nothin', just tellin' the guys how awesome it is to be vegan.
Heidi:That's great. You wanna come eat with me? I can explain what I packed.
Cartman:Yeah, sure. That sounds awesome. [he leaves with her]
Kyle:I don't get it. I just really don't get it. How is she still supporting him?!
Stan:She loves him, I guess.
Kyle:But he clearly sucks! She has to know he sucks. What the hell is going on?!
Butters:Well, it's not our problem.
Kyle:It is our problem. This is affecting us! Our whole school. The's got to be a reason she sticks by him.
[After school. The bell rings and kids pour out of the building.]
Kyle:[spots her and runs up] Oh Heidi? Heidi, you got a sec?
Heidi:Oh. Hey Kyle.
Kyle:Hey. Uh, listen, uh... I-I know you and Cartman have an anniversary coming up and, I was just wondering, you know, um. How do you think he's doing? Aaas a boyfriend.
Heidi:Well, whattaya mean?
Kyle:Well, you know, like, some of us are thinkiing that, uh, maybe he's not super-qualified to be with you?
Heidi:Oh, God, not you too.
Kyle:Just, like, what are the things about Cartman that you find rrrremotely rrrredeeming?
Heidi:Look, don't you think I get it enough from my girlfriends? "He sucks, Heidi. What's wrong with you? Why can't you admit he's a loser? How could anyone ever go with him?" I was just following my heart. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?
Kyle:Yyou don't have to get defensive. I just-
Heidi:[gets in his face] Who's being defensive?! He's great! We're doing great! I didn't make a bad decision! I don't need you to stand there and say "I told you so!" [turns around and walks off]
Kyle:I didn't say "I... [she whips around again] told you-"
Heidi:[jabs a finger at him] You know, you don't know what Eric's like when we're alone, okay? He's actually reallly good to me. [turns around and walks away]
Kyle:Wooo-wow.
[Heidi's house, day. Cartman is at the front door knocking insistently. Heidi walks to it and opens it]
Cartman:Heidi! [walks in with a bag of food] Oh my God, you're not gonna believe this.
Heidi:What?
Cartman:You were so right [Heidi closes the door] when you said there were vegan options for everything. [puts the food on the table] Remember how you told me about Beyond Meat?
Heidi:Yeah, the vegan meat that's made with all vegetables and plants.
Cartman:Well, I tried it and you were right. You can't even tell the difference between that and real meat.
Heidi:Really? That's great, babe.
Cartman:So now I've been trying all kinds of vegan foods. You gotta try this. It's called Beyond KFC.
Heidi:Oh wow.
Cartman:It's all plant based, soy protein, and just- y-you gotta taste it. Just try it.
Heidi:[tries a breaded breast] It tasted just like KFC.
Cartman:I know, right?! Isn't that crazy?! [eats another breaded breast] Like, like seriously, how can you even tell that this was vegan? Try the, try the Beyond Mashed Potatoes and Gravy too. [] They say you can even drink the Beyond Gravy by itself as like a prottein boost. [eats some more of his breast while she eats the mashed potatoes and gravy] I don't know about you, but I could eat this every day.
Heidi:Yeah, it's really good.
Cartman:[narrowing his eyes to slits] Delicious.
[South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings as students go to their lockers to switch out books. As the boys - Stan, Kenny and Butters - walk down the hallway, Kyle catches up to them. Token joins them as well]
Heidi:Guys, listen: I think I know why Heidi won't admit Cartman's a horrible boyfriend.
Stan:Dude, are you still on this?
Heidi:Yeah! It's important.
Butters:Maybe she's telling the truth, Kyle. Maybe Eric really does love and support her in ways that we don't see.
Cartman:[running up to them] You guys! You guys! Have you seen Heidi? [walks on past them]
Stan:No.
Cartman:Well uh, we've been trying some different foods lately and uh, [turns around] Heidi's put on some pounds, you guys.
Token:Heidi's getting fat?
Cartman:Yeah, Token. Don't start rippin' on me for havin' a fat girlfriend, all right? Just try and be cool about it. [smiles]
Heidi:[walks up behind him] Hey babe.
Cartman:Oh, hey hey hey, Heidi. What's goin' on? [a surprised look flashes on his face]
Heidi:I-ah, I'm not feeling the best again. [Cartman smiles again] I might see if my mom can come pick me up.
Cartman:Pick you up? That could be tough. [a shot at the boys, who just look blankly at him and Heidi. Kyle, though, is not amused]
Heidi:I, I know, but I just feel bloated. I think there might have been something bad in that Beyond Arby's.
Cartman:Yeah, well, cool, babe. Maybe you should uh, just waddle on down to the nurse's office. [the surprised look flashes on his face again, then disappears]
Heidi:Can you come wtih? [reaches out her left hand]
Cartman:Oh sure. [they turn around and walk away, but Cartman looks over his shoulder and points at Heidi's bloated figure]
Kyle:We have to help that girl. Can't you see what's happening?
Stan:Kyle, it's none of our business.
Kyle:You're wrong. In a way... I think we're all going out with Cartman right now.
[The Oval Office, day. The President is on the phone]
Garrison:Uh huh. Yeah, I understand that, faggot. And you should understand how my balls are gonna taste when your country starts needing money. I don't give two shits about a treaty. You're a Polish midget. [A knock is heard at the doors] Come in. [three advisers come in - Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell - and Garrison gets back on the phone.] Uh huh. Hang, uh hang on. I'm gonna call you back. Yeah, go fuck yourself, retard. [hangs up]
Mitch McConnell:Mr. President, we have a problem. People are pretty upset.
Garrison:Hoh, don't tell me people are still made about that nigger thing.
Mike Pence:It's pronoucned Niger Mr. President. And it's a country in Africa.
Garrison:Oh, aren't we fancy. Okay, I don't want a bunch of Nigers in Africa aiding terrorists.
Paul Ryan:Mr. President, you need to be a little more careful. There's an investigation. A worker with ties to Russia was found raped and executed.
Garrison:Raped and executed? Oh, you mean fucked to death? Oh yeah, that was me.
McConnell:Mr. President, people are starting to qestion your oath to the office.
Garrison:My oath to the office was that I would fuck everyone to death, remember?
Member berries:Ooo, I 'member. Me too, I 'member. I 'member that.
Garrison:[to the berries] You guys be quiet [to his advisers], and you guys just get out there and put a positive spin on this whole thing.
McConnell:How are we supposed to put a positive spin on it?
Ryan:It's getting pretty hard to keep defending you. Maybe it's time we put our foot down.
Garrison:Oooo. [whips out a remote control and presses a button on it, making the doors close and lock automatically. The advisers turn to see this] Hope you brought some condoms.
[The school gym, day. Most of the girls are in vollyball practice, but six of them are in the bleachers. The side gym doors open and Kyle walks in. The girls stop practice only when he gets onto the court. He holds his hands up. The girls are not happy to see him.]
Kyle:Hello. I know things have been difficult between us lately. I know you think all boys are sort of pigs, but just know that a lot of us boys think girls are amazing and smart and beautiful. [dead air] Not, not like hot-beautiful, I mean like inside-beautiful. I, I'm not saying you're hot. You're not, you're not hot. I'm not saying you're ugly. It doesn't matter- you're all hot on the insde. If we could all just see inside you, it would be hot. [realizes he's out on a limb] Oh, shit.
Wendy:What do you want, Kyle?
Kyle:It's Heidi Turner. You guys shouldn't criticize her so much for going with Cartman.
Annie:Why not? Eric Cartman is a horrible person.
Kyle:I know! I I know that, okay? Trust me, I hate Cartman as much as any of you, but just, give her some space, you know? You can't keep on saying "We told you so," because if you make her feel dumb, she just doubles down and tries to prove herself that it wasn't dumb.
Nichole:Why do you care? Do you like Heidi?
Kyle:No!
Theresa:Oh my God, he so likes Heidi.
Lola:Obvi.
Kyle:No I don't! ...Do I?
[The school hallway, day. Kyle is sitting on some steps surprised at his fondness for Heidi showingn through.]
Butters:[walks up to him] Hey, Kyle. Hey, I was thinkin' about what you said. How we should all help Heidi break up with Eric? You're right, it's our moral obligation.
Kyle:Yeah, no, we're not getting involved with that.
Butters:Oh, we're not?
Kyle:[stands up]Yeah, no, yeah, I uh dya, I think we need to stay out of it. [walks away]
Butters:Oh. Okay then.
[Cartman's locker, moments later. Cartman is switching out books when Kyle walks up to him]
Kyle:Cartman, can we talk?
Cartman:Sure, Kyle. What's up? [brings out a harness and puts it on]
Kyle:I just, I hope that maybe you can realize what you have with Heidi and, and just try to be good to her, okay?
Cartman:Kyle, let me tell you something about relationships. There's always two sides, okay? You compromise, she compromises. Sometimes you criticize each other, but it's all part of trying to make each other better. [picks up a big drum and straps it onto the harness, then picks up some dromsticks] Someday, maybe you'll have a girlfriend and you'll understand. Oh, here she comes. [at the far end of the hallway, Heidi rounds the corner and walks towards them, and Cartman starts beating the drum] BOOM baba BOOM baba. Clear the hallway everyone, Heidi's comin' through.
Heidi:[walks up to Cartman] Wha, what are you doing, Eric?
Cartman:I was just practicing marching bass drum for my buddy Kyle. It's his favorite.
Heidi:Oh, okay. Um, are we still on for lunch?
Cartman:You betcha, can't wait.
Heidi:Okay, see ya. [walks away]
Cartman:[resumes the drum beat] BOOM baba BOOM baba BOOM!
[Breaking news]
Anchor Bill Keegan:Some concern over the President's competency again today. It was during a Middle East peace conference when the President referred to the peoplel of Saudi Arabia as a bunch of "dirty sand Nigers." Though the comments seem divisive, Speakerof the House, Paul Ryan, says he's sticking by his President 100%. [next shot is of Paul Ryan with a black eye staiend with semen.]
Reporter:Speaker Ryan, it's the annniversary of the President being elected. How do you think he's doing?
Ryan:Well whattaya mean? He's great. We're doing great. A lot of people judge him and just see the negative. People don't know how great the President can be behind closed doors. They don't get to see all his good qualities.
Reporter:Uh huh. And is that semen on your black eye?
Ryan:Oh. No, I-uh I tripped on a doorknob and uh that's just, that's doorknob cum.
[The school gym, day. Heidi is all alone there, sitting on the bottom bleacher lost in thought. Kyle sees her from one end of the court. He sighs quietly and walks up to her]
Kyle:You doin' okay, Heidi?
Heidi:I keep thinking Eric's going to change.
Kyle:[sits next to her and sighs] Heidi, people like Cartman, they always make things someone else's fault. We all wrongly see ourselves as the victims sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time. He'll always find someone to blame for his shortcomings, and because of that, he's never gonna change.
Heidi:Before we started going out I was in a really bad place. I felt... pushed away by society. Then this guy came along who told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I just went with it. Does that make me a bad person? [Rihanna - "Unfaithful" begins to play]
Kyle:No, Heidi. Good people make bad decisions every day.
Heidi:I've been defending him for so long. I don't know how I'm gonna face people if I finally give up. [next scene is Heidi looking through her scrapbook at the memories she and Cartman created together. His discomfort begins to show in the fourth picture. She closes the book, and her location is shown - she's in bed. Next scene shows her at her locker putting books away when she notices someone looking at her. It's Kyle, looking at her from his locker. He then puts his books into his locker. Next scene shows Heidi and Cartman at the park bench, where she leaves him and he grabs onto her leg to delay her departure. Next scene has Kyle receiving a letter from Heidi. He reads it and smiles. Next scene has Garrison and Xi Jinping holding a news conference, and three bar patrons back at home turning away and crying. Next scene shows the Turners having dinner at a restaurant, in a booth by the window]
Cartman:[sobbing outside the window] Please Heidi! [he pounds on the window a few times before finally sliding down to the ground. Her parents are stunned. Next scene shows Kyle and Heidi on the swings chatting away]
[Token's house, night. A light snow is falling when Cartman knocks on Token's door. Token answers and Cartman breaks out in tears]
Cartman:Hei-... Hei- Hei- Hei-, Hei- .... Hei- [Token slams the door on him. Seconds later the doorbell rings. Token goes back to answer it] Hei-, Hei-, Hei-
Token:[not happy] Whattaya want?
Cartman:Hei, Hei, Heidi broke up with me, Token.
Token:So?
Cartman:I have nothing now, Token. She was my whole world. Can, can I just stay here with you, please?
Token:What?! Why?! You still have a house!
Cartman:I know how you feel now, Token. To be pissed off at the world. To feel completely screwed over by society. I totally get it now. I wanna do what you guys do and go disrespect the flag and flip over cars and stuff. [Again, Token slams the door on him. Again the doorbell rings, and again Token goes to answer it] Token, pleeease! I'm sorry for everything! I really understand now how you guys feel! Please, what time is your family gonna go disrespect the flag and stuff? I wanna go with!
Token:Get outta here!
Linda:[appears behind Token] What's going on?
Token:[upset with Cartman] Nothing, Mom.
Cartman:Heidi broke up with meeeeee.
Linda:Token, he's freezing. [to Cartman] Come on in out of the snow.
Cartman:[entering] Thank youuuu.
Token:...NO!!
[The White house. Paul Ryan opens a door and looks both ways down the hallway and closes the door. He's got a folder with him as he joins two other men in the dark.]
Ryan:Okay, we're safe to talk.
Pence:It's not safe! Nowhere is safe, don't you understand?! We're all about to get killed!
Ryan:Sshh, keep your voices down! Look at this!
Pence:What are all thses numbers?
Ryan:Teh latest approval ratings. I've been researching our own independent poll. The President is tanking. These numbers are so low that we just might have an out. Well, don't you guys see what this means?
McConnell:I don't know anything, I'm just a turtle.
Ryan:It means that the swing voters are turning against him. It's those people that matter. Those are the ones who can finally turn this thing around!
McConnell:And then we don't have to get killed! We can't let the President know about this. just let him- [the door opens]
Garrison:[walks in] What are you guys talkin' about?
Pence:No, nothing, Mr. President.
Ryan:Nothing!
McConnell:No, nope!
Garrison:Just havin' a little chat or somethin'?
Pence:[looks at the folder Pence is holding, takes it, and walks over to the President] It's an opinion poll, Mr. President. Your numbers are down and I wanted to show you so you could do something.
Ryan:Oh, you bitch! [to the President] I was the one who researched the poll, Mr. President!
Garrison:Let me see that. [takes the folder and leafs through it] Huh. Isn't that interesting? But it's not a problem. See, I know something about societal psychology that you three turd balls don't. Everything's gonna be fine.
[Token's house, night. Cartman is eating dinner with them, still sniffling]
Cartman:So... You guys about done with the soup?
Linda:Don't you like it, Eric?
Cartman:Well yeah, no, it's great. It's just- well, what time do you guys usually go out and disrespect the flag and stuff?
Steve:What?
Cartman:Oh no... Don't tell me you guys already disrespected the flag and flipped over cars today. Did I miss it?
Steve:What the hell are you talking about?!
Token:I told you not to let him in.
Cartman:Please, I don't know what to do with all this anger and hurt!
Linda:I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, Eric, but... maybe you'll get back together.
Cartman:No, no, we've broken up before, but this time it's different. I can tell. Something's changed with her. Heidi won't even snwer my phone calls.
Steve:Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter?
Cartman:Yeah...
Steve:I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.
Cartman:[sadness switches to anger in a flash] What?
Steve:I saw them at the park today holding hands.
Cartman:[dramatic music begins] Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance perfomred by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scenen shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Token's mansion] Kyle...
Steve:Yeah, Kyle.
[South Park Elelentary, day. The school day begins as the last students walk in. Kyle walks down the hallway minding his own business when a scream makes him apprehensive]
Cartman:KYLE! [the other kids in the hallway clear the way as Cartman appears at the end of the hallway behind Kyle. Dramatic Western showdonw music plays] I should have known. You lying snake!
Kyle:[turns around] Cartman, I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did.
Cartman:Did it bother you that I was happy?! Is that why you took her from me, Kyle?!
Kyle:Cartman, you weren't happy.
Cartman:Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle:All you did was bitch about her all the time.
Cartman:You're not gonna talk your way out of this one! This is the end, Kyle! It's you and me!
Kyle:Come on, Cartman. I-
Cartman:[slams Kyle into the lockers] You took everything from me!
Kyle:Stop it!
Cartman:All you've ever done is work to ruin my life! Well now I'm finally gonna fight back!
Butters:Fuck him up, Eric!
Cartman:[goes in for the attack] Aaah! [Kyle delivers a punch] Ugh! [Cartman does down like a sack of potatoes] Fuck you, Kyle!
Kyle:I'm sorry, Cartman. You just have to accept that Heidi's moved on.
[Buca de Faggoncini, night. The girls have taken Heidi out for dinner]
Theresa:Guys, I just wanna say, here's to Heidi. Welcome back to the land of the living.
The other girls:Yay Heidi!
Heidi:[giggles] Thanks, guys. Thanks for taking me out. This is really fun.
Red:No worries. We're just glad you finally came to your senses.
Annie:Yeah, no kidding. We seriously thought you might marry that piece of shit! [the girls laugh]
Heidi:[a bit sheepish] Well, you know, he- he actually had some good qualities too.
Red:Uhh, yeah, like what? Racism?
Bebe:Or the sociopath part?
Isla:Yeah. I mean, no offense, Heidi, but what the fuck were you thinking?
Lola:Guys, she admitted she made a mistake.
Theresa:You make a mistake on your homework. What Heidi did was more like a momentary loss of all sanity. [the girls laugh]
Heidi:[feeling pushed away again] It was just what I believed in.
Bebe:Don't worry, Heidi. We're not gonna keep telling you we told you so.
Lola:But we told you so. [the girls laugh]
Bebe:The only thing I wanna know is... how did you bring yourself to actually KISS him?
The girls:Eewwww!
Millie:Can you imagine? Eric Cartman's breath on your mouth?
The girls:Ew, ugh! [this is depresseing Heidi as sad music begins to play]
Isla:[imitating Cartman] Heidi, come here. I want to kiss you with my tongue!
The girls:Ew, ugh! [they laugh]
[The park, day. Cartman sits at the park bench alone. Heidi walks up to him, still upset at the girls]
Heidi:Hi Eric.
Cartman:What are you doing here?
Heidi:I don't know. I think I- I just wanna make sure... you're doing okay. I want you to know I'll always care about you.
Cartman:[sniffles] That's good to know, 'cause like, nothing helps more when you're down than knowing that your girlfriend who broke up with you might care.
Heidi:[sits next to him] I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I think maybe I am just stupid and I don't know what I want and it ends up hurting people.
Cartman:No... You need to know something, Heidi. None of this is your fault.
Heidi:But I'm the one who-
Cartman:No. Heidi, none of this is your fault. There's stuff I never told you. It's time... It's time I did.
[Kyle's house, night. He's in the bathroom getting ready for a date with Heidi. He styles his hair and puts hair gel on it. The doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it, putting on his hat on his way there. He opens his door and finds Heidi facing away from him.]
Heidi:Hey.
Kyle:Hey! You all set to go?
Heidi:[walks in] I wanted to talk to you first.
Kyle:Okay, sure.
Heidi:Kyle, I've been under a lot of stress lately, and it was all making me really confused.
Kyle:Yeah, that's undertandable.
Heidi:[turns and holds his hands] I was being manipulated, and I didn't even see it. I never do. And, I don't think you saw it either, Kyle.
Kyle:What do you mean?
Heidi:I've come to realize that it's not my fault. It's your fault, Kyle. You made all this happen. Made me question who I was.
Kyle:But Heidi, I thought-
Heidi:[puts her index finger on his lips] Shh. [walks away] But it's okay. You can't help it. It's how you were raised, what you were taught. My heritage is Irish, so I'm prone to being moody. And your heritage... well, you know... you can be a little sneaky sometimes and not even realize it. [turns left to walk out the door] I'm sorry, Kyle, but everybody's trying to live life the best they can. It's hard enough without your people always trying to get ahead. [walks out and closes the door]
Kyle:Dude... did she just call me a dirty Jew? [he walks to the window to see her walk away, and sees Cartman waiting for her. Cartman sees him at the window. Heidi meets Cartman and they walk away together, wtih Cartman looking over his shoulder at Kyle with a smug look on his face.]
[The Oval Office, evening. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell carry an anniversary cake over to the President. They're still wearing blankets, which could mean the White House isn't wasting money on heating.]
Pence, Ryan, McConnell:Happy anniversary to you.
McConnell:Cha cha cha.
Pence, Ryan, McConnell:Happy anniversary to you.
McConnell:Cha cha cha.
Pence, Ryan, McConnell:Happy anniversary, Mr. President.
Happy anniversary to you.
[they put the cake on the desk, and the President blows out the candles]
Ryan:Congratulations, Mr. President.
McConnell:Looks like many more years of the same are to come.
Garrison:Oh, I don't think so. [walks out from behind the desk with a giant dildo strapped to his genitals.] I think the next three years are gonna be even better. [begins to laugh. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell laugh in response, but soon begin to cry, as they know what that dildo means.]
[End of Doubling Down.]