Cartman Sings

Compiled by Wild Willie Westwood

Background Songs | Chef Sings | South Park Playlist | South Park Songs Main | South Park Songs Secondary

Episode 102: Weight Gain 4000 - I'm Gonna Be On Television

I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.

Episode 108: Damien - It's My Birthday

('Cause) It's my birthday, my bu-bubu-birthday…

Episode 110: A South Park Christmas - Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch

Weeeeeeeeeellll
Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch,
On Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
She's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair.
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
She's a stupid bitch!
Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch!
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BI-I-I-ITCH - aahh.

Episode 112: Mecha-Streisand - I Got The Triangle

I got the triangle, I got the triangle, dee dun dee dun

Episode 112: Mecha-Streisand - Someday Massa Set Me Free

Day is never finished, Massa got me working
Someday Massa set me free…

Episode 202: Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut - I'm Sailing Away I
(by Styx)

I'm sailing away. Set an open course for the virgin sea.
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me

On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore
And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on

Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay

A gathering of angels appeared above our heads
They sang to us this song of hope
And this is what they said

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads

Episode 202: Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut - I'm Sailing Away II
(by Styx)

I'm sailing away. Set an open course for the virgin sea.
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me

On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore
And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea. Reflections in the waves spark my memory.
Some happy, some sad. I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We lived happily forever, so the-

…Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee.

Episode 211: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods - I Love Cheesy Poofs

I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.

Episode 214: Chef Aid - Stinky Britches (snippets)

Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches
Stinky stinky britches, you've got stinky-

Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches!
Stinky britches, you've got stinky stinky-!

You stinky stinky britches!

Stinky britches, you've got stinky br-

Episode 214: Chef Aid - The German Dance

I will do the German daunce for you.
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope you will enjoy my daunce
Feedly-I feedly-I ay.

"Would you like some sauerkraut
German boy, German boy?"
"Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.
Boy, I'm hungry!"

Episode 215: Spooky Fish - Best Friends
(by Evil Cartman)

You guys are my best friends
Through thick and thin, we've always been together
We're four of a kind, havin' fun all day
Pallin' around and laughin' away
Just best friends, best friends are we.

Episode 215: Spooky Fish - Hella

You guys are hella stupid
You guys are hella lame
You guys are hella dumb
Hella hella hella!

Episode 302: Spontaneous Combustion - I Hate Stan And Kyle

I hate Stan and Kyle
I seriously hate Stan and Kyle…

Episode 305: Jakovasaurs - I Hate You Guys

I hate you guys.
You guys are assholes.
Specially Kenny.
I hate him the most.

Episode 305: Jakovasaurs - I Hate You Guys (poop version)

Poopin' outside,
Makin' self-serve ice cream
For my friends
Specially Kenny.

Episode 306: Sexual Harassment Panda - Time to Celebrate

It's time to celebrate, yeah. It's time to celebrate, yeah.

Episode 307: Cat Orgy - Fresh Cowboy from the Westside (Will Smith - Wild Wild West)

Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's
Age, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh
Cowboy from the Westside.

Episode 307: Cat Orgy - Fresh Cowboy from the Westside (Closing Credits)

Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's
Age, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh
Cowboy from the Westside.

Wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Frog Polly Prissy Pants go down to…
Well… mm-Rumpertumskin.

Episode 310: Chinpokomon - I've Got To Buy Chinpokomon

[in his sleep]
I've got to buy Chinpokomon.
I've got to… buy them.
Must buy Chinpokomon

Episode 310: Chinpokomon - Come On, Brothers And Sisters

Come on, brothers and sisters, we've all got to join together.
Join together and give me money so I can buy more Chinpokomon!
We've got to stop this fightin'…

Episode 312: KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery - Christmastime Is Presents For Me

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry…
…Christmastime is presents for me.

Episode 312: KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery - Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

Episode 312: KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery - Sleigh Ride

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' too
Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, and you, and you.

Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, "You-hoo"…

Episode 312: KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery - Silver Bells

Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city…

Episode 313: Hooked On Monkey Fonics - Who Would Have Thought…?

Who would have thought such a miracle could be?
Who could have known that this moment I would see?
A new way of living, a chance to be free?

Episode 316: Are You There, God? It's Me, Jesus - I Got My Period

I got my period, and you guys didn't.
I got my period, and you guys didn't.

Episode 407: Cherokee Hair Tampons - No (Stephen Sondheim - Comedy Tonight)

No no, no no, no!
No no, no no, no!
No no, no no, nono no!
Nonono, no no!

Episode 410: Do The Handicapped Go To Hell? - Cartman's Psalm

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation.
This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Episode 411: Probably - For He Is Lord

1. For He is Lord, He is Lord

2. For He is Lord, Lord Lord Lord.

Episode 412: 4th Grade - Third Grade

Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade?
We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade

We learned wonderous things from a teacher so nice
Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles
The world seemed to all make sense
but that sense seems to slowly fade
After Third Grade

In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons
We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue
We had warm cookies and hearts full of love
And there wasn't a care in the world of me… of you…
There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to go back for one minute
To Third Grade

Episode 413: Trapper Keeper - I Don't Want To Wait

I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper forever
The ways of my Trap-

I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get-

Episode 501: Scott Tenorman Must Die - I'm A Little Piggy (I'm A Little Teapot)

I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink.

Episode 506: Cartmanland - Cartmanland Jingle

So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come!

Episode 513: Kenny Dies - Morning Train (Sheena Easton)

My baby takes the morning train and she takes another home again.

Episode 607: Simpsons Already Did It - Sea People

Look at me, living free
Free and clean amongst the Sea People
We look for pirates and search for gold.
Life is an adventure with the Sea People
They don't ever conplain, they don't call me fat.
They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that.
This is the way life was meant to be. Laughing and singing,
Sea people and me.
Sea people and me, you guys.

Episode 609: Free Hat - Tropical Song

In the tropical isle with the coconut tree,
there's a lots of-

Episode 617: Red Sleigh Down - Santa's Sleigh

I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime.
With candy-cane wishes and smiles-

It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky,
eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh...

Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me-

Episode 701: I'm A Little Bit Country - I'm Back in 1776

Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776.
With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses made of bricks.
What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me
I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously.
Seriuosly hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle.

Episode 705: Fat Butt and Pancake Head - I Still Like To Eat Tacos, Honey

Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey.
So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy.

Episode 705: Fat Butt and Pancake Head - Taco-Flavored Kisses

Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.
Don't think that just because I got a lot of money
I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey!
Fulfill all your wishes
With my taco-flavored kisses.
Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.

Don't think just because I got money
I won't still give you taco-flavord kisses, honey.
I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes
Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses

Episode 705: Fat Butt and Pancake Head - Three Tacos Two Tostadas And a Soda Pop.

Baby let's make a run for the border,
I've got a hunger only tacos can stop.
I know exactly what I ordered
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.

I need to make a run for the border,
If you pay I'll take off my top.
Do you remember what I want to order?
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.

Episode 705: Fat Butt and Pancake Head - Ben

Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...
Tacos......

Episode 705: Fat Butt and Pancake Head - Can I Have Your Tacos?

Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood.
Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh-

Episode 709: Christian Rock Hard - 9 Songs

Needing You

I need you in my life, Jesus.
I can't live without you, Jesus
And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus
Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door.
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.
I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me
I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!
You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right?
What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!
Your love... is my life! You know when I’m without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!
I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to
Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!
Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know I miss you so much when you are gone.

I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday (Charlene - I've Never Been To Me)

Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday.
I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!

The Body of Christ!

The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned!
The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own!
Lord Almighty oooooooooo, I must've been sellin' ties!
Oh I wish I could have the body of Christ!
The Body of Christ! The Body of Christ! The Body of Christ!
Lord Almighty oooooooooo, I’ve never been so enticed!
Oh I wish I could have the body of Christ!

Three Times My Savior (The Commodores - Three Times A Lady)

You're one time, two times, three times my Savior...
Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot...

Episode 711: Casa Bonita - Casa Bonita (La Cucaracha)

Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Food and fun in a festive atmosphere.

Episode 802: AWESOM-O - Touch My Body

Would you like to touch my body?
Come on and touch my body!
Oooo, my hot body!
Don't you like my hot body?
Come on and touch my titties!
I felt them just like ???
Come on Justin, touch my body!
Mmm, Justin, yeah!
Touch my body! You and me!
Check it out, my not-hot body!
Come on, my body!

Episode 906: The Death Of Eric Cartman - Make It Right

I'm gonna make, make it right.
I'm gonna take a little time and set things right.
Make, make it right.
I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.
It feels so good to be making up
For all the things I've done wrong.
I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven
Wanted from me all along.
All along, I'm gonna make, make it right.
'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.
Not faking it, I'm making it right.
I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.
Make, make it right!
Make, make it right!
Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight!

Episode 911: Ginger Kids - Lucille (Kenny Rogers)

-ed a fine time to leave me, Lucille

Four hungry children and a-

Episode 1002: Smug Alert - Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye! (Steam)

Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle!

Episode 1009: The Mystery of the Urinal Deuce - What Really Happened on 9/11?

It is wrong for me to ask questions?
Is it wrong to seek the truth?
I just can't blindly accept their version.
I can't base my logic on proof.
Almost all the evidence points one way,
But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:
I need to know what really happened
On 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.
What really happened
On 9/11?

Episode 1010: Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy - I'm the Dawg! (Dawg The Bounty Hunter Theme)

There's fear and darkness all around you
The criminals are on the run
No use in not having your hall pass
I'll take you to the principal 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The Hallway Monitor!

I got some badass guys to help me.
I only had to pay them fifteen bucks.
You think you got away with not having a hall pass?
You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg!
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!
Think you can get away with not having a hall pass? Think again!

Episode 1207: Super Fun Time - Super Fun Time (Sigue Sigue Sputnik - Love Rocket F1-11)

I'm having a super fun time playin'
Super fun time, please don't go awahay.
No more worries or cares, super fun time.
The answer to my prayers, super fun time.

Super fun time, you're all I need.
I'll have a super fun time till I freakin; bleed.
I love you mornin' noon and night, super fun time
You make my life so right, super fun time.

Episode 1311: Whale Whores - Poker Face (Lady Gaga)

Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my
Poker Face. She's got to love nobody.
Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my
Poker Face. She's got to love nobody.
Papapa Poker Face Papa Poker Face. Mumumumuh.
Papapa Poker Face Papa Poker Face. Mumumumuh.

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be.
I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree.

Episode 1311: Whale Whores - I'm In Japanese Prison, Lawd

Well I'm in Japanese prison Lawd
Japanese prison got me down
Said I'm in Japanese prison Lawd
Don't belong here, my eyes are round.

Well I'm in Japanese prison Lawd
Japanese prison got me down

Episode 1314: Pee - We're Going To The Water Park

We/re going to the water park,
The water park, the water park.
We/re going to the water park,
Me and my best friends,
Except for Kyle who I don't like.

Episode 1314: Pee - My Water Park

What has happened to this place?
I don’t recognize it anymore.
It used to be so fun and special.
What is life worth living for?
The dream is dead, our land is gone;
There’s a hole in my heart and I can’t go on.

There are too many minorities (minorities)
At my water park (my water park).
This was our land, our dream (our dream),
and they’ve taken it all away.
They just keep coming and coming (minorities).
I tried to go and tell the police,
But even the authorities
Are minorities
At my water park.

There’s no place for me to sit anymore,
And the lines just keep getting crazier.
There are Mexicans all around me.
The lazy river has never been lazier.
It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide,
And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride!

There are too many minorities (too many)
At my water park (somebody do something).
Where did they all come from?
Why can’t they leave this land alone?
And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying).
We looked the other way too long.
We’ve got to change our priorities
And get all these minorities
Out of my water park

(Minorities) Mexicans and Asians,
(Black people), I think I even saw Native Americans (gross).
God I’m asking please, get all of these minorities
Out of my water park (my water park).

Episode 1514: The Poor Kid - I'm Not The Poor Kid At School!

'Cause I'm not I'm not the poor kid at school!
Let's hear it for Jacob Hallory, guys!
His mom is so poor she cuts soupons out to be institutionalized!
Greeley Colorado's the place to be!
It's a whole new beginning for you and me!
Life can only get better 'cause I know one simple ruuule!
I'm not He's not
the poor kid at school!

Episode 1603: Faith Hilling - Faith Hillin' Time! (Faith Hill - I've Been Waiting All Day for Sunday Night)

All right football night whattaya do?
Get out your camel and a boobie or two!
We've gotta get serious while doin' our rhyme.
Come on everybody, it's Faith Hillin' Time!

Dancin', rappin', titties flappin', where are you?
This is the only memeing I'll ever do!

(Talking Cat) Oh Long Johnson
(Cartman) Is a meme I won't buy.
'Cause I'm Faith Hillin' till the day I die!

Episode 1607: Cartman Finds Love - I Swear (All-4-One)

I see the questions in your eyes.
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know, my heart.
Girl I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes, I'll never break your heart

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear (I swear) like a shadow that's by your side (Keep it down, girl)
I'll be there
For better or worse (better or worse), till death do us part (death do us part)
I'll love you with every black beat of my heart
And I swear.
I swear. I s-we-e-e-ear Yeah, I swear. Straight up. What it do?

Episode 1607: Cartman Finds Love - I Swear (Reprise)

I want to hold you every morning and love you every night, Kyle. I promise you nothing but love and happiness.
I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
I'll be there, Kyle
I swear like a shadow that's by your side

Kyle, swear to God I'll be there.
For better or worse (Brad appears: "better or worse"), till death do us part (Brad: "death do us part")
I'll love you with (Cartman and Brad) every gay beat of my heart! (Brad: "I swear, Kyle.")
I swear, Kyle.