Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testaburger

South Park Guest
Biographies: Season 8

Good Times with Weapons

Angry Townsmen

They protest about the indecency Cartman displayed on the auction stage when the emergency town meeting is held. Skeeter, Sheila, and Mr. Garrison also protest. Cartman is eventually punished while the other three boys walk out with their weapons, relieved that violence takes a back seat to sex.

Roger, Assistant and Veterinarian

He sells martial arts weapons, and he's supposed to refuse sale to kids, but the boys' sob story breaks him and he sells them the weapons. He will not take returns though, and he means it. Stan and his friends are the first to buy weapons, then Craig and his friends buy their weapons using the same story Stan and his friends did.
The vet here receives Butters from Dr. Doctor and puts him in a kennel with a group of dogs. Two dogs piss on Butters, a third craps on him. Butters escapes. The vet and his assistant return to put him to sleep, but find him gone. They decide to kill some other dog.

The Boys in Anime Form

Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny

Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Token

Professor Chaos


Tourists at Catamount Pictures

Tourists at Catamount Pictures gather around Butters and AWESOM-O. The woman behind AWESOM-O comments on how neat AWESOM-O is, the girl to her left asks what it does, and the boy offers AWESOM-O a riddle.

Aunt Nellie and Uncle

This is Butters' Aunt Nellie, a Los Angeles resident, and her husband. They welcome Butters and Cartman to LA. After that they leave the boys to explore the city on their own. His uncle notices that Cartman is taking this robot thing a bit too seriously. While he and AWESOM-O tour the city, Butters calls his aunt from time to time to keep her updated on their whereabouts.

Scientist, Pentagon Staff

The Pentagon goes after AWESOM-O after reading news reports of him. The general has the scientist deconstruct AWESOM-O to learn its secrets, but AWESOM-O proves too animated for that. Cartman has the scientist believing that he is indeed a robot, and the scientist in turn defends AWESOM-O's humanity as he dies from a fatal gunshot. The General comes around and extols AWESOM-O's humanity until it farts a smelly fart. The two officials to the General's right make a few suggestions about AWESOM-O and any robots of similar make.

Up the Down Steroid

Special Olympics Host, Coaches, and Two Volunteers

The volunteers and coaches track the athletes' progress and urge them to do better. The volunteer second to right mans the registration table, the other handles track events like hurdles and runs. The javelin and jump coaches are field coaches. The field coach is impresses that Jimmy is doing so well and that he's looking bigger and stronger than before. The host begins the games, and ends them with medal presentations.

Nathan, Nancy, Francis

Michael and his parents

Nathan has a husky voice, and he's the one who gives the steroids to Jimmy. Nancy is Jimmy's girlfriend. She wears a navel ring. She's in Jimmy's class, so we might see her in Mr. Garrison's class from time to time. Jimmy met her a week before beating her up in a steroid rage, but recognized his sin when giving back his medal. Will the other girls begin wearing navel rings and lipstick? Only time will tell. Franics is just an athlete Jimmy says hi to. Michael and his parents arrive to sign in.

Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, and Jason Giambi.

These three give the first place medal to Jimmy. Their appearance here is significant because McGuire and Bonds have been involved with steroids, while Giambi has been suspected of trafficking in steroids, if not using them.

The Passion of The Jew

Mel Gibson, Tour Bus Driver

Stan and Kyle go to Mel's mansion in Malibu after learning that they can't get their money back after seeing a movie all the way through, and they really wanted their money back after seeing The Passion of The Christ and finding it just awful. They met Mel and find him absolutely daffy. They get their money back from Mel's wallet and escape, finding a tour bus to take home. A few hours later Stan and Kenny hear a horn. They look back and see Mel coming up behind them in a gas truck. Stan runs up and tries to alert the driver that Mel is coming up fast, but the driver doesn't believe him until Mel rams into him. The driver then does his best to stay ahead of Mel until they reach South Park. The bus goes past the Bijou and brakes. Mel's gas truck explodes at the ticket window.

The Rabbi

The Rabbi allows Kyle to address the congregation, then joins the congregation to the Bijou after hearing from Kyle that the Jews should apologize for killing Jesus.

Jack and Elise Garrett

The Garretts arrive at Cartman's back yard to discuss The Passion, and someone thinks they're his parents. They clear things up. They are the typical well-meaning couple who unwittingly follow someone else's hidden agenda, but here they never find out that their leader, Cartman, had bad intentions for the Jews of South Park. Knowing that Mel Gibson is really daffy took that off the table.

You Got F'd In The A

The OC kids and their coach

MC, Lil Kim

The OC crew walks up to Stan and friends and serves them. Stan goes home and tells his family and Randy preps him with a reply. The next day the OC kids find Stan and his friends and serves them again. Stan replies with his own serve and the challenge is on. Under Sharon's urging, Randy goes to the OC Ceonvention Center to try and cancel the challenge, but is overwhelmed by the OC coach's dance moves. Stan finds the best kid dancers in South Park and goes to the Bounce street dance finals at the OCCC. Butters joins them and tap dances a serve to the OC kids. Before they get a chance to reply, Butters' left shoe comes off, brings down some rafters, and the rafters kill the OC crew and its coach.
The MC announces the finalists, the OC Crew and the South Park Diggitys. Lil Kim is shown so the dance troupes know whose video the winning troupe will star in.

Yao, A Rancher and Jeffy, his dancing duck

Yao is a wizard at the Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Machine game at Flynn's Sinistarcade. Stan recruits him on the tall Goth's suggestion. Yao, in turn, suggests Jeffy the duck. The farmer shows off the duck's dance talents and the troupe takes Jeffy along. At the Bounce, Jeffy sprains an ankle, which seems to force a forfeit, but Butters arrives to take his place and try competitive dancing once more.


Darryl Weathers, Bill O'Reilly and Aging Hippie Liberal Douche

Mover, Fast Food Worker, Skynard Man, Chet

Darryl Weathers leads the disgruntled and umemployed men in a rally against the time immigrants who took their jobs. Weathers makes an appearance as the pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative on the O'Reilly Factor with Bill O'Reilly, who takes a neutral position and is content to play the moderator. Opposite him appears the aging hippie liberal douche, who has never let go of his 1960's idealism and still dresses the part of a wandering student of that time, complete with ski pole and backpack. The aging hippie liberal douche makes a few more appearances in which he argues for the rights of the time immigrants to live, study, and work here. The mover and fast-food worker air their complaints. The man wearing the Skynard cap supports them with yelps of "They took yer jerbs," as do the other men. Chet suggests that everyone do whatever they can to increase global warming so as to bring on an ice age; the suggestion is shot down because it would take millenia to see an ice age. Someone suggests that all men turn gay so that the propagation of humanity will be brought to a halt and man would just die off. Weathers likes this idea, because it would mean there there would be no immigrants from the future to come back and take present-day jobs away from present-day humans. He then leads his group of protesters over to Little Future and then to the time border, holding a gay orgy at each place. After Randy loses his job, though, he takes over as leader of the protesters.

Aaron Brown, Christina Naylon, Brad Morgan, Harrison Moore, Chris Holt

These five reporters work for CNN. Aaron Brown is the anchorman, the other four work on the field or in other parts of the studio. Christina Naylon covers news just outside the base, Brad Morgan covers the recovery of the first future immigrant to be picked up. Harrison Moore covers breaking news at the time border; he ends up covering the mass gay orgy of unemployed workers who are protesting the arrival of the future immigrants. He interviews Randy Marsh, who wipes his upper lip clean before being interviewed. Christ Holt gives some information on the time immigrants - who they are, what language they speak, effects of time-travel, etc.

First Client, Mrs. Landis, the Marshes' housekeeper, Mr. Nelson and Mr. Glughgogawk, Wendells Workers

The two women at left are women the boys go to for some work. The fisrt one grants it, but the second, Mrs. Landis, tells them she has already found someone who will shovel her sidewalk and driveway clean for a quarter. This begins the boys' encounter with the time immigrants. Stan isn't pleased that his parents hired a housekeeper who comes from the future, and his father isn't pleased when his boss, Mr. Nelson, comes in with a new employee who can do Randy's job for much less money. Stan loses his cool when he deals with a Wendells cashier and manager who can't get his order right - they seem to only be able to sell chicken sandwiches.

The Jeffersons

Michael Jefferson and Blanket

Michael Jefferson hides out in South Park with his youngest son Blanket. Jefferson is an eccentirc man-child who wants to live the childhood he didn't have as a kid in the spotlight. In living this childhood he forgets that he has kids of his own, so Blanket gets into situations where a parent is needed and there's none to be found. He skins his knee, and it's Kyle who cleans it up. He crawls around in Kyle's backyard when Jefferson leaves his place for fear of ghosts. In the end, Jefferson seems to learn that he needs to be a parent now that he has kids of his own, so he promises to give up his fame and fortune and raise Blanket right. Although Jefferson is arrested for child molestation, any particulars of that arrest are not addressed.

Sgt. Harrison Yates and Maggie, Sgt. Snetzl

Sgt. Yates looks like the FBI agent in "Christian Rock Hard." He's a harb-boiled cop, trained to set up and arrest rich and famous black men for crimes they deny commiting. Maggie Yates is his Irish wife, who supports him in whatever he does and reminds him of his forte. Sgt. Snetzl is the Santa Barbara sergeant who doesn't recall arresting a famous black man by the name of Jefferson - until Yates' description jogs his memory.

Harris, Murphy, Johnson, Frakes

Harris is Yates' partner, and he's the one who shares the fax he receives about Jefferson being in town. When Yates goes to Jefferson's house, he brings three other officers to plant evidence against Jefferson. Murphy plants a big package of cocaine, Johnson plants blood on Jefferson's shoes, Frakes plants pubic hair around Jefferson's toilet bowl and seat. None of it is needed or used against Jefferson.

Douche and Turd

Mooey, Giant Douche, Turd Sandwich, and Jim Lehrer, Mandy

Mooey is the South Park Elementary mascot, and it's the first time we see him. He performs for the school, but PETA storms in and restrains him, demanding that the school stop using him as a mascot. The school acquiesces and releases a sheet of possible replacements. The boys aren't happen with them and instead come up with write-in candidates. Kyle urges people to write in Giant Douche and Cartman urges them to write in Turd Sandwich. Mr. Garrison presents them to the students at another assembly meeting. Stan doesn't like the choices and opts out of voting. Jim Lehrer is brought in to interview the two prospects, but doesn't get much out of them except name-calling and deflection. Mandy is one of the cheerleaders at South Park Elementary. She is quite likely the newest 4th grader.

Puff Daddy and Posse, PETA members

Ostrich-baby, Dr. Cornwallis

Kyle contacts P Diddy after he fails to get Stan to vote, but Stan isn't happy about it. When Stan asks what Vote or Die means, he gets his answer pretty quick and has to run throughout the town at night to get away from P Diddy and his guards. They find him at every turn, though, so Stan gives up and plans to vote. When Kyle urges him again to vote for the Giant Douche, Stan fires back that he will not be persuaded or intimidated into voting, so he declines to vote again. The Principal then banishes Stan for not voting. He is sent out of town backwards on a horse, with a pail on his head. He and the horse are eventually found by members of PETA and led to their compound. One of the members serves as a guide and shows Stan how some of them have entered interspecies marriage, and one coupld even had offspring - the ostrich-baby - which asks to be killed. Stan really can't stay, as he is not an animal or a PETA member, but to be sure he's asked to speak with Dr. Cornwallism who turns out to be a goat. He doesn't say anything, but Stan tells the members that Dr. Cornwallis said he could stay. When P Diddy and his guards suddenly show up to kill Stan, a PETA member throws fake blood on him, and he has his guards open fire on the compound. All the PETA members are killed and Stan returns to South Park to vote. He voted for the Douche, but the Turd Sandwich wins by a landslide. Mr. Garrison then appears with a PETA shirt, ripped to shreds, and announces that they've all been murdered. This allows the school to take back Mooey the Cow as its mascot once more, and Stan's vote didn't matter after all.

Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes

Elderly Woman, Mr. Farkle, Crane Driver

Wall*Mart employs all sorts of people. This elderly woman was employed along with Grandpa Marsh and Jimmy. Mr. Farkel was one of many townsfolk to lose his business to Wall*Mart. The crane driver tells the boys where to go to find out how to find the heart of Wall*Mart and destroy it.


Manager, Receptionist

President Harvey Brown, Wall*Mart (aka Desire, the Consumer)

The man who announces Wall*Mart's arrival to South Park becomes its manager, but commits suicide by hanging after talking to the townsfolk and fearing for his well-being after the building makes menacint noises. When the boys reach Wall*Mart in Bentonville they meet the receptionist, who tells them where the president of the company is. The president regrets what he and other founders of the company did with the super center concept, since that led to Wall*Mart taking on a life of its own and no one being able to control it anymore. The president asks the boys to apologize for him, then shoots himself in the head and dies. The boys return to South Park and enlists Randy to help them out. Randy does for a while, but finds some really good deals and stops to get them. He gives the boys the keys and they run to the back of the store where the TVs are. They come to face an elderly man who personifies Wall*Mart and identifies himself as such, as well as K-Mart, Target, etc. They destroy him and Wall*Mart by opening a small door in back, finding a mirror there and smashing it to bits.


Trent Boyett (then, now), Ms. Claridge (then, now), Warden

Trent Boyett is the toughest kid in preschool, but that works against him when Stan and his friends ask him to set a fire for them to put out. He sets the fire and the boys try to put it out with their urine, but it doesn't go out. Ms. Claridge sees the fire and tries to put it out with a blanket, but suffers burns so severe she could never speak again. Trent is arrested for setting the fire. He tells the policeman that it was their idea, but they claim goodness, so Trent is hauled off. Trent spends five years in Juvenile Hall, then gets out. On the way out he passes by the warden to pick up things he entered the Hall with. He finds Butters and beats him up pretty good, inflicting on him all sorts of childhood pain. Ms. Claridge ends up confined inside a futuristic wheelchair which allows her to beep once for yes, twice for no. The boys apologize to Ms. Claridge for their role in her disability, and Trent corners them. Cartman whips out a taser in self-defense and fires it at Trent. Trent moves out of the way and the taser hits Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, which powers up from all the voltage and sends her into several stores, blowing one up and damaging another severely. When a police officer asks her if Trent was responsible for all the damage, she beeps no, but he understood it as yes-yes. Trent is promptly arrested and taken back to Juvenile Hall.

Quest for Ratings

Mr. Meryl, Whistlin' Willy, a Pharmacist

Mr. Meryl is their AV instructor. He's big on ratings, so anyone getting really low ratings after having high ratings may lost his balls.. Whistlin' Willy is like Chuck E. Cheese in that's he's both mascot and restaurant chain. The pharmacist doesn't have any problem selling cough medicine to kids and is quite familiar with the things kids do with it.

Pete Thelman, Sally Turner

You may remember Pete Thelman from "Fourth Grade," when the new fourth-graders pushed him around. He had just entered third grade. Now we learn that he pees sitting down like a girl. Sally Turner was first seen in "Rainforest Shmainforest" as part of the "Getting Gay With Kids" choir. She's been part of group shots ever since, and has been in a few classroom scenes. Now we learn she stuffs her bra. Neither of them have speaking parts.

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset

Some info on Red, Sally, Annie, and Millie have been added to The Kids page, so go to South Park Bios to read up on them.

Girls at the Stupid Spoiled Whore party

Jessie and Kal, Bab, Two Kellys

Jessie and Kal were the first two girls shown to be playing with the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset. Wendy witnesses some of their videos and walks away disheartened. Bab is the girl who seems to be master of the Two Minutes in the Closet game. She does something to boys' asses that has them either running out of the closet or walking out of there with a painful butt. The two Kellys shown here don't recognize Cartman after he guesses their names as the ones who invited him to the party.

Teen Girls, Mrs. Polk, Couple in Car

The teen girls work on weakening Mr. Testagurger's will. Mrs. Polk doesn't want her daughter Annie to be behind in fashion, so she's willing to let her dress like a whore. The couple shown in their car drive by as Butters digs for coal. They find it amusing that a bear is digging for coal.

Paris Hilton and her driver, Paris Announcer, Cameraman, Whore-Off Announcer

Paris Hilton arrives in town to open up her new clothing shop, Stupid Spoiled Whore. The girls go wild for the store and it's a success. Paris wants to get the hell out of town though. Her little Chihuahua has had enough of her and takes its own life by taking a gun from the limo driver, going to the back seat next to Paris and shooting itself in the head. Paris freaks out and breaks down until she sees Butters. She wants him, so she and her driver talk to Butters' parents. She offers them $200 million and then $250 million to get Butters. The parents get rid of Butters for a while by having him dig for coal. He does this in a bear outfit given him by Paris, who wants him to dress in it and pretend to be her new pet bear, Mr. Biggles. With Butters gone, the parents, Paris and the driver can discuss the terms of the contract and the parents agree to give Butters to Paris for $250 million. Butters is disheartened that his parents would sell him at any price, but goes along with the sale. He gets into the limo and looks around. He spots Paris' pet photo album and leafs through it. What he finds in it sends him out the door and as far away as possible. Paris looks for him, then enlists his parents' help or they don't get any of the money. They oblige. Paris shows up at the Stupid Spoiled Whore looking for Butters, who has locked himself in the closet to hide from her. Soon after, Butters rushed out of there. Mr. Slave was already at the party and was telling the girls how worthless Paris was. She heard this and argued with him about who was the bigger whore. She challenges him to a whore-off. The next day it is held, and he finishes her off by swallowing her whole with his ass. The parents ground Butters for losing them the $250 million.
The first announcer announces Paris's new store opening, the second one officiates the whore-off. The cameraman is just one of many who take pictures of Paris Hilton.

Cartman's Incredible Gift

Dr. Kels and two nurses

Dr. Kels is one of the doctors at Hell's Pass Hospital, and he gets the honor of treating Cartman and Kyle for their head injuries and the "psychic" powers they bequeath. The nurses next to him help him out. The one closest to him removes Cartman's "face warmer" while the other one brings him lunch.

Mr. Johansen, Jim Brown, Michael Deets

Mr. Johansen is interrogated and shot with a taser, then hauled off to jail. Kyle is sure Cartman made this happen. Jim Brown is a new anchor at News 4. Michael Deets is the real killer and abducts Cartman for not acknowledging his talent, his genius. Kyle had suspicions about him when he arrived at crime scenes in overcoat and yellow bikini, so he decided to do some investigating on his own. He found out the killer's name, address, and most likely time of presence there. The detectives visit him and find the wall of hands there, but are not sure if they're seeing right hands or left ones. Meticulous analysis and some play time lead to the conclusions that Mr. Deets is the man they're looking for, so they come to arrest him. He lunges at them with a knife, so Sgt. Lou fires at him a few times, killing him. He fires two more times just to be sure.

These are the psychics who challenge Cartman to a telekinetic battle of the mind - and bring a class-action lawsuit against him for siphoning off their business. When it's detemined that hard-nosed police work and not psychic ability solved the case, they and Cartman battle once more, until Kyle screams for them to stop and the lightbulbs explode and the bookshelf above him collapses.

Sergeant Lou and Detective Mitch Murphy

Sgt. Lou looks very much like the Detective in "Christian Rock Hard" and Sgt. Harrison Yates earlier this season. It's for this reason that there's no image of him here.

Woodland Critter Christmas

Abortion Doctor, The mountain lion, The cubs

The mountain lion has been eating every animal that has ever had the Antichrist in them before the Antichrist could be born, but the woodland critters solicit Stan's help in getting the lion out of the way. He does this after luring it to the top of a mountain peak and ducking her lunge. She jumps to her death below. The cubs, now motherless, ask Stan why he did this to their mom. Stan is remorseful, as he didn't know she had cubs. They learn that the critters' savior is the Antichrist and go with Stan to an abortion clinic to learn how to perform abortions. The doctor lets them stay and watch all the abortions he has lined up to perform. That information comes in hand when they have to get the Antichrist out of Kyle.

The Woodland Critters

Beary, Beavery, Chickadee-y, Deery

Foxy, Mousey, Porcupiney, Rabbity

Raccoony, Skunky, Squirrely, Woodpeckery

These are the twelve critters shown in the episode. They all look forward to Antichrist coming as their Savior, get Stan to get rid of the lion that prevents this from happening, and get Kyle to be the host for the Antichrist. Santa shows up and blows each of them away, except for Rabbity, whom Beary had already sacrificed to Satan. Beary is the strong cub who brings the altar over and sacriificed Rabbity. Mousey is something like a detective for the critters. Porcupiney is the virgin critter pregnant with the Antichrist. Rabbity is the critter sacrificed to Satan. Raccoony isn't mentioned in the beginning of the ep, but shows up later. The other critters have smaller roles, but they all have satanic powers that allow them to erect walls of fire.