South Park Guest
Biographies: Season 3

Rainforest Schmainforest

Jake, Getting Gay With Kids Choir leader and student spokesman

He seems to know a lot about the rainforest and its destruction by loggers. He constantly rattles off the number of acres destroyed each day and each year. He is the male choir leader, and he gets a solo in the songs they sing. While the choir was trying to find its way back to San José, Jake stops to admire a huge yellow flower. He is warned not to touch it, but the plant is quicker, scooping him up and suffocating him in order to digest him later. Miss Stevens tries her best to free Jake, but it looks as if she failed. He is not seen again.

Kelly, Getting Gay With Kids Choir student spokeswoman

She is the other choir lead, and Kenny's first girlfriend. She picks her nose, but Kenny doesn't say anything about it. She and Kenny spend their time getting to know each other while on a Save the Rain Forest tour, and he comes to her aid several times. She has mixed feelings about falling in love, stuck between wanting to know Kenny ("Benny? Lenny? Larry? Johnny?") better and being sure they will never again see each other after the tour ends. Kenny is her shield when bullets come her way. When Kenny is struck by lightning, she is knocked away, but comes back to resuscitate him.

Miss Stevens, GGWK Choir Teacher
Voice: Jennifer Aniston

She is the Getting Gay With Kids choir teacher. She gathers up kids from around the nation and takes them to Central and South American countries on crusades to defend the rainforest. In this episodes, she encounters first-hand the dangers of the rainforest. She calls Pablo Pedro. She and Cartman enter a battle of wills, and Cartman wins, walking back into the forest to find hiw own way back to San José. After encountering the Yanogapa and their giant, her views on the rainforest change completely.

Costa Rican Prostitutes

Well, prostitutes are pretty much the same throughout the world. Cartman sees them as the bus goes to Costa Rica's Capitol building. They had just exited a car and wave good-bye to its driver. They notice Cartman and look back, and ask him to take a picture.

El Presidente de Costa Rica

He does not speak English, so anything Miss Stevens says is beyond him. Mr. Mackey shows up to translate for her, and he relays to her what the President is saying. When the choir fails to show up for the Rain Forest Summit, he expresses his concerns to Mr. Mackey, who assures him the choir will show up. The president decides to pass the time by telling Pollack jokes to the people gathered for the event until then.

Pablo, the Rainforest Tour Guide

Unlike the president, he does speak English. He is given the task of taking Miss Stevens and the choir on a tour of the rainforest so they can learn more about its flora and fauna, and know what they're singing about. He starts telling them about the animals in the rainforest. When he's discussing the coral snake, it jumps from its tree and suffocates him, then swallows him whole.

People's Army Soldier

He stands silent while Miss Stevens and the choir, having lost Pablo, walk through the forest. Kyle bumps into him, and Miss Stevens thinks their trials are over. The soldier leads the choir to his camp, which turns out to be a military camp of the people's army. Miss Stevens realizes their trials are not over.

People's Army Leader

Miss Stevens talks to him, and finds that he, unlike the president, speaks English. When she asks if she could use a phone, he and his men just laugh at her, telling her the phone is next to the 12-person Jacuzzi. He is truly concerned for his country and its rainforest, as he makes clear to Miss Stevens later on. Some Costa Rican soldiers show up, and gunfire erupts. The leader signals for the choir to leave.

The Yanogapa

These are pygmy cannibals. They are little Indians with very large lips, but one of them is a giant to whom they offer human sacrifice. They dress Miss Stevens as a cheerleader and tie her up. The giant Yanogapa is about to eat her when the American loggers come to rescue the choir.

American Loggers

This is the forman for the hated American loggers who are responsible for destroying the rainforest with their bulldozers. The people's army certainly hates them, and Mrs. Stevens takes the choir to Costa Rica to protest against their actions, but the dangers of the rainforest change her opposition to support. She changes the lyrics on support of the rainforest to lyrics calling for its destruction.

Rain Forest Summit Announcers and Host

They are there to report on the Save The Rain Forest Summit, but comment on how rich Americans come to these events to convince themselves that they're not the ones responsible for the disappearing rainforest.

Spontaneous Combustion

South Park Prostitutes

They come to Gerald in order to sue Randy for giving them skin cancer. They undress to show him what they mean.

Whoopi Goldberg and Nick Nolte

Whoopi is the host of the 42nd Annual Nobel Prize Awards, and she calls Nick Nolte up to award the Nobel Prize for Science. He reads off the nominees and hands the award to Randy Marsh.

General Store Manager

The boys are looking to buy a nurection, but he kicks them out for it. He knows what it is that Kyle is looking for, and he just doesn't sell that kind of stuff. The boys find out that no one sell that kind of stuff. Stan notes that this is the fifth store that they've been kicked out of.

Chef's Mama

Veronica, The Succubus

Veronica is the woman who threatens to take Chef away from the boys. She certainly had Chef entranced, so much so that he gave up his womanizing lifestyle and his job as the school chef and took up a job as an accountant at Steinburg and Burgstein. She is, in fact, a succubus, a woman sent from hell to drain the life out of a man. She traps him with a sweet tune. The boys study up on succubi and discover that the way to break Veronica's power is to record her song and reverse the order of the words. On the day of her wedding to Chef, the boys interrupt her song and play theirs, thus revealing the succubus. She killed Kenny, then dropped into a hell hole that appeared under her. With that, her power was broken, and Chef returned to cook at school, being his usual, soulful self.

Mr. Durp, School Chef

Mr. Durp is the new chef, and tells the boys that Chef quit. He tries to entertain them with his antics, which are said to go to the funny bone, but the boys are nowhere near amused. He stays on as chef until Chef loses Veronica and realizes he didn't love her like he thought he did. Instead of a toque, Mr. Durp wears a hairnet and short-order cap.

Dr Lott, South Park Optometrist

The only optometrist in town, he revels in teasing Cartman about his weight, calling him "little piggy." He first put blocky glasses on Cartman, then performed laser-corrective surgery, but Cartman didn't like the glasses, and the surgery went wrong. Finally, he started performing eye transplants when Cartman brought Kenny's head in as that of a donor.

Thomas and Nellie McElroy

These are Chef's parents. They come for Chef's wedding to Veronica. Thomas enjoys telling stories about his encounters with the Loch Ness monster, who always seems to be asking for tree-fitty. Nellie seems to be an obliging woman, but she fought for Chef when the succubus revealed itself. Later on, they are called upon to exorcise Kenny's spirit from Cartman's body.

Tweek Vs. Craig

The People In Mr. Adler's life

His fiancée, his Grandma, his Uncle Corey

Mr. Richard Adler must have lost his fiancée recently, since he can't stop reminiscing about her. In his reveries, we see that they had a wonderful courtship, with him swinging her, chasing her through a yard, spending a Christmas together. He proposes to her, and she accepts. She then shows him what she does for a living: she is a skywriter. She invites him to see her fly one day, and she goes up in her plane to write for him that she loves him. A problem arises, and the engine blows up. She goes down with the plane into a pool, but she is thrown clear. Richard reaches her, but finds her drowning. He is too late. When Kenny dies in his arms she returns to him once more through Kenny's hood, and he finally gets to say good-bye. His grandma and uncle then return, and he's relieved and happy that they're all fine. He says good-bye to them all and feels free from his burden.

A girl in Home Ec and a boy in Shop

Stereotypes here. The girl is in a Home Economics class, as she would be expected to take care of home economics as a woman. The boy Tommy is in shop class. In the episode, he has no face, so I just inserted a face onto him. He also appears in "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" with his face back in place.


Jakov, Junjun, their kids, and the DOI agents

Jakov and Junjun are the last two jakovasaurs on the planet, and Junjun is the first of the two the boys encounter. She talks funny, and the town takes to calling her Hope. Some DOI agents come to town after hearing about the jakovasaurs, who until then are known from archaeological artifacts. The agents decide to propagate the species, so they arrange for the jakovasaurs to have their own home, so they can have some privacy and time to make love. It turns out they can't procreate: they don't have external sexual organs. The agents go to Dr. Mephesto for assistance, and he draws some sperm from Jakov to artificially inseminate Junjun. This is successful, but results in a large litter of little jakovasaurs. The babies grow quickly and soon overrun Mr. Garrison's classroom and Chef's kitchen. The agents quickly tire of the jakovasaurs and leave town, appointing Cartman as a deputy DOI agent. The town also tires of them and rigs up a game show in order to send the jakovasaurs on a one-way trip to France.

The French

They have a very small role. When the jakovasaurs reach Paris, France, they alight in front of the Café Grenouille and walk around a bit. Jakov trips over some chairs and into a table, and the French are first annoyed, then amused. The jakovasaurs remind them of Jerry Lewis.

Sexual Harassment Panda

Tom Morris, aka Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda

Mr. Garrison has been asked to talk about sexual harassment in schools, so he introduces Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda, to help him make the material more acceessible to the class. While Petey goes through the various sections of the sexual harassment law, Stan calls Cartman an ass-sucker, and Cartman sues. Kyle's dad is asked to represent Cartman. He does and wins the case. The payoff is rather small, so Mr. Broflovski suggests that Cartman go after the school. This begins a series of lawsuits agsinst the school that dries up the school budget and forces the firing of Petey. Petey tries to get work elsewhere, but fails. He goes to The Company to find work, but is told that the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune might be beter for him. He goes there to live until the boys find him and cnvince him to return to South Park and preach against frivolous lawsuits, which is what the rash of sexual harassment lawsuits became. Petey's real name is Tom Morris, but he's so into his role that he bristles when someone calls him by his real name.

Judge Julie

Judge Julie is the presiding judge over the sexual harassment lawsuits. Her usual awards are: half the defendant's stuff and a sum of $1-2 million from South Park Elementary and the South Park school district. She runs her court with great efficiency. When Petey returns to preach against frivolous lawsuits, Gerald drops the case, and Judge Julie adjourns the court.

Mr. Evans, South Park School Board

The school board is called into session to deal with the rash of sexual harassment lawsuits. Mr. Evans leads the board, so he has to decide what to keep and what to remove in order to defend the schools against plaintiffs. He ordered the students desk, the chalk, and the classroom furniture to be sold. He and the other members hide behind their chairs when Stan and his friends come in to talk to Petey. Mr. Evans and the man to his right return in the fourth season for "Cherokee Hair Tampons," wherein Mr. Garrison is fired from teaching because of his police record. Principal Victoria replaces the woman to Mr. Evans' left for that hearing.

Skeeter and Bar Patrons, The Collector, The Company Rep, Kevin McCarty

Small parts for each of these. The Collector accompanies Gerald in collecting the items the plaintiffs win. He's there when Gerald and Cartman come to collect half of Stan's belongings, which includes an asthma inhaler. He offers Gerald either a choo-choo or a squishy football as his part of the award. Skeeter and the bar patrons, who haven't appeared in the series until now, usually harass whomever they see by saying they don't take too kindly to him/her/them. The barkeep tries to soothe them, but they simply press the issue. Eventually, the barkeep gets tired of them once he sees that, for all their obnoxiousness, they are all bark and no bite. The Company rep talks to Petey about employment opportunities in The Company - there are none - and suggests the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune. Kevin McCarty is a local reporter who gets sued by Gerald for expressing a negative opinion about him. Skeeter was the first to charge Jesus at the New Year's 1999 concert in Las Vegas.

The Misfit Mascots

Willy The Worm, Oinky The Pig, Jimmy The Falcon, Happy The Badger

These are four of the mascots the boys happen upon in the Island of Misfit Mascots commune as they look for Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda. Willy demonstrates the blindness one may get if one stares right at the sun, while Jimmy demonstrates the effects of a powerful electric current on a large powerful magnet (Kenny is chopped up). Oinky runs around with scissors when he shouldn't, while Happy doesn't do anything to irritate his inner ear. Other mascots include a whale and octopus, Atomic Man, a cloud, a football, etc.

Cat Orgy

Skyler, Jonesy, and Mark

Skyler was Shelley's boyfriend. She invited him to spend some time with her at Cartman's house during her babysitting. He tried to kiss her and eventually succeeded; he tried to go further and failed, so he dumped her. She and Cartman conspired to lure Skyler out of his house so she could go in and trash his guitar. When he discovered the ruse he want back to confront them, only to be doused with catnip and attacked by a bunch of horny cats. His penis was bitten off. Mark and Jonesy are the members of Skyler's band. When they said Shelley's song, "Turds," was gay and that she could not join their band, he ran them out of the house.
When Timmy comes to town, the boys, who now call themselves the Lord of the Underworld, find fame with Timmy as their frontman. For a while, Skyler resents this and leaves the group, since he's the original frontman. News of that spreads quickly and the group is dropped from the Lalapalalapaza tour while Phil Collins returns as the headliner. The crowd wants thr group back. Skyler returns to the group after some soul-searching and makes amends with Timmy. The group returns to the stage victorious.

Kitty and the Alley Cats

Liane reveals that the cat, whom Cartman had taken to calling Mr. Kitty, is actually a female cat. Kitty goes into heat during the meteor shower, and Cartman can only tell her to be quiet. Kitty watches two lions mate and gets even hornier. Cartman sends her on a mission, but she simply ends up on the front steps. Later, she hears the call of another cat and follows the call to an alley in town. There, she finds a big orange cat who mounts her, but unsuccessfully. She walks farther and finds a group of cats in front of a back door. She shows them her ass and they swarm all over her. She leads them back to the Cartman house and holds an orgy, where the cats take to drinking and snorting crack. When Shelley and Cartman return to the house, they find it a mess. Skyler returns to avenge himself, but Cartman throws some catnip at him and the cats swarm him.

Two Guys Naked In a Hot Tub

Dougie, a first-grader

Dougie is a cute first grader who looks even cuter in a dress, at least when he's Jill Munroe, one of Charlie's Angels. He likes math and wants to be a reporter when he grows up, because reporters get to wear cool coats. At the meteor shower party, he is sent to the basement - er, special kids' room - to join other kids who might be down there. He ends up there with Pip and Butters, and then Stan finds all three of them. When the boys play Charlie's Angels and Stan is resigned to play Bosley, Stan tells them to find a way out of the basement. Dougie is the first to discover a way up to the party upstairs. Dougie is also chosen to report on the meteor shower party so that the ATF outside could see that no plan to commit mass suicide is being carried out.


Commander Danny Ganz; Johnson, ATF sharpshooter; ATF crew and vehicles, The Negotiator

The ATF show up when someone suspects something funny at Mr. Mackey's house on the night of the meteor shower. They monitor the activity inside and call for backup. Officer Barbrady shows up and is made to watch with them. The ATF leader sends Johnson, a sharpshooter, to enter the residence and see exactly what's happening. Johnson enters and is offered a mai tai by Mr. Mackey, which he gladly accepts. The ATF bring in tanks, helicopters, whatever they can think of to break the "cult" inside the Mackey house. The leader calls for the Ganz technique, which involve setting up monster speakers on either side of the front door and connecting them to a player. They play a Cher song, hoping to draw the "cult" members out, but Mr. Mackey plays the same song inside. The leader, who reveals himself as Danny Ganz, then brings in the Negotiator. The Negotiator fires a cannonball over the Mackey house and destroys four houses behind it. When Ganz and his men learn that the activity inside is indeed just a party, he commends his men for participating in this "simulation," and then commands them all to clear out. They do so in a hurry.

Juanita, Cameron

Minor roles here. Juanita is Mr. Mackey's maid for the meteor shower party, so she prepares the drinks and snacks. Cameron is a friend of Jimbo. Jimbo and Cameron, it turns out, masturbated in front of each other once. In fact, most of the men at the party have masturbated in front of another man at one time or another. Some of them have done it several times.

Derek Smalls

Derek Smalls follows the ATF to the Mackey house to report on ATF activity and possible cult activity in the house. He reports that there are children in the "compound" after he receives a picture of Stan looking out a window. He later receives an exclusive video from Butters showing that the activity inside is just a party and nothing more. This prompts the ATF to flee the residence and Mr. Smalls to use the tape to expose this latest ATF fiasco and further his career.


The Elders

Welcoming Elder, Elder Carn, Elder Harris

Activity Elder, Elder Garth, Elder Schwartz

There are seven elders in the camp, and six of them are pictured here. Elder Schwartz is the head elder and Elder Garth is from the Synagogue of Anti-Semitic Jews. The welcoming elder welcomes the boys to Jewbilee and serves as door monitor. He is the one who closes the door behind Junichi so the boy could not return. The activity elder tells the Scouts they will be making soap sculptures and leads them in chant around the campfire. Elder Harris assists in leading the Scouts. Elder Garth, the Anti-Semitic Jew, tells the other elders that the meteor shower is a sign of Haman's coming reign. All the Jews are to soon follow Haman's teachings intead of Moses' teachings. He then sets out to make Haman's reign possible by finding a conch shell and trapping Moses in it for all eternity. He succeeds in trapping Moses, but Kenny saw the whole thing, so when Garth was summoning Haman, Kenny took the book away from him. Garth got it back. Kenny receives the conch shell from the bear and breaks it with his head, releasing Moses and thwarting Garth's plans. Moses absorbs Haman and destroys Garth.

Moses and Haman

All denominations of Judaism follow the teachings of Moses - almost. Elder Garth's denomination, which is rather new and anti-Semitic, follows the teachings of Haman. The Jew Scouts make their soap sculptures and then gather around the campfire to chant. Moses appears as an inverted obelisk with a rotating face floating above the fire. The leaders tell him what the Scouts and the Squirts have made and ask him what he wants to see. He asks first for the macaroni pictures, but is told they will be ready soon. He then asks for the scuptures, which the Scouts offer. Kenny offers his, but Moses senses that Kenny is impure. The elders send Kenny away, at which point Moses is captured by Garth in the Conch of Blind Faith. Garth then tries to summon Haman, but Kenny and Schlomo separately try to stop him. Garth finally succeeds in summoning Haman, but Haman has no time to do anything. Kenny gets the conch shell from a bear and breaks it open with his head. Moses comes out of the shell, absorbs Haman, and kills Garth by firing at him with laser beams. Moses then sets the day of Kenny's death as a day to honor Kenny for saving the Jews, with macaroni pictures, soap sculptures, and glittered paper-plate bean shakers. Moses is seen later as the nerve center of the Hall of Super Best Friends.

Schlomo and the Squirts

We don't get to know the Squirts' leader's name until near the end, when he's the one the elders call upon to open the door locking them inside a cabin. The leader takes Ike to join the rest of the Squirts in Squirts' Lair on their project: macaroni pictures. He shows the Star of David as an example, and he asks the Squirts to make their own pictures. Ike makes a masterpiece of the Last Supper, which Schlomo frowns upon. Schlomo sees a bear rummage through some trash cans outside and determines that he and the Squirts should trap and kill the bear, and present it to the elders so Schlomo can get his Chutzpah badge. The bear outwits them, though, and Schlomo ends up without any Squirts. He finds the elders and the Scouts locked in a cabin and is warned to watch out. He turns to find Haman aiming at him, then finds the conch shell containing Moses. He tries to get the shell, but is shot in the shoulder. He tosses the shell away.

Three Squirts

Ishmael, Matthew, and Joseph

Three of the Squirts are Ishmael, Matthew, and Joseph. Ishmael makes a macaroni picture of an apple, Matthew makes one of a cat, and Joseph makes one of a triangle. When the Squirts go to hunt the bear down, Schlomo tries a rush attack, with Matthew to spring the net on the bear. Unfortunately, the bear senses the plan and growls at Matthew, who throws the net over himself. The bear carries him away. Later on, Kenny finds him and the other Squirts Schlomo had lost in a little party for the bear's cub.

The Jew Scouts

Kyle has to go to Jew Scouts on the night of the meteor shower, because that night is also Jewbilee. He and Kenny join the Scouts at Meshuggeneh Hall and learn what they will be doing that night: soap scuptures. New scouts, shown below, are inducted. The Scouts then make their sculptures and present them to Moses after calling him forth. They gang up on Kenny when he is found to be impure. Garth sends them all into a cabin and locks them in there with the other elders. There they stay until Kenny brings the Squirts and the Squirts erect a human pillar to bring down the keys from above the door. Ike gets to open the lock and set the elders and Scouts free.

Some of the Jew Scout Inductees

These are seven of the inductees at Jewbilee. Inductee 4 is a Japanese boy named Junichi. The activity elder asked him to get some candles. When he left, the door was locked behind him so he could not return. Inductees 5 and 7 were the first inductees to be subjected to the bell, with inductee 5 crying as he walked away from the bell.
Inductee 1 can be seen in the movie dressed like Clyde, but without the gloves. On his shirt is a beaver, and he has joined the fourth grade.

A momma bear and her cub

The momma bear shown above is smarter than the average bear. She's been around the Jew Scouts camp for some time before Jewbilee. The Squirt leader, Schlomo, first sees her rummaging through the trash cans outside Squirts' Lair. He gets the Squirts ready to hunt the bear down, but the bear is too smart for him. Matthew is sent to trap the bear with a net, but he throws the net on himself and the bear takes him away. The bear next pounces on some poisoned bait, jerking the rope a Squirt was pulling to control the bait. The Squirt is pulled into the air and lands on the bait, and the bear carries away her second Squirt. When Schlomo plans his next move, the bear carries away a third Squirt, Zigmo, behind his back. When Schlomo finds a straw Squirt in a clearing, he looks long and hard before realizing it's a trap. The Squirts are not as fast as he is in getting out of the way, so the bear spring the net on the remaining Squirts and carries them all away. She then finds Kenny and takes him away to her cave, where the Squirts have all been gathered to celebrate her cub's birthday. Kenny tells them about the situation at camp, and everyone, including the two bears, rushes out to help free the Scouts and the elders. The momma bear retrieves the Conch of Blind Faith and gives it to Kenny, then leaves.

Chinpoko Mon

Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose

Mr. Hirohito runs the Chinpokomon Toy Company, and Mr. Ose is his right-hand man. They try to convince Red Harris that they'll take care of any problems the Chinpokomon dolls cause, and of any defects found in the dolls. Then they flatter his penis, and he walks away a happy man. Hirohito then chastises Ose for overlooking this problem. Hirohito tracks the whereabouts of the Chinpokomon, which send out transmissions nightly back to the company. Using the info he gathers, he proceeds to the next step: Chinpokomon camps. He shows up dressed as an emperor and welcomes the kids to the camp. After a brief history of Japan he walks away and Mr. Ose gets the camp in motion. Later on, once the kids have returned from camp, they are fluent in some Japanese phrases. They are tested for influence of commercials on them, but they pass. Still, Mr. Ose leads them and the other kids in a march demanding the downfall of America, and later on he leads them to an air base so they can take to fighter jets and attack Pearl Harbor. All the while Mssrs. Hirohito and Ose flatter any and all adults about their tremendous penises.Hirohito even flatters the President's penis after President Clinton expresses to him the nation's concern over the large number of Japanese military bases formng in the U.S. It seems the Chinpokomon camps become Japanese military bases once the kids are indoctrinated to Japanese culture. The South Park kids reach their base and are set to go when the adults show up with Chinpokomon of their own. When the parents express their fondness for the toys, the kids lose all interest in them. After all, what fun is it enjoying a toy when your parents enjoy it as well? And so Hirohito's and Ose's plans were thwarted.

Ash, Eight, and a Japanese Woman

Ash and Eight are counterparts to Pokémon's Ash Ketchum and James, and Ash ends up being the Pied Piper of Chinpokomon, leading the kids to buy and collect all the Chinpokomon dolls and games, and further, to indoctrinate the kids in Japanese culture and longings to take Pearl Harbor once again. The Japanese lady appears everywhere, from corporate headquarters to the Pearl Harbor game the boys were playing. She's there as a constant reminder of what the kids are to do next. Below are some of the Chinpokomon dolls the kids encounter.

A Few Chinpokomon

Roostor, Roostallion, Lambtron, Pengin

Shoe, Furrycat, Chuchunezumi, Donkeytron

Starvin Marvin In Space!

The Marklar and the Australians

The Marklar come by to find intelligent life on Earth, but instead find lions all too eager to fill their stomachs. The Marklar are devoured, but Marvin finds their ship, and a path back to Marklar after looking for new homes for his people here on Earth. Marvin takes his people to Marklar, battling two ships to do so and prevailing. The Marklar he finds there allow him to remain on the planet with his people. The Marklar appear briefly when Cartman's voice echoes through the universe once he's defeated by Stan and Kyle after a Civil War Reenactment run amok. The Australians are one of the peoples Marvin visits to find a new home for his people, but he finds missionaries there, too, and he quickly leaves. Of course, the Australian Outback Guy comes from here.

CIA Agents Donnelly and Bill Sphinx

They show up when they get a report of a missing Ethiopian boy flying over Chinese airspace. Once they get a picture of the boy they know where to go. They show up in South Park and take Stan and his friends away for interrogation at a military complex. After a bout of torture by balloon, the boys reveal that they adopted Marvin a while back from Sally Struthers, and they are then let go. The agents pay a visit to Sally Struthers, who now looks like Jabba the Hutt. She gives them the information they need on Marvin, and they give her some treats for the info. They soon show up in Marvin's village and talk to his parents. When Marvin returns with the boys, the agents confiscate the ship. The boys create a diversion in "Tom Brokaw" and Marvin's people stream into the Marklar ship. When the last of them enters the ship Stan and the others bolt for the ship. Kenny trips and is quickly detained by the agents. They encase him in carbonite and present him to Sally Struthers, who cooperates with the agents and eventually catches up with the Marklar ship in her Tiberian junker. Sally attacks the Marklar ship, but Cartman appeals to her humanitarian efforts, and she focuses her tractor beam on the XT-9000 mentioned below.

Pat Robertson, Susan, and Sister Hollis

The first of these we meet is Sister Hollis, a missionary sent to Ethiopia to spread the Word of God among the Ethiopians. Marvin is one of the kids in her class, and he just doesn't get what it is Sister Hollis is trying to teach him. He walks out of class and wanders through his village until he finds the Marklars' space ship and takes off in it. When Marvin returns with the boys, Cartman exults about the pristine world they went to, and Sister Hollis is immediately interested, with a view to spreading the Gospel on Marklar. She quickly alerts the people at the 600 Club, for whom she works, and Pat Robertson spreads the message over the air, along with a plea for contributions to the building of a ship capable of space travel, the XT-9000. Robertson has trouble understanding all this space stuff, but he gets the contributions nonetheless. When the boys leave again for Marklar with Marvin and his people, the 600 Club quickly sends the XT-9000 to Sister Hollis, who takes command and pursues the Marklar ship into the wormhole. When the Tiberian junker show up, both ships battle the Marklar ship. After Cartman appeals to Sally's humanitarian efforts, the XT-9000 is targeted by a tractor beam from the junker.

KoRn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery

KoRn, Nibblet, the Pirate Ghosts

KoRn arrives in South Park for a Halloween concert, but before reaching town they run into some pirate ghosts, who scare them off the road and over a cliff. The band members come out without a scratch and make their way to the town. They come across the boys, who confirm that they have indeed reached South Park. The members of KoRn instroduce themselves, and then their pal Nibblet. The next night the boys return to the docks and reach the band as it finishes practice and they tell KoRn of Kyle's missing Grandma's corpse, and KoRn somehow ties this to the ghost pirates the members encountered earlier. This forms the basis of a mystery to solve, and the band and the boys get to solving it. When the townsfolk comes to run KoRn out of town, Nibblet opens the door

The Corpse of Cleo Broflovski, the dog who ate it, and the Watchmen

Stan persuades Kyle to dig up Kyle's Grandmother's corpse so they can get back at the fifth graders, who have been torturing them during the days prior to the Halloween Haunt. The boys go to the cemetery, dig up the corpse, and take it to the docks. They set it aside in a place they're sure no one will be checking and leave. A stray dog picks up the scent of the corpse and looks for it. It find the corpse and drags it away, eating it later. The boys return to the docks to retrieve the corpse the following night, Halloween, but find it missing. Earlier in the day, two watchmen from the cemetery go to the Broflovski house to tell Sheila of the missing corpse, and the possible grotesque uses some sick mind would have for it. Later on, when they tell the town of the missing corpse, one of them demonstrates how sex with a corpse would sound. When the pirate-ghost mystery is solved, the whereabouts of the corpse are still not known, but the dog returns and coughs up the corpse, with head coughed up separately.

KOZY DJ and Dr. Spookalot

The DJ is in town for the Halloween Haunt and broadcasts from the docks during the days leading up to the event, and he's waiting for KoRn to arrive. Dr. Spookalot operates Spooky Laboratory. Cartman enters to see what could be so spooky and is blindfolded. He is then led to various ordinary items and asked to fondle them, after which is told what exotic thing each of them is.

Hooked On Monkey Fonics

Fonics Monkey and Ronnie James Dio

Cartman's mom orders for him a Hooked On Monkey Fonics program so Cartman could learn how to spell and participate in the annual South Park Elementary Spelling Bee. The monkey has been taught to follow a little tune, to make learning phonics easier, but Cartman doesn't learn easily or quickly enough. He takes the monkey to the spelling bee and sets him near the edge of the stage so no one would suspect anything. Without a tune to follow, though, the monkey is of no help to Cartman, and when Cartman demands a hint, the monkey simply masturbates. When Cartman's friends pay him a visit, the Fonics Monkey goes nuts and beats the hell out of Kenny, eventually killing him. Ronnie James Dio shows up to play for the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance and sings his one hit, "Holy Diver."

The Red Badge Of Gayness

The Victims of the Civil War Reenactment Charge
Ralph, the mailman and Mrs. Hollis

Topeka Traffic Officer, Fort Sumter tour guide and tourists

Ralph and Mrs. Hollis are the first victims. They were just having small chatter when the sound of thundering footbeats reached their ears and those of the people around them, and then they saw the crowd of drunken South Park men charging into town. The Topeka traffic officer tried to calm everybody down, but he couldn't control the men. The drunken men finally reach Fort Sumter and charge into the fort just as the tour guide is telling the group of tourists just how the final battle in the Civil War went down.

Sgt. Larsen and Dawkins

These two tried to intervene when Stan and Kyle went after General Cartman Lee. Stan and Kyle took Grandpa with them, and they arrived at Chattanooga to try stop the men. The National Guard comes to town and Sgt. Larsen gets Dawkins to fire a warning flare at the drunken men. Unfortunately, the flare lands on Kenny and blows him up.

Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl

When General Cartman Lee sees that his men have gotten sober (the schnapps supply had been confiscated by Stan, Kyle, and the National Guard) and discouraged, he promises them more schnapps if they continue on their mission to rewrite history. They follow him and keep moving east, but in a meadow they all decide to turn around and go home. At that moment two trucks full of schnapps arrive and Suzette pops out to encourage the men to drink - from her breasts. The men get drunk all over again and resume their mission with gusto.

Al Gore, Advisor, and Aide

These three are part of the Clinton Administration, and they're the first to notice the large crowd of men outside the White House demanding that the Southern States be given their independence. Gore is resigned to it, as, well, who needs the Southern States? He also tells Clinton that, in this case, he's glad he's not President.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

Mailman Timmy, the Kids, and a man on a Porto-Potty

The show starts with "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo". Mailman Timmy sings the song, in Bing Crosby fashion, but on the soundtrack for the episode he's called Cowboy Timmy The kids sing background vocals, and some of them get lines of their own to sing. Among the kids is a girl dressed in pink who is to become known as Lizzy, or Princess. And the man on the Porto-Potty is here simply because he had a few lines in the song and a piece of poo that just wouldn't fall off his ass.

Adolf Hitler

Adolf Hitler resides in Hell now, with a bunch of other celebrities, but he misses Christmas. He pines for a Christmas tree, and Satan stops by to check up on him. Hitler reminisces about his life - how he used to put the star above the Christmas tree, how he saluted the Nazi soldiers walking down his street, how he beaned a Jewish boy with a snowball on the back of the head. - and starts to bawl. Satan tries to cheer him up with a song of his own, and finally gives Hitler a Christmas tree. Hitler appears in future Hell scenes such as a luau.

Angels, and Frizzies News Anchor

The angels simply sang back-up for Cartman in "O Holy Night," and they sometimes corrected him or finished a line for him. The news anchor kept promising "Fighting with Frizzies" at 11. Finally he gets to deliver, and closes the episode in a boxing ring with a Frizzies monster. The outcome is undetermined.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Jesus.


God has been talked about for ages, and his body parts have been described throughout the Bible, but no one has seen him. Oh, Jesus has come and we know what he looks like, but God the Father... well, we now have an idea of his appearance! Being the creator of all living animals, it makes sense that he have a bit of each one on him. And so the strange appearance he has. He was first seen when people demanded to see God after 2000 years of being promised such a viewing (Only Jesus knew what he looked like before then). During his comeback concert Jesus tells the audience God will soon appear. When that takes a bit longer than expected, the audience gets restless and God slowly descends to the stage and makes his appearance. He is seen again when Satan goes to heaven to ask a favor of him, and Saddam ends up there.

Miss Aliton and Craig Netzel, field reporter

Cartman runs up to the boys and declares that he's hit puberty - he's had his first period. The boys don't believe him, but ask the first woman they see what a period is. Miss Aliton tells them, and they come to believe Cartman. Blood did come out of his ass. The cause for that is found to be a colon infection, easily treated. Craig Netzel reports on the large crowd in front of Jesus' house demanding to see Him. Craig then follows Jesus to Las Vegas and reports on several events there, including on the crowd rioting for God to appear.

Rod Stewart, Nurse, Agent

Jesus arranges to stage a comeback concert on New Year's Eve 2000 in Las Vegas, with Rod Stewart as one of the guest stars. He meets Stewart's agent, who talks to him about the particulars of the show. Then Jesus meets Stewart himself, now in a wheelchair and hardly able to talk. Jesus can't get anywhere with Stewart, and finally calls upon the nurse to take Stewart away when Stewart poops in his pants. Stewart does perform in concert.

Worldwide Recorder Concert

Mr. and Mrs. Garrison Sr., and friends

Mr. Garrison has a BIG problem. He wasn't molested as a boy, and now he thinks his father doesn't love him. When the class goes to compete in the recorder concert, he insists on not going, as his father still lives in the city of the concert. Mr. Mackey convinces him to go. Mr. Garrison Sr. is a tough man who doesn't see why his son wants to be so close to him, and Mrs. Garrison Sr. is just confused and frustrated by the whole thing. Mr. Mackey finds Mr. Garrison Sr. at the gas station and convinces him that he should molest his son to get closer to him, and Mr. Garrison Sr. takes this under advisement. At night he talks to his buddies at the local bar, including the bartender, but their discussion just frustrates him, and he goes home. He goes into his son's room to molest him...

The New Yorkers

New York Tough 1, New York Tough 2, Black Kid in EKKO shirt, Athlete

These four kids were among the New Yorkers who attended the Worldwide Recorder Concert. They razzed the South Park kids plenty, and were astonished that the South Park kids' vocabulary was so limited. Cartman invented a word, mung, only to find that the New Yorkers already knew the word, as well as its meaning. Cartman and the others were at a loss when the lead tough called them queefs. Well, the South Park kids came up with a plan to get back at the New Yorkers: the brown noise. It got out of hand, and everyone was affected.

Concert Coordinator, Yoko Ono, Kenny G, Delivery Man

Yoko Ono is the host for the concert, but it's the coordinator who's the main figure in the episode. She gets the schools to practice, gets the music to everyone, and makes sure everyone goes where they should. And Kenny G is the one who actually molested Mr. Garrison. Garrison's father pays him off the following morning, and Kenny G shows up at the concert to cohost with Yoko Ono. The delivery man is one of the people Kenny and Cartman try the brown noise on before making the change to the sheet music.

Reporters Alan and Rick

Alan covers the aftermath of the brown noise from New York, with shots from around the world The brown noise from 4 million recorders is powerful enough to affect even people who weren't watching TV at the moment the noise was made. Everyone doubles over in pain and craps their pants. Rick covers events at the source of the noise, the Worldwide Recorder concert stage. The place is just in shambles after everyone ran for the nearest restrooms. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman shuffle by whistling as Alan wraps up his report.