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Biographies: Season 18

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Redskins Players

I was going to do individual pics, but since most of the players don't correspond to their real-life counterparts, I decided just to include this group shot. Kirk Cousins does correspond.

NFL Owners and President

Goodellbot (Roger Goodell)

Roger Goodell as a robot. Matt and Trey think that Goodell's handling of all the situations going on in the NFL has only been as good as a robot's. How could anyone let the Goodellbot run the company if it hasn't worked since the day it was installed?


Protestor #1, Protestor #2, Protestor #3, Protestors #4 and #5

Kickstarter Employees

Registrar, Employee 1, Harry (left) and Employee 2, Employee 3

Cowboys Fans

#3, #74, #82, Blue star

These guys are Cowboys fans, but even they see when a visiting player, or coach, should just stop.

And the rest

Teen Contributor, Robin Meade, ISIS Spokesman

Dan Snyder, his coach, and Kirk Cousins; Cowboys Announcer and Commentator

Gluten Free Ebola

Aunt Jemima, DJ, Woman in Faculty Room, Farmer

Aunt Jemima is the spirit guide who reveals the antidote to Eric to remedy the gluten problem the town is facing. The DJ quizzes the boys about the awesome party they're planning to support Scott (who doesn't need it at all). There's a new faculty member, maybe? The farmer shows up to find his wheat fields set aflame because of the gluten scare.

A note on the faculty member: she wsa the kindergarten teacher some six years ago before being replaced with an older one. She was first shown in "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson" introducing the dwarf Mr. David Nelson to the school. Her position in the school faculty is still fluid.


John Garner, Jeff White and Tom Vilsack, with researcher; Michael Taylor, FDA Agent

Programmers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

John Garner, Jeff White and Tom Vilsack all work for the USDA, with Garner explaining the role of gluten in wheat before comsuming it and dying in a grisly way. Michael Taylor and the FDA Agent work for the FDA, and are at the USDA for issues relating to meat and dairy. The five programmers are instrumental in inverting the food pyramid and finding the antidote to the gluten scare, which turns out to be a ketogenic food pyramid.

Papa John's

Workers 1 and 2, Blond, Soldier

Anyone who was exposed to gluten in some way is taken to Papa John's for quarantine. The two hazmat workers visit the Marsh house and look around for remnants of gluten. When they find it, they take Randy to Papa John's. The blond, Randy, and Mr. Garrison ended up there. The blond decides that if the soldiers have left them for dead, he was gonna eat the pizza dough. Randy is amazed that the gluten in the dough had no effect on the blond until his penis drilled its way out of his pants and shot off like a rocket. No more blond.

The Cissy

E! Anchor, Brandon Carlile, Record Producer, Ron

The E! Anchor asks what everyone else is asking: Where is Lorde? The record producer encourages Lorde to keep singing, since everything has been fine before, but then he has Ron keep an eye on Randy. Brandon Carlile (a spoof of Brennan Carley), a reporter for Spin Magazine, wants to know how such a big name like Lorde played a children's party in a small town like South Park. He learns a lot more than he was expecting, but ultimately deletes the article.

Boss, Carol, Designer, Sia

Randy's boss calls him into the office to discuss Randy, er Lorde, getting her own restroom. This after Carol and her group have started getting nervous about Lorde using the womens room. Cartman has to approve some changes for his restroom to be just fine, so the designer works with him to get it right. Sia is the new girl who has to suffer with the others as Cartman poops in the toilet. (The singer Sia sings "Lorde"'s song "Push (Feelin' Good On A Wednesday)" later on)


South Park's Taxi Companies and a Passenger

SP Taxi drivers - Russian, Arab, American; SP Cabbie, Passenger

These taxi and cab drivers are not happy with this new startup, Handicar, as it is taking business away from them with nice tables, dining al fresco, complimentary food, and lower prices. The Russian taxi driver has a filthy car that he hasn't cleaned up due to high expenses, and the passenger asks for more air conditioning. The drivers decided to break Timmy's legs, which is useless, since Timmy can't use them anyway. He just resumes business as usual.

Handicar Drivers and Passengers

HC Drivers 1, 2, 3, 4

HC Drivers 5, 6, 7, and Matthew McConaughey

Woman 1, 2; Older and Younger Man

Here are just seven of the drivers Timmy eventually added to his staff of drivers, and Matthew McConaughey, who ended up driving a Zipcar in the Wacky Races. The first four are shown during the normal workday, greeting each other or haviing pedestrians get out of the way. The last three have things to say in the meeting about Timmy possibly participating in the Wacky Races. Timmy decides to sign up and race. Timmy picks up the first woman and the male couple personally, while Nathan picks up the second woman and walks into a trap. Let's just say the shark was gentler.

Tesla Execs and Event Reporters

Elon Musk and four Tesla executives

Reporters 1, 2, and 3

When Tesla is set to make an announcement about its cars, the reporters ask about its response to Handicar. Elon Musk is not happy about it, fearing that wheelchairs will usurp his dream of electric cars everywhere. He talks to his executives about it, and the third one just gives up, sayiing Handicar is just so damned handy. But Nathan is there to provide a way to handle Handicar.

Wacky Races Anchors and Drivers

CNN Anchor, BBC Anchor, Dick Dastardly and Muttley, Neve Campbell

The CNN and BBC anchors just announce the Wacky Races to show that it's an internatiional event, then sent it back to the Wacky Races announcer. Dick Dastardly and Muttley show they're still around, if middle-aged and graying, and they're still up to their no-do-goodery, which still fails. Neve Campbell is Canada's answer to Penelope Pitstop, but she runs out of queefs.

Other People

Food 4 Little Manager, Nathan's Mom, Nathan's Dad

The Food 4 Little Manager has to tell the shoppers that there's no more cereal once the shoppers have bought the last box. Nathan's parents are finally show, but they're not all that good. His mom pretends like she doesn't understand him, and his dad is no better, simply agreeing that they shouldn't take Nathan with them on vacation.

The Magic Bush

Hobby Enthusiast Clerk, Officer 1, Officer 2, 20/20 Reporter, Minstrel

The Hobby Enthusiast clerk doesn't take returns, and he's got a monotonous voice. He quizzes Stephen about the drone, not believing Stephen's account of things. The two polics officers chime in with their opinions on what to do about Gloria's bush (ignoring the violation of privacy). The 20/20 reporter asks Gloria about drone and privacy when he's interropted by Stephen'stransmission. The minstrel was hired to write and sing about Gloria's bush leading all the drones out of town.

Freemium Isn't Free

Announcer, Minister of Sports, NC 9 Reporter, Boy

Minister of Mobile Gaming became Beelzeboot

This announcer appears in the Terrance & Phillip freemium mobile game, where he priases you for every single achievement and encourages you to buy more coins so you can achieve greater things in it. The Minister of Sports really doesn't have an opinion except to root for Canada even though it may be under Beelzeboot's control. The NC 9 Reporter covers what becomes a battle for Canadian souls between the two devils. Jimmy calls the boy to check out the Terrance & Phillip freemium mobile game, but Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny interrupt him and the boy walks off,
The Minister of Mobile Gaming works with the Prince of Canada to raise money to build a new, wealthier Canada, and he does this by developing and selliing the Terrance & Phillip freemium mobile game everywhere. While the players build the new Canada in the game, the money they spend is going to build the actual new Canada, but this is all done without Terrance & Phillip's approval. They do accept the first checks they get from the Prince though. The Minister talks his way into revealing whom he really is - Beelzeboot, the Canadian Devil. When Satan realizes who's putting out the game, he asks Stan to use his soul for a while, and in Stan's body, goes to defeat Beelzeboot. Satan returns Stan to normal and plops him onto the neighborhood basketball court, where his friends are playing.

Grounded Vindaloop

Best Buy Rep, Steve

Steve handles customer service calls for a variety of companies, including Oculus. Whe he has to call customer service, he calls... himself, lol. The Best Buy rep merely connects Kyle to customer service, who ends up being... Steve.

Cock Magic

Girls Volleyball Coach, Girls 1 (right) and 2, Girl 3

First we meet the three girls, who distribute fliers for their volleyball games to the other students in school. The boys aren't interested, and Cartman gives the flier back. We don't know the girls' names, but we are given their player numbers: Girl 1 is #1, Girl 2 is #8, and Girl 3 is #36. Wendy is #4 and Bebe is #3. Their volleyball coach makes a brief appearance. She looks like a weightlifter or bodybuilder, but she has a weary demeanor. She introduces the team captain, who is Wendy, and Stan is stunned.

Randy's cock magic

Parents, Daughter, Boy at party, Head

A girl celebrates her 6th birthday with a backyard party. Her parents hire the Amazingly Randi for entertainment, but it goes horribly wrong, lol. The daughter becomes part of the magic as she pulls out a fake severed penis from behind her ear and screams in horror. The boy who was enjoying the party until then turns to the Amazingly Randi and tells him he hates him. When Randy appears as halftime entertainment at the basement of Panda Express, he performs some cock magic to the tune of AQUA's "Barbie Girl." Part of that bit involves René Dif's head popping out and singing his line in the song before Randy puts it back inside his pants.
The daughter was first seen in "Trapper Keeper", in kindergarten.

Kenny's cock Magic

Player, Referee, Janitor Mitchell, Breeder, Promoter

Panda Express Manager, Commentator, Spectator 1, Spectator 2, Spectator 3

Kenny's journey begins with local games at a nameless video game shop, where he plays against a player too old to be playing "Magic: The Gathering. The referee is a boy a year or two older than Kenny. Kenny wins. As Cartman recounts the victory, the janitor listens in and talks to the boys later. His namme is Mitchell, and he gives the boys a lead on where to go to next for bigger earnings. This leads them to the basement of City Wok and a new way to play "Magic: The Gathering" - using roosters to play insteda of humans - cock Magic instead of cock fighting. The boys visit a rooster breeder and buy a rooster they name McNuggets, and begin to play him against other cocks. At first he wins, and a promoter approaches the boys about putting McNuggets into high-stakes matches in more respectable restaurant chains. The boys go to Panda Express for McNugget's next match. The commentator first appears at City Wok and follows the boys up the ranks to Panda Express. The manager there lets the boys into the basement the same way Mr. Tuong did - tells them the restaurant is closed, then lets them in when he learns why they're there. The first spectator tells the boys who Gadnuk is, the second one laments his bird's loss to Gadnuk, and the third one... catches a bouquet of flowers Randy produced in his magic act, and throws it away in disgust because she saw where it came from.


PewDiePie, Guards 1 and 2, Wendy Williams

PewDiePie is only present to set up the CartmanBrah story line, as Cartman agrees with the way PewDiePie is making money on YouTube and emulates it. Guard 1 tells Guard 2 to stop Michael Jackson's hologram. Guard 2 obliges, but learns you can't grab a hologram like you can a real person. Guard 2 then alerts other guards that Michael Jackson's hologram is on the loose. Wendy Williams invites CartmanBrah to her show and interviews him.

Conner, Girl

These are three of Ike's friends. Conner calls Stan Grandpa and the other kids laugh. Quaid reminds Conner about respcting his elders. The girl thinks it best that old people think they matter (when they really don't).

Women of Rock

Miley Cyrus, Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, MC

These are the singers who appear with Lorde in the Women of Rock concert. Miley performs first, then Nicki (whose performance we don't see), then Iggy with Michael Jackson's hologram. When Lorde performs, Michael's hologram reappears and escapes. The MC introduces Lorde.

The Hologram Techs

MJ Hologram and Passenger, Tupac's Hologram, Stagehand

Tech 1, Tech 2, Tech 3 and 4

And now, the future, which is what the episode is really pointing to. The old ways are fading; the future is with the holograms. Michal Jackson's hologram escapes from the concert and takes a bus headed for South Park. Michael Jackson's ghost had taken over Ike in "Dead Celebrities," his hologram may do the same next week. :D Tupac's hologram was reactivated to take care of Michael's hologram. The stagehand announces the order in which the singers will appear on stage, and he's standing next to Tech 1 when the tech calls for Michael's hologram to appear in Iggy's performance. The other three techs are at Syntech Hologram Company with the record producer to reactivate Project Alpha - Tupac's hologram.


Girl, Dad and Mom, Kid 1, Kid 2

The girl sees Kyle on the sidewalk in the park and calls him Grandpa. The dad and mom have to call customer service in order to get CartmanBrah's commenter window to disappear, but Steve has no idea how to do it. He got a lot of complaints about it. Kid 1 says that old people smell like soap, but later on suggests that he and the other kindergartners can help Kyle out. Kid 2 tells Stan to be careful - he might crap his Depends. Later on, he feels bad for Kyle.

The Holiday Special

Kurt's hologram, Elvis' hologram, Iggy's Ass, Bill's hologram and Taylor Swift

Kurt sings "Good St. Nick" and loads a rifle in the process. He blows over the end of the barrel and fires the rifle, revealing a small Christmas flag. Elvis' hologram and Iggy's ass sing a duet, "Holly Jolly Christmas." Her ass is quite talented. :) Bill's hologram and Taylor Swift sing the second duet, "Baby, It's Cold Outside," during which Bill tries to get Taylor to spend the night. He tries to get her to drink some wine, which might be spiked so he could rape her later.

The Holiday Special - Behind The Scenes

Exec. 1, Exec. 2, Controller 1, Controller 2

Exec. 1, a woman, notes that Michael's hologram is the most heavily tweeted tweet while exec. 2 has doubts about the holiday special's name. Controller 1 tells Run that the holiday special's live tweet is trending at 64%. Later on, he notes that the live tweet is barely trending, while #ihatecartmanbrah is trending off the charts. Controller 2 backs him up, reporting a 96% trend and climbing.

South Park Police Department

Officer 1, Officer 2, Mitchell "Mitch" Adams (Officer 3), Officer 4

Front Desk Officer, Officers 5 and 6 (With Det. Harris between them)

Officer 1 asks what famous artist Randy is supposed to be. Officer 2 inadvertently reveals that he's masturbated to Randy before. Officer 3 is called Mitchell, Mitch, and Adams throughout the episode, so I just put it all together as Mitchell Adams. Det. Harris calls Mitch over to hear the latest black jokes. Officer 4 shows off color swatches to better determine Michael's skin color. The front desk officer tries to see what Tupac is doing there, but Tupac just ignores him and goes to the office. Officer 5 shows Det. Harris the latest hash tag - #copscantgoaroundchokingblackpeople - while officer 6 clears things up for the detective.