South Park Guest
Biographies: Season 17

Let Go, Let Gov

Panphleteer (right) and Colleague, Alec Baldwin and Date, Hippie

The Panphleteer and her colleague are Jehovah's Witnesses who go door to door witnessing about Jesus. When they knock on Butters' door, they end up being converted to Butters' DMV group, which view the government as a sort of Catholic church. Alec Baldwin invented the Shitter device to communicate directly to his followers without the need for thumbs. His date wonders what voice she's hearing from Alec's head. The hippie is a pizza delivery man whose tweets got the NSA's attention.

At the NSA

Chief Joe, Patricia, Detective Miller, Detective Jarvis

Sergeant Larson, Detective 1, Detective 2, Detective 3

Joe speaks to Cartman and takes him in as a new NSA detective. He shows Cartman around, and soon Cartman has his own desk job at the NSA, scanning hundreds of records for unusual activity. Patricia is the front desk receptionist who first sees Cartman. Chief Joe asks Sgt. Larson, Detectives Miller and Jarvis, and three other detectives how things are going with various cases. Detective 1 tells him about the pizza delivery man, and Sgr. Jarvis is the one who says that Cartmam was tracked for a short while, but deemed fat and unimportant.

At the DMV

Larry, Paul, Clerk 1, Clerk 2, Clerk 3

DMV Customers 1, 2, and 3

Larry is the DMV director who walks in demanding to know about Butters' group. After seeing it in action, he allows it to stay, and even sees how his employees could make the DMV a more welcome place to visit, even thinking of new services the DMV could offer. Paul volunteers to kick out the group, but Larry decides against it. Clerk 1 hears Butters' confession, Clerk 2 hears Officer Barbrady's confession, and Clerk 3 answers Larry's questions. Customer 1 tells Butters just how nice DMV workers are, Customer 2 marvels at how happy Butters' group is, and Customer 3 just wants to get his license.

Informative Murder Porn

Aaron Hagen and his dad, Corey Lanskin

Peter Mullin is not pictured, since he looks exactly like Leroy Jenkins. Aaron Hagen is traumatized when he sees his father kill his mother and screams when her body is wheeled past him. An officer is sent to throw a blanket on him. Mr. Hagen, naked and covered in blood, is hauled away to jail. Corey Lanskin is an expert gamer who sees an opportunity to make some money teaching adults how to play Minecraft. He fools the boys for a little while, until Cartman realizes that he himself would fool his friends the same way.

Officer 1, Officer 2, Officer 3

The first two officers come by to visit Randy and ask him if he's seen any weird activity recently. He hasn't, so they tell him of two incidents on his block and advise him to kieep his lights on, in case someone decides to build a cabin in his back yard. The third officer tries to talk Stephen Stotch off the roof of the recreation center, on which he had built a makeshift castle.

Cable Guy and David, Mitch, President

Some guys just have to be paired together because of the things they do. The cable guy and David are such a pair. They, and Mitch, get aroused all by themselves over the exclusive power they have over the viewing habits of their customers, but David and the cable guy arouse each other in a circlejerk over that power. The President of Cable also arouses himself over the power he holds over his subscribers, offering alternatives that just make him more money.

World War Zimmerman

Woman and Man, Driver, Agents 1 (right) and 2

The couple, who are dong yardwork, see Cartman running out of his house with a gun. The woman asks, to be sure, and the man orders her to run inside. He goes in as well. The Tesla driver becomes Cartman's unwitting accomplice throughout the episode, until a moving truck slams into her and kills her. The two agents visit George Zimmerman, who hears someone in the bushes behind them. Theh agents are there to hire him to kill Token. He gets a black-faced Cartman instead.

The Flights Cartman commandeered

Passenger 1, Passenger 2, Copilot and Passenger 3, Occupant

Pilot, Flight Attendant

The first two passengers ask about the contagion, the third wants the plane to go back to Denver so he can get his wife onboard. The copilot wants some clarification from "Brad Pitt," who's injecting himself to protect against black zombies. The occupant is so named because he's occupying the lavatory. Cartman opens the lavatory door and sees him, panics, and traps him inside. Later on, he makes it out of the lavatory, only to be shot by the copilot. He ducks, so the bullet ricochets until it hits a ceiling panel and blows the plane up. The pilot wants to return to Denver, but the airport there isn't responding, so he wants to know if Los Angeles would be a good alternate. Cartman suggests Iceland, but he's told the plane won't make it there. The flight attendant is from the second flight Cartman is on, and she tells him the plane is going to Baltimore, not a city in Florida. He forces a crash in Florida anyway.

ATC Tower

Captain and Worker 1, Worker 2, Worker 3, Worker 4

The captain and the four workers, among others, try to get the situation under control. Onen of them brings a notebook Cartman left behind, and they conclude that the worst kind of contagion has arrived - the black zombies.

The Families

Gerry, Karin, Rachel and Constance

Geoerge, Wife, Daughters

The two families here are mirror images of each other, only the first one is in Cartman's dreams, based on the family in World War Z, and the second one was just concocted to mirror the first one. George Zimmerman doesn't have any children. Constance asks who Trayvon Martin is, while the younger daughter in the seond family asks what a Patient Zero is.

Goth Kids 3: Dawn of the Posers

The Emos

Emo Girl, Emo Boy 2, Henrietta, Emo Boy 1, Sarah Collins, Emo Boy 3

Henrietta was Emo for a short time, and Sarah Collins, who was a Vamp kid, didn't have any lines. The other four people in the pics above did have lines. Emo Boy 2 wanted to paint the White House black once the Emos took over the world. Emo Girl cuts herself, and might not make it to a concert because of it, she says.

Mr. Biggle, Michael's Mom and Dad

We finally meet Mr. Biggle, and Michael's parents. Michael's lack of Asian features has some people speculating that his dad had divorced or lost his mom and remarried.

Black Vamp, Mohawk Vamp

We meet two new Vamps, one of whom is more a Twilight fan than a Vamp kid. He promises to beat up anyone who is not whom they say they are. The Mohawk Vamp alerts the others that the Goths are in the conference room.

CPS Worker, Edgar Allan Poe; Sarah and Harold/JHoward Flannigan, and Host

The Goths kids go to CPS for help with Henrietta, but the CPS worker is confused as to how Goths and Emos are different. They try to explain, but to no avail. When the Goths go to the Vamps for help, they agree to call upon the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe. He turns out to be as difficult as people say Goths and Vamps are, but in the end he does help them - and proves that the plants have no supernatural powers by just noting the tags still on them. The gardener is somehow convinced that the plants are actually parasites that need human hosts to survive. When he is sufficiently scared, the ruse ends and he finds that he's in a reality show. The host comes up to him and reveals that it was Mr. Flannigan's wife's idea to carry out the ruse.

Tamiing Strange

Yo Gabba Gabba: Brobee, Toodee, Muno, Plex, and Foofa; Ryan, Dora

E! News Anchor, Sinéad O'Connor, Stage Hand, Tom Brady

Yo Gabba Gabba comes to town and Kyle takes Ike to a live show. The two characters who have big roles in this episode are Plex, the leader of the troupe, and Foofa, its breakout star. Foofa's life changes when Ike grinds on her and later becomes her manager. She appears on magazine cover and her star rises until she's invited to perform at the MTV VMAs. Ike gives up his manager role, but Foofa continues on to the stage to perform her latest song, "Pound My Sweet Strange."

Ryan shows off his cool cool trick: jumping. After Ike gets back to normal, with the correct medication, he watches shows for toddlers again, but doesn't lose his carnal knowledge. When watching Dora, he figures she has that hot Pureto Rican strange.

The E! News Anchor covers Foofa's meteoric rise to adult stardom, ending with the announcement of her raunchy performance at the VMAs. AFter that performance, Yo Gabba Gabba visit Kyle and find Foofa there with Ike. When Foofa insists on playing to adult audiences, they bring in Sinéad O'Connor to try to convince her not to go down that road. That doesn't work, as Foofa continues on to the VMAs. The stage hand lets her know she has two minutes until she goes on stage.

Tom Brady ends up receiving Ike's laxative medication, which ends with him pooping uncontrolably into his pants on the field, while Ike is getting Brady's hormones.

Terry, Wife, and Therapist; Rick

Terry is the new Canadian Health Minister, but his job is taking a terrible toll on his love life - his wife has gotten sarcastic with his absence. His best friend Rick is there for him and helps him see the light. The therapist was a waste of time as far as Terry was concerned. Terry hosted a video about Canadian puberty and got pretty far into it until he was told it was all wrong. He then went home and asked his lady why she really queefed on him.

Cody, Pat Conners, Coach Miles

Cody is the smartnician sent in to debug and fix South Park Elementary's new Intellilink service, which has made things worse instead of better. After Mr. Mackey demands that the system work once and for all, Cody offers to rip it all out and destroy it so things could go back to the way they were before. After he rips out the system and burns it up, he gives Mr. Mackey a notepad and shoots his own brains out. Mr. Mackey hires Pat Conners to come in and fix the problems the system is having, but fires her just moments later and makes her a scapegoat at the same time. Coach Miles reminds Mr. Mackey that the Intellilink system was his idea, so he should take responsibility for its failure instead of blaming someone else..

Ginger Cow

Van Halen with David Lee Roth, Davin Miller, Spirit

Davin Miller is the ginger Cartman wanted to apologize to (although he could have apologized to all of them, heh) for doubting that gingers can exists in other species. Van Halen was to perform daily in Jerusalem for ten years when world peace was declared because of the ginger cow, but that didn't happen. The Spirit appeared to Kyle, saying that his selfless act was awesome and that he should shave his head and be all peaceful about it. The Spirit failed to warn him not to let it get to his head.

Rabbis 1, 2, and 3, Rabbi 4, Israeli 1, Israeli 2

The first three rabbis came to South Park to see the ginger cow for themselves. They led the way in achieving peace in the Middle East, and were preparing for battle at the Wailing Wall when the episode ended. Rabbi 4 pointed out that the prophecy was not about a miraculous red heifer falling from the sky, but about a cow that was painted ginger by a fat boy with a small penis. Israeli 1 gave a letter to the three rabbis from the Christians and Muslims about the terms of war. This Israel was present during the discussion on the terms of war. Issraeli 2 couldn't believe what was happening in Jerusalem, what with Van Halen performing there and all.

Al Aziz Reporters, Iran Reporter, Kenyan Reporters, NHK Reporter

Anderson Cooper, CNN Reporter

Reporters from around the world covered the news of the ginger cow found in South Park, but most of them killed themselved in one way or another. Could be that the world ending sent them into a panic. The CNN reporter, on the other hand, was having a blast in Jesuralem during the brief peace the Middle East was enjoying. Anderson Cooper broke the news about the new peace in the Middle East, but was present with Stan and Kenny when Stan was about to reveal the truth behind the ginger cow.

Cleric 1, Cleric 2, Cleric 3 and Bishop, Cleric 4

Cleric 5, Cleric 6, Cleric 7, Cleric 8

Cleric 1 saw the rabbis and said something to them, but that remains untranslated. Cleric 2 threatened the rabbis with death. Cleric 3 and the Bishop agreed with Cleric 4 about the possibility for Middle Eastern peace now that they were all present and discussing the terms of war. Cleric 5 thought it epic that Van Halen were performing in Jerusalem. Cleric 6 wondered what Stan meanst when he said "Ohhhhh." Cleric 7 declared that the prophecy didn't come true after he heard Stan's report about the ginger cow. Cleric 8 just knew it was all too good to be true.

Black Friday

Ensign, Boy, Elmo and Girl, Homeowner

The Ensign is a member of the Federation, the school's Star Trek club. Two other members are the captain, played by Keven Stoley, and the communications officer, played by Dougie. The ensign tells the captain the status of the thrusters, and the captain tells him to go to warp factor 1. Cartman calls in to talk to the Captain about joining the XBox army. The Boy is seated outside by a campfire, where he wails "PlayStation..." Elmo has a commercial out for himself as the "Don't Touch Me, Elmo!" where he says dirty things to the kids who will get him for Christmas. The girl sitting with him is part of the commercial, and when he touches her inappropriately, she says the signature line, "Don't Touch Me, Elmo!" The homeowner has had enough of the boys walking through his garden and talking of betrayals. He tells them to leave!

Anchors Tammy and Tom Thompson, Reporter Niles Lawson, Sony President, Members 1 (right) and 2

The two anchors talk about Black Friday. The reporter talks to three shoppers about their plans for that day. Later on, he talks about the Black Friday Bundle that Sony just introduced in the face of dwindling sales against the XBox One. The president of Sony learns about the XBox challenge, while having sex with one of his secretaries, from two board members. The president introduces the Black Friday Bundle to get more PS4 buyers.

In the next episode, we learn that the Female Anchor is Tammy Thompson, the Male Anchor is her brother Tom Thompson, and the Reporter is Niles Lawson. Also, the Thompsons have an incestuous relationship, and Niles will sleep with anybody! Board Member 2 becomes the Sony President's translator in the next episode.

South Park Mall

Old Cap, Guard 1, Guard 2, Joe

Shopper 1, Shopper 2, Shopper 3, Shopper 4, Shopper 5

Guard 1 briefs the new recruits on what to expect on Black Friday. Guard 2 recounts his last Black Friday experience to Randy. Joe is one of two guards Randy calls by name, and he notes that it's too soon for people to be lining up for Baclk Friday. Old Cap is the chief of security at the mall. He checks up on the other guards from time to time, spooking Randy at one point. When the shoppers attacked Randy, wanting those wristbands, Old Cap game to his aide, but dies while the entrance is flooded with guards.

The first three shoppers here are interviewed by the reporter. Shopper 1 plans to get in the mall by dousing himself in pig blood and slipping past thh other customers. The second shopper wants to find a girl and have his famiily stomp on her head, to compensate for his own daughter dying in this fashion last year. Shopper 3 will bring the PAIN! Shopper 4 is there to buy a Stop Touching Me Elmo doll. as is shooper 5, but he kills Old Cap when the crowd overwhelms Randy.

Old Cap and Shopper 4 have an interesting plot here: Shopper 4 was the first one behind the velvet rope after Old Cao told the shoppers to stand behind it. Later on, he kills Old Cap with a switchblade during the riot over Black Friday and the Stop Touching Me Elmo doll.

A Song of Ass and Fire

Steve Ballmer, John, Dave, Secretary, Bill Gates, George R. R. Martin

Steve Ballmer is the new CEO at Microsoft. He's shown to be quite rational here, but he's crossed Bill Gates one too many times with his decision not to engage in commercialism. John and Dave talk to Ballmer about Cartman's plan to make sure more XBox Ones than PS4s are sold. The secretary aoounced both marketing guys and Gates. Gates (with a new look and no scar from the shooting in SP:BLU) has an assassin kill Ballmer. GRRM (George R. R. Martin) is supposed to tell Butters and Scott when the dragons will arrive, but he tells them more and more things about A Game of Thrones without ever answering the question.

Guard 3, Guards 6,5,4,7; Shopper 6, Shopper 7

Guard 3 tells Randy about the mall's decision to lower Black Friday sales another 10%, and guards 4, 5, 6, and 7 react to this news. Shoopers 6 and 7 try to show Randy that they can slow down as much as they can in order to reach Black Friday on time.

Tittes and Dragons

Rick Tellmore, Red Robin Manager, Guard 8, Rick, EVGames Clerk

Rick Tellmore sacrificed his son so that he and the other Black Friday shoopers could have food to eat while they waited for the mall doors to open. He got a DVD player out of it. The Red Robin manager helps Cartman in setting up the Red Robin Wedding, then welcomes the Goth kids when they arrive to participate. Guard 8 and Rick (Guard 2, the one Randy was talking to back in "Black Friday") met their end with the other surviving guards when the shoppers ran into the mall and trampled them down. The mall riot occurs during the Red Robin Wedding. After the riot - and Bill Gates' victory - the boys walk across the mall, through pools of blood, and go upstairs to EVGames. The clerk there is unscathed, though a man next to him is dead with a Guitar Hero guitar jabbed into him.

Sony President and staff, anime style

Secretary, Exec. 2, Sony President, Exec. 1, Secretary, Exec. 3

Secretary, Man On Street, Sony ship's Captain and Deckhand

. The Sony president and three of his executives discuss Microsoft stopping Sony's ships from shipping the SP4s to the U.S., and the president wants Princess Kenny's help, which he gets. A secretary delivers a wedding invitation to Kenny, who bids farewell to the Sony staff and flies off... but just falls and dies. A man on the street seeing Kenny crash into the street and reacts. She recovers though, and goes on to help the Sony ships move the PS4s to market. The captain isn't happy about Microsoft blocking shipment, and the deckhand notices Princess Kenny coming to the rescue.

The Hobbit

Lisa Berger, field reporter Rick, Total Self-Image Coach, Pope Francis, Person Of The Year Host

Lisa Berger is Lorraine from "Butterballs" with a new name. Lisa gets confidence when a Photoshopped image of her leaks out and has the boys noticing her. After Butters rejects her and regrets that after seeing her Photoshopped image, Clyde starts dating her. Rick pretends to be in front of a jelly school, but Wendy points out what it really is: a Dunkin' Donuts. The coach doesn't really put the girls through a workout, but instead shows them how to Photoshop themselves like pros. Pope Francis accepts the Person Of The Year Award from the Time Magazine host.