South Park Guest
Biographies: Season 16
P. Sanchez is present at IHOP as R. Booth tells the line of customers what to do before entering the bathroom, but later exclaims that the male ghost is that of John Harington. TSA Agents 1 and 2 are the installers of the safety belts on the toilets. They explain to Mrs. Cartman why they're doing this. R. Wiley carries out the asshole inspections while R. West asks if there's any metal in Randy's pockets. Cartman disposed of Wiley later on. R. West turns out to be the head TSA Chief of Operations. The obese agent is in charge of monitoring all the toilets in South Park, and he masturbates to much of what he sees. When Cartman appears onscreen with a gun, a baby, and R. Wiley bound and gagged, he calls out a breach of security.
The firefighters try to get Mrs. Donovan out of the toilet, but it's no use. The first one tries to keep her alive, the second one tells Mr. Donovan there's not much they can do for her. When Mr. Donovan asks if they can just disconnect the toilet from the plumbing, the paramedic says they could, but the suction could be even worse and rip out her organs.
The lawyer makes his living suing the dead and making lots of money off that by milking his clients. He does this by carrying out sueances, which are trials in the afterworld. When Betsy appears at the end of the episode, the lawyer is surprised to see a real ghost there. She warns Clyde that the lawyer is just swindling the boys and the town out of their money. John Harington appears when he's had enough of Betsy blaming her son for her death, and explains how his invention is supposed to be used, and what a glory hole actually is.
.Man 1 reads from a note at Betsy's funeral, putting it on women to check before they sit down. Woman 1 is shocked that this sort of discussion is occurring at the funeral, but then blames Clyde for his mom's death. Woman 2 tells R. Wiley that all she needs to do is pee. Man 2 says that men won't pee all over the seat if the seat is glued to the bowl, but woman 3 says they will. Woman 4 says they'd agree to glued seats if men will sit down to pee. Woman 5 notes that the toilet seat was up when Randy cites the news report of the terrorist who "breached" security with a gun and a baby. The logger explains why men should continue peeing standing up. The field reporter here is new, the first balding reporter shown in a newscast.
|Cash For Gold|
Clerks 1 and 2 are appraisers at cash for gold shops, and both of them offer to buy the bolo tie from Stan for far less than his grandpa paid for it. He then goes to Taco Bell and tries his luck there, but all the clerk there would give him is a 7-layer burrito, which costs under $2 and is even less than either of the other clerks offered him. Stan is stuck with the bolo tie, but makes up for it by getting a framed picture of Grandpa Marvin's dog Patches for him, and he didn't have to pay for it. Cartman pays a visit to a wholesale jewelry shop, and Clerk 4 greets him. She congratulates him on choosing such fine jewelry from her for such low prices, and he then suspects her of marking up prices just like he and Dean did.
Dean hosts his own show, Jewelry Bonanza, where he ridiculously marks up the value of the jewelry he sells, then marks it down on-air so buyers think they're getting an insanely great value. Cartman imitates this when he starts his own gold and jewelry channel, then finds out that the Asian clerks shown above do the same thing. The plant manager says he and his crew are not to blame for Stan's grandpa getting ripped off, and suggests that the boys visit the sign twirlers.
Twirler 1 tells the boys to yell to the smelters. Twirler 2 tells the boys that the jewelry the shopping networks are selling comes from India, not from the twirlers. Twirler 3 begins to realize something, and Twirler 4 confirms the realization.
Professor Lamont is the instructor sent to South Park Elementary to enlighten the boys on the dangers of memeing. He goes so far as to load a gun with one bullet and has Butters put it in his mouth. Butters doesn't try to take it out once it's in there, fearing he would kill himself if he accidentally pulls the trigger and gets the bullet. The two experts pay him a visit and take him to the gym so he can explain what this new meme of cat-breading is all about. This leads to the Ambassador of Humans shown below. In "BLOODY SUNDAY" the narrator explores the various memes that have popped up over the years and how far in history memes go. He then presents three different scenarios in which one of the participants (Ryan, Tommy, and Pete) dies from obliteration by train (between two cul-de-sacs, a remote road, and on a wall next to a small parking lot). All three die while Tebowing.
The camera boy and scooting boy try to get Taylor Swifting viral when Stan and friends interrupt with their Faith Hilling. The eight kids get into a brawl and the other four kids end up in the hospital. They return to get Taylor Swifting off the ground, but this time with Stan doing the Taylor Swifting. We see the kids a third time when Cartman and friends, with Stan back in the fold, are trying to get cat-breaded-Taylor-Swift-reoprting viral. Girl 1 thinks this budding meme is cool. Teen 1 is one of two teens who die in the batting cage trying to evade 100-mph fastballs while Oh-Long-Johnsoning. The teen is killd by one of the pitches. Bobby and his father walk by Kyle and Cartman when Cartman is Faith Hilling. Bobby asks what they're doing and his father explains the meme. The boy finds it droll. The doctor steps out of Planned Parenthood and asks Kyle if they're available to entertain his patients - the patients could use a good time machine. An ambassador of humans is appointed to communicate with the Oh-Long-Johnson cat to find out what its demands are, and relays to the expertts that the cat is talking of world domination, with the blood of humans running down the streets.
The lead agent and the angel with him discuss what to do when word comes to them that someone is about to Faith Hill the Republican debate. Agent 2 notices someone under the stage and alerts the other agents, who the mobilize and chase Cartman off the stage. They see the other boys but can't catch up to them. The first reporter talks about a new meme called "reporting," and is promptly mowed down by a train. The second reporter talks about pandering and is also promptly mowed down by a train. Both men start Oh-Long-Johnsoning before the trains hit them.
The four Republican candidates are there just to establish the setting for the episode. Ron Paul drops out of the race and the Oh Long Johnson rabbit takes his place. The debate becomes one between humans and cats. Cartman interrupts the debate with a Faith Hilling song and everyone forgets about the debate. The man is in the audience and asks his friend if he's seen Faith Hilling that good before.
Mr. Billings is the president of Sooper Foods supermarket, which sponsors the South Park Easter Egg Hunt every year. His motto: Fun and Safe. When he hears about the Jewpacabra, he takes measures to assure the hunt is fun and safe. This includes taking Cartman to a water slide in the Bahamas. Associate 2 is the volunteer who signs the kids up for the Easter egg hunt. Associate 1 is Mr. Peters, who assures Mr. Billings that there's a 1 in 100 miilion chance of a Jewpacabra eisting. Mr. Billings decides not to take that chance. Associate 3 reminds Cartman that the Jewpacabra is after him, and later on bastes him to make him easier for the Jewpacabra to find and devour. Once the sacrificial bunn man is gone, Easter Sunday arrives and the Easter egg hunt is on.
These three gents are from the Animal Planet show Findng Bigfoot. There's a woman with them, but she has no lines here. They hunt for sasquatches and Bigfeet. They take Cartman's footage seriously, and then tell him that because he was the one who filmed the Jewpacabra, he would be the one it's after. Once Cartman is dressed up as a bunny, the execs take him to the park and tie him to a block there. The Finding Bigfoot crew finds a bunny man and Bobo shoots it with a tranquilizer dart gun. They walk off with the evidence - the dart gun used on Cartman.
After Cartman is tranquilized by Bobo, he passes out and has a vivid dream of being in ancient Egypt during the time of Exodus. He wonders what's going on, and an Eyptian man tells him that the plagues are coming. Then he meets Kyle, who fills him in. Cartman goes to talk to Pharaoh, who treats him like a son and explains to him why the Hebrews must stay in Egypt. He also explains that the Egyptian god is not cruel like the Hebrew god is. He and Cartman begin to sing, and Cartman leaves the palace. He sees Hebrews slaughtering lambs and asks Kyle why they're doing this. Kyle explains that this is how God does things. Cartman walks through the palace and sees a first-born boy ask why he's dying, and the boy vomits blood and die. Cartman runs through the streets and passes another boy after seeing that boy's head explode. He then passes a Hebrew man offering him a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. Cartman won't eat it because the bread is so flat.
Stan learns of Butters getting bullied, but can't get Butters to say whom it is. Still, he reports the bullying to Bucky Bailey and his Bully Buckers organization. Mr. Bailey pays Mr. Mackey a visit to talk to him about getting an assembly together to address the bullying poblem. Mr. Mackey protests that he has an assembly on positie thinking, but Bailey rolls over him and gets him to do the anti-bullying assembly. During the assembly, Bailey brings out Lorraine, who's been bullied for her looks, if not her clothes. Bailey later gets bullied by Nick Jabs, who runs the movie studo that bought Stan's video, and who gives Bailey a cease and desist letter. Jabs is later incensed at Stan for letting Butters appear on the Dr. Oz show without realizing that Butters could snap at any moment. Jabs in turn gets bullied by Jesus for bullying Stan and other people.
Dr. Oz interviews both Stan and Butters, but pushes Butters too far and Butters attacks him, punching him senseless. Dr. Oz later sues Stan and South Park Elementary for Butters' actions on the Dr. Oz show. During the filming of Stan's song, "Make Bullying Kill Itself," the older girl crosses the hall and calls Butters a dork as he's carried by two sixth-graders in a steel and glass cube.
Grammy is Linda's mom and quite a tough woman. She picks on Butters and tries to make him tougher, but Butters knows he's not cut out for it. He takes all her abuse, coming to understand that in the end, she'll die and he'll be older. He won't be the tough man she wants him to be, but he'll be happy with himself.
The singers sing about jacking it in San Diego. They appear several times during their song. During the song, Mayor Jerry Sanders pops in to extol several wonderful places in the city, and invites everyone to jack it on any of San Diego's lovely streets after a wonderful day sight-seeing. A car passenger remarks on Stan jacking it on a street corner.
|I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining|
Michael leads the zipline tour and his wife helps him out by driving the tour van and setting up lunch. She reminds Michael about some horse stables near the lunch area that the boys can go to in order to get out of the woods. The tourists whose names are grayed out don't have any lines in this episode. Man 3 and Woman 1 are later to be revealed as Pete and Donna Nichols, and Pete begins to tell his life story to Stan and Kenny. Cartman eventually interrupts him. Man 2 is the one with all the questions, and Stan refers to him as Asshole because the man makes the tour longer than Stan thinks it should be. Woman 2 is quite pregnant, as you can see when she pats her belly from time to time, and her husband is Man 4, who has a tattoo on his left shoulder. Man 1 and Woman 3 are Ricky's parents.
The boys come across the rancher, who offers them a way back to town, but it turns out to be a horseback-riding tour being led by Duncan. Rider 1 begins to tell his life story to Kyle while Rider 2 wants to know more about Heartbreak Falls.
|Cartman Finds Love|
Nichole is the new girl in school and she takes a liking to Kyle. Cartman doesn't like this, so he steers her to Token by telling her that he and Kyle are a gay couple. She later learns from Kyle that Cartman did that so she and Token could hook up as the one black couple in school. Her father William is disappointed that Nichole went for the black boy instead of expanding her horizons and dating non-black boys. After she finds the racist tag on the teddy bear, she breaks up with Token and goes to the basketball game with Kyle, which pleases William. Her mother is more tolerant than William is.
Cupid-Me is Cartman's romantic alter ego, a cupid that looks every bit like Cartman except for the curly hair. Cupid-Me shoots arrows into Nichole, Token, and Stacey, getting Nichole and Token to fall in love and Stacey to fall for Cartman (it fails to shoot Cartman). Brad Paisley sings the Star-Spangled Banner and later sings backup for Cartman.
The man in the commercial is pitching Soft-Serve Chewable Laxatives. His pitch is so persuasive that Cartman is inspired to resume his match-making. The guard tries to stop Cartman from entering the Pepsi Center, but Cartman doesn't have a ticket and goes in anyway. The spectator is the first one to leave his seat after Cartman announces that there's a Bat-Mobile outside that everyone should see. Stacey Mullenberg tries to shoot a free throw, but it falls way short of the basket. When she opens her mouth, her breath scares everyone off. Cupid-Me finds her to be Cartman's perfect match and so tries to hook them up, but Cartman isn't having it. Cupid-Me shoots four arrows into Stacey's head and she goes after Cartman.
Tom Brady is part of a commercial for Butters' Creamy Goo. He chugs it down and is ready to get back in the game. Pyeton Manning is disheartened that he and the team have to practice on a Monday. Randy wants him to be more sarcastic about it, and he obliges. Randy approves. The first cheerleader says "Go Broncis Go!" and the second one says "Whoop de fuckin' do!"
In a wet dream, Butters is greeted by a crowd of fangirls who scream at him as he drives by looking cool. This fangirl is just one of them, but she tells him she loves him. Number 24 heckles at Randy in the sidelines by saying "Lovin', not shovin'." Cee Lo sings the sarcastaball anthem, which is modeled on the American Anthem. Fan 1 is glad to see more Cee Lo on TV, fan 2 is a big fan of all his hit song.
Roger Goodell joins Dan and another commentator on commentary in the Broncos - Cleveland Browns game. Later on he brings Randy into the new sarcastaball league and names him the new coach of the Denver Broncos. Jim Rome is the host of Football Tonight, and in intervieews Randy via satellite about his victory over the Steelers. He promotes Butters' Creamy Goo during his show, but learns later that he was promoting semen from a boy, who's surely grounded for a long time. The side judge looks at the replay on a controversial call (touchdown or safety?) and declares it a field goal, in Denver's favor. The doctor who looks at Randy tells both Randy and Sharon that the sarcasm has done permanent damage to Randy's brain, so Randy does his best to warn others against sarcasm.
The photographer gets a photo-op with Randy and Commissioner Roger Goodell after Randy becomes the new Broncos' coach, while the two reporters interview Randy in the post-game conference after the Broncos' win against the Steelers.
|Raising The Bar|
Honey Boo Boo appears just before she goes to hospital for a heart transplant. She and her mom Mama go to a pig farm to get a pig with just the right attributes to keep Honey Boo Boo competitive in pageants. Mama does what she can to keep Honey Boo Boo in pageants, even at Honey's risk, and this includes sketti and butter dinners, By the end of the episode she wonders how she let herself get as big as she is, and how she let her daughter follow in her footsteps.
At Wall*Mart the first obese man wants to get past the boys, and they make way for him. The obese lady asks Cartman if what he's holding are candy corn Oreos. He says they are, then tosses them into her basket and walks away. The second obese man becomes the first victim of Rascal-tipping.
The farmer shows Honey Boo Boo all hispigs and has her choose one or another for her new heart. The Denny's greeter offers Cartman a window booth. The legless boy is in the express line for a Disney ride, and Cartman wants him out of line because the boy is not fat.
Randy Newman writes the theme song for Here Come Fatty Poo Poo and appears in the opening credits of that show, then appears later on at the bottom of the deepest ocean trying to keep the bar as low as possible so he could stay employed. The ticket teller announces that pre-boarding was now on and Cartman rolls right on in. Michelle Obama's aide notices that she's not looking very well. Michelle then snaps out of it and puts a stop to the sketti wrestling match.
Before he goes on to Avatar 2, James Cameron takes it upon himself to raise the bar of decency from the depths of the ocean. He finds that it is lower now than it was when Bill Clinton had relations with Monica Lewinsky (or at least blew his load on her dress after receiving a blowjob from her). Crewman 1 is the leader of Cameron's crew and tries to convince him that he doesn't have to raise the bar. After Cameron has been at the bottom for far too long (much of it fighting Randy Newman), Crewman 2 wonders if he's dead; the Crewman 3 hopes so. Crewman 4 is surprised that Cameron actually found thte bar. Crewman 5 tells Cameron that the crew can't believe that he found the bar and raised it, and Crewman 6 wonders if anyone will ever know what James Cameron did for them. James responds somewhat enigmatically that he does what he does because he is whom he is, but not for himself.
Cartman calls in a cat burglar to rape his mom, but Cartman is actually testing out Wolf's response time. He's not happy, as every minute that passes without response is another minute the cat burglar has with his mom. The officer finds the UPS uniform that causes the misunderstandings that lead to Thad's death. The man and woman catch the men of the town, wearing Bane masks, beating up Thad. They run off after being spotted. Thad delivers stuff to everyone in town, usually from Amazon, but finds himself in trouble for having sex with every woman in town. The persecutiion, and the lack of response from Wolf INsecurity, leads to his death.
These men all work for Wolf Security and its two daughter companies, Wolf Home Security and INsecurity. The agent comes by to introduce the products and get new customers... until Cartman and the men grab him in in the end. The spokesman shows off the many benefits of INsecurity in the INsecurity commercial. The telephone operators take calls and call in police when necessary, but often their service is lacking, which is what pisses Cartman off.
The people here dramatize possible scenarios in which someone threatens them or their children. The husband and wife have twin daughters who are threatened at the beach by a passing stranger with a crowbar. The boy and his mom are in a shoe store when the salesman threatens the boy with a large knife. In both scenarios, the menace runs off after an INsecurity alarm goes off.
The blond man greets Kenny first, and later on announces that the Mahalo Rewards Card is being eliminated. Donna menntions that Poipu is getting overpopulated, while Bill calls out to the group when Kenny returns with the ingredients for the chichis. The older man drives his group around, showing Kenny and Butters the sights of Kauai. Patty explains terms from time to time. Chief David is the leader of the Residents. He officiates over Butters' hapa noa and leads the other residents against the cruise ship and the Coast Guard. Reisdent 4 is with the welcoming party, and he is the hawk amongst the residents, on the lookout against any haoles who might infiltrate the group. Resident 5 has trouble blowing into the conch horn, and he tells theh residents to not trust haoles. Reisent 8 comforts Butters when they see Kenny float down the Opaeka'a Stream. The other residents have small roles.
The frst mate wonders why the residents are firing golf balls at the cruise ship. The couple recount how they were forced back onto theh cruis ship and the woman mentions Butters calling her a skank. The Coast Guard captain tries to get the natives to calm down, but has to fire back when he and his men are attacked with golf balls. The ticket teller wouldn't let Butters onto his flight, but Kenny agrees to go with him if the teller lets him onto the plane. The information officer asks Butters if he's with the cruise tourists or land tourists. The King... Well, Elvis makes an appearance as the ghost of Coco Palms. He guides Kenny to a vault full of vodka, pineapple juice and coconut milk, the three things needed to make chichis.
|A Nightmare On Face Time|
Officer 1 announces that a kid (Stan) is in the hospital and saw everything the Red Box Killers did when robbing the Kum & Go. Officer 3 takes down Stan's statement and later on goes inside the Gangnamstein costume. Later on he's shot dead by the very officers who had him go undercover into the Monster Mash to find the Red Box Killers. Officers 2 and 4 take turns shushing each other when one of them corrects Capt. Yates.
The Red Box Killers go around robbing Red Boxes and killing anyone who gets in their way. Robber 1 leads the others and interrogates Stan through Kyle's iPad. He has robbers 2 and 3 dispose of the iPad where no one is likely to find it. Robber 4 comes in with a flier showing where the boys were headed, and the killers go to the Monster Mash to look for them.
The first couple and Man 2 greet the boys as they come trick-or-treating. Both Man 1 and Man 2 fail to recognize Cartman as Hulk. Gangnamstein runs into Man 3 while looking for the Red Box Killers. The banana realizes that Gangnamstein is a much better outfit than his own.
Fillmore and his friend lose a play ball that bounces across the street and stops at Blockbuster's doors. Randy picks it up and asks them if they want to rent some DVDs. The boys don't know what they are, which Randy interprets as a way of saying Blockbusters are creepy. He challenges them on that and they run away. He throws the ball after them. Ben and his girlfriend play a nice role here: first they notice that the Blockbuster has reopened, but they're afraid to approach it. When they see Randy, they run away. Later on, they come by Kyle's iPad and see Stan on it. Once they wake him, he tells them to warn his friends about the Red box Killers, and they take him - er, Kyle's iPad - to the hospital for observation. When Gangnamstein goes on the rampage he breaks into a living room and scares the family watching a movie on their XBos, then breaks into a boy's room where two boys are watching [Halloween 4 on an iPad] and scares them away as well.
Emily looks for Turner & Hooch but can't find it. When Randy offers to tell her where it is, she vanishes. Later, her husband comes looking for her but can't find her. Finally, Randy talks to an all-knowing ghost who suggests that Randy's Blockbuster will be successful if he gets rid of his Negative Nancys, Stan and Sharon. Randy won't do it.
|A Scause for Applause|
The pharmacist here is cutting off yellow wristbands from people who don't want anything to do with the icon those wristbands were made for. The first man doesn't say much when his wristband is cut off, but the second man wants his off immediately. And now to the star of the episode, P.F. Pitief. All he does is make and sell wristbands, which he calls scauses. He's quite successful at it because people want to show solidarity with the causes they love, and there's no limit to the number of causes that exist. By the time he leaves town, the townfolk are covered in wristbands and have lost all their sense - er, cents.
I don't normally include a character in an episode that has appeared in previous episodes, but sometimes their appearance changes over the years, so Charlie Rose is here to show how he's changed in 12 years. His three guests are Stan, Chris Martin, and a retarded fish... who can talk. Chris Martin is a firebrand who often gets into the camera when he's on a roll. The retarded fish makes various sounds until the end, when he responds in a normal way to Charlie Rose asking him if he has anything further to add.
The scientist here didn't expose Lance Armstrong, as I thought he would, but he did expose Stan, who clamied he never once cut off his wristband. The scientist wanted to be sure Stan wasn't lying, so he had the bracelet examined... and saw that the wristband was cut off and superglued back together, and colored with a yellow marker to hide the cut even more. His wife seems a bit needy, as she has him do all sorts of things for her as she reads in bed. The farmer and worker here symbolize the two opposing groups in Belarus fighting over land - the farmers and the government.
The five characters here have minor roles in the episode. Steve Nelson represents Nike and gets Stan to make a commercial for the show brand. The clerk gets starstrcuk when he sees the inspiration for STANground products in his store. The field reporter barges into the classroom with the scientist, a lawyer, and a group of other men, and reports on the evolving WWJD wristband controversy involving Stan, who is still wearing his. The moviegoer and waiter are in the Nike commercial - the moviegoer asks Stan to sit down while the clerk asks if Stan will have a seat.
The Secret Service agent tells President Obama that General Tsao is on the line for him, and the President promptly picks up. Make and the other agent report to Candidate Duck that he might have won the Presidency, to which the duck responds by spewing shit out his mouth. General Tsao is in town to talk to President Obama about acquiring Star Wars in order to make the final three sequels. Tsao and his men have helped Obama become President again by hiring an American boy to steal all the ballots from the swing states. That boy - Cartman - won't work for free - he wants a role in the sequels for helping the Chinese get the swing votes.
When a story gets particularly comvoluted, there's only one guy to call to sort this out for the common viewer - Morgan Freeman. For every clarification, he gets a new freckle on his face. Mr. Stevenson is the town's Hummer dealer, but no one is buying Hummers anymore, and Cartman figures Mr. Stevenson's dealership is the one place in town no one will ever find the missing ballots. Wolf Blitzer announces the election results and the ensuing controversy over the missing swing votes. Chris gets to announce the prize for someone saying the General Tsao's chicken joke for the millionth time.
Here are a few random people. More of them had lines, but we never get a good view of their faces, so they're not included. The two poll workers try to help Cartman find his mom. The doctor tells the boys to be careful with Butters, as Butters is recovering from an almond allergy. Three flight attendants have lines, but only this one has a face to remember. They were all offering warm nuts to male passengers... hmmm...
Officers 1 and 2 check Cartman's house for the missing swing ballots, but he had already taken them to the car dealership. When the police show up at the dealership, Officer 3 asks if those ballots are what he thinks they are, and they are. Officer 5 is confused about it all until Morgan Freeman shows up again to explain the situation - and earns even more freckles.