South Park Guest
Biographies: Season 12

Tonsil Trouble

Dentist, Doctor

The dentist works at Hell's Pass Hospital, but he does home visits as well. He comes by Cartman's house to check out his tonsils and tells him they have to come out. Liane takes him to the hospital to have them taken out, but learns something else: Cartman now has HIV because of some infected blood the dentist injected into him. The doctor shows up when he alerts the principal about the presence of an HIV victim at school, and goes on to explain that Cartman has AIDS, but that the other boys can't get it from him. They can treat Cartman as they usually do.

M.C., Waitress, Jimmy Buffett

The M.C. announces the things done so far to find a cure for Cartman's HIV both times. The first time, it's just Cartman and his mom at one table, Jimmy and Butters at another. The second time, all of South Park is there. The first time, the announcer says that Elton John was called away to a cancer benefit, so someone else fills in for him. The waitress mentions who it is: Jmmy Buffett. Buffett sings two songs the first time, and a variation on the first song the second time.

Airline Clerk, Flight Attendant

The clerk listens to the boys' story and tells them he has good deals for cancer patients, but none for AIDS patients. Cartman leaves for another airline. When the boys are in their seats on a plane, a flight attendant asks them what kind of cancer they have, and Cartman tells her all-over cancer, but that it's not as bad as AIDS. The attendant tells him she'd rather have cancer, but Cartman throws a fit and sends her away.

Anchorman, Driver in Nigeria

The anchorman announces the AIDS cure on TV, and a white driver in Nigeria drives from town to town hopping out, announcing the news, and hopping back in.

Magic Johnson, Magic's Butler

Kyle and Cartman visit Magic Johnson to find out the secret of his beating AIDS. Magic's butler alerts Magic to their presence and ask him to speak to the boys. He gives them a tour of his mansion and tells them he exercises and eats healthy foods, but he doesn't know what exactly is keeping his T-cell count high. They ask to see where he sleeps, which he does, but he says it's just a regular bedroom. Kyle notices something different, and Magic realizes Kyle means the money. Magic tells the boys that he doesn't trust banks, so he sleeps with his money. Suddenly he wonders if it's the presence of money that's keeping him healthy.

Scientist 1, Scientist 2, Scientist 3, Scientist 4, Mitch

The first scientist analyzes Magic's blood and sees the HIV attacking white blood cells. He asks Mitch to have a look, and then waves a brick of bills near the blood sample to show what happens when money is brought near the HIV. Mitch reports that the HIV is receding. Scientist 2 walks in and objects that the cash is merely destabilizing the HIV, not destroying it. Kyle and Mitch surmise that if enough cash is injected into the bloodstream, the HIV could be killed off entirely. Scientist 2 thinks about it and then agrees. Kyle is injected with the cash, and the cash particles replace the HIV particles. Once the injection proves successful, Scientist 1 announces it to the rest of the AIDS research center. Scientist 3 asks what the cure is, and Scientist 4 rejoices.

Britney’s New Look

Britney and the VMAs

Britney, Denver Doctor, Manager, Sound Engineer, Britney's Aides

Security Guard, VJ, Man at the VMAs, Woman at the VMAs

Britney Spears tries to get away from it all, and ends up in South Park. Unfortunately, the paparazzi follow her and take pictures of her setting up camp in the woods nearby, going so far as to film a close-up of her peeing on a ladybug. Her look changes radically when Stan and Kyle get to see her after convincing the security guard that they're her sons - when she sees she's been duped, she shoots her face off. The guard comes up to check on her after Cartman and Butters run out, and ends up speechless. Britney survives the suicide attempt and ends up at Denver Medical Center. Her attending doctor dotes on Britney and closes the curtain after paparazzi begin to gather at the window to take pictures. Her manager finds her there and arranges for a side-door exit after a reporter for Star Weekly breaks through the window to continue taking pictures. The escape almost succeeds, but the paparazzi swarm the car and stall the escape for a few moments. The manager takes Britney to the recording studio so she can put out some songs and get back in the saddle. The female aide says she's a trainwreck; the male aide thinks she's stoned again. The sound engineer says Britney is fat and dumb. Stan tries to point out why she'd dumb, but the engineer isn't listening.Britney makes an appearance at the VMAs. The VJ introduces her and Britney comes out to dance clumsily. The man and woman at the VMAs critique her singing and appearance.

The Media

Ron, Robert Pooner, Tracy, Leslie

Tom, Chris, VMA Reporter, ET Reporter

Ron and Tracy are the two anchors on FOX News who cover Britney Spears in a segment dedicated to her: "Britney Watch!" Robert Pooner and Leslie are the two field reporters for the same segment. They focus on various parts of her body or on her bodily functions while just touching on the deeper meanings of her actions. Tom, Chris and the VMA reporter comprise a second team of reporters who takes over for Ron and his crew from time to time. Chris mentions the boob job scar while the VMA reporter covers Britney's performance and its aftermath. After the fruitful harvest, an ET report focuses on Miley Cyrus' rise to stardom. Shoppers at South Park Market see the report and start chanting. The reporter just smiles at the camera..

Moderator, Barack Obama, Train Clerk, Train Conductor, Male passenger

Bob Summers, Gil and Bill

FOX is hosting a Democratic presidential debate when breaking news about Britney Spears comes on just as Barack Obama starts to speak about military spending. The debate returns just as Hillary Clinton makes a racial statement. Stan and Kyle purchase tickets to the North Pole so that Britney can get even further away from the paparazzo. but the train doesn't make it there. The conductor recognizes Britney in the passenger car and asks someone on the phone what he should do next. Bob Summers is a mayor of a small town where the manager takes Kyle and the VMA reporter. Here, Kyle learns what the real plan is for Britney. Once the train conductor gets the order, he stops the train in some fields near a farmhouse. The passenger why the train is stopped in the middle of nowhere. The paparazzi again find Britney, and Stan takes her outside and runs through the fields with her. Gil and Bill are two farmers who sell corn at the Farmer's Market in the small town Britney finally died in. Gil compliments Bill on his corn.

Major Boobage

All About Cheesing

Father, Daughter, Reporter on Cheesing, Press Conference Reporter

The boys decide to try concentrated cat urine after Mr. Mackey discusses ways to get high, and Kenny becomes the test subject. After he gets hit with the urine, he goes into an altered state. In this state he visits a desert planet where he runs into this beautiful woman wearing a cowboy hat. She has no lines, but her father does. He tells Kenny to disrobe and to massage his daughter's awesome rocking tits. Kenny begins to disrobe when Cartman finds him disrobing on the sidewalk. The reporter on cheesing covers the story soon after Kenny cheeses for the first time, telling parents the warning signs to look for. Another reporter covers the press conference Gerald has to give once his own cheesing is leaked to the press. Gerald rescinds his cat ban, legalizing cats once again. It turns out Randy, too, has cheesed in the past.

The Cat Owmers and the DEA Agent

DEA Agent, Girl, Scrambles' Owner, Nishka's Owner

When the DEA is brought in to take away all the cats, the DEA agent pictured here chides the girl for whining for her cat, and he calls her a druggie. He later takes away one of Kenny's cats. The agents get Scrambles, among other cats, and his owner says they'll miss him. Nishka's owner brings her cat to Cartman for safekeeping, since he's providing sanctuary to several cats who haven't been taken. When Scrambles is returned to his owner, he scratches the owner all over the face and head.

Canada on Strike

UN Delegates from Britain, Switzerland, France, and Japan

A Nun, Danish Couple and Female Reporter, Male Reporter, Husband and Wife

The four UN delegates at first wonder why the Canadians are striking. Mr. Abootman says it's for respect and for Internet money. (There's a feeling that writers, because they're not in front of the camera or in the upper levels of TV programming, are invisible and easily forgotten, so there's not much respect for them. And the writers focused on the Internet as a source of income in their demands). After discussing the situation, the delegates come back with bubblegum and coupons to Bennigan's for all Canadians (there are no Bennigan's in Canada). Mr. Abootman accepts, on the condition that it looks like great effort on his part leading to victory.
A nun looks at Butters' YouToob vide and comments on it. The Danish couple interviewed by the lady reporter hope that the U.S. will see them as acceptable replacements for the Canadians, as the Danish have some Canadian features, live in a country others can't find on a map, and are considered the Canadians of Europe. The male reporter is in fromt of Butters' house recounting Butters' rise to Internet fame. The couple drives by Kyle's house when they see Ike on strike. They honk their horn a few times and drive on.

Internet Stars and the Clerk who's suppose to pay them.

Clerk, Chocolate Rain Guy, Afro Ninja, Chris Crocker

Numa Numa, Star Wars Kid, Tron Guy

This clerk works for DIM, the Department of Internet Money. She tells Stan and the boys to wait in line for their Internet money. When they enter the waiting room, they find these characters waiting for their money too. Their videos are well-know, so there's no need to describe them here. The Chocolate Rain Guy asks Butters about the number of people who've seen his video, "What What (In The Butt)." When Kyle asks to go ahead of him so the Canadians could get their money faster, Chocolate Rain Guy holds his ground. Star Wars Kid protests, and pretty soon everyone is fighting except the boys. Kyle decides the boys will wait their turn, but it's too late: the Internet stars kill each other off. The Panda kills off three, The Chocolate Rain Guy kills off a few more, including the panda. The Dramatic Look Gopher kills off Chocolate Rain Guy with a really hard stare, but a final bullet from Chocolate Rain Guy's gun kills the gopher. The boys can safely get their Internet money.


Stephen Abootman and his aides, Weird Hat Guy, Canadian Woman 2

Café 180 Patron, Canadian Woman 1, Border Guard

Man 1, Lumberjack, Man 2, Man 3

Stephen Abootman decides to lead Canada on strike so that the world could appreciate Canada's contributions to the world, and to get more money for its economy. Unfortunately, Mr. Abootman wants Internet money, which is given to him as a theoretical check. He negotiates with the UN for $3008 in Bennigan's coupons and bubblegum. The guy in a weird hat pops in when Mr. Abootman asks Terrance and Phillip if they think the strike is funny. The second Canadian woman alerts the other Canadians to a news segment about the Canadian strike.
The characters in rows 2 and 3 each have at least one line in the song. The border guard pulls down his curtain. The Café 180 patron tells everyone to suck his Canadian balls, then gives the finger to people twice..

Eek, A Penis!

Denver School Board Reps, Mrs. Miller, Teen Girl, Melita

The Denver School Board Reps hear of Cartman's success as student teacher and invite him to teach at one of their toughest schools. Cartman accepts, for $300. Cartman ends up at Jim Davis High School and is introduced to his class by Mrs. Miller, the school principal. She's a tough woman. Two teen girls are featured here: the first one doesn't want to be called a cheater, but Cartman tells her she'll be called savvy if she cheats and succeeds. Melita thinks all this time spent cheating is pointless, since she's pregnant and her chances at getting into college are therefure slim anyway. Cartman impresses on her that abortion is the ultimate form of cheating, and that she should get one. Whether she actually did or not is not known, although she, like the rest of her classmates, got 100% on her SAP test.

Rodriguez, Teen Boy 2, Teen Boy 3, Teen Boy 4

Teen Boy 5, Teen Boy 6, Teen Boy 7, Teen Boy 8

Rodriguez would give his attention to Mrs. Miller all night long. Teen Boy 6 thinks cheating is bullshit, but a pickup game with Cartmanez makes him think. He returns to class later to give cheating a chance. Teen Boy 7 keeps score during the pickup game. Teen Boy 2 doesn't know what to make of his new short teacher, but by the end of the episode he's accepted Cartmanez enough to tell him his methods are worthless because the students have to take the SAP test in a heavily monitored room. The other boys make comments here and there.

Researcher 1, Researcher 2

Reasercher 1 is the one who handles Mrs. Garrison's request to grow a new penis on the back of a mouse, which he does successfully. Researcher 2 tells the others not to let the penis out of the lab, but a researcher coming in from outside could not have heard that command.

Komfort Inn Couple, Woman in Fitness Room

Faggoncini Couple, Two Women Diners

The couple at the Komfort Inn is the first couple to be exposed to Mrs. Garrison's penis after the Stotches. The woman in the Komfort Inn's firness room is the second. Garrison chases it into the steam room. Later on, the penis runs into Buca de Faggoncini's and scares the women there. The husbands have no idea what's going on.

Chef, New Officer, Mr. Thompson

The chef at Buca de Faggoncini is about to take a rolling pin to the penis-mouse when Garrison steps into the kitchen and tells him not to. He later goes after it with Garrison and the cops, but stops when it drops into the sewer. One of the cops chasing after the penis-mouse was the one who told Sgt. Yates about the report of a penis at Buca de Faggoncini. Mr. Thompson is a teacher at South Park Elementary we haven't seen before.

The News Anchor in this episode is not pictured, as he first appeared as the field reporter covering the VMAs in "Britney's New Look." Mitch is not pictured here since he is Officer Harris from Season 8's "The Jeffersons."

Over Logging

Internet Scientists

Scientist 1 and 2, General, Scientist 3, Scientist 5

Scientists 1 and 2 take the general to the Internet's underground bunker and shows him what it looks like. He's awed by its appearance and tries to communicate with it as if it could understand human speech. Scientist 3 announces he has Internet, and scientist 5 reports that everything is running normally. The general was at the bunker because the President was angry that the Internet wasn't working.

The Transient Camp

Transient Man 1, Old-Timer, Transient Man 2 and 6, Transient Man 5 3 and 4, Some Transients In Color

These transients were also without their Internets. Transient Man 5 lost his two kids because the page they were trying to read was loading very slowly - they died of starvation three days after they clicked on the page, and the page hadn't yet loaded half way. The old-timer had a computer parts store that went under when the Internet disappeared. When the Internet returns, Transient Man 1 wants to go on a bout of e-mailing people, Transient Man 4 wants to click on everything in site, even a popup ad. Transient Man 2 is hopeful, and Transient Man 3 hears there's so much Internet in California that someone could roll aruond in it. Transient Man 6 doesn't say anything until he's at the Internet refugee camp clicking at the dancing kitty Web site.

The Internet Refugee Camp

Refugee Man 1 amd 2, Refugee Man 3, Refugee Man 4, Refugee Man 5, Refugee Woman

Volunteer 1, Volunteer 2, Volunteer 3, Volunteer 4

Refugee Men 1 and 2 welcome the Marshes to the refugee camp, but Refugee Man 2 tells them that the camp only has a little Internet. Refugee Man 3 tells them each family gets 40 seconds of Internet a day. Refugee Man 4 can't complete his Amazon book order because his alloted time is up. Refugee Man 5 has set up a quick little business running an Internet porn simulator. Randy tries it out, but can't masturbate because the simulator has no sound or motion - just static stick-figure images. The woman is waiting for her turn at the computer, but the Red Cross volunteers put it away for the night, and she's upset.
Volunteer 1 just tells Randy to bear with the 40-second time limit. Volunteer 2 keeps watch over the one computer with Internet access and makes sure everyone keeps the alloted time. Exceed it and he calls MPs to haul you off. Randy tries to get Volunteer 3 to give him some time alone with the Internet; the volunteer tells him to get lost. Volunteer 4 tells volunteer 2 to get the keys after they hear sounds coming from the storage shed. Once inside, he checks the computer and sees the Internot is gone.

News 4 Anchormen, Field Reporter, Starbucks Clerk

Man 2 and 3, Motel Clerk, Amir

The Starbucks clerk tells the townsfolk that its Internet is down as well. When Randy suggests the Mac store, Man 2 tells him that'd be a waste of time, as he had just come from there. Man 3 asks if anyone remembers where they got their news before the Internet became so integral to our lives. Randy remembers... television! They soon discover that even television news depends on the Internet: the two reporters can't report on anything because their Internet sources are down. They finally get around to sending a reporter to the Internet bunker when they get a fax telling them the government is getting down to the bottom of this. The motel clerk has no room at the motel, so he tells the Marshes they would have to go to the transient camp a mile down the road. Shelley keeps talking about an online boyfriend, even mentioning his name, but we don't see him until the very end. He is... Amir, a Montana boy Shelley has been i-chatting with for a while now.

Super Fun Time

Pioneer Village Employees

Pioneer Paul, Smithy, Clerk, Gunsmith, Murderin' Murphy

Sheriff McLawdog, Worker, Woman, Woman 2

Pioneer Paul runs this here Village. He makes sure everyone who works there stays in character until closing time at 5 p.m. To protect the "gold mine"'s access code from being revealed, he'll shoot any employees, like the Worker in the second row, who might reveal it. Sheriff McLawdog only gets to introduce himself before he's killed. Murderin' Murphy played his role rather well. The two smiths and the clerk - the storehand - basically tell who they are and what they do in the village. The women don't have any jobs in the village, as they're not to know what's going on in town.

The Cops

Police Chief, Lieutenant, Officer 1, Officer 2, 911 Operator

The police chief and lieutenant are on the case, barking orders to other cops. Apart from the eyebrows, the nose and the wardrobe, the police chief looks like Officer Jenkins from "Lil' Crime Stoppers." Officer 1 asks what the robbers robbed, while Officer 2 reports that the coast is clear for the cops to go in after the robbers. He helps the police chief put Frans into the police cruiser. The 911 operator is well aware of the Village employees' dedication to staying in character no matter what actual crime might be taking place.

The Robbers

Frans, Injured Man, Ohrlich, Domino, Walsky

Frans and his crew send up the bad guys in Die Hard. The injured man makes a few comments. There's a woman too, but she had no lines, so she's not pictured here. She's killed in the shootout near the end of the episode. Ohrlich monitors police activity around the Village. Later on he demands his cut of the loot, as he's suspicious about Frans taking off with the money and food once they get away. He gets his burger and makes sure all the ingredients are there. Later on, the cops kill him when they come in to catch the robbers. Frans goes back to Ohrlich's body to retrieve the burger and cash, and that's when he's apprehended. Domino is the one who brings in the Burger King meals for the other robbers after they barricade themselves in Pioneer Village. He dies in the shootout with the cops. Walsky encounters Cartman and Butters shortly after they sneak back into Pioneer Village. Butters uses Cartman to knock Walsky down, and Walsky shoots at them.


She comments on the special relationship Cartman and Butters seem to have when they buy tickets for Super Phun Thyme..

The China Probrem

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Rape

Indiana Jones, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas

Pack County DA, Deputy 1, Deputy 2, Imperial Stormtrooper

Cartman, haunted by the Opening Ceremonies of the Summer Olympics in China, dreams that the Chinses are going to invade the United States. Next day he tries to get the boys to take action against that, but Kyle just can't do it. Something is preventing him from debunking Cartman. That something is what he and his friends saw in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Indiana Jones getting raped by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. They run out of the theater practically out of their minds. After Stan talks to Jimmy at Stark's Pond, he wanders through town until the memory of the rape scene comes to him: Spielberg and Lucas are raping Jones is his own movie. When the memory leaves, Stan breaks down sobbing in the middle of the street. Later, the boys talk to the DA about bringing Spielberg and Lucas up on rape charges, but the DA says they don't have a case, then he chases them out of the office. As the boys go downstairs, the DA remembers the rape scene as taking place in a video arcade bar, on top of a pinball machine. The memory ends and the DA screams to the boys that he will help them. They approach Det. Yates about going after Spielberg and Lucas, but Yates says he didn't see the movie, and he doesn't think anyone else did either. He asks around and Mitch is moping by the window. He asks Mitch what he knows, and Mitch remembers: the rape scene took place in some foggy woods with Spielberg and Lucas dressed as hillbillies. The memory ends and Mitch is sobbing. Sheriff's deputies are sent to the mansion belonging to Spielberg and Lucas to arrest them. When there's no ansewr to the doorbell, Deputy 1 kicks the door in and the deputies roam the house until they end up in the library. Their jaws drop at what they see: Lucas raping a stormtrooper as Spielberg pulls up his pants. Deputy 2 simply exclaims "My God."

Dinner at P.F. Chang's

Chinese Family, Greeter, Waiter

Guest, Chinese Officer, SWAT Officer

Cartman and Butters dress as Chinese peasants to get any information they can about a possible Chinese invasion. They go to P.F. Chang's and find a Chinese family eating there. They talk to the family, but the father calls the greeter over and asks her to escort the peasants out, as the peasants are clearly not Chinese and won't leave the family alone. She's about to do that when Cartman decides to reveal his intent: he's leading the American Liberation Front and he's holding the restaurant hostage until he talks to the President. One of the guests decides to leave, thinking Cartman isn't serious, but Cartman has Butters shoot the guest. The guest's penis is shot and blood splatters all over his pants. The police arrive and Cartman goes outside to say that he's one of the good guys, but notices that one of them is Chinese. He runs back inside wondering how high the Chinese have infiltrated law inforcement. He has Butters go to a window and fires a warning shot, but the bullet strikes the Chinese officer in the penis. Later, Cartman is away from Butters talking to the President when another shot goes off. Cartman runs back to Butters to see what happened. A SWAT officer has his hands over his bleeding penis. Once the cops have the restaurant secure, everyone learns that Spielberg and Lucas have been arrested for the rape of Indiana Jones. A waiter joins the crowd in sobbing and expressing relief over the news.

Law Enforcement

Captain, Officer, Officer 1, Officers 2 and 3

The captain arrives with his officers to talk to Cartman, but when he realizes Cartman is just a kid, he has the officers move in, but the Chinese officer is shot and they fall back. The officer next to him at that time wonders why Cartman wants to talk to the President. Later on, an officer runs up to the captain and tells him Spielberg and Lucas have finally been arrested. They hug each other and cry. Officers 2 and 3 also hug each other and cry upon hearing the news. Everyone is glad the nightmare is over.

Breast Cancer Show Ever

Older Girl, Younger Girl

They were present at the fight between Cartman and Wendy. The older girl appears behind Cartman and Butters before school begins and is the first to see Wendy walking towards the school. The younger one tells Cartman to shut up and fight.


Michael Chertoff, Davis, Top Official, Senator 1, Senator 2

Michael Chertoff is head of Homeland Security, and he assigns himself the task of ridding the world of Peruvian pan flute bands. His right-hand man is Davis, whom he eliminates when he feels Davis knows too much. The top official can't figure out where Peruvian pan flute bands come from, and neither can the rest of Chertoff's subordinates. Senator 1 makes a play on words from "pan flute epidemic." - pan-demic. Senator 2 is wary about helping other countries when we can't contain our own pan flute epidemic.

Two men, A woman, Two Pan Flute Band Musicians

The boys, playing as the Llama brothers, are in South Park Mall playing pan flute versions of childhood songs. Two men approach and remark how cultural the sound it, then buy a CD and walk off. A woman walks by and remarks on how cultural the sound it. She too buys a CD and walks off. In the internment camp in Miami, a musician tries to sell a CD to the tower guard, and he's quickly killed off. Later, a group of musicians talk amongst themselves. One of them is at the chainlink fence warning about "la muerte peluda." The other musicians join him in saying they're all in the United States to be our protectors from it.

Thompson the Translator, Reporter Paul Harris

Thompson first appears when Chertoff talks to the pan flute bands in Miami - Chertoff first speaks, then Thompson repeats Chertoff's statements in Spanish. Later, a soldier asks him to interpret what some of the musicians are saying, which is: "they are here to protect us from the furry death." We later find that the furry death is an army of guinea pigs Chertoff will use to take over the world. Reporter Paul Harris is at South Park Mall, which was once closed but is now an open-air mall.

A Paratrooper, Three Soldiers, Guard in Watchtower

The paratrooper initiates the operation that takes the boys into custody along with other Peruvian pan flute members. The first soldier reports that the boys are another band to round up. The second one assists in clearing them out. The third moves the shoppers along and makes sure all pan flute CDs are collected and contained. The guard in the watchtower doesn't wanna buy a CD from the boys even though they were just trying to talk to him for a bit. When a musician does try to sell him a CD, he shoots the musician dead.

Pandemic 2 - The Startling

Cpt. Taylor, Cpt. Gabriel, Official 1 (right) and 2, Official 3

Captain Taylor communicates with Washington, only to hear that the city is under invasion from monster guinea pigs. Connor, the perosn at the other end of the line, is eaten. The captains and the boys then try to find some form of civilization, but they run into a giant lost world. The captains are attacked by man-eating plants and eaten. The three officials have joined the others from "Pandemic" in updating Chertoff on new reports of giant guinea pig attacks.

An Anchorman, Townsman, Husband, Soldier 4, Soldier 5

An anchorman announces the presence of guinea bees as Randy and his family run out of Best Buy. The townsman announces that bees are everywhere. The husband announces the presence of a guineasaurus rex. Soldier 4 gets emotional when Chertoff yells at people, and runs away crying. Soldier 5 is with the panicking South Park residents. His left upper arm is bleeding.

New Director, Top Official 2

A new Director of Homeland Security is appointed after Chertoff is carted off to the penitentiary. and his top official brings him bad news: Chertoff, in the form of a giant guinea pig in prison stripes, has broken out of the penitentiary and is rampaging through Washington, D.C..

About Last Night...

Barack Obama's Camp

Barack, Michelle, Grandma Obama

Three Revelers, Randy's Boss

Barack Obama leads the group below these summaries. He wins the Presidential race between himself and Obama and goes to check out the Oval Office immediately. He finds the secret tunnel leading from the Oval Office to the Smithsonian and blows a hole open underneath the Smithsonian. He climbs in to discover that things were different from what he knew before. Michelle arrives to disarm a replacement optical relay system that had replaced a laser system just three days before the heist. Grandma Obama calls in a bomb threat to begin the distraction. Obama walks out of the Oval Office with the Hope Diamond in his ass.
The first reveler says "Woohoo!" in time with "Celebration". The second one just stumbles off to one side, not believing Obama won. The third one just says "Yehheheah." Randy sees his boss and tells him off. He ignores the fact that his boss is wearing an Obama sweater and has told him that he also voted for Obama. Randy gives him the finger a few times and finally punches him in the face. The following morning, Stan tells his dad that his boss called to tell him he's fired. Randy sees this as an Obama promise broken.

John McCain's Camp

John McCain, Sarah Palin, Reporter

Seven supporters

McCain meets Obama in Obama's suite after Obama's win and they congratulate each other on a job well done. McCain provides a distraction while Obama orchestrates the theft of the Hope Diamond, then turns off the security system so Palin can steal the Hope Diamond and hand it to Obama before they all make their getaway. Sarah Palin turns out to be an international cat burglar who knows her way around security systems. She performs the actual theft, then gives the diamond to Obama. Earlier, the reporter asks her if she's heard from McCain at all. She says she hadn't, but her phone rings and it's him.
The McCain supporters now fear that the world will end now that Obama is in office. Supporter 1 pulls on Stan's cheeks when Steven refuses to help Stan and Kyle. Supporter 2 is shocked that Steven won't help them. Supporters 3 and 4 volunteer to take the boys' places when the boys say they don't wanna be in the bunker. Supporter 5 comments that not four hours have gone by since Obama's victory and the world is already coming to an end. The first female supporter asks who Steven is to turn all these other supporters away. The second one demands to go inside and Steven smacks her down.

Members of the Heist Team

Davis, Quincy, Neely

These three perform various tasks during the heist, including patching up the explosions Obama carried out at the Smithsonian.

The Secret Service - Chief and Two Agents

Two Guards, Hell's Pass Nurse

The security chief is puzzled and wary about Barack Obama visiting the White House so soon after his victory, but he allows Obama to look around the Oval Office a bit. He's proud to get $100 from Obama. Later on, he brings Michelle to him, and Obama pulls her into the Oval Office and thanks the chief. The first Secret Service agent alerts the security chief that Obama wants to see the Oval Office while the second one accompanies Obama to the Oval Office with a few other agents.
When the pile driver is turned on, the first guard asks what the sound is. The second one just says that it's construction work, and they both go back to their jobs. The nurse asks Stan and Kyle whom Ike voted for. Their answer would determine whether he goes to the partying patients or the suicidal ones. There are no doctors available - Dr. Wilson is partying with other Obama supporters out in the streets and the other doctor was found hanging from the ceiling by his tie in his office.

Elementary School Musical

Bridon Güermo and his parents

Bridon is a new third grader who suddenly appears every time a group of kids begins to sing. He's no threat to Stan, but he is popular with the girls. He's really good at singing and dancing, but it's not something he wants to do. When Stan tells him he should stop the song and dance, he agrees, and confesses that he really wants to play basketball. Stan tries to get him to join the basketball team, but Bridon's father finds him during recess and takes him away. Stan sighs. Later, the cast for the school musical is put up, and Wendy and Bridon have the lead roles. Wendy's looking forward to acting with him, but Stan is frustrated - his plan to separate Wendy from Bridon isn't working. When Bebe asks Bridon why he wasn't at music rehearsal, he tells her and the other girls that he joined the basketball team and that performing arts just wasn't him. Bebe asks him if the girls could watch him practice shooting baskets. He says "sure" and the girls follow him to the gym.
Bridon's father is an overbearing man whose punishments are slaps. His mother has learned to fear them, since he slaps everyone indiscriminately. Bridon has been trying to reason with him, but he wouldn't have any way but his. Bridon tries to run away, but his father blocks the door and threatens to slap him until there's handprints all over his body. Bridon punches him, then his mother punches him twice, and he runs off crying. Bridon's mom doesn't have much of a role except as her husband's slapping bag until she's had enough and follows her son's example. She cheers Bridon on during his first basketball game, but his father doesn't get iinvolved until he listens to the music being played and begins to dance with the rest of the crowd.

Scott Malkinson, CPS Agents, Mr. Garrett

Scott Malkinson is a new kid who might be a fourth grader. He has a lisp and diabetes, and Cartman makes fun of him every time he speaks. It's up to him to tell the boys that everyone is gone, so they could stop singing. The CPS agents stop by to talk to Bridon, having heard from "a concerned fourth grader" that his father was abusing him. Mr. Güermo interrupts this with a slap, and then starts slapping the female agent, and then his wife when she intervenes. He chases the agents out with more slaps, and they quickly drive away. Mr. Garrett is a victim of Mr. Güermo's slaps. He's the school coach. He has Bridon try out for basketball during recess and eventually gets him on the team.

The Ungroundable

The Vamps

Spiky Vamp, Midnight Vamp, Vampir, Sparkly Vamp, Bloodrayne, Cowlick Vamp

Shades Vamp, Little Vamp

A fifth grader named Mark Makowski starts a new club for vampire fans called the South Park Society of Vampires and calls himself Vampir. He goes about recruiting new vampire kids and holding court on the merry-go-round. Bloodrayne is something like his assistant, and the other four are just members. The sparkly vampire thinks she is like Twilight's Bella and has sparkles on her temples. The spiky vampire is really enthusiastic about being part of this club and is eager to please. The midnight vamp (so labeled for the color of his hair) wants to call himself Vladimir, but Mike says that's too close to Vampir. The vampire with the cowlick tells Butters he's not cool enough to hang out with the vampire kids.
The little vamp tells the vamp in shades that the area the Goths hand out in cool because it's dark and isolated. The vamp in shades considers it a great place for a Vampire meeting. Henrietta runs them off.

Soccer kids

Boy 2, Boy 1, Boy 3

The boys in the very back have no lines, so they're not included in this short summary. Boy 2 tells Boy 1 that the soccer ball is right by the vampire kids, and Boy 1 gets the ball. When he leaves, Goth 1 takes offense at being called a wampire kid, and Boy 1 just calls him Dracula and tells him to turn into a bat or something. When the Goth kids wear ordinary Gap clothes the soccer ball stops again in front of them. This time, Boy 3 tells Boy 1 that the ball is in by the Goth kids, but he describes each kid individually since they're wearing normal clothes.

Village Inn Waitress, Hot Topic Clerk

The waitress waits on the Goth kids, but is annoyed that all they do is drink coffee. She's further annoyed that there are more Goth kids there these days, but Goth 1 tries to tell her the new kids are vampire kids, not goth kids. She can't tell the difference, except that they're drinking orange juice instead of coffee. The clerk at Hot Topic asks what the Goth kids are doing when they torch the store, and Goth 1 advises him to get out of there. He finally does once the flames are everywhre.