South Park Guest
Biographies: Season 1

Cartman Gets An Anal Probe

Carl, the Aliens, and the Anal Probe

They abduct Cartman and send him back with an anal probe, then they abduct Ike. They also mutilate cows, but eventually decide that the cows are the most intelligent of earth's creatures. They can manipulate humans into odd displays of musical behavior. When the cows talk to the aliens, it is revealed that one of the aliens is Carl, and he was the one responsible for experimenting on the cows. They have been seen during a boxing match and while Mephesto reveals who Cartman's father is. The Anal Probe makes its presence known with bursts of fiery farts from Cartman's ass, then it shows its one-eyed self to Cartman and the others at the school kitchen. Kyle and Wendy tie Cartman to a tree so the probe can call home and bring the aliens back to drop off Ike. The probe comes out of Cartman's ass and becomes an 80-foot satellite dish, then sends the signal. In Stan's dream of Cartman's dream, the aliens ate some ice cream from the truck that came out of Cartman's ass.

News 8 TV reporter

This is the first reporter we see. He is a field reporter, and he reports on some strange formations in the fields around South Park. He wonders if these formations are made by aliens wanting to cmmunicate with us. A helicopter camera is focused on an eye, then pulls back to reveal a large human figure. It is Cartman, but he does not recognize himself. He thinks it is Tom Selleck.

Weight Gain 4000

Beefcake Actor

He is a young muscular man who makes commercials for Beefcake's Weight Gain 4000. It is supposed to help you get in shape fast, but that's if you're getting in shape in the first place. Cartman say it as a way to bulk up, but because he didn't exercise, he simply got very fat. He eneed up on TV after all, on "Geraldo." His commercials still run, as seen in "Experimentation," when Stan flips through the channels.

Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford, that advocate of chidren whose own busineeses once had child laborers in Third-World countries, comes to South Park to give an award to Eric Cartman for writing the best "Save Our Planet" paper, which turned out to be a copy of Thoreau's "Walden." When Mr. Garrison learns of this, he has flashbacks to his own time in third grade, when both he and Kathie Lee were participants in a national talent show. She beat him out with an extravagant display of performers backing her up during her song. Now, as she comes to present the award to Cartman, he plans to kill her.

Geraldo Rivera

The award presentation to Cartman was supposed to be televised nationwide, but the stage broke when Cartman stepped onto it, sending Kathie Lee flying onto her truck. When gunshots rang out, Kathie Lee's guards quickly took her away, and the TV crews had nothing to televise, so they left. Cartman, instead of getting on TV for his paper, got on TV for his excessive fat.

Volcano


Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the mountains, with Patrick Duffy

A large creatute somewhat like Bigfoot. Has Patrick Duffy for a leg and celery for a hand. In his spare time he likes to weave wicker baskets. Though his legend was a fearful one, he proves to be the one salvation for Jimbo and the boys when he makes a wicker basket out of a tree, places them in it, and lifts them acroos the trench to safety. In Stan's dream of Cartman's dream, Scuzzlebutt makes ice cream instead, and gives it to the kids.

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride


Sparky, Sylvester, Rex, and Fifi
Sparky's voice: George Clooney

Sparky is Stan's gay dog. Has a thing for pink collars. He ran away when he heard Stan wishing for a straight dog. Sylvester was the toughest dog on the mountain, he could not get away from Sparky and was absolutely unprepared for the advances of a gay dog. In "Ike's Wee Wee" he was killed when he took Kyle's version of Ike from his hands. He went out into the middle of the street, where no one would bother him as he tore away at the doll, but a truck with a sleepy driver slammed into him and blew up. He died in the explosion. Ike was later found in Nebraska. Rex is Clyde's dog who follows him all the time, but Sparky humped him, too. Fifi was bought so Sparky could develop an attraction for female dogs, but he sniffed her and took her pearl necklace instead.

Frank Hammond And Phil

These two announcers were present to cover the game between the South Park Cows and the Middle Park Cowboys. Frank (the balding one) had a way of saying things that got him in trouble. He was oblivious to his insensitivity, and Phil had to constantly remind him to watch what he was saying. Frank has also appeared in "Cow Days," and their Chinese counterparts are seen in "Conjoined Fetus Lady."

Big Gay Al

Owns "The Big Gay Animal Sanctuary." Helps gay animals find homes, and helps Stan understand why Sparky can't be straight. He has a wonderful techno-dance floor and a boat ride that covers homosexuality through the ages, culminating in an ideal world for gays. Later, he drops off all the gay pets he collected so the townsfolk can reclaim them, but no one sees him do this. Al appears next to the boys to say good-bye, then steps into his magic briefcase, presses a button,, floats up, shrinks, and disappears. He makes a spectacular return in South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut when he is called upon to host the USO show with Sheila Broflovski. He puts on a showstopper, "I'm Super", that includes rising pools, his menagerie of animals, and dancers galore! In "Cripple Fight" he returns as a boy scout leader who's stripped of his post because of his homosexuality - the adults are afraid he's a molester as well. This proves to be unfounded. Al tries to fight for his job back, but decides not to when he sees that it takes a court decision to reinstate him in Scouts.


Enrique the Mascot, and Richard Stamos

Jimbo and Ned had a bomb made so that it will explode on a high F. Carl, the town's explosives expert, designed the bomb that Jimbo and Ned placed on Enrique, the Middle Park mascot. He sat around with Jimbo and Ned trying to determine the right note to hit to set the bomb off. Jimbo and Ned went to Middle Park Elementary to put it on Enrique, who shook when he found out what the bomb was for. The Middle Park foorball team brought Enrique to the game, but failed to remove the bomb from his back. Richard Stamos was scheduled to sing "Loving You," so Jimbo was counting on him to hit the high F so the bomb would explode and obliterate Enrique, and forfeit the game. Richard could not hit the high F, so the game went on. The Cows beat the spread, and Richard tried once more to hit the high F. This time, he did, and Enrique blew up.

An Elephant Makes Love To a Pig

Fluffy and the Elephant

Fluffy is Cartman's pet pot-bellied pig that mated with the elephant to produce the pot-bellied elephant. The elephant is Kyle's pet elephant. Chef provided the mood that got these two disparate creatures to mate. The resulting offspring looks like Mr Garrison.

Big Mutant Stan

Big Stan was one of two experiments Terrence Mephesto worked on with Bill and Fosse. Once he was fully developed he broke out of his tank and went on to destroy South Park. He also wrecked Jesus' show and threw Officer Barbrady into Stark's Pond. Stan convinced him to come over and meet Shelley, but Shelley was unfazed. She knocked him out, and Mephesto came by to kill him.

Pig-elephant

Kyle orchestrated the mating of his pet elephant with Cartman's pot-bellied pig Fluffy, with some help from Chef. The goal was to have not elephant-sized pigs, but small pot-bellied elephants, with all the intelligence of an elephant and the low maintenance of a pig. The boys had to wait a day or two for the pig to give birth while their rivals set about cloning a whole human. Terrence and his crew abandoned that idea and instead created a 5-assed monkey. Stan and his crew waited to see what the pig will bear, and the result was a small pot-bellied elephant that looked like Mr. Garrison.

Death

Talk Show Host

When word got out that Stan was trying to kill his granpa, the story got on the air, and the boys were called into an interview on a talk show. The host on the show tried to find out why Stan and the others were trying to kill Granpa, and Stan tried to explain that they were watching Terrance and Phillip when he got the rope. The host cut him off when he mentioned Terrance and Phillip and accused their show of inspiring the boys' actions.


John Warzog, the brick wall, and Suzanne Sommers

Sheila Broflovski leads the adults of South Park to New York to protest in front of Cartoon Central's headquarters. Its president, John Warzog, comes out to tell them what the network thinks of the protest. Any questions? Talk to the brick wall! Before he goes back inside, he moons them, and Sheila responds by having the adults hurl themselves against the building. All the while, the adults have such a bad case of diarrhea that the president comes out again and tells them that the diarrhea, not the protest, caused the station to reconsider. He promised to put reruns of She's The Sheriff, starring Suzanne Sommers, instead of Terrance and Phillip on the schedule if only the protesters go home and take their diarrhea with them. The reruns turn out just as vulgar as Terrance and Phillip, so the adults go to New York once more.

Granpa's Granpa

All through the episode Stan's Granpa has been trying to get Stan to kill him, and each time, Stan balks. Granpa tries to justify the action by mentioning that he killed his own granpa when the old man requested it. Later, when Death kills Kenny, Granpa complains that Death was supposed to kill him instead. Death shows him his own granpa, who tells him that he was wrong about the assisted death, and he wanted Granpa not to put Stan in that position. He tells Granpa to wait and die of natural causes.

Death

Comes for someone after Grandpa wishes for his own death on his 102nd birthday. He chases the boys, but is distracted by Terrance and Phillip for a while. He reaches the boys, only to touch Kenny and take him away. He also appears in "City On The Edge Of Forever." In Stan's dream of Cartman's dream, Kenny flips Death over and stomps him to death. Then he finds an ice cream cone in Death's robes and eats it.

Pink Eye

Tina Yothers

She is the judge for the Halloween costumes the children wear to the gym. Despite the fact that nearly all the class comes dressed as Chewbacca, she chooses Wendy as the grand-prize winner. Kyle, who is dressed as the solar system, got mad at her for overlooking his costume.


The Trick-Or-Treated

When the boys go trick-or-treating they come across these people. Kenny has a treat for two of them. He bites the old lady, who runs into her house screaming for somebody to call 911. He then bites the fat man on the head and doesn't let go, and the man falls on his face and dies. Kenny continues eating, and the other boys walk away from him. When the three boys come to another house, the door opens to reveal three Klansmen whom Cartman confuses as ghosts. Only Cartman gets candy, and it's only one Tootie bar.

Puffy The Bear

Cartman came to school dressed as Adolf Hitler, and stayed dressed this way until lunch. Principal Victoria came into the cafeteria and saw him dressed this way, so she pulled him away and took him to her office to see an educational video, hosted by Puffy the bear. Cartman didn't want to see it at first, but he so liked this video that he wanted to see it again, totally ignoring the moral of the video. The principal instead took a white windbreaker and made a ghost costume for Cartman.

Reporter In A Bikini

This reporter was the field reporter who was in South Park to cover the Pink Eye epidemic. Why he was in a bikini in a cold town is not known. He described the symptoms of what he thought was Pink Eye, but which Chef, who was watching TV when the news came on, knew to be symptoms of the undead. The reporter is in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, reporting on the success of Terrance and Phillip in film and music.

Worcestershire Sauce

Marty loves Worcestershire sauce on his hot dogs. He got careless and left a bottle of it on the embalming machine. When it revved up, the sauce tipped over and poured into the machine, which sent it into Kenny. The sauce/embalming mixture turned Kenny into a zombie. Kyle found the hotline number on the bottle to call in case of emergency, and he got a Worcestershire sauce representative to help him determine the cause of the zombie epidemic and kill the original zombie.

The Mortician and the Clinic Doctor

Marty and the mortician work at the morgue preparing bodies for burial. When Kenny appears as a zombie he bites both of them and breaks out of the morgue. Marty and the mortician become zombies themselves and attack several people in town. The clinic doctor is a general physician who treats most hurts with topical cream, and these hurts come to include what he thinks is pink eye. Unfortunately, Chef comes in to tell him about the living dead and rips off

Damien

Satan and Damien

Damien is the Son of Satan, and he comes to call Jesus out. When he gets angry, the flames of hell appear in his eyes and he sets whatever he will on fire. He makes friends with Pip, and his evil is virtually eliminated by Mr. Mackey. He now appears in the back of the bus during the opening credits. Satan fights once again with Jesus for spiritual dominion, but opts for wealth instead of fame. He appeared with Barbra Streisand on a poster in her $4 million condo in the mountains, and has been paired with Saddam Hussein in Hell. In the movie, he becomes Saddam's bitch, and it is Kenny's mission to restore Satan to his former evil self. In the two-parter, "Do The Handicapped Go To Hell" and" Probably", Saddam gets a new boyfriend, Chris, whom he's happy with until Saddam reenters the picture. Chris and Saddam fight over Satan until Satan decides to get rid of Saddam for good - by sending him to Heaven.

The Groundskeeper

This is the only episode in which we see her. The kids are in the playground for recess and Cartman is announcing changes in the gifts his classmates should get him. At about this time she announces to all in the playground that there are five minutes left in recess.

Don King, Promoter

This is the one and only, Don King, boxing promoter extraordinair. He comes to represent Satan, and speaks for Satan when a reporter asks if Satan was involved in the Gulf War. He wanted the reporters to not ask questions about Satan not related to the fight and not speculate about what kind of fighters he has in his stable.


Michael Buffer and Mills Lane
Buffer's Catch Phrase: Lllet's get ready to rumbllle!!

Michael Buffer is the ring announcer for the fight between Jesus and Satan. He calls Jesus "Hay-zeus" and Satan "Beelzebub." He trills the 'r' in Christ. Mills Lane is as famous as Michael Buffer in the boxing world. He referees the match between Jesus and Satan, telling them not to use miracles to win the fight. When Jesus "knocks" Satan down, Mr. Lane counts him out and ends the match. Jesus rejoices.

Starvin Marvin

Mabin and the Ethiopians

Known to the boys as Starvin' Marvin, Mabin is an Ethiopian who was brought to the States instead of the Teiko watch the boys would get if they would send $5 a month to support him at home. The boys brought him to school as part of their Show and Tell report, but they were sent to the principal's office to clear things up. Mabin was allowed to take with him all the turkeys that were killed in the Braveheart battle scene between the people of South Park and the turkeys.
The Ethiopians are Mabin's people. Sally Struthers makes commercials asking people to donate some money to feed the Ethiopians, and donors will get a Teiko sportswatch. Little do the Ethiopians know that she keeps most of the money sent to them and indulges herself. Cartman spends some time among them, but can't communicate with them. When Mabin is returned, his kinsmen finally speak, and they sound just like he does.
Marvin returns when the Marklar visit Earth and are devoured by lions. Missionaries come to spread the Gospel in Marvin's town, but he's not swayed. After he finds the Marklars' ship he takes off to find a new place for his people to live in. The U.S. government goes into South Park to find Stan and the other boys, knowing they've met Marvin before. The boys direct the feds to Sally Struthers, who cuts a deal with them. Marvin crashes into Cartman's house and soon takes the boys flying... to a whole new area of space, via a wormhole. They reach the Marklar world and marvel at its beauty and peace, then return to Ethiopia to tell Marvin's people about it. Unfortunately the missionaries and the Feds are there to hear about it, and they give chase once the Ethiopians are in the ship and the ship takes off. Sally Struthers, working with the government, also gives chase. Cartman appeals to Sally's humanitarian efforts in the past to to allow him to do the same for the Ethiopians. She's persuaded and puts a tractor beam on the missionaries' ship. Marvin and his people go for the wormhole, but the other two ships follow them in. All three ships end up on Marklar, where Marvin's people are free to prosper.

A couple in love

This couple was among the first group of people attacked by the pissed-off Thanksgiving turkeys created by Dr. Mephesto. While she commented on the beauty of everything around them, he was sure to tell her none of it was as beautiful as she. She commented on how the foam on the turkeys' beaks reminded her of beautiful suds of beer, and he he complemented her, and… the turkeys attack.

FBI Agents and Red Cross Workers

Principal Victoria calls the Red Cross to report a mix-up concerning Mabin and the Teiko sportswatch the boys were supposed to have gotten. That night, the FBI agents show up at Cartman's house and ask the kid on the sofa to point to the kid they were to take back to Africa. Unfortunately, Mabin was the one on the sofa, and he pointed to Cartman's room. The agents took Cartman away in a bag. After some time in Ethiopia, Cartman runs into some Red Cross workers and tries to get back home with them, but they ran out of funds and can't take him back. Eventually, the FBI agents return to South Park with Mabin's picture, find him, and return him to Africa, and Cartman returns home.

Thanksgiving Turkeys

These are the turkeys Dr. Mephesto created to feed the poor. They got pissed off and escaped his ranch. They began attacking everyone they met, tore through Mr. Garrison's classroom and Chef's kitchen at school, and disrupted the Thanksgiving food grab. Chef organized the town to fight the turkeys, and the turkeys did the same against the town. Both Chef and the lead turkey were dressed like Braveheart leaders.

Sally Struthers

She is the spokeswoman for an organization feeding the needy in Ethiopia. The boys notice that she is big and fat, and so comment that she seems to have no trouble finding food. After Cartman, instead of Mabin, is accidentally sent to Ethiopia, he goes hungry and finds a storage shed filled with Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Boogie Bars, and Veal Roll-ups. Then he finds a TV on, and later finds Sally snacking on some cake. She begins to shovel it down when Cartman alerts the Ethiopians to her hoarding all the food. She appears again in "Mecha-Streisand" in a movie studio with Sidney Poitier making a film.
She returns to help the government pursue Marvin and the boys to Marklar, and as a reward she is given Kenny in carbonite. After Cartman plays to her humanitarian efforts, though, she lets the boys go and pursues the missionaries of the 600 Club. One can assume that she returned Kenny unharmed to the boys as a way to thank them for reminding her who she was.

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo

Philip Glass

He is the minimalist composer who was brought in to score the new nonoffensive, nondenominational Christmas play. He presents the kids moving around in leotards to a play that doesn't have any story. The parents of South Park were looking forward to a play without religious overtones, but didn't like the result.

Mental House Nurse

She greets the boys as they come to commit Kyle into the mental house. After some preliminary questions, she calls out the burly interns to tie Kyle up and place him in a padded room. There, he sings the dreidel song and his own song until Mr. Hankey shows up with the rest of the town to liberate him.

Tree-hugging Hippies

Cartman first mentioned their views when he and the other boys joined Jimbo and Ned on a camping trip. They make their appearance when various townsfolk complain about things appearing in the Christmas play that they feel shouldn't be there. The tree-huggers lobby for no more harvesting of Christmas trees. Later on, they saw the play and said that everyone ruined Christmas.



Kids in the Christmas Choir

These kids appear in the Christmas choir, but not in class.

Tom's Rhinoplasty

Ms. Ellen
Voice: Natasha Henstridge

She is the substitute who taught the class while Mr. Garrison went to get a nose job and recuperated from the surgery. Her beauty certainly had the boys excited, but it drew Wendy's jealousy and anger. The breaking point came when Stan won a dinner with her, and Wendy looked on from the outside. Wendy acted quickly to get rid of her.

Tom

He is South Park's rhinoplaster, or nose job specialost. He gave Mr. Garrison a nose so wonderful it made him look like David Hasselhoff, but the women got so worked up over it he decided to have the surgery reversed. Tom's Rhinoplasty was seen in Mecha Streisand, and Tom himself is rather handsome, like Pierce Brosnan.

Photo Dojo Photographer

He was first seen in "Damien," but he didn't have any lines then. After Mr. Garrison walks out of Tom's Rhinoplasty with David Hasselhoff's face, he goes to the Photo Dojo to have his picture taken. The photographer takes photos of Mr. Garrison and has him pose in all sorts of ways, and even offers some smack when Garrison requests it.

The Iraqi Soldiers

These soldiers came to take Ms. Ellen away, calling her Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh. There are led by Hakim Qorashqi, of the mighty nation of Iraq. They burst into the classroom as Ms. Ellen is preparing to take the kids through some handwriting exercises. The principal follows them in, demanding to know what's going on. When Ms. Ellen is apprehended, she takes a scimitar and warns everyone back. Unfortunately, the scimitar leaves her hand and kills Kenny.

Mrs. Campbell

Mrs. Campbell was the first to notice Mr. Garrison's new look. She liked it so much she suggested he call her (her number is in the phone book). She then told the rest of the women in South Park about the handsome Mr. Garrison, and they chased him when they saw him. Turns out Mrs. Campbell did this at Wendy's command, all a part of the plan to get Mr. Garrison back as a teacher.

Mecha-Streisand

Anthropologist

The anthropologist is working in site B. Mr. Garrison takes the class on a trip to a former Indian pueblo, now empty except for artifacts such as arrowheads. Kyle finds an arrowhead that glows and calls the anthropologist to see what kind of arrow it is. Cartman rips it away after the anthropologist inspects it.

Barbra Streisand/Mecha Streisand
Leonard Maltin/Ultura Marutin
Sidney Poitier/Megara Poatia
Robert Smith/Rabartu Smitu
Robert Smith's Voice: Robert Smith

Mecha Streisand came about because of the Diamond of Pantheos, of which the Triangle of Zinthar is a part. She was looking for the Triangle of Zinthar when she saw the report that Kyle had unknowingly found it. She tried to get it from him, but Cartman stole it. She later kidnapped the boys until Cartman could not take being stretched on the rack anymore. She took the triangle and joined it to another triangle to make the Diamond of Pantheos. With the diamond, she became Mecha Streisand. The rest seemed to have innate powers. Marutin, Poatia, and Smitu all had a part in defeating Sturaisanda, but it was Smitu who threw her out into space, where she exploded.

The Tiny Twin Japanese Princesses

They were Sidney Poitier's alert system. Traditionally, they are associated with Mothra, which here is Rabartu Smitu. Here, they are associated with Mega Poatia, Poitier's version of Gamera. They alert Sidney Poitier of Barbra Streisand's presence in South Park and of the creature she has become.

Milo and the Japanese Singer

Milo is the chief aide to Barbra Streisand. He retrieves the Triangle of Zinthar from Cartman's shoe after Cartman gives in to the rack. The singer sings Japanese verses for the various people who show up and tranform to Japanese-style monster out to get Mecha-Streisand. Chef gets sick of hearing him after a while.


News anchor Dave, Quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony, Reporter

Most episodes have a news report, and this one is no different. Dave anchors the news here and the quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony reports from Site B about Kyle's find. Another reporter reports on the amazing recovery South Park makes after every disaster, natural or man-made, that comes its way, only to see Mecha-Streisand stomp on the buildings behind him. South Park is being destroyed as he speaks.

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut

Chief Running Water

He was one of Cartman's possible fathers. Liane told Cartman that the Chief was the one she first danced with. She didn't remember much else about that night, but nine months later, Cartman was born. When Cartman visited the Chief at the Ute reservation, the Chief told him that he was not the father, and told him that Chef was the next person Liane was with.

Bob Saget

Bob Saget is the host of America's Stupidest Home Videos. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were going to send a video about Cartman playing with his dolls to Mr. Mackey so he could help Cartman out, but instead, the boys sent the tape into ASHV. It is beat out by Stan's Grandpa's video of Kenny being struck by a train.

The 12th Annual
Drunken Barn Dance

This is the dance during which Cartman was conceived. Liane Cartman takes a roll in the hay with Chief Running Water, Chef, Mr. Garrison, and the Denver Broncos. Jimbo and Ned are also present. Chef wonders why Liane is responding so vigorously even though he is doing nothing, then finds a hand reaching out of the hay. It turns out to be Garrison, and Chef leaves when Liane suggests they have a ménage à trois.